Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
|
|
|
Jul 22, 2018 - 05:47pm PT
|
Teacher asks class to think a little laterally and answer the question, "How can you put 2 holes in one?".
After no one could answer, she made a ring with her finger and put it around her nostrils and said, "That's how".
Little johnny excitedly raises his hand and says, "Teacher teacher! Wanna know how to put 7 holes in one?".
The teacher was stumped, so little johnny says, "Take a flute and shove it up your arse!"
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 22, 2018 - 07:08pm PT
|
So, Bob forgets his wedding anniversary. His wife was mad. She told him
"Tomorrow morning, I expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds AND IT BETTER BE THERE!!!"
The next morning when his wife woke up, she looked out the window to find a box gift-wrapped in the middle of the driveway. She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale. . . Bob has been missing since Friday!
|
|
i-b-goB
Social climber
Nutty
|
|
|
Jul 23, 2018 - 08:53pm PT
|
Nancy Pelosi called Chuck Schumer one day and said, I have a plan to help us win the mid terms in 2018 and help us regain control of Congress.
“Great Nancy, but how?” asked Chuck..
“We’ll get some cheesy clothes and shoes, like most Middle Class Americans wear, then stop at the pound and pick up a Labrador retriever.
Then, we’ll go to a nice old country bar in Montana and show them how much admiration and respect we have for the hard working people living there.”
So they did, and found just the place they were looking for in Bozeman, Montana. With the dog in tow, they walked inside and stepped up to the bar.
The Bartender took a step back and said, “Hey! Aren’t you Chuck Schumer and Nancy Pelosi?”
“Yes we are!” said Nancy, “And what a lovely town you have here. We were passing through and Chuck suggested we stop and take in some local color.”
They ordered a round of bourbon for the whole bar, and started chatting up a storm with anyone who would listen.
A few minutes later, a grizzled old rancher came in, walked up to the Labrador, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, shrugged his shoulders and walked out.
A few moments later, in came another old rancher. He walked up to the dog, lifted up its tail, looked underneath, scratched his head and left the bar.
For the next hour, another dozen ranchers came in, lifted the dog’s tail, and left shaking their heads.
Finally, Nancy asked, “Why did all those old ranchers come in and look under the dog’s tail? Is it some sort of custom?”
“Lord no,” said the bartender. “Someone’s out there running around town, claiming there’s a Labrador Retriever in here with two arsholes!”
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 04:59pm PT
|
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 05:18pm PT
|
Wino, THAT VERY woman was seated next to me on a flight to Vegas! As we’re rolling down
the runway I told her to turn off her damn phone. She turned to me and said “Why?”
It wasn’t a joke - you can’t make that sh!t up.
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 07:50pm PT
|
Yeah, was she sitting in the exit seat? I tried to send you wine once, but you never responded to my pm. If you're ever in the Yakima area give me a call. I'm hoping to nail 1000!!!
Edited to add: Flew a Qantas flight from Auckland to LA in the window seat trapped by a 300 pound woman whose greasy arms overflowed the arm rest and whose inability to get up from a center seat without great panting and agony caused me to fly for twelve hours without pissing. Qantas, after I wrote them and explained what had happened, sent me a $500 voucher. I suggested they should institute a butt measuring thing similar to the carry on baggage gauge; they said they couldn't because of discrimination rules ... but they got the humor.
|
|
Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:01pm PT
|
I'm always open for more wine. And Yakima ain't that far...
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:06pm PT
|
Nice try, but Mornington Crescent suggests otherwise........
|
|
Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:23pm PT
|
Nice try, but Mornington Crescent suggests otherwise........
Yeah, the tube doesn't run from here to Yakima...
Okay, the tube here hardly runs anywhere, but I do have a car, any Yakima is on the way to Tieton...
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:30pm PT
|
Okay, I'm convinced. If you're in Mighty Tieton let me know and we'll do something.
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:30pm PT
|
Wino, I appreciate your kind offer. ST PM doesn’t work. I get up there fairly regularly so maybe I can pick it up in poison? Is El Tapatio still cranking out tortillas in Toppenish? BITD they had a little food stand too - best burritos evah! You had to know it was there - many of my homies were from Yakima.
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:37pm PT
|
Hey Reilly, if you're heading this way let me know. Yeah ST PM is not the best. I sort of stay out of Toppenish unless I need gas; the murals drive me nuts. I hesitate to publish email stuff, so if you're going to be in the area post something; here is good and I'll give you an email address.
|
|
Pennsylenvy
Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:42pm PT
|
R: Why did the chicken blow donald trump?
A: To see if he could get to the other side of the road
|
|
Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 08:51pm PT
|
yeah You never can tell what sort of riff-raff might be lurking, better not post any email ee type information . . . hows the air up there?
guessing your not going to be in touch but Gnome ofthe Diabase the whole thing no spaces or capital letters, ampersand G mail dot com.
i saw, "Orphanator" so true, terribly so true> Making innocents into sociopaths, mass murders of women & children, out of kidnapped children. The DeVose Family is profiting off the carnage and will be stealing the kids left over for their private armies...
No,No,Exit
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 26, 2018 - 09:06pm PT
|
Hey, thanks guys, that was great to get the addresses. If any of you are in the area please let me know and we'll do something.
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:14pm PT
|
To redeem myself from the above:
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a mand should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Jul 27, 2018 - 01:42pm PT
|
An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer.
The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer, and so on.
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says
'You guys need to learn your limits.'
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Jul 27, 2018 - 02:37pm PT
|
From my daughter Rachel;
What is a homeless person's favorite food?
Corn on the curb.
|
|
Larry Nelson
Social climber
|
|
|
Jul 28, 2018 - 10:15pm PT
|
A Boeing 777 wide-body jetliner was lumbering along at 500mph and 33000 feet when an F-17 fighter jet flashed by at Mach 2.
Deciding to show off, the young fighter pilot radioed the 777 pilot, “Hey Captain, watch this!”
He promptly went into a barrel roll, followed by a steep, vertical climb. He finished with a sonic boom in a steep dive.
The young F-17 pilot asked the 777 pilot what he thought of that?
The 777 pilot said, “That was truly impressive, but watch this!”
The 777 chugged along for about 5 minutes at the steady 500mph, and finally the 777 pilot came back on and said, “What did you think of that?”
Puzzled, the cocky F-17 pilot asked, “What the heck did you do?”
The 777 pilot chuckled and said, "I stood up, stretched my legs, walked to the back, used the toilet, got a cup of coffee with a cinnamon roll and then secured a date for the next 3 nights in a five star hotel paid for by the company"
It's called S.O.S.
Slower, Older and Smarter!
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!