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tolman_paul
Trad climber
Anchorage, AK
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May 12, 2015 - 04:06pm PT
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"NEVER go to bed mad!"
A fine ideal, but pretty hard to actually achieve.
Easy, no, possible, yes. First couple years of marriage I took some long late night walks so I could be calm enough to talk through whatever issue was at hand.
However late you have to stay up, come to an understanding before hitting the sack.
Having a spouse that can't hide their feelings in the long term is a blessing.
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Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
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May 12, 2015 - 04:16pm PT
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GET A DOG, or two,
share the ups and downs of parenting, with him or her or them first, learn how each other treats the dogs.
This will give you both insight into each others style of parenting before you have children.
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Roughster
Sport climber
Vacaville, CA
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May 12, 2015 - 04:21pm PT
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- Immediately post to Facebook Happy Anniversary Babe! You then know you can always go there to find it :) Trust me, 20 years down the road you will thank me :)
 Have sex often, even when your mad at each other. It is scientifically proven to bring people closer together even if they are mad. Even if you or her are not in the mood, go for a quick lazy orgasm for both of you, this generally turns into the exact opposite.
Plan at least one vacation a year for you and your spouse, especially after you have kids. Nothing better for the marriage and gives you something to hold on to when things are stressful. Start small (B&B Weekends) then as you get older / wealthier, expand the trips to more exotic and expense places. Not to say don't bring your kids ever as well on some, but I target one family and one for us at least each year.
Encourage her to find a hobby that is something you don't do. Not to say that you shouldn't ever do it with her, but let it be "her thing".
Find a hobby you both like that gets you and her together outside. If she doesn't "love" climbing, then climbing isn't it. Try kayaking, SUP'ing, running, hiking, birding, yoga, WHATEVER, but find it and do it together.
Start wine tasting together. I don't care if you don't like wine. You will eventually and it will be another thing you can do together and have fun (assuming you both drink).
Don't be afraid to spend time apart. Nothing excessive, but everyone needs their space. 38 Special had it right, "Hold on loosely, but don't let her go..."
Stay in shape as best as you can. Looking good for your spouse is always appreciated.
Always buy a card for Vday, Bday, Anniversary, Mothers Day, Xmas. Even if she says don't, do it!
Don't send flowers to say your sorry, send them to say your happy aka when you're not in trouble.
Learn to keep a list of things she wants you to do around the house. Doesn't mean you have to constantly be working on it, but it gives you something to spend nervous energy on when the timing is right.
Saying "You look nice" or randomly "I love you", and meaning it, is free and probably one of the best ways to keep her happy.
Learn to like her family, even if you don't yet. Face it, you're stuck with them. Make the best of it!
Also agree with much written above, especially the "Don't go to bed mad" or talk it out aspect. My wife and I fight, we both are hot headed, but we always reconcile ASAP.
Those are the things that immediately jumped to mind. Married 22 years and counting!
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Wade Icey
Trad climber
www.alohashirtrescue.com
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May 12, 2015 - 08:51pm PT
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too late for advice. best to you.
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Dapper Dan
Trad climber
Menlo Park
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Topic Author's Reply - May 12, 2015 - 09:24pm PT
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Thank you all for the nice words ! The little lady and I have enjoyed it :)
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WallMan
Trad climber
Denver, CO
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May 13, 2015 - 02:14pm PT
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Pre-Nup!
Strongly disagree with the statements that if you need a pre-nup, you should not be getting married. Or "We have been happily married for 37 years".
A pre-nup is like life insurance. You hope you never need it. But if the sht hits the fan, if things go sour, if one of you are financially responsible and the other is not, if you do not have a pre-nup you (the financially responsible one) can be royally fuked.
I got out of a bad marriage a few years ago. She was a financial train wreck - very different than when we got married. Nobody saw the financial train wreck part of her personality. I insisted on a pre-nup, and very fortunately it saved me maybe 10 or more years of corporate america. As in - I may be able to retire maybe age 55 / 57 ish in part thanks to my pre-nup. Without the pre-nup, I likely would have been working until age 65 or longer.
Get the dam pre nup. Part of due diligence. Then file it and certainly keep electronic versions of it protected in email and somewhere safe. Just like life insurance. Hopefully you never need it, you can live happily ever after, and you can follow a lot of the great advice given above.
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Sierra Ledge Rat
Mountain climber
Old and Broken Down in Appalachia
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May 13, 2015 - 02:19pm PT
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Wait until you're at least 50
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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May 13, 2015 - 02:25pm PT
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Never ever call her "the wife." Sooner or later you'll slip up and say it in front of her. You might be on thin ice using "the little lady," but that's not the third rail.
I do call my wife "The Barbara" from time to time, but she likes that sort of thing.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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May 13, 2015 - 02:37pm PT
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she earns 100% of our household income and I'm Mr. Mom.
Well, that explains why it looks easy from there.
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Fat Dad
Trad climber
Los Angeles, CA
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May 13, 2015 - 02:37pm PT
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Sorry, but I totally disagree with WallMan. I'm glad he had one that saved his bacon but, as a lawyer, even the family law attorneys/judges I know are of the opinion that if you plan to make it work then prenups are inconsistent with that goal.
I can see if you're older, have substantial assets of your own, have kids from a prior marriage and are marrying a much younger, hotter spouse, then a prenup is insurance that he or she just isn't looking for a golden parachute. But if you're both young, "in love" and looking to spend your lives together, why bother? Most likely neither of you will have much to begin with, so it would really only apply to assets acquired during marriage. Gifts, bequests and devises are separate property, even if received during marriage. Don't commingle and you're fine there. So that leaves only income. Plus, a lot of these prospective financial issues are really things you need to discuss BEFORE you get hitched. If you view marriage as a shared enterprise, how is an agreement that says we keep everything separate going to further your future together? It might with some couples, but that's not what I or my spouse signed up for.
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couchmaster
climber
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May 13, 2015 - 02:57pm PT
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Fat Dad, a prenup may be as little as agreeing to split up via binding arbitration rather than the much more common massive, angry, hateful, expensive, protracted bare knuckle assreaming fight in a court of law that ends with 2 people wishing they could figure out a way to kill the other and not go to jail for life and hating the other person beyond reason until death.
"If you view marriage as a shared enterprise, how is an agreement that says we keep everything separate going to further your future together? It might with some couples, but that's not what I or my spouse signed up for. "
You do know that getting marriage is a legal contract? That IS exactly what you signed up for when you say "I do". There is a whole litany of legal things those 2 words creates. If you cannot firm up a peaceful separation in advance, in case the worst occurs, why would you expect to be able to do so if and when the split occurs?
Meh, maybe you'll get lucky. I did. I suspect that as you grow older, and see lots of out of control raging bitches trying to all but kill their total as#@&%e husbands (as in, otherwise good and decent folks till they started to split up) you may reflect differently.
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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May 13, 2015 - 04:19pm PT
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1) Congratulations!
2) Happy wife, happy life.
3) The minute the long-term issues (and every marriage has one or more) reveal themselves, get yourselves into couples therapy. Working on clearing out the grains of sand before they completely wear the gears down will ensure the longevity of your relationship. Working on these issues, with help if they aren't responding to your own efforts, will vastly reduce the need for a pre-nup.
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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May 13, 2015 - 04:29pm PT
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Wish I had the Bryant Gumbel glif asking "Why".
At the very least get the pre nup.
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dindolino32
climber
san francisco
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May 13, 2015 - 06:17pm PT
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What a group here! God I'm glad I've been happily married for 10 years since I was 23 and am more in love every day. First off, being married will be no different from now. It's still work, you HAVE to try. It doesn't just keep on working by itself. Make an oath to not lie, call names when fighting, and not jump to conclusions. If you can do those 3 things, you are on your way to a happy marriage. As for prenups, we were in 100% before we were married, but we were also young and didn't have money. The prenup in my opinion is already putting doubt in your relationship, therefore you should postpone the wedding. Anyway, congrats!
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Moof
Big Wall climber
Orygun
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May 13, 2015 - 09:08pm PT
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Figure out money. Plan for the times when one or both of you will be out of work or stay at home with young ones. My wife and I talked it out before marriage and have never had a fight over money, while many friends have major issues over money.
Figure out how to have a disagreement without having to fight.
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Lorenzo
Trad climber
Portland Oregon
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May 13, 2015 - 10:24pm PT
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Three phrases you must learn to ensure marital bliss-
1) You were right.
2) I was wrong.
3) I was just being an as#@&%e.
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apogee
climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
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May 13, 2015 - 10:30pm PT
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Fat Dad's advice is worth strongly considering.
BTW...how old are both of you, roughly? Is there a large disparity in assets? (You don't have to specify whose...)
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MisterE
Gym climber
Being In Sierra Happy Of Place
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May 13, 2015 - 10:53pm PT
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The best advice I can give is
(1)to follow your heart.
That is not a popular arena here, so I would mostly avoid even asking the question on a public forum unless you are unsure...which is a bad place to be 30 days before one commits.
(2) If you are using marriage as a troll for entertainment, it's a foregone conclusion: pre-nup.
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Flip Flop
climber
Earth Planet, Universe
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May 13, 2015 - 10:54pm PT
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Get back to us at 17 days.
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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May 13, 2015 - 11:13pm PT
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Negative.
every day
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