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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jan 11, 2005 - 09:59am PT
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MEN, BURT BRONSON HERE. I HAVE RETURNED FROM ANOTHER EPIC, YET SUCCESSFUL STAY IN BAFFIN. OUR TEAM (CONSISTING OF ONLY ME) COMPLETED 17 NEW ROUTES. THE HARDEST, "WHY WOMEN SHOULD STAY AT HOME", WAS COMPLETED OVER 84 DAYS. THIS IS, SO FAR, THE BOLDEST ROUTE YET DONE ON THE ISLAND. AT 5.14C, A5++, PDH, WI 13, M14+, GRADE IX, V14, B3, SIT START, THIS ROUTE WAS DONE GROUND UP WITH NO HOLES DRILLED ON THE ASCENT. THE ROUTE WAS ESTABLISHED IN PURE ALPINE STYLE WITH ME STAYING ON THE WALL FOR THE ENTIRE 84 DAYS. I LOST 77 POUNDS ON THE WALL. THE LINE CONSISTS OF 114 PITCHES AND GOES UP A NEWLY DISCOVERED WALL THAT ONLY I HAVE SEEN. ACCORDING TO MY MEASUREMENTS, THE WALL IS THE TALLEST AND MOST OVERHANGING WALL IN THE WORLD. AT 17,000 SHEER VERTICAL FEET AND OVERHANGING 9,000 FEET, IT IS SURE TO NEVER HAVE A REPEAT - ESPECIALLY BY A WOMAN. THIS ROUTE EPITOMIZES THE HARD MAN CLIMBING EXPERIENCE.
PLEASE, GET ME CAUGHT UP ON THE LASTEST GOINGS ON HERE IN THE STATES AND IN THE VALLEY PROPER. WORD HAS IT THAT NOT MUCH HAS HAPPENED, WHICH IS SAD, IN THE TIME I HAVE BEEN GONE. A SOMEWHAT NOTABLE ASCENT BY THE GERMAN BROTHERS WAS DONE ON THE ZODIAC (WHATEVER), I HEARD SOME GIRL CLIMBED EL CAP FREE (SURE SHE DID....), DEAN POTTER ROYALLY F'ED UP AND LOST BOTH HANDS (STICK TO THE SLACK LINE, SLACKER), ANOTHER CHICK CLIMBED 5.14D (SURE SHE DID......) AND CHRIS SHARMA WAS BUSTED FOR WEED (NICE). SOUNDS LIKE I DIDN'T MISS MUCH.
AS MANY OF YOU KNOW, I AM THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN. MY GOAL IS TWO FOLD - TO CONTINUE IN THE TRADITION OF THE MANY HARD MEN WHO LAID THE FOUNDATION FOR CLIMBING AND TO ENSURE THAT THESE TRADTIONS ARE NOT OVER RUN BY THE GIRLY MEN AND WOMEN WHO ARE TRYING HARD TO DEGRADE OUR SPORT WITH THE USE OF BOLTS, 70 METER ROPES, GRIGRIS, RUBBER SOLED SHOES, CHALK, AND QUICKS-DRAWS. IT IS ALSO EXTREMELY IMPORTANT TO ENSURE THAT THE MAN SPORT OF CLIMBING STAYS JUST THAT - A MAN SPORT - AND THAT WOMEN STAY AT HOME, IN THE SERVICE OF THE MAN.
SINCERELY,
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN.
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:06am PT
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SCHMUTZ, BURT BRONSON HERE. YOU OBVIOUSLY DON'T KNOW MY HISTORY. YOU OBVIOUSLY CLIP BOLTS. YOU OBVIOUSLY ARE THE PROBLEM WITH CLIMBING TODAY. I HAVE MUCH TO CONTRIBUTE. I HAVE DONE MORE THAN EVERYONE HERE COMBINED.
JUST ASK WERNER, LARGO, RUSS, AND THE OTHERS. I AM THE REAL DEAL HOLLYFIELD. I AM BURT. I AM BRONSON. I AM CLIMBER.
BECAUSE YOU LIKE TO WEAR GIRLY UNDERPANTS IS NOT MY PROBLEM. REMOVE YOUR THONG. GRAB SOME NUTS, AND GO CLIMB.
AS THEY SAY:
I AM THE BOSS, APPLESAUCE
UNDERSTAND, RUBBERBAND
DON'T GET WISE, BUBBLE EYES
I'LL KNOCK YOU DOWN TO PEANUT SIZE
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:10am PT
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SCHMUTZ, BURT BRONSON HERE.
I TAKE IT BACK TOO. YOU DON'T REALLY WEAR GIRLY PANTS - BUT SOMETIMES I DO.... SHHHHHHHHHHH.... THAT'S ON THE DOWN LOW.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:23am PT
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NAMBLA, BURT BRONSON HERE.
I WILL NEVER BE BEAT AT MY OWN GAME. WHY? BECAUSE. YES,THERE HAVE BEEN A FEW TO TRY TO MIMIC ME. THIS ONE ROCKSTAR ON THE OLD SITE. AND THIS KATE. THEY ARE PRETTY GOOD, BUT ROCKSTAR IS TOO CONCERNED WITH CO-EDS AND KATE IS A GIRL. ADDITIONALLY, THEY CLIPS THE BOLT WHILE I DRINK THE COLT. I CAN NOT BE DEBUNKED. I AM THE ORIGINAL. I AM BURT. I AM BRONSON. WAIT AND SEE. I HAVE AN ARTICLE COMING OUT IN ALPINE. YOU WILL ALL BOW SOON BECAUSE OF MY EXPLOITS.
THIS PERVERT MAN, PTPP, KNOWS OF ME. I HAVE HAD TO RESCUE HIM FROM EL CAP MANY TIMES AND HE STEALS MY SYSTEMS AND CLAIMS THEM AS HIS. THIS IS SAD - AS ARE YOU.
NOW GO TO WORK WHILE I TAKE A REST DAY BEFORE MY 64TH ASCENT OF SEA OF DREAMS.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Jan 11, 2005 - 11:28am PT
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Wait just a minute, don't you realize that the way to make time with the hot climbng chicks is to bash BURT a little? He makes it easy for the rest of us to seem in touch with our sensitive sides hahaha.
I love BURT. Not in a gay touchy-feely way, but in a manly-palsy walsy sort of way, in a way.
In the past BURT seemed to know just how much BURT the world could handle at one time. That made him kind of special.
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:34am PT
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ALL, BURT BRONSON HERE.
I KNOW THE DOCTOR. RICHARD AND I ARE BUDDIES, HE JUST DOESN'T KNOW WE KNOW EACH OTHER. I KNOW OF HIS HAND, HIS HOPES OF OWNING A GYM, AND OF HIS STINT IN THE COURTS AS A LAWYER. I KNOW OF HIS RECENT TRANSPLANT TO THE DIRTY SOUTH AND THAT HIS JETTA WAS A POS. KODOS AND I ARE TIGHT. HE HAS ACCOMPANIED ME ON SOME OF MY EXPLOITS. HE HAS SEEN THE LEGEND WITH HIS OWN EYES AND HAS MARVELED AT MY BEAUTY AND BEEN AMAZED AT MY STRENGTH AND ABILITIES.
HOWEVER - KODOS LIVES IN A FANTISY LAND. HE GOES BY THIS FAUX NAME. HE FEELS THE NEED TO COVER HIS GROIN FROM THE WORLD. I, BURT BRONSON, DO NOT. YOU MAY FEAST YOUR EYES ON MY SACK WHENEVER YOU WANT (GO TO WWW.BURTBRONSONSBALLSACKWEBCAM.COM) I AM ME AND HE IS I AND WE ARE ALL TOGETHER.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN
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Korps
Social climber
Inebriation
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Jan 11, 2005 - 11:39am PT
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burt soon you will be mine
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 11:48am PT
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ALL, BURT BRONSON HERE.
IT'S GREAT TO BE WANTED.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE HARD MAN
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up2top
Big Wall climber
Phoenix, AZ
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Jan 11, 2005 - 12:14pm PT
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Sadly, this BURT is an imposter. Will the real BURT BRONSON please stand up?
Ed
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 11, 2005 - 02:15pm PT
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KODOS, BURT BRONSON HERE.
ARE YOU SURE I AM WHO YOU THINK I AM THAT I AM FOR YOU ARE RICHARD AND I AM ME BUT YOU THINK I AM NOT WHAT I AM. FOLLOW ME - NO - NOT TO TENNESSEE BUT TO VEGAS AND THE GUNKS AND TO BAFFIN AND TO THE PIZZA DECK.
LOVE,
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN
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JuanDeFuca
Big Wall climber
Chatsworth
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Jan 11, 2005 - 03:24pm PT
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BRONSTON- ROCKSTAR HERE
WHILE YOU BE IN BAFFIN, I COMPLETED WHAT I LIKE TO CALL THE GRAND TOUR OF EL CAP. WITH A TEAM OF SIX COEDS - AGES 17-22 - LINKED EVERY SINGLE EL CAP ROUTE. BEGAN WITH THE DEATH GULLY FAR TO THE LEFT AND ENDED WITH EAST LEDGES RAP ROUTE. HAVE NAMED THE ROUTE - IRAQ IS ONLY THE !@#$%^& START, GET OVER IT! 5.17C, A7, GRADE XXXVI.
CLIMB TOOK OVER TWO YEARS WITH FIRST CHILDERN EVER BORN ON EL CAP. I FORGET THEIR NAMES.
I FREE CLIMBED ALL AID PITCHS ON SHIELD, SON OF HEART, AND MESCALITO, ZODIAC.
TOOK ONLY 3 FALLS.
JUAN
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coldclimb
climber
Wasilla, Alaska
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Jan 12, 2005 - 05:49am PT
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Actually, this is the best thread I've read in a couple of days. :D
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yes
Trad climber
the inside
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Jan 12, 2005 - 01:22pm PT
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is everbody here a teenager or what?
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2005 - 03:43pm PT
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SKETCH BALL, BURT BRONSON HERE.
ME AND PENNINGTON ARE RELATED - THOUGH SOMEWHAT DISTANTLY. CROTCH AND I ARE MORE CLOSELY RELATED THAN PENNINGTON.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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Jan 12, 2005 - 03:56pm PT
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BURT, WALLY JOHNSTON HERE.
REMEMBER ME FROM THE PAKISTAN EPIC? YOU REMEMBER, THE TWO WOMEN THAT WOULDN'T GIVE UP THAT... ERR... UM. WELL, YOU KNOW. I STILL DON'T KNOW HOW YOU SURVIVED THAT STONING.
ANYWAY. GOOD TO HEAR OF YOUR RETURN. I'M HOPING YOU NEED A BELAY SLAVE. LET ME KNOW. WANT TO HEAR THE FULL SPRAYDOWN IN FIRST PERSON.
HAVE A GREAT DAY.
CHEERS,
"THE WALL"
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2005 - 04:10pm PT
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WALLY JOHNSTON, YOUR OLD BUDDY BURT BRONSON HERE.
I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU TO NEVER TALK TO ME AGAIN AFTER YOU BAILED ON THAT A0 LEAD IN PAKISTAN. THAT WAS SERIOUSLY A NON-SERIOUS LEAD THAT YOU POOSED OUT ON. I WAS VERY DISAPPOINTED THAT YOU WOULDN'T RUN THAT PITCH OUT ON THOSE 00 HEADS. YOU WANTED SO BAD FOR ME TO PLACE A DOWEL AT THAT BELAY WHEN I HAD THAT BOMBER 1 RP IN.
I'LL TAKE YOU UP SOMETHING ELSE, BUT YOU MUST PROMISE ME YOU WON'T PULL THAT GIRLY CRAP ON ME AGAIN. IT WOULD MAKE THINGS EASIER TO CHOP THE LAST PITCH OF MESCALITO WITH A PARTNER, SO IF YOU ARE UP FOR IT, LET'S GET IT ON. YOU CAN PROVE YOUR WORTH ON THE SEA GULL PITCH. YES, I'LL TAKE THE 3 SWEET PITCHES UP THE CENTER ON THE DOWELS BECAUSE I KNOW YOU'LL BE ALL PUCKERED UP.
ANYWAY, REGARDING THE PAKISTANI GIRLS, THEY EVENTUALLY SAW THINGS MY WAY AND I HAD MY WAY. JUST LIKE A MAN SHOULD.
I'LL MEET YOU AT DEGNAN AT 7:00 PM.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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Jan 12, 2005 - 04:19pm PT
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BURT, BIG-WALL(Y) JOHNSTON HERE,
I COULD TELL YOU WERE NOT SERIOUS ABOUT NEVER TALKING TO YOU AGAIN. THOUGH AT FIRST I THOUGHT YOU WERE I REALIZED ANYTHING CAN HAPPEN. I'VE BEEN TRAINING HARD TO BE WORTHY OF YOUR COMPANY. MY LATEST PROJECT - AN A7 PITCH ON CRAPPY SANDSTONE - IS JUST THE BEGINNING OF MY NEW METAL.
I'M ALREADY AT DEGNAN'S. I CAN SIT HERE FOR SIX MORE HOURS BUT 14 STRAIGHT HOURS OF DRINKING WILL BE LIKE RELIVING THE OLD DAYS. 'MEMBER THAT TIME I BELAYED ON YOU PITCH 7 OF THE NEW ROUTE ON TRANGO? [GRANTED I BELAYED THE ENTIRE ROUTE] THE ROUTE WOULD NEVER HAVE GONE WITHOUT THOSE FOUR BOTTLES OF WHISKEY. AND STOP TELLING THAT LIE ABOUT ME DRINKING MOST OF IT.
OH, AND GOOD TO HEAR YOU MADE UP WITH THOSE CHIX (AND THE ONES MOM?).
I'LL SEE YOU AT THE DELI AND JUST TO SHOW YOU MY GOOD nature I'LL BYE THE FIRST DOZEN ROUNDS. WE'LL MAKE PLANS FOR MESCALITO TOO. I LOVE CHOPPING. CAN WE JUMP ON LIA AFTER?
OH AND I ALREADY TOLD YOU I POOSED OUT BECAUSE I HAD NOT BEEN DUMPED RECENTLY. ALL GOOD THINGS COME TO AN END. I'VE BEEN ON THE CHIX ROLLER-COASTER RIDE FROM HELL. I'M READY TO FOLLOW.
CHEERS,
"THE WALLSTER"
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Burt Bronson
climber
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 12, 2005 - 04:34pm PT
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WALLY JOHNSTON, BURT BRONSON HERE.
I WAS SERIOUS ABOUT NOT TALKING TO YOU AGAIN, BUT AM FEELING A LITTLE COMPASION RIGHT NOW. MY TIME SPENT IN BAFFIN ALLOWED ME TO CONTEMPLATE THE FINER THINGS IN LIFE, SEX, CLIMBING PARTNERS, AND BOOZE. WE DID HAVE SOME GOOD TIMES. GOOD NEWS ON YOUR CRAPPY SANDSTONE ROUTE. A7, HUH? NICE. I WONDER WHAT JIM "THE CRUSHER" WOULD HAVE TO SAY ABOUT THAT.
ORDER ME UP A HAM AND RYE AT DEGNANS, WOULD YA? SIX HOURS IS NOTHING COMPARED TO 84 DAYS.... WALLY, IF YOU WANT TO CLIMB WITH ME, YOU NEED TO THINK SERIOUS. 6 HOURS OF WAITING (OR BELAYING) IS NOT SERIOUS. NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT 4 BOTTLES WE BROUGHT 40 - AND I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYONE THAT YOU DRANK MOST OF IT. I TOLD A FEW PEOPLE THAT PUKED ALOT.
YEAH - I HAD ALL OF THEM PAKISTANI WHOES.
SOUNDS GOOD ABOUT YOU BUYING AND I WOULD LOVE TO GET ON LOST IN AMERICA AGAIN. IT'S BEEN TOO LONG SINCE I'VE RUN UP THAT CHOSS PILE. NOT SURE WHAT YOU MEAN ABOUT THE DUMPED PART. I REMEMBER THAT YOU TOOK ALOT OF DUMPS ON THE ROUTE BECAUSE YOU WERE SO DAMN SCARED, BUT....
JUST KNOW THAT I LEAD AND YOU FOLLOW.
BURT BRONSON
THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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Jan 12, 2005 - 05:26pm PT
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BURT, THE WALLSTER HERE,
WE BROUGHT 40 BOTTLES? NO WONDER YOU DIDN'T HELP ME MUCH WITH THE FOUR *I* KNEW US TO HAVE. GOOD WORK. MY LIVER THANKS YOU.
"THE CRUSHER" TURNED ME ON TO, AND BELAYED ON, THIS SICK PEPPLE SLINGFEST. ALL BELAYS ARE ON 1" OR LESS MARBLES AND THERE ARE NO HOLES. ACTUALLY, THERE IS ONE BELAY WERE I SLUNG A 2" PEBBLE BUT IT WAS SO BOMBER I USED ONLY THE ONE.
I DON'T MIND THE LIES ABOUT PUKING A LOT - IT'S ALL RELATIVE, NO?
AS FAR AS WAITING SIX HOURS - THAT'S NOT A COMPLAINT. I GUESS THERE IS REASON WE DIDN'T ALWAY SEE EYE-TO-EYE (NOTHING TO DO WITH YOU BEING 7' 2"). BUT SINCE WERE ARE AIRING OUR DIRTY LAUNDRY, YOU WOULDN'T UNDERSTAND THE BEING DUMPED PART (FORGOT). GOTTA HAVE SOMETHING TO DUMP YA I SUPPOSE. BUT THAT, MY GOOD GOOD FRIEND, IS WHY YOU TRUELY ARE THE LAST BASTION OF THE SERIOUS HARD MAN.
I'LL ORDER YOU THAT HAM ON RYE. I'LL DO IT FOR YOU ONE LAST TIME. YOU KNOW HOW I FEEL ABOUT EATING DEAD ANIMALS. I DON'T EVEN LIKE TO ORDER DEAD THINGS. BUT DON'T WORRY, I WON'T SLIP YOU A TOFU BURGER. I REMEMBER WHAT THAT DID TO YOUR UNDERSHORTS LAST TIME I PULLED THAT FINE TRICK.
GLAD TO KNOW I CAN STILL BE YOUR BELAY SLAVE.
TAKE CARE,
BIG-WALL(Y)-BELAY-SLUT JOHNSTON.
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ricardo
Gym climber
San Francisco, CA
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Jan 12, 2005 - 07:44pm PT
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burt bronson has to me my favority all time troll ..
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