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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Rodney Dangerfield:
I tell ya, my wife don't respect me. I was out of town for a week. When I came back and pulled into the driveway, three guys run out of the house. The last guy stops and says...
"Get the Hell out, her husbands home."
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Toker Villain
Big Wall climber
Toquerville, Utah
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Anybody see the latest Predator.
It is directed by Shane Black who was an actor in the original '87 film. He played the guy on Arnold's team that was always cracking jokes.
In addition to directing he wrote the latest and it is surprisingly funny.
One guy (wanting to start a fight) says, "How do you circumcise a homeless man?"
"I dunno. How?"
"I kick your momma in the jaw."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jan 11, 2019 - 03:11pm PT
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A flight attendant sees a suspicious looking couple on board, so she reports it to the Captain immediately
"Sir, I think we have a case of human trafficking! There is a very pretty, hot and sexy, female passenger on board, who looks quite frightened and the man she is with is a fat old slob who looks like a lecher, very sullen, mean and dangerous!"
The captain responds, "Patricia, I've told you this before. This is Air Force One..."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jan 18, 2019 - 10:49am PT
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A woman walks into an accountant's office and tells him that she needs to file her taxes.
The accountant says, "Before we begin, I'll need to ask you a few questions."
He gets her name, address, social security number, etc. and then asks,"What's your occupation?"
"I'm a prostitute," she says.
The accountant is somewhat taken aback and says, " Let's try to rephrase that."
The woman says, "OK, I'm a high-end call girl".
"No, that still won't work. Try again."
They both think for a minute; then the woman says,
"I'm an elite chicken farmer."
The accountant asks, "What does chicken farming have to do
with being a prostitute?"
"Well, I raised a thousand little peckers last year."
"Chicken Farmer it is."
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Aeriq
Sport climber
100-year Visitor
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Jan 18, 2019 - 06:00pm PT
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Amateur mycologists may have questionable morels.
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10b4me
Social climber
Lida Junction
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Jan 18, 2019 - 09:50pm PT
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A teacher ask a little boy to use the word fascinate in a sentence.
The little boy thinks about it, and then says "my aunt has a shirt with ten buttons on it, but her boobs are so big she can only fascinate"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Jan 19, 2019 - 08:50am PT
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Did I tell you about the time Frank Sinatra saved my life?
There were these two big guys beating the crap out of me in Las Vegas, and all of a sudden Frank came around the corner and said, "That's enough, boys."
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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Jan 20, 2019 - 07:46pm PT
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I was going to tell everyone a UDP joke, but I'm not sure you would get it.
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vôo
climber
Denver, CO
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Jan 20, 2019 - 08:16pm PT
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Ack Ack Ack
^that's a funny reply Malemute
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Jan 20, 2019 - 11:57pm PT
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Excellent geek humor! I wasn't sure I got it right... you should have included a checksum.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Jan 31, 2019 - 10:27pm PT
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hey there say, all...
okay, hee hee, my turn:
simple innocent stuff... sorry, not to technical...
just heard these from the neighbor's page of 'old jokes' ...
1--so, a sea-gull flies over the sea...
so WHAT flies over the bay?
a //bay'gull/ 'begal'
2--what did the bald man say, after being gifted with a comb?
thank you... i'll NEVER part with it...
:)
3--what did the store clerk yell, when the irate customer
threw a goose?
DUCK!
4--WHY did the chicken cross the road?
to GET the new york times...
get it???
no... but i get the wall street journal...
5--WHY was the radish, feeling 'drawn out, and not 'in the pink'?
it was 'HORSE'radish...
:)
6-- which SIDE of the horse, has the most hair?
the OUTSIDE...
: )
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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I've spent the last two years looking for my ex-girlfriend's killer.
So far nobody wants to do it.
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Feb 15, 2019 - 08:03pm PT
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Q: What do you call a tenor with erectile dysfunction?
A: Flaccido Domingo.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Feb 15, 2019 - 10:56pm PT
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Dear Handy Andy,
I really need your advice on a serious problem: I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. The usual signs: if the phone rings and I answer, the caller hangs up; she goes out with the girls a lot. I try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home but I usually fall asleep. Anyway last night about midnight I hid in the shed behind the boat. When she came home she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on.
It was at that moment, crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard engine mounting bracket.
My question: Is that something I can weld or do I need to replace it?
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tuolumne_tradster
Trad climber
Leading Edge of North American Plate
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Feb 16, 2019 - 07:42am PT
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Q: what is the KGB code name for Trump?
A: Agent Orange
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 16, 2019 - 10:17am PT
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IntheFog
climber
Mostly the next place
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Feb 16, 2019 - 11:17pm PT
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A Newfie walks into a hardware store, finds a clerk and says, "I can cut down ten trees a day with my axe, but it's killing my arms. Do you have anything that will help me cut down more?"
The clerk shows the Newfie a chainsaw, and tells him he'll be able to cut down forty trees a day easy, and his arms won't hurt at all. The Newfie is so impressed he pulls out his wallet and buys it on the spot (using Canadian dollars!).
Late the next afternoon, the Newfie storms in, slams the saw down, leans over the counter and picks the clerk up. Pulling him half over the counter, the Newfie yells at the clerk: "You lied to me. You said I could cut down forty trees a day with this thing. I've been out there all day. I've only cut down fifteen trees and my arms are dead."
"It might be broken," says the clerk. "Let me take a look." He takes the chainsaw off the counter, puts it on the ground and pulls the starter cord.
The Newfie looks at him, puzzled, and says, "What's that noise!?"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Feb 17, 2019 - 11:36am PT
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A couple was Christmas shopping at the mall on Christmas Eve and the mall was packed.
As the wife walked through the mall she was surprised to look up and see her husband was nowhere around. She was quite upset because they had a lot to do. Because she was so worried, she called him on her cell phone to ask him where he was.
In a calm voice, the husband said, "Honey, you remember the jewelry store we went into about 5 years ago where you fell in love with that diamond necklace that we could not afford and I told you that I would get it for you one day?"
The wife choked up and started to cry and said, "Yes, I remember that jewelry store."
He said, "Well, I'm in the bar right next to it."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Feb 17, 2019 - 12:54pm PT
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A teacher asks Little Johnny to use the word 'contagious' in a sentence.
He replies, "I was riding in the car with my dad the other day and we passed a house being painted by a woman. My dad said it's going to take that cvnt ages to finish that house."
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