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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 14, 2018 - 06:41am PT
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JEFF STILSON: NAMING THE BABY
It's very stressful becoming a parent. You know what was really hard for me? Coming up with names for our children. I panic when I have to name a new document on my computer. Damn, everybody uses 'miscellaneous.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 15, 2018 - 06:51am PT
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JEFF STILSON: MEN IN THE DELIVERY ROOM
I was present for all of their births. That's expected of men now. We gotta be there when the kids are born, and I'm still not sure what our role is in the delivery room. As far as I can tell, it's like waiting for your luggage at baggage claim. You just stand there and peer into that void. 'God, I hope that one's mine.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 15, 2018 - 06:56am PT
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JEFF STILSON: BLAMING THE PARENTS
There's a lot of pressure on parents, man, just figured that out. Parents get blamed for everything now. Even when their kids are grown up and out of the house, parents are used as scapegoats. 'I'm a loser because my father's an alcoholic.' No, your father's an alcoholic because you're a loser.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 16, 2018 - 06:20am PT
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LISA DELARIOS: STUFFED ANIMALS
If I were eight years old, that would be my ultimate fantasy -- to have my very own paralyzed dog. 'Cause, you know, your stuffed animals -- they're cute and fluffy, but they're not alive.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 16, 2018 - 07:28am PT
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bombolini
Boulder climber
San Pedro
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Jun 16, 2018 - 08:46am PT
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I pulled my head out of my ass and said, "NO SH#T".
The other day I was talking to myself and I said, "SELF."
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Jun 16, 2018 - 06:39pm PT
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Y’all know the ‘toothbrush’ was invented in Arkansas, right?
If it had been invented anywhere else they woulda called it the ‘teethbrush’.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 16, 2018 - 07:56pm PT
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Totally by accident, I happened to walk into our camp, while my best friend was having vigorous outdoor sex with his wife.
Unfortunately, 5 minutes later, they both suddenly noticed me standing 20' away.
We were all so embarrassed by this happening, that none of us brought it up during our climbing trip.
A couple weeks later, after drinking quite a bit of wine with my best friend, he finally brought up the incident, saying:
“So, do my wife & I have a career in porn.”
I thought for a while, & shuffled my feet, then replied:
“The good-news is: you don’t ever have to worry about me wanting to have sex with your wife.”
“The bad-news is, you likely don’t have a career in porn.”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 24, 2018 - 08:02am PT
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THE BRASS RAT
A man walked into a curio store and was shopping around. After awhile, he chose a brass rat and brought it up to the counter.
"That will be $10 for the brass rat and $1,000 for the story behind it," said the proprietor.
"Thanks, but I'll just pay the $10 and pass on the story." He purchased the brass rat and left the store. As he was walking down the street, he started noticing all sorts of rats following him. The further he walked, the more rats followed. He walked down to the wharf and still more rats came out and followed him. So, he decided to walk out into the water, all the rats drowned. He returned to the store shortly.
"Ah-ha!" said the proprietor. "You've come back for the story, right?"
"Nope," said the man. "You have any brass lawyers?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 24, 2018 - 08:52pm PT
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There once was a man from Trent. His c*#k was so long, it bent. When he was in trouble, he tucked it in double. So instead of cumming, he went.
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Mill Valley, Ca
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Jun 24, 2018 - 10:37pm PT
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Q. How do you know when your girlfriend is getting fat?
A. She fits into your wife's clothes.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Jun 27, 2018 - 01:20am PT
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French revolution.
A Priest, a lawyer, and an engineer stand, each waiting their turn at the Guillotine.
The Priest is led into position, the blade is dropped, and miraculously it stops just short of his neck. Praising God for his salvation, he walks away. The same happens for the lawyer.
All the while the engineer has been watching. When they come for him he says "I see what your problem is..."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 27, 2018 - 06:28am PT
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JULIAN MCCULLOUGH: FRIEND REQUEST
I checked my Facebook this week, and I had a friend request. I was like, 'Still got it.' So I clicked on it, and it was a cat. And my real thought, I'm not even kidding, was, 'I don't know this cat.' I was suspicious 'cause I didn't recognize it. So, I went through its pictures to see if I recognized any cats it was hanging out with.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 27, 2018 - 04:57pm PT
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FOOTBALL FAN TO THE RESCUE
Two boys are playing football in Central Park when one is attacked by a rabid rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off of a nearby fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.
A reporter strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to interview the boy.
"Young Giants Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he writes in his notebook.
"But I'm not a Giants fan," the little hero replies.
"Sorry, since we are in New York, I just assumed you were," says the reporter.
"Little Jets Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack," he writes in his notebook.
"I'm not a Jets fan either," the boy says.
"I assumed everyone in New York was either for the Giants or Jets. What team do you root for?" the reporter asks.
"I'm a Cowboys fan," the child says.
The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little Redneck Maniac Kills Beloved Family Pet".
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 30, 2018 - 08:29am PT
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THE SCIENTIST AND THE FROG
There once was a scientist who studied frogs. One day, the scientist put the frog on the ground and told it to jump. The frog jumped four feet.
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with four feet, jumps four feet."
So the scientist cut off one of one of the frogs legs. The scientist told the frog to jump. Frog jumped three feet. So the scientist wrote in his note book, "Frog with three feet, jumps three feet."
So the scientist cut of another leg. He told the frog to jump. The frog jumped two feet. So the scientist wrote in his notebook "Frog with two feet, jumps two feet."
The scientist cut off one more leg. He told the frog to jump. Frog jumped one foot. So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with one foot, jumps one foot."
So the scientist cut off his last leg.
"He said, "Frog jump. Frog jump. FROG JUMP!"
So the scientist wrote in his notebook, "Frog with no feet, goes deaf."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Jun 30, 2018 - 09:54am PT
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A sexually active middle aged woman informed her plastic surgeon that she wanted her vaginal lips reduced in size because, over the years they have become loose and floppy. Out of embarrassment, she insisted that the surgery be kept secret and, of course, the surgeon agreed. Awakening from the anesthesia, she found three roses carefully placed beside her on the bed. Outraged, she immediately called in the surgeon. "I thought I specifically asked you not to tell anyone about my operation"!
The surgeon told her he had carried out her wish for confidentiality and that the first rose was from him. "I felt so sad for you, you went through this all by yourself."
"The second rose is from my nurse. She assisted me in the surgery and understood perfectly, as she had the same procedure done some time ago."
"And what about the third rose?" she asked.
"That's from a man in the burn unit - he wanted to thank you for his new ears”.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Jun 30, 2018 - 11:12am PT
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MIKE BIRBIGLIA: PANDA BEAR SEX
One of the reasons why panda bears are going extinct is because the male pandas like eating more than they like mating, which at first, I thought was strange. But then I thought, if I were a panda bear and I had to have sex with another panda bear, I wouldn't be that excited either. I'd be like, 'Oh great, she looks exactly like me.'
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Marlow
Sport climber
OSLO
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Jun 30, 2018 - 11:14am PT
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Here's to wit...
Lovisa Persson in her worst battle mood saying to Anderssonskan:
"You, fat cow, put your ass where your head is, then maybe you would look better"
Anderssonskan, answering superiorly:
"Ack, that’s what I did yesterday, but then someone passing me said, “but isn’t it Lovisa Persson who is out walking” "
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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THE TALENTED PARROT
At the pet shop, a man spots a parrot without any feet. The man leans in, "Hey buddy, how do you hang onto your perch without any feet?"
"I wrap my little parrot penis around this wooden bar, kind of like a hook."
"Wow," says the guy. "I can't believe you're so smart! I'm taking you home."
Weeks go by, and the parrot not only understands everything the man says, but he gives good advice. The guy is delighted.
One day the guy comes home from work and the parrot says, "Hey, I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife and the mailman."
"What happened?" asks the guy.
"Well," the parrot says, "when the mailman came to the door today, your wife greeted him in a sheer nightgown and kissed him on the mouth."
"What happened then?" asks the guy.
"Then, the mailman came into the house and lifted up your wife's nightgown," reports the parrot.
"Oh no!" the guy says. "Then what?"
"I don't know," says the parrot. "I got a hard-on and fell off my perch."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TALKING ANIMALS?
While riding one day, a cowboy met an Indian riding along with a dog and a sheep and he began a conversation. Cowboy: "Hey, nice dog you got there. Mind if I speak to him?"
Indian: "Dog no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey dog, how's it going?"
Dog: "Doin' alright."
Indian:( Look of shock )
Cowboy:"Is this Indian your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Dog: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Dog: "Real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food, and takes me to the lake once a week to play."
Indian:( Look of disbelief )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your horse?"
Indian: "Horse no talk."
Cowboy: "Hey horse, how's it going?"
Horse: "Good."
Indian:( Extreme look of shock )
Cowboy: "Is this your owner?" ( Pointing at the Indian )
Horse: "Yep."
Cowboy: "How does he treat you?"
Horse: "Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often, and keeps me in a shed to protect me."
Indian:( Complete look of utter amazement )
Cowboy: "Mind if I talk to your sheep?"
Indian: "Sheep liar."
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