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Dapper Dan
Trad climber
Menlo Park
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Topic Author's Original Post - May 12, 2015 - 12:04pm PT
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Hey ST , any pearls of wisdom for a guy about to get hitched ?
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WallMan
Trad climber
Denver, CO
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May 12, 2015 - 12:05pm PT
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PreNup!
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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May 12, 2015 - 12:08pm PT
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Wait until she's 18.
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Dapper Dan
Trad climber
Menlo Park
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Topic Author's Reply - May 12, 2015 - 12:10pm PT
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lol !
Too late , we already spent too much on the wedding to turn back now ...
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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May 12, 2015 - 12:14pm PT
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Put her first.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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May 12, 2015 - 12:16pm PT
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Don't do it without a pre-nup.
Either that or just sign your check book and savings account over to her. For the rest of your life!
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dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
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May 12, 2015 - 12:18pm PT
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Congratulations to you and your lady, you look like a great pair. About to get hitched myself this Saturday so I have no advise yet like the married folks here. I have learned that I should marry someone I feel very in love with and also comfortable being able to work out problems with since it is not all a big honeymoon.
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Dapper Dan
Trad climber
Menlo Park
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Topic Author's Reply - May 12, 2015 - 12:19pm PT
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Congrats to you Dirt Claud ... hope your big day goes smoothly :)
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couchmaster
climber
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May 12, 2015 - 12:21pm PT
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37 days, all I have to say to you is enjoy the ride.
My advice isn't to you, you waited too long to be able to act on my advice. You're on the ride and can't get off now. It is for those who are thinking of committing. Choose carefully. And get a prenup. Marriage is a legal contract. Do you know all of the terms and conditions you are getting when you say "I do"? Most of us do not. But it is extensive and there is no exit once you agree to those unspoken (and usually unknown by men) laws. Women tend to be savvier than men on this. So with that, the 3 most important pieces of advice I have are:
1) get a Pre-nuptual agreement/contract
2) get a Pre-nuptual contract
3) get a Pre-nuptual contract
If you cannot sit down in advance and have the discussion when you both are thinking so highly of each other and are all loveydovey and happy, what do you think that discussion will be when/if you split up? Unless you are 100% sure, move on. Trust your gut. And get a prenup. If she says "Oh, but I won't do that, marriage should be about "love". Then she's playing you, let her know that you don't need to get married since you have love. Just live together. Don't believe that because you do not have anything now, you can avoid the issues. 50 percent of married couples divorce, many with horrifying vitriol, anger and hate. It is safe to say that those people in that situation did not believe they would be in that position. My question to buddies on that divorce rant (ie, dude yelling THAT F&@KING B**@xTCH CU&T!!!! I HATE THAT F&@KING CU&T!!) on and on, I ask, "why did you marry her?" Oh, they say, she wasn't like that then.
Uhhh, OK.
Settle it now: prenup. It should at least detail how you will split up should that terrible affliction unavoidably hit you. (hint, mandatory binding arbitration, not divorce court) Most people think nothing of taking out their anger on their former spouse by spending $80,000-$100,000 on a divorce attorney manipulating their emotions. Said attorney laughs all the way to the bank, gets their client not an extra nickle, but causes you amazing pain as you have to spend to counter this bullshit with your own attorney. The prnup can just say: "whats mine is hers, and when we split up she can rape me with a Louisville Slugger, beat me on the head with it and leave with everything I own". In addition, chose your mate carefully. Very very carefully. She won't always look like that, and many women will not always want to have relations with you. If you are unlucky, at somepoint you may all but have fluid blockage because you promised to forsake all others FOREVER without getting a corresponding promise back that you will always be getting some. It's hard to sit down with a bunch of your bitter middle aged divorced buddies and hear their many complaints and realize that you have signed up for all of those horrible possibilities they have experienced and you have no way out if your wife chooses to shift the gears in her head. I was lucky, but it's really "till death do you part". Choose carefully. And get a prenup.
Side note: happily together for 35 years here. No prenup. I got lucky. I've heard some others story's that have make my boys shrink right up into my throat.
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Fat Dad
Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
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May 12, 2015 - 12:22pm PT
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Well, I'm very sorry to hear that. If you can squeak in one last dude's trip to the mountains, crags, etc., go for it. If not, well, expect to wait a while, especiallly if kids are imminent.
For the wedding, spend more on a good photographer and less on flowers, which you won't even notice. And don't invite all your college friends, since most of them you will never talk to again anyways. Also, if you can afford it, milk as much time as you can for a cool honeymoon. I don't mean the bullshit week in Hawaii thing. Go someplace cool like Thailand or Argentina or Italy. It may be the last time your employer will cut you enough slack to take a good, solid vacation.
Are you psyched yet?
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dirt claud
Social climber
san diego,ca
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May 12, 2015 - 12:26pm PT
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Thanks man, you as well. Just one thing, on the last few days some sh#t may start to may hit the fan, for example, suites not on time, missing stuff, last minute venue changes (we just had our rehearsal dinner moved last minute), etc.. Just don't trip if she is freaking out over last minute changes, etc... I was just getting frazzled cause my girl is getting stressed out and I had to remember to keep it together for her and play nice. I don't know about your end, but my wife to be spent a lot of time and effort on this so gotta make sure I keep my cool and look at the big picture. And what Edward said, make her always #1. She will also make you #1 if you treat her this way.
Edit: good stuff Fat Dad. Invite people you really want to be there, make it a gathering of good and close friends and family, not just a big shindig. At our wedding we got lucky and have a flower hook up, but if we did not I agree it is more important to get a good photographer/video person. Make sure the memories are saved right.
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tolman_paul
Trad climber
Anchorage, AK
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May 12, 2015 - 12:42pm PT
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As a buddy told me, remember the 50/50 rule. 50% of the time she is right, 50% of the time you are wrong.
On the prenup, if you need one, you shouldn't be getting married.
Based on 21 years I'd say either the two of you make it work, or you don't. Like a good fire, you gotta keep it stoked. Expect the greatest joys of your life and the greatest challenges. It's all good so long as the two of you grow together.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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May 12, 2015 - 12:45pm PT
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YER GONNA
have a swell marriage!
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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May 12, 2015 - 12:49pm PT
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Tolman pretty much nailed it. Just make sure she is the best friend you ever had, able to share anything and everything. If not, then you have even tougher challenges when working out a bad situation (sh#t happens, so be prepared to make scarifices so you stay together and make memories!).
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looks easy from here
climber
Ben Lomond, CA
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May 12, 2015 - 12:56pm PT
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On the prenup, if you need one, you shouldn't be getting married.
+1
Biggest thing I can say is marriage isn't a contest. Any time you (or her!) think you "win" a fight you both lose. You're a team, you gotta play like one.
Edit: And congrats!
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Fat Dad
Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
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May 12, 2015 - 01:00pm PT
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Dapper,
I hope you saw the jest in my post, at least about the marriage part. The main thing is to make sure that you've chosen well, and you'll know that better than anyone. Marriage is often hard work to make it work, but if it wasn't a good thing, everyone wouldn't do it, including those folks whose marriages went sideways and are now bitter about it.
We married Catholic (because of me really) and were required to go on a retreat, etc., and I was amazed by how many couples never discussed, let along agreed on really big things like whether they wanted kids, whether they were going to pool their earnings, etc. It's the biggest decision you'll ever make in your life. How could you not discuss this stuff? Still, many don't and then wonder how things went so poorly.
I'm sure my wife would agree that there are rough patches, but that it's worth the effort. Kind of like climbing; you get out of it what you put into it. While I often rue the missed climbing opportunities because of marriage and kids, I've noticed that I'm now starting to rue more missed opportunities to do more with my family. Life--marriage, raising kids, dealing with aging parents--not climbing, is the real extreme sport.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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May 12, 2015 - 01:02pm PT
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Bigamy is having one too many wives.
Marriage is the same.
 Oscar Wilde
But don't believe it. Just make this promise to yourself, "I will get married only once." Be sure that your spouse if the right one for you, and you'll thrive.
How can you tell? Do you have any secrets you keep from her, and if so, why? Have you discussed finances (split checkbooks or combined)? These are things that can cause wedges, so I'm told.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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May 12, 2015 - 01:03pm PT
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Based on 21 years I'd say either the two of you make it work, or you don't.
And if it doesn't work sign your life savings over.
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apogee
climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
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May 12, 2015 - 01:11pm PT
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"Biggest thing I can say is marriage isn't a contest. Any time you (or her!) think you "win" a fight you both lose. You're a team, you gotta play like one."
That's pretty damn good advice.
Just watched 'Princess Bride' last night...Westley's repeated line to Buttercup:
'As you wish'...which translates into 'I love you'.
Say this to each other regularly.
Edit:
"Just make this promise to yourself, "I will get married only once." "
And hope to hell she's saying the same thing to herself.
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phylp
Trad climber
Upland, CA
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May 12, 2015 - 01:24pm PT
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What a beautiful couple. Congratulations!
The number 1 thing couples argue about is money. If you both have good jobs, the best thing you can do is have a pool of money that you contribute to equally, and use this for all the joint expenses - everything you do together.
Agree early about shared savings goals and make sure you contribute equally to your joint future.
Then, ideally, you will each have some of your "own" money left over. This should be stuff you each use to do WHATEVER you want without the other person having to approve, or to debate, or to criticise. My husband bought his toys: stereo system, racing bike, etc. I used mine for climbing trips and cash gifts to family.
It gets more complicated when one person is a primary wage earner and the other person takes on other, non-recompensed responsibilities. Even more important then to NOT ARGUE about money. You have to remember that you are a team.
Good luck
Phyl
(35 years together)
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