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nafod
Boulder climber
State college
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Guy shows his friend a hand full of dog sh#t and says, "Look what I almost stepped in."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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DUCK-HUNTING DOG TELLS ALL
A man invites a friend to watch his prize duck hunting dog at work.
They approach the first pond, the dog runs ahead into the brush. He comes back and waves his tail once. The owner tells his friend that this means there is one duck on the pond. They walk up, and sure enough, one duck flies off.
At the second pond, the dog waves his tail three times. The owner explains that this means there are three ducks on the pond. When they walk up, exactly three ducks take flight.
At the third pond, the dog runs back and forth, humping the hunters' legs and chasing his tail. The friend asks what in the world this means. The owner explains, "This means there are so many f**king ducks on that pond, he can't even count them."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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I THINK I'M A MOTH
A guy walks into a dentist's office and says, "I think I'm a moth."
The dentist replies "You shouldn't be here. You should be seeing a psychiatrist..."
The guys replies, "I am seeing a psychiatrist."
The dentist says, "Well then what are you doing here?"
And the guy says, "Your light was on."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TURTLES AND PICNICS AND A MINOR TRAGEDY
Three turtles, Joe, Steve, and Poncho, decide to go on a picnic. Joe packs the picnic basket with cookies, bottled sodas, and sandwiches. The trouble is, the picnic site is 10 miles away, so the turtles take 10 whole days to get there.
By the time they do arrive, everyone's whipped and hungry. Joe takes the stuff out of the basket, one by one. He takes out the sodas and realizes that they forgot to bring a bottle opener. Joe & Steve beg Poncho to turn back home and retrieve it, but Poncho flatly refuses, knowing that they'll eat everything by the time he gets back.
Somehow, after about two hours, the turtles manage to convince Poncho to go, swearing on their great-grand turtles' graves that they won't touch the food. So, Poncho sets off down the road, slow and steady.
Twenty days pass, but no Poncho. Joe and Steve are hungry and puzzled, but a promise is a promise. Another day passes, and still no Poncho, but a promise is a promise. After three more days pass without Poncho in sight, Steve starts getting restless. "I NEED FOOD!" he says with a hint of dementia in his voice.
"NO!" Joe retorts. "We promised."
Five more days pass. Joe realizes that Poncho probably skipped out to the Burger King down the road, so the two turtles weakly lift the lid, get a sandwich, and open their mouths to eat. But then, right at that instant, Poncho pops out behind a rock.
"Just for that, I'm not going."
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Jon Beck
Trad climber
Oceanside
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Knock knock
Who is there?
9/11
9/11 who?
You said you would never forget
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Jon Beck
Trad climber
Oceanside
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Wife was cleaning 12 year old son's bedroom when she finds a load of serious bondage gear and fetish mags. She asks her husband "what do we do?" Husband says "I'm no expert, but I wouldn't phucking spank him."
What's the difference between USA and USB?
One connects to your devices and accesses your data, and the other is a hardware standard.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Two California farmers are having a discussion.
Farmer Jim turns to Bob, and says, "You know what, I'm going to go to college!" He then leaves the bar and makes his way over to the local college. He is meets with the Dean of Administration, who after some questions, explains to Jim what classes he is going to take.
"Alright, Jim. You are going to take 4 classes," the Dean says. "English, Math, Science, and Logic."
"Logic?" Jim asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
Proudly, Jim responded, "Yes, I do."
"Well, if you own a weed wacker, then logically speaking you own a lawn," the Dean said.
"Yes, yes I do have a lawn!"
"Well, if you have a lawn, then logically speaking you own a house."
"Yes, yes I do have a house!"
"And if you have a house, then logically speaking you have a family."
"Yes, yes I do have a family!"
"And if you have a family, then logically speaking you have a wife. And if you have a wife, then logically speaking you're heterosexual."
"Yes, yes I do have a wife and I am heterosexual! Wow, I can't believe you found out all of that just because you knew I had a weed wacker!" Jim exclaimed.
"Yeah, that's what logic is," the Dean responded. Jim excitedly went back to the bar, awaited by Bob.
"Bob, I'm taking 4 classes in college. English, Math, Science, and Logic," Jim told Bob.
"Logic?" Bob asks. "What the hell is that?"
"Here, I'll give you an example. Do you own a weed wacker?"
"No."
"Then you're gay."
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H
Mountain climber
there and back again
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Good one Jon
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BDTN
Mountain climber
Mesa AZ
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Who was the first person to download information from the cloud to a tablet
Moses
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Here's a better Christian joke:
Little April was not the best student in Sunday school. Usually she slept through the class.
One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, "Tell me, April, who created the universe?" When April didn't stir, little Johnny, a boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. "GOD ALMIGHTY!" shouted April and the teacher said, "Very good" and April fell back asleep.
A while later the teacher asked April, "Who is our Lord and Saviour," But, April didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. "JESUS CHRIST!" shouted April and the teacher said, "very good," and April fell back to sleep.
Then the teacher asked April a third question. "What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?" And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time April jumped up and shouted, "IF YOU STICK THAT F*G THING IN ME ONE MORE TIME, I'LL BREAK IT IN HALF AND STICK IT UP YOUR ARSE!"
The Teacher fainted.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TWO RIBBONS
A woman calls a clinic and says she hasn't been able to sleep because her dog snores too loudly. The doctor told her to tie a ribbon around his balls and he will shutup. The woman goes to her bedroom and sees her dog lieing on the floor snoring. She gets a red ribbon and ties it around his balls. The dog stops snoring. The woman goes to sleep.
After a while, her husband comes home drunk. He lays in bed and falls fast asleep. He starts to snore loudly so the woman gets a blue ribbon and ties it around his balls. The next morning the woman gets up and goes to work. The man wakes up and sees the blue ribbon on his balls. Then he looks down at the dog and sees the red ribbon around his balls. The guy says to the dog, ''I don't know what we did lasst night, but we got first and second place!'''
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Air New Zealand has caused controversy by altering its in-flight menu to include a Vegan burger.
Personally I can't see what the fuss is about, as long as the Vegans are humanely killed.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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MICHAEL PALASCAK: HYBRID SUVS
They make hybrid SUVs but everything I read was like, 'Well it's not like the most awesome SUV and it's not like the best hybrid.' It's like, 'Here's a donut it's healthy just eat the middle air part. Zero calories in that air right there, smells just like a donut.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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RYAN STOUT: IF ANIMALS COULD TALK
I saw an advertisement; it said: 'If animals could talk, we'd all be vegetarians.' Oh, isn't that cute? Too bad that's not true, right? I think if animals could talk they would tell us which other animals taste frigging great.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 11, 2018 - 09:29pm PT
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PAT HAZELL: FOUR-PACK OF TOILET PAPER
I like to buy a four-pack of toilet paper every time I shop, just so I can ask the clerk this judgment question: 'Would you say I got the right amount of toilet paper for the amount of groceries I bought?'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jul 12, 2018 - 03:04pm PT
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DOV DAVIDOFF: TRY LAMB SKIN
My friend said, 'Try lamb skin. They're really thin. Lamb skin condoms, they're good.' And they are. What he didn't tell me was that right when you begin to conduct business, the whole room smells like a gyro. We were doing our thing. She said, 'What's that?' I said, 'I don't know, but I'm getting hungry,'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 04:27pm PT
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Two young businessmen in Florida were sitting down for a break in their
soon-to-be new store in the shopping mall. As yet, the store wasn't ready,
with only a few shelves and display racks set up.
One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to
walk by, ask what we're selling."
Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior gentleman walked up to
the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a loud
voice asked, "What are you sellin' here?"
One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling ass-holes."
Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only
two left."
Seniors -- don't mess with them. They didn't get old by being stupid!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Jul 12, 2018 - 04:37pm PT
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A man walked into a cafe, went to the bar and ordered a beer.
'Certainly, Sir, that'll be one cent.'
'One Cent?' the man exclaimed.
He glanced at the menu and asked: 'How much for
a nice juicy steak and a bottle of wine?'
'A nickel,' the barman replied.
'A nickel?' exclaimed the man. 'Where's the guy who owns this place?'
The bartender replied: 'Upstairs, with my wife.'
The man asked: 'What's he doing upstairs with your wife?'
The bartender replied: 'The same thing I'm doing to
his business down here.'
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