End Of The World Tomorrow.....

I need to make proper plans for the end

In a groundbreaking new report, experts say there is a chance the sun will not rise tomorrow and precautions should be taken immediately. Scientists R.W. Hack and P.D. Shill said in a Fox News interview this morning that the idea the sun will rise tomorrow with all certainty is a hoax, perpetrated by radical environmental extremists and supported by the liberal media. Hack and Shill said their research shows there is a significant chance that the sun will not rise tomorrow. It also shows an even greater likelihood that it won’t rise at some point in the future, and that their data supports this conclusion with 100% certainty.

Exxon released a statement in support of the research conducted by these scientists and others, which strongly suggests we need to plan for the possibility that the sun will not rise tomorrow. Exxon has developed new technology in conjunction with General Electric that will allow for artificial sunlight powered by oil. A GE Spokesman added “We bring good things to light.” The two companies are asking for a large government subsidy of taxpayer dollars to allow this project to be implemented.

Senator James Inhofe from OK introduced legislation today on the Senate floor denouncing those who claim with any certainty that the sun will in fact rise tomorrow, and labeled them “Dark Earthers” due to their denial of the possibility that the sun will not rise. He said those “Darkies” are putting our national security at risk, and our children will pay the price if we do not act now. The proposed legislation will give billions of tax dollars to Exxon and GE to implement their Artificial Sun technology. Socialist wing-nut Senator Bernie Sanders from leftist radical Vermont said the technology was not needed, and was untested and unproven as of yet.

After introduction of the legislation, every Senator who is beholden to the fossil-fuel industry signed on as a co-sponsor. There were 99 co-sponsors. The House is expected to take up debate on similar legislation this afternoon. When Dennis Kucinich was asked for his thoughts, the fringe, loony, left-wing, socialist, anarchist, Representative from Cleveland was clearly confused, bewildered, and befuddled, and he had no comment we felt fit to print.

President Obama said he would work with Congress to achieve bipartisan consensus on sound legislation that would be good for Wall Street and Main Street. Later, White House spokesman Robert Gibbs clarified that Pres. Obama was just kidding about helping Main Street. Stocks rallied on Wall Street.

Scientists who are part of the radical "Dark Earthers" environmental movement confirmed that even they cannot say with 100% certainty that the sun will rise tomorrow. Dr James Hansen, the CooCoo-for CoCo-Puffs radical extremist and former head of NASA, admitted science does not back the theory that the sun will rise with 100% certainty. He then added there is a 99.9999999999% chance that it will. Dr Hansen condemned this groundbreaking report, stating that the paper has not been peer-reviewed, and that the so-called scientists not only lack credentials, they are actually high paid lobbyists from a group calling itself Liberty and Independence for Americans Responsible for Security (LIARS), a fossil fuel industry front-group. When asked for comment regarding these allegations, the two scientists said, “I know you are but what am I,” a damning response that critics have yet to respond to. So, the debate rages on.

A peaceful non-violent candlelight vigil was planned for tonight by a group calling itself Citizens for Sane Policy. The group claims to represent the view of 99% of the world that the sun, in fact, will rise tomorrow, and advocates the position that we should not pursue costly legislation that only benefits corporations. Leaders of the group were promptly arrested and held without charge in an undisclosed location because of what Officials called "likely terrorist activities." The Officials added that after searching the group’s headquarters, they found lighters, candles, goggles, protective head gear, and gas masks; these items clearly indicated that the group's intentions were not peaceful. A spokesperson for Citizens for Sane Policy claimed the candles and lighters were needed because it was a candlelight vigil, and the other gear was strictly a precautionary and defensive measure in anticipation of police brutality. She also added that the arrests were not done by police but rather by what appeared to be Blackwater employees.

Three days without the sun coming up, or so I'm told.