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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Chinese sick leave
Ho Chow calls into work and says "Hey, I no come work today, I really sick. Got headache, stomach ache and legs hurt, I no come work."
The boss says, "You know something Ho Chow, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and ask her for sex. That makes everything better and I go to work. You try that."
Two hours later Ho Chow calls again. "I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon... You got nice house.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 12, 2018 - 01:08pm PT
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Diner: "I'm allergic to gluten, dairy, nuts, and I'm a vegan. What can I get?"
Waiter: "The f outta here."
(Thx Guido)
edit--I don't suppose, on second thought, that it's a very funny joke. I mean, here's this poor guy, allergic to nature's bounty...but then, he's a vegan by choice, so that's lame...gee, maybe I should delete...nah, maybe someone will think twice before posting a lame joke...aw, just f it.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Sep 12, 2018 - 01:11pm PT
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Rodney:
“I hadda rough childhood, rough I tell ya! My dad took me to the zoo.
They thanked him for returning me.”. <rim shot>
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looks easy from here
climber
Ben Lomond, CA
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Sep 12, 2018 - 01:48pm PT
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mfm, easy fix: just change it from "I'm allergic to..." to "I don't eat..." That takes it instantly from unfortunate to jackassery.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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easy for you to say...
Soviet Jokes
A frightened Ivan came to the KGB.
"My talking parrot has disappeared," he said.
"This is not our case," says the KGB, "go to the criminal police."
"Excuse me," says the man. "Of course I know I have to go to the
criminal police. I am here just to tell you officially that I
disagree with my parrot."
Following his visit to the KGB, Ivan went to a shop for some food.
"You have no meat?" he asked the sales lady.
"No," she said. "We haven't any fish. The shop across the street is out of meat. They had parrot yesterday, though."
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Mouse, that server joke is gold.
I was up all night wondering where the sun went...
Then it dawned on me.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 17, 2018 - 10:16am PT
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 17, 2018 - 01:11pm PT
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A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The manager greeted him with a warm handshake and a smile, gave him a broom and said, “Your first job will be to sweep out the store.”
“But I’m a college graduate,” the young man replied indignantly.
“Oh, I’m sorry. I didn’t know that,” said the manager.
“Here, give me the broom – I’ll show you how.”
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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Oct 17, 2018 - 02:39pm PT
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Rodney Dangerfield got no respect, even as a child. When he was born, the doctor smacked him on the back. He found out later the nurse got in a few whacks too.
His Dad took him to the zoo, hoping his real parent would claim him.
When he was playing in his sand box, the cat kept trying to cover him up.
The day he got lost at the beach, he asked the cop trying to help him find his parents, he asked the cop, "Do you think we'll find them?". The cop said, "I dunno kid, there's so many places they could hide".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 18, 2018 - 01:27pm PT
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Toward the end of his Sunday church service, the Minister asked, “How many of you have forgiven your enemies?”
80% held up their hands.
The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes.
"Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," he replied gruffly.
"Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?
“Ninety-eight." he replied.
The congregation stood up and clapped their hands.
"Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?"
The old man tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply,
"I outlived all them as#@&%es" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
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zBrown
Ice climber
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Oct 18, 2018 - 07:59pm PT
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From the wall above the urinal
Don't look here the joke is in your hand
Short enough for ya?
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Oct 18, 2018 - 08:17pm PT
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I need some DNA - short ones
Sorry, wrong thread.
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JC Marin
Trad climber
CA
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Oct 18, 2018 - 10:29pm PT
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What did the Deadhead say when the drugs wore off?
Dude...this music sucks man.
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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Oct 19, 2018 - 08:20am PT
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Oct 19, 2018 - 09:04am PT
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Reality is for people who can't handle drugs.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Oct 19, 2018 - 09:21am PT
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“If you like to spend your vacation in out-of-the-way places where few people go, let your wife read the map.”
What are three words a woman never wants to hear when she's making love? "Honey, I'm home!"
She was at the beauty shop for two hours. That was only for the estimate. She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell off.
The Harvard School of Medicine did a study of why Jewish women like Chinese food so much. The study revealed that this is due to the fact that Won Ton spelled backward is Not Now.
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Outside the Asylum
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Oct 30, 2018 - 06:13pm PT
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A Catholic priest, a Baptist preacher and a rabbi all served as chaplains to the students of a northern university.
They would get together two or three times a week for coffee and to talk shop.
One day, somebody made the comment that preaching to people isn't really all that hard.
A real challenge would be to preach to a bear.
One thing led to another, and they decided on an experiment. They would all go out into the woods, find a bear, preach to it, and attempt to convert it to their religion.
Seven days later, they met to discuss their experiences.
Father Flannery, with his arm in a sling, on crutches, and with various bandages on his body and limbs, went first. 'Well,' he said, 'I went into the woods to find me a bear. And when I found him, I began to read to him from the catechism. That bear wanted nothing to do with me and began to slap me around. So I quickly grabbed my holy water, sprinkled him and, Holy Mary Mother of God, he became as gentle as a lamb. The Bishop is coming out next week to give him first communion and confirmation.'
Reverend Billy Bob spoke next. He was in a wheelchair, with one arm and both legs in casts, and with an IV drip in the other arm.In his best fire-and-brimstone oratory, he exclaimed, 'Well, brothers, you KNOW that we Baptists don't sprinkle!
I went out and I FOUND me a bear, and began to read to him from God's HOLY WORD! But that bear wanted nothing to do with me. So I took hold of him and we began to wrestle. We wrestled down one hill, UP another and DOWN another until we came to a creek.
So I quickly DUNKED him and BAPTISED his hairy soul. And just like you said, he became as gentle as a lamb. We spent the rest of the day praising Jesus ... Hallelujah!
The priest and the reverend both looked down at the rabbi, who was lying in a hospital bed. He was in a body cast and traction with IVs and monitors running in and out of him. He was in really bad shape. The rabbi looked up and said: "Looking back, circumcision may not have been the best way to start."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Oct 30, 2018 - 07:57pm PT
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Oct 31, 2018 - 05:21pm PT
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So, I'll bite. Who's there?
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