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cms
climber
toyota, tacoma
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Topic Author's Original Post - May 22, 2011 - 06:17am PT
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In nearly one month almost to the day, I will be newly married to the most perfect woman. She's beautiful, smart, fun, down with climbing(were going to Squamish for a two week honeymoon) and every other quality the perfect woman seems to have.
We want to have the same last name because we want to be one unit, working together. She's not down with hyphenating both our given last names, and I've considered taking her last name because I don't think every tradition has to be followed. However after talking with my parents they would carry some long term resentment if I did "throw away" my family name. So if the hyphen doesn't work(because of her) and me taking her name doesn't work (because of my parents),WTF?
I'm now stressed, depressed and can't get any sleep even though I drank more than my fair share of wine. I feel like any decision made will be either a comprimise (which she is not really ok with because its the name we have to go by for the rest of our lives) or it will piss someone off.
Advice/other options needed please....
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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May 22, 2011 - 09:37am PT
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Both keep your own last names. It doesn't diminish a bit from the union or marriage. It is no big deal.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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May 22, 2011 - 09:45am PT
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My view is that everyone should keep the name they were born with. The reality is that you live on a continent with with a 52% divorce rate and participate in a sport with many fatalities.The chances of a woman keeping the same spouse and the same name a whole lifetime are slim. In the meantime, the changing of names complicates identity paperwork, insurance policies, pensions etc.
If you want to be romantic, do it with something other than a name. The Chinese keep their birth names their whole life and nobody can accuse them of having unstable marriages or families.
I say this as someone who has gone by four different last names and has constant problems because of it - my maiden name, my deceased husband's name, my divorced husband's name and currently a hyphenated name of both husbands which seems to solve most problems though I am married to neither of them. I have two names on my post office box and medical records etc., publish under the second name and am known by the easiest to pronounce third last name by people where I was married the second time. It's a mess.
As for children,go with something simple. Your parents probably will prefer your last name for at least one grandson. At the rate people divorce and remarry however, it's likely they will spend time in a family where the children have different last names than one or both parents. That's the real world society that we live in.
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survival
Big Wall climber
A Token of My Extreme
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May 22, 2011 - 10:12am PT
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Make up a cool NEW last name that you both change to.
Or tell yer folks to get over it.....HA!
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Spider Savage
Mountain climber
SoCal
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May 22, 2011 - 10:17am PT
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I felt the same way. I understand the stress but you're making too big a deal.
If she has a cool last name like "Savage" and you have a less dignified one like "Putz" then that would really increase the stress.
In the long run it's best to go with tradition and she should just take your family last name. You feel weird about it now but in a year or so it will be fine.
My wife has been a Savage for 28 years now. My daughter hated to give up the name when she got married to a guy with a way less cool last name. But in the end it's no big deal.
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phylp
Trad climber
Millbrae, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 11:08am PT
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Why don't you each keep your own last names and make a new, combined first name, like Brangelina? She'll be Brangelina Smith and you'll be Brangelina Jones!
Seriously, being true partners and soulmates has nothing to do with your names. If you really want to express that, just make sure to do 1/2 the chores.
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Chinchen
climber
Way out there....
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May 22, 2011 - 11:18am PT
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Quit being a S.N.A.G. and tell her to be a good woman and take your last name..... ;)
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Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
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May 22, 2011 - 11:39am PT
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A long time ago, sometime before 1693, in Essex County Virginia, someone made up the name Breedlove; his first name was Charles, hers was Kindness. I grew up on the Navaho Indian reservation in the 50s and in the SF Bay Area during the 60s, so many people have assumed Breedlove to be an Indian name or a hippy name. (Karl has tried to convince ST Campers that it is a porn name, but it turns out that only 'Roger' has those historical roots.)
When M and I decided to get married, we considered hyphenating our names--Breedlove-Dobrzynski or Dobrzynski-Breedlove--but at the time, there was a limit on the number of characters that computer input cards would hold and both names together were too long. We also considered combining our names with Breedski and Dobylove being two obvious although flawed alternatives. Her history, education, and life was based on her family name, so she kept her Polish last name, with its royal connections and maximized consonance usage, and I kept my complete-sentence-made-up name. Our two daughters have my last name and M's family name as a middle name.
Occasionally, someone with a sexist bent will mess up and call M Mrs. Breedlove. If given a chance I will remind the offender that while M's family name is Polish, her mother is half Sicilian. I earned a long time ago that I was likely to survive if I managed to piss off only the Polish side, but was probably toast if I incurred the wrath of the other half: there are stories.
After 35 years together, with two very successful kids, this seemed to work okay.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 01:04pm PT
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Did I miss something? She doesn't want to assume your last name? Why not?
This shouldn't be a stresser.
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Srbphoto
climber
Kennewick wa
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May 22, 2011 - 01:08pm PT
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Oh Jan, you crazy romantic :)
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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May 22, 2011 - 01:11pm PT
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maybe a troll..
Bluey, i never took Timid's last name...
I'm me...wanted to keep my latin last name, plus, i hardly ever follow the norm...
edit: TopRope's an Italian name. ?.........(-;
second edit:...LOL, i meant the name- TopRope ..
ps...Yep, he's Swiss Italian..Both parents were born in Switzerland..
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 01:12pm PT
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Nita, his name woulda sounded awesome with your name. Maybe I'm partial because I'm Italian...
EDIT: Tomaselli sounds Italian.
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Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 01:15pm PT
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with a level of abstraction, a name is really a label, so you can do anything you want... future family historians can track down the name changes, you don't have to be held to some arbitrary cultural conventions, and you can have fun getting intoxicated and working out different schemes for building your new family name!
Take Roger's conundrum, for instance... had he been more imaginative, rather than just resigned, he could have done something like this:
the two names to be "merged:" Breedlove Dobrzynski
lead to the "letter stock:" bbddeeeiklnoorrsvyz
pick 2 letter words
be, by, no, so, en, el, id, in, is, ed, or, on, ey, oy, oz,
etc...
pick remaining 3 letter words
be: bddeeiklnoorrsvyz
bey, bee, bin, dee, dei, den, din, ein, eek, eel, eon, ezy, elk, elb, ere, els, ilk, ins, ide, ids, kid, key, led, lee, lie, lei, lid, leo, ley, lye, nee, ned, nel, neo, nor, ney, noz, odd, ode, rod, red, rei, rye, rey, rib, rob, rok, ron, roy, sed, soy, sez, yen, yor, zee, zen,
etc...
pick remaining 4 letter words:
be, odd: beeiklnorrsyvz
beek, been, beer, bein, beir, bike, bine, birk, boil, bois, boke, bork, bose, bosy, bree, bone, bore, boys, bore, bryn,
etc...
pick remaining 5 letter words:
be, odd, beer: iklnorsyvz
silky, sinky, snozy, lions, links, loins, lyons,
etc...
remaining...
be, odd, beer, silky: norvz
pick "no"
then make a name...
silkybeerbeoddno
there you have it... make up your own rules...
Roger and Marsha Silkybeerbeoddno
has a sort of ring to it... what climber wouldn't want to have a name that is a question about beer?!
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drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
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May 22, 2011 - 01:23pm PT
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Chinchen- S.N.A.G
Hahahaha!
Not sure if I'm the only one who gets it.
Keep your name!
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Daphne
Trad climber
Mill Valley, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 01:24pm PT
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How exactly would your parents' long term resentment express itself? I am sure they will find in the future if they haven't observed this already that you are going to differ from them in some ways. Keeping peace with your parents at the expense of your marriage could end up being a stressor in your marriage. Always pick your marriage and your spouse (their side), always.
Also, alcohol is never a good remedy for a good nights sleep. It actually impairs deep restful sleep.
(I am a marriage and family therapist, btw.)
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Karen
Trad climber
So Cal urban sprawl Hell
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May 22, 2011 - 01:34pm PT
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Ed, you must be great playing Scrabble!
I wish I'd kept my maiden name-ah hindsight. Do like the idea of hyphenting both of your names, but if she prefers keeping her own, do it.
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Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 01:59pm PT
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I guess I should come clean, our union is: Hartouni and Petersen we both kept our names... daughter has my family name... not sure how that worked out but at the time (the late 70's) we were still not a very whimsical culture vis-a-vis naming...
though if I restored my full father's name: Hartounian (which he changed) then the "ian" and the "sen" suffix are essentially the same meaning... that reduces to Hartoun and Peter... and perhaps we could respell from the Armenian, Artoun and Peter... then work from there... (I'll spare you... Scrabble in my family has become nearly a blood sport... fortunately practiced only around the winter solstice and Thanksgiving, I'm often third out of three, being the numerate member of the family there is much gnashing of teeth if I win, which I have rarely done).
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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May 22, 2011 - 02:02pm PT
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Yer a weirdo, Ed. That's why I love ya.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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May 22, 2011 - 02:10pm PT
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Given Ed's post about creating new names, he could probably decipher the edoC elbiB. That is, if there was anything to decipher.
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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May 22, 2011 - 02:14pm PT
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Not really sure when it became a custom of the woman to change her last name. It wasn't common to do so in Germany until sometime in the past ~150 years.
What really matters, I guess, is children. Marriage really is an economic relationship, and has also been the instrument of Western society for *legitimizing* children.
If she doesn't want your last name...so what? What to give the children as their last name does matter for purposes of inheritance, if nothing else.
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