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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 06:00pm PT
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Don't know if this is true or not. Still.......
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This was reported in the Newcastle Evening Chronicle recently.
Be sure to cancel your credit cards before you die!!!
This is so priceless and so easy to see happening - customer service, being what it is today!
A lady died this past September, and MBNA bank billed her for October and November for their annual service charges on her credit card, and then added late fees and interest on the monthly charge.
The balance that had been £0.00, now is somewhere around £60.00.
A family member placed a call to the MBNA Bank:
Family Member:
'I am calling to tell you that she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'Maybe, you should turn it over to collections.'
MBNA:
'Since it is two months past due, it already has been.'
Family Member:
'So, what will they do when they find out she is dead?'
MBNA:
'Either report her account to the frauds division or report her to the credit bureau, maybe both!'
Family Member:
'Do you think God will be mad at her?'
MBNA:
'Excuse me?'
Family Member:
'Did you just get what I was telling you .... The part about her being dead?'
MBNA:
'Sir, you'll have to speak to my supervisor.'
Supervisor gets on the phone:
Family Member:
'I'm calling to tell you, she died in September.'
MBNA:
'The account was never closed and the late fees and charges still apply.'
Family Member:
'You mean you want to collect from her estate?'
MBNA:
(Stammer) 'Are you her lawyer?'
Family Member:
'No, I'm her grandson' (Lawyer info given)
MBNA:
'Could you fax us a certificate of death?'
Family Member:
'Sure.' (fax number is given)
After MBNA gets the fax:
MBNA:
'Our system just isn't set up for death. I don't know what more I can do to help.'
Family Member:
'Well, if you figure it out, great! If not, you could just keep billing her. I don't think she will care.'
MBNA:
'Well, the late fees and charges do still apply.'
Family Member:
'Would you like her new billing address?'
MBNA:
'That might help.'
Family Member:
' Heaton Cemetery , Heaton Road , Newcastle upon Tyne Plot 1049.'
MBNA:
'Sir, that's a cemetery!'
Family Member:
'Well, what the f*** do you do with dead people on your planet?'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 06:35pm PT
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John walked into a pub around 9:58 PM. He sat down next to a blonde at the bar
and stared up at the TV.
The 10 PM news was coming on. The news crew was covering the story
of a man on the ledge of a large building preparing to jump.
The blonde looked at John and said "Do you think he'll jump?"
John said "You know, I bet he'll jump."
The blonde replied "Well, I bet he won't."
John placed a $20 bill on the bar and said "You're on!"
Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar the guy on the ledge did a swan dive off the building, falling to his death.
The blonde was very upset but willingly handed her $20 bill to John. "Fair's fair. Here's your money."
John replied "I can't take your money. I saw this earlier on the 5 PM news so I knew he would jump."
The blonde replied "I did, too, but I didn't think he'd do it again."
John took the money.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 06:36pm PT
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Two blonde pilots are trying to land an airplane.
They start descending and as they touch the ground the one blonde screams to the other blonde, "Bambi, pull up, the runaway is ending!"
She swiftly gets the plane back up in the air.
They make a big turn and start descending again.
The moment they touch the ground, the first blonde screams again, "Get the plane up, Bambi, the runaway is ending!"
The second blonde swiftly gets the plane back up in the air. They make a big turn and start descending again. This goes on again and again...
During their fourth descent the second pilot says, "This is so dumb, Candi, they build this huge and expensive airport but with such a short runaway."
"I know," answers Candi, "But look how wide they made it!
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jul 12, 2018 - 07:55pm PT
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For his birthday, little Johnny asked for a 10-speed bicycle.
His father said, “Son, we’d give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $489,000 and your mother just lost her job.
I’m sorry but there’s no way we can afford it.”
The next day the father saw little Johnny heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, “Son, where are you going?”
Little Johnny told him, “I was walking past your room last night and heard you telling mom you were pulling out.
Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too.
And I’ll be damned if I’m staying here by myself with a $489,000 mortgage and no fukin’ bike.”
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jul 14, 2018 - 12:45pm PT
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I don’t see why Brits don’t celebrate the 4th of July.
Surely 235 years of being officially separate from America is something to be happy about.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 03:16pm PT
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That's a bigoted joke against blondes. So?
During a company's recent password audit, it was found that a blonde employee was using the following password:
"MickeyMinniePlutoHueyLouieDeweyDonaldGoofyOlympia"
When asked why she had such a long password, she said she was told that it had to be at least 8 characters long and include at least one capital.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 03:23pm PT
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Might as well offend the Scotties too:
The Swede's wife steps up to the tee and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear.
'Good God, woman! Why aren't you wearing any skivvies?', her husband demanded.
'Well' she said, 'you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford any.'
The Swede immediately reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 50. Go and buy yourself some underwear..'
Next, the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee.
Her skirt also blows up to show that she, too, is wearing no undies. 'Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers. Why not?'
She replies, 'I can't afford any on the money you give me.'
Patrick reaches into his pocket and says, 'For the sake of decency, here's a 20. Go and buy yourself some underwear"!
Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it.
'Sweet mudder of Jaysus, Aggie! Where ta friggin hell are yer drawers?' She too explains, 'You dinna give me enough money ta be able ta affarrd any.'
The Scotsman reaches into his pocket and says, 'Well, fer the love 'o decency, here's a comb.... Tidy yerself up a bit.
Edited to add: I know it's a beautiful Saturday but I'm really not wasting it in front of the computer!!! Just got back from 50 miles in 98° heat. Amazing how cool it is while riding, but how you turn into a soaking rag when you stop. Thanks Yakima low humidity!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 03:46pm PT
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How about Indians (from India)? Although, really, this is not a mockery.
A stark naked, drunken Australian woman jumped into a vacant taxi in downtown New Delhi .
The Indian driver was immediately beside himself and just kept on staring at the woman. He made no attempt to start the cab.
"What's wrong with you mate, haven't you ever seen a naked white woman before?"
"I'll not be staring at you lady, I am telling you that would not be proper where I am coming from".
"Well if you're not bloody staring at me mate, what are you doing then?"
"Well, I am telling you, I am thinking to myself where is this lady keeping the money to be paying me with."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 07:37pm PT
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Here you go Cosmic, mocks no one.
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An Englishman, a Scotsman, an Irishman, a Latvian, a Turk, an Aussie, a Yank, an Egyptian, a Jap, a Mexican, a Spaniard, an Argentinian, a Greek, a Russian, an Estonian, a German, a Canadian, an Italian, a Pole, a Lithuanian, a Norwegian, a Swede, a Finn, a South African, an Israeli, a Romanian, a Bulgarian, a Serb, a Czech, a blonde, and a Swiss man walk into a bar.
"Sorry guys, no drinks for you lot," says the barman.
"Why not?" they say.
The barman replies, "I can't let you in without a Thai."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
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Even more Cosmic!!!!!!!
A husband and his blonde wife want to take golf lessons from a pro at a local country club. The couple meet the pro and head onto the driving range. The man goes up to hit first. He swings and hits the ball 100 yards. The golf pro says "Not bad. Now hold the club as firm as you hold your wife's tits".
The man follows his instructions and hits the ball 300 yards. The pro says "Excellent!"
Now the blonde takes her turn. Her ball goes 30 yards. The pro then says "Not bad, but now try holding the club like you hold your husband's dick."
She swings and the ball goes 10 yards. The pro says "Ok, now try taking the club out of your mouth and hit the ball."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 14, 2018 - 08:00pm PT
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Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Enzo, has cheated him out of 10 million bucks.
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Enzo would hear nothing that he might have to testify about in court.
When the Godfather goes to confront Enzo about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language.
The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the 10 million bucks is that he embezzled from me."
The lawyer, using sign language, asks Enzo where the money is. Enzo signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about."
The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about."
The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Enzo's temple and says, "Ask him again!"
The lawyer signs to Enzo, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him."
Enzo signs back, "OK. You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed in my cousin Bruno's backyard in Woodbridge !"
The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?"
The lawyer replies, " He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 06:55am PT
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VIC HENLEY: WHAT EVERYBODY UP NORTH THINKS
Everybody from the North thinks everybody from the South is just sitting around, barefoot, wearing overalls, eating grits, watching 'Hee Haw,' listening to country music, drinking Jack Daniel's, going to tractor pulls, wearing trucker caps, dipping Skoal, picking cotton, riding around in pickup trucks, having sex with our relatives, and looking for UFOs. And that's not true -- it's not -- I've never seen a UFO, and second cousins don't count.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 06:56am PT
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What drug was the duck on?
Qwack!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 11:52am PT
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WHAT DO DALE EARNHARDT AND PINK FLOYD...
What do Dale Earnhardt and Pink Floyd have in common?
Their last big hit was The Wall.
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Jul 15, 2018 - 12:06pm PT
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 15, 2018 - 06:25pm PT
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DOUBLE WIDE
Q: What is a double-wide salad?
A: It's for people who can't afford a house salad.
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G_Gnome
Trad climber
Cali
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Jul 15, 2018 - 07:03pm PT
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Winemaker, you are killing it lately. Even if some are biased against blondes.
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Jul 16, 2018 - 08:06am PT
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So what do you have when there is a redneck on the floor with beer coming out of both sides of his mouth?
You know that the trailer is level.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 17, 2018 - 05:34am PT
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THE COWBOY'S LAST WISHES
A cowboy was riding through an old abandoned canyon trail when he was captured by a group of ruthless banditos intent on killing him. In their drunkenness, they decided to go easy on him and grant him three requests.
For his first, he asked for his horse. He whispered something to his horse, who then rode off and returned with a beautiful woman. The cowboy spent the night with the woman.
The same thing happened the second day. But when the horse returned on the third day with another woman, the cowboy lost his temper and yelled "You stupid horse! I said 'posse!'"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 22, 2018 - 02:53pm PT
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