Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
|
|
|
May 23, 2011 - 10:59am PT
|
The history of marriage...jokes.
“Getting married for sex is like buying a 747 for the free peanuts”
-Jeff Foxworthy
"I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury."
-Groucho Marx
“The best way to remember your wife's birthday is to forget it once.” -H.V. Prochnow
“I have learned that only two things are necessary to keep one's wife happy. First, let her think she's having her own way. And second, let her have it.” -Lyndon B. Johnson
“My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God, and I didn't.” -Unknown
“My wife and I were happy for twenty years. Then we met.”
-Rodney Dangerfield
“Getting married is a lot like getting into a tub of hot water. After you get used to it, it ain't so hot.” -Minnie Pearl
"Behind every great man there is a surprised woman."
-Maryon Pearson
“They say love is blind...and marriage is an institution. Well, I'm not ready for an institution for the blind just yet.” -Mae West
“Bachelors know more about women than married men; if they didn't they'd be married too.” -H.L. Mencken
"A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished."
-Zsa Zsa Gabor
“If nature had arranged that husbands and wives should have children alternatively, there would never be more than three in a family.”
-Lawrence Housman
"Can you imagine a world without men? No crime and lots of happy, fat women." -Marion Smith
“My mother once told me that if a married couple puts a penny in a pot for every time they make love in the first year, and takes a penny out every time after that, they'll never get all the pennies out of the pot.” -Armistead Maupin
"Marriage has no guarantees. If that's what you're looking for, go live with a car battery." -Erma Bombeck
“I came from a big family. As a matter of fact, I never got to sleep alone until I was married.” -Lewis Grizzard
“All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” -Raymond Hull
"A husband is what is left of the lover after the nerve is extracted"
-Helen Rowland
"Marriage is a matter of give and take, but so far I haven't been able to find anybody who'll take what I have to give." -Cass Daley
“Marriage: A legal or religious ceremony by which two persons of the opposite sex solemnly agree to harass and spy on each other for ninety-nine years, or until death do them join.” -Elbert Hubbard
“Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.”
-Henny Youngman
“When a man opens the car door for his wife, it's either a new car or a new wife.” -Prince Philip
"I require only three things of a man. He must be handsome, ruthless and stupid." -Dorothy Parker
“When a girl marries she exchanges the attentions of many men for the inattention of one.” -Helen Rowland
“Alimony - The ransom that the happy pay to the devil.”
-H.L. Mencken
“I love being married. It's so great to find that one special person you want to annoy for the rest of your life.” -Rita Rudner
"After marriage, husband and wife become two sides of a coin; they just can't face each other, but still they stay together."
-Hemant Joshi
"An archaeologist is the best husband a woman can have. The older she gets, the more interested he is in her." -Agatha Christie
“My mother said it was simple to keep a man, you must be a maid in the living room, a cook in the kitchen and a whore in the bedroom. I said I'd hire the other two and take care of the bedroom bit.”
-Jerry Hall
"I never married because I have three pets at home that answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog that growls every morning, a parrot that swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night." -Marie Corelli
“Marriage is a wonderful invention: then again, so is a bicycle repair kit.” -Billy Connolly
“Why does a woman work ten years to change a man's habits and then complain that he's not the man she married?” -Barbra Streisand
“I think men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage. They've experienced pain and bought jewelry.” - Rita Rudner
“Car Manufacturer's formula for a successful marriage : Stick to one model!” - Unknown
“Three rings of marriage are the engagement ring, the wedding ring, and the suffering.” -Unknown
“Before marriage, a man declares that he would lay down his life to serve you; after marriage, he won't even lay down his newspaper to talk to you.” -Helen Rowland
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” -Henny Youngman
“If you want to sacrifice the admiration of many men for the criticism of one, go ahead, get married.” -Katharine Hepburn
“It's a funny thing that when a man hasn't anything on earth to worry about, he goes off and gets married.” -Robert Frost
"The man who says his wife can't take a joke, forgets that she took him." -Oscar Wilde
"I never knew what real happiness was until I got married. And by then it was too late." -Max Kauffmann
"Some people ask the secret of our long marriage. We take time to go to a restaurant two times a week. A little candlelight, dinner, soft music and dancing. She goes Tuesdays, I go Fridays."
-Henry Youngman
|
|
Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
|
|
|
May 23, 2011 - 11:05am PT
|
From a previous thread about long-term marriages.
I think there is more commone ground across the ages in opinions about marriage than any other subject. The jokes above are only about 100 years old; there are similiar ones written 2700 years ago.
I have a couple of observations about marriage:
I am always a little surprised at the number of beautiful women who are divorced, whether they are movie stars or working at Starbucks. Obviously men who fall for great looks don't get marriage.
The people I know who have long and stable marriages seem to think of it as an institution that needs to be constantly nurtured. This quote from Judith Viorst seems to sum it up pretty well: “One advantage of marriage is that, when you fall out of love with him or he falls out of love with you, it keeps you together until you fall in again." I know that in the 35 years M and I have been together, we have both changed several times, sometimes in sync and sometimes leading or lagging. Marriage has kept us together. She is still the most interesting and beautiful woman I have ever met. I have always had to make room for the men who trip over themselves (and sometimes me!!) to get close to her.
I have no way to judge how someone will decide to nurture and maintain a marriage. I have a friend who has been married over 20 years. Twice. He is on his third.
My best joke, when I can pull it off with a new audience: "Deep down, we are all married to the same woman." Even the women laugh; their husbands are afraid to laugh too hard. I have tried it out in every country I have visited just to see if it is universal. So far it is. My wife will just counter with a comment that obviously all women share the gift of goodness and light, but she doesn't quite believe that all men are as lazy and loutish as me--manly, so to speak--delivered with a dazzling smile.
I feel pretty lucky.
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!