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mcreel
climber
Barcelona
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May 13, 2015 - 11:21pm PT
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Forget all this talk about pre-nups, when in doubt, run it out.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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May 14, 2015 - 05:14pm PT
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The key to your happiness to make sure that you always get her way.
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Dapper Dan
Trad climber
Menlo Park
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Topic Author's Reply - May 14, 2015 - 06:00pm PT
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I'm 34 and she's 32 ... we are both school teachers, at the same school in fact , no kidding . We both make literally the same annual salary . Call it naive, or even stupid , but we won't have a pre-nup, it never even crossed my mind to be honest :) I can't really explain why but I am certain we're gonna be partners for life ...
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Mei
Trad climber
Was one
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May 14, 2015 - 06:06pm PT
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Awww... Sounds so sweet. Now I'm curious. What kind of advice were you expecting to hear?
Teaching is a most respectable profession! Wish both of you the best!
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Dapper Dan
Trad climber
Menlo Park
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Topic Author's Reply - May 14, 2015 - 06:15pm PT
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I don't really know as far as the advice , maybe it just reaffirms some of the things I'm learning about being a good partner for somebody else....
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rbord
Boulder climber
atlanta
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May 14, 2015 - 06:18pm PT
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Sounds like you're off to a good start!
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MikeL
Social climber
Seattle, WA
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May 14, 2015 - 08:33pm PT
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It’s comforting having a partner on climbs, and in life. You have each other’s lives in your hands. Take it seriously.
In about 18-24 months, the power struggles tend to emerge. it’s called the Pygmalion Effect. As folks here have already said, each of you will try to change the other and vie for control. It’s normal. HOW you push through it will matter a great deal. Fight fair.
If you’ve had a great infatuation with each other, that spiritual power or chemistry between you two should be enough to surmount or get over the power struggles. Making-up is such sweet sorrow.
In the end, what she is, and will be, will be the mirror to yourself, and vice versa. When you get close enough to a person to really look into their eyes, what you see is a reflection of yourself. The problems that you think you have with another person you are intimate with are really the problems that you have with yourself. It’s karma: what you helped push around came back around.
In almost every great marriage I have seen, the man and woman changed roles and personalities to some extent (after at least 25 or more years). The men became softer and more yielding, and the women became tougher and a bit more demanding. Again, it looks like a form of karma to me; changes seem to balance out in the last analysis.
I’ve been married three times now, and I am now married to a woman who is 19 years younger than I am. At this point, I try to find my own flow and watch what’s happening with her. She’s a whirlwind of energy, and I tend to be calmer and more open.
A couple more things. One: cherish her. Women love that, and it costs you very little. It brings out the best in them. Second, it is the woman’s job to establish the level of spiritual grounding in a love relationship. She is the Minister of Love. If she neglects that role, then you will sooner or later fall apart. I don’t meant to be a chauvinist, but women know more about love than men do. If they disengage in the love (not necessarily sex) department, then the coupling will be lifeless.
The best of luck to you.
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apogee
climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
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May 14, 2015 - 09:01pm PT
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Well, from what I understand about pre-nups, as long as you are both in pretty similar financial states, and looking at the beginnings of building your financial futures together, going at it without a pre-nup is probably do-able (assuming the state where you are marrying has reasonable community property laws).
It's when there's a greater disparity...or you are both later in life...that a pre-nup might make more sense. Fat Dad can offer a far more qualified view of this than I can, though.
Sorry if all of this kind of talk is kinda deflating...I understand that feeling, completely. Looking forward and building together as loving partners is where you need to be. Congrats to you both.
Edit: That last paragraph in MikeL's post above is pretty damn good.
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limpingcrab
Trad climber
the middle of CA
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May 14, 2015 - 10:00pm PT
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The best advice I ever got was that marriage is not 50-50, it's 100-0.
Give everything and expect nothing in return. It's ridiculously against human nature but when this is the fall back it is amazing. It's not easy but when I follow this rule the only thing we ever argue about is who "gets" to take out the trash or who "gets" to watch the kids while the other hangs out with friends. It doesn't matter who's right or wrong. Or, at least, it doesn't matter as much as your relationship.
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couchmaster
climber
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May 15, 2015 - 06:15am PT
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Reading Off Whites link, good stuff. There is a whole host of things that accompany good relationships. However, those are only part of the equation. The meat of the nut is this: All couples argue. The ones that stay together longterm find a way to resolve their arguments to their mutual satisfaction.
I'm convinced that is the key to long term relationship success. The ones that stay together longterm find a way to resolve their arguments to their mutual satisfaction, bamm, end of story.
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Charlie D.
Trad climber
Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra
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May 15, 2015 - 06:34am PT
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Always remember that love is a verb and not a thing. Year's ago on ST I remember Jan writing something about, "you marry the person that you fall in love with and then you learn to love the person you marry." Those are wise words, enjoy your lives together and congratulations.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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May 15, 2015 - 10:11am PT
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I’ve been married three times now,
This is a guy to take advice from.
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