Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 02:28pm PT
|
of course... my daughter was "illegitimate" as Debbie and I were not married when she was born...
so I guess she wasn't inline for any royal lineage that may have been in my family.... still not sure how that works out... when we married in 1986 it was about an economic/legal issue of buying a house and entering into a formal contract, I guess this "legitimized" my daughter... do you have to do anything else?
marriage laws are certainly bizarre... here from the Wikipedia page:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Legitimacy_(law);
In the United States, in the early 1970s, a series of Supreme Court decisions abolished most, if not all, of the common-law disabilities of bastardy, as being violations of the Equal Protection Clause of the Fourteenth Amendment to the United States Constitution.
by 2009 40% of the babies born in the US did so "out of wedlock"
|
|
Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 02:35pm PT
|
oh, MH... you have completely missed the obvious point...
Edoc el-Bib was an arab jew (thus the spelling change of the first name from Enoch) from the rather advanced ancient placename, Bib... thought to be a rather odd chap, he anticipated the modern idea of virtual documents in a series of writings of which only fragments appeared in print. It is presumed that the bulk of his work was stored in his putative virtual document space..
but we honor Edoc el-Bib today by remembering his 5000 year anticipation of our current, paper-less culture through the term: eDoc, erroneously attributed as an acronym for electronic document.
|
|
Ken M
Mountain climber
Los Angeles, Ca
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 03:01pm PT
|
Alright, I've got a unique solution: Change your MIDDLE names. You can take each others, or add the additional middle name (I know people with two), or create a new, unique middle name that you both adopt.
no pissed off parents, no difficult spellings, no problem with divorce (just drop it).
|
|
Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 03:05pm PT
|
You can call an apple so many things but it's still a dang apple.
Name changing is symbolic, not essential for the marriage. Don't make it a big deal.
I changed mine because, well... I'm a traditionalist and I happen to like having a more American name. People do judge in a more negative manner when your name sounds very foreign. Luckily "Sherman" is a very normal sounding, easily spelled name.
All I can say is keep it simple and... Really follks, you can make a final decision later. You don't have to make the big decision right this second. You can change it after the wedding when one idea sticks. If you guys are about "forever," you have plenty of time.
Congratulations and many blessings upon your union!
Anastasia
|
|
go-B
climber
Sozo
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 04:03pm PT
|
Maybe you should wear her dress to the wedding!
OK how about, Mr. & Mrs. Smith!
|
|
hossjulia
Social climber
Eastside (of the Tetons)
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 04:56pm PT
|
My 2 pennies; I wish like hell that Ida kept my maiden name, which is rather unique. Never even thought it a possibility at the first marriage, and out of the question with the 2nd. Now it's hyphenated between 2 married names and don't mean sheet.
Bogue? or Springer-White? One of these days, probably soon, I gotta go to court and get it changed back.
(hated the Bogart references in HS)
|
|
Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:00pm PT
|
springer-white sounds like a paint color sold in Connecticut suburban paint stores...
Bogue, you can do a lot to that one!
|
|
couchmaster
climber
pdx
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:01pm PT
|
Going for the quote and the win for posterity! You are letting this stress you out and depress you? You won't be married to the "ideal" woman for long is my first thought, but I was wrong once and may be here as well. Unless you can turn around that mindset you have that allows little things to cause this kind of angst, you'd be better off with Lockers blow up doll I'd suspect. Good luck!
cms saidIn nearly one month almost to the day, I will be newly married to the most perfect woman. She's beautiful, smart, fun, down with climbing(were going to Squamish for a two week honeymoon) and every other quality the perfect woman seems to have.
We want to have the same last name because we want to be one unit, working together. She's not down with hyphenating both our given last names, and I've considered taking her last name because I don't think every tradition has to be followed. However after talking with my parents they would carry some long term resentment if I did "throw away" my family name. So if the hyphen doesn't work(because of her) and me taking her name doesn't work (because of my parents),WTF?
I'm now stressed, depressed and can't get any sleep even though I drank more than my fair share of wine. I feel like any decision made will be either a comprimise (which she is not really ok with because its the name we have to go by for the rest of our lives) or it will piss someone off.
Advice/other options needed please....
|
|
Gene
climber
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:04pm PT
|
It’s easy if you marry someone from a culture that puts the family name first. Just add your family name at the end.
Lin – my wife’s family name
Jing – her given name
Malone – my family name
Lin Jing Malone. Works for us.
|
|
aliebling
climber
San Francisco, CA
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:20pm PT
|
My wife and I picked a new completely unrelated name to make our own. Worked out beautifully.
|
|
Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:28pm PT
|
Who are you marrying? This woman? Or your parents?
Do what you and she believe to be right and you'll be happier in the long term.
|
|
R.B.
Trad climber
Land of the Lahar
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:29pm PT
|
-or-
You can do what my ex-wife did: She resented not only my last name, but her middle and first names too. So she went to court (way after the divorce) and gave herself a completely new, fabricated identity.
It was very difficult for our daughter to call her mom by that new name. My ex's parents are offended. I could care less because I know she is nuts anyway.
Do what you want, don't worry too much about it. It really only matters most when you have kids involved.
|
|
Tyler Durden
Trad climber
Yosemite Sam, CA
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:35pm PT
|
3 options, 2 of which will cause stress and resentment?
1) Take her last name - parents will hate you - (OUT)
2) Hyphenate your last names - wife will hate you - (OUT)
3) She takes your last name - Everyone's happy.
No brainer?
This is such a great thread.
|
|
Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 05:52pm PT
|
I will not piss off the parents. They can make your marriage uncomfortable and that is not a good start. In fact that's a good way to set things up for failure. Both parents... Hers and yours know what buttons to push in their children to create massive havoc. It's best to have their support, their approval, etc. Those same buttons can be pushed to help you two along.
It's why you must always be nice to "the parents," even if you don't agree with them, like them, etc. They are the foundations of your family and... You need to keep those foundations strong, so your own house won't fall. Funny how those relationships have such strong domino effects.
|
|
Daphne
Trad climber
Mill Valley, CA
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 07:14pm PT
|
When a guy mentions that you may be pussywhipped just take a moment to assess how happy he is in his marriage and the skills he has or doesn't have for marital happiness.
|
|
Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 07:46pm PT
|
For some, there are professional considerations. This was my case. So, the family and friends call me by his last name and things it's my legal last name. Works perfectly for me.
Professionally, my name is the same old legal name which matters in that realm.
I intended to legally change to his last name and just let the professional world think my name was the same old name - but that is not easy any longer. Why? Because *rules* state that the university must deal with me by my legal name - that is, the name on my social security card.
|
|
cms
climber
toyota, tacoma
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - May 22, 2011 - 08:04pm PT
|
we want the same last name.
we dont want the "-" in a last name.
she doesnt think we should, by tradition, take my last name (which I completly agree with).
I know I shouldnt be stressed about this. I feel like i should be able to take whatever name i want, but there are others feelings involved which complicates everything. Should my parents be able to respect this possibility? Should my fiance budge on her feelings because of my parents feelings?
I know im an emotional person, and I admit my first post may have been too emotional. This seems like one of those things that is a big deal now and ten years from now wont matter. So why stress or be angry?
Should i be concerned with my parents feelings? Should their feelings wheigh enough to sway my/our decision?
my vote: first my middle-my last her last
Not a troll.
|
|
Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 08:06pm PT
|
Seriously... and I mean this as nicely as I can...if you are worried about what your parents think, you are too young to be married. Do what is good for your marriage period.
|
|
Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 08:08pm PT
|
Well, based on Ed’s posts, M and I have decided to change our names. We are working through Ed's algorithm, looking for two first names--one strong yet very feminine (and very forgiving) the other grand, studly, wise, youthful, and truthful (and evocative of brown hair and a trim waist)--and a common last name using the inventory of aaabbddeeeeghiklmmnnnnoooorrrrrrrssvyyz. Should be done by the end of the day. Of course, this inventory might be heard in a grade school in which a nervous kid stuttered through the abc’s. Hey, if my forefathers could just make up a stupid name that has lasted for 400+ years, we can too.
More seriously, I think people should keep their own names when they marry. But for many, it is a deeply held personal choice. In any case, I think the man should support his fiancé's choice in the matter and sell it to all other family members.
DMT, the short answer to your question, am I related to Craig Breedlove, the land speed record holder?, is 'no;' the slightly longer answer is 'yes.'
Since Breedlove is a made up American name, we are all almost certainly related, but the Craig Breedlove family is very distant to mine, at least back to the early 1800s. Many Breedloves (Breedloves I have met who are not close relatives) have heard a family story that five Breedlove brothers came from England, settled in Virginia, farmed the land, progated and moved south and west. Some stories have it that the name is based on a middle English name that means wolf hunter (breed=bridle and Love=loup=wolf)--why someone in the middle ages would name themselves wolfhunter, especially using the French word for wolf, is beyond me. Some have it that a lone Breedlove came to America to escape the wrath of a landlord on whose property he was hunting. However, since the only Breedloves in the UK are immigrants from American, I think all these family stories are bunk. No one knows where the original family came from, they just changed their name to Breedlove. There are also many African American families named Breedlove. This is probably the result of black slaves taking as a family name the names of the Georgian plantation owners during the emancipation. My kids really struggled with the knowledge that their forefathers owned slaves. It’s an American story.
|
|
Roger Breedlove
climber
Cleveland Heights, Ohio
|
|
|
May 22, 2011 - 08:11pm PT
|
Hey Crimps, are you missing a comma or are you just being statistically correct?
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!