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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 20, 2018 - 05:56am PT
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TIMES WHEN THE F-WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
People get really upset when you use the "F" word. So much so, that I can't even write the full word out, but have to referto it as the "F" word. However, despite what many educators, and pious people believe, there are times when the "F" word just makes sense. And that is why we are bringing you ... TIMES WHEN THE "F" WORD WAS APPROPRIATE
"What the F was that?" -- Mayor of Hiroshima
"Where did all these F'ing Indians come from?" -- General Custer"
Any F'ing idiot could understand that." -- Albert Einstein
"It does so F'ing look like her!" -- Pablo Picasso
"How the F did you work that out?" -- Pythagoras
"You want WHAT on the F'ing ceiling?" -- Michaelangelo
"I don't suppose its gonna F'ing rain?" -- Joan of Arc
"Scattered F'ing showers my ass." -- Noah
"I need this parade like I need a F'ing hole in my head." -- John F. Kennedy
"Who the F is going to know? " -- Bill Clinton
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 20, 2018 - 05:28pm PT
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An economist went to a lingerie shop to buy a bra for his wife. While he proudly announced to the salesgirl that he is an economist, he also confessed that only thing he knows about bra is 'how to unhook', and he really needed some expert help in making the purchase.
The smart salesgirl asked, "Sir, you want a capitalistic, socialistic or Democratic bra?"
Of course, our economist was intrigued and he asked, "What are they?"
Salesgirl: "Sir, capitalistic bras suppress the masses, socialistic bras uplift the downtrodden, and Democratic bras makes mountains out of molehills."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 20, 2018 - 08:56pm PT
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Jack was born with a cleft lip aka hair-lip & his family was so poor, they could never afford surgery to correct his condition. But Jack was a tough kid & grew up wanting to be “the world’s toughest hair-lip!”
At age 19, a super-aggressive & well-muscled Jack was having a big night in a bar, when another well-muscled fellow walked in. Jack decided to have some fun with the new patron, a big blond hippie, who strangely, was toting a sledge hammer.
Jack stood in front of him & lisped: “Hey hippie, what’s with the hammer? You too big a pussy to visit a sports bar without a weapon.”
The hippie tossed the hammer over Jack’s head, & swung a haymaker at Jack. While the two were trading punches, the hammer suddenly hit Jack in the back of the head, on its way back to the hippie’s hand. After Jack woke up, he looked up to see the hippie standing triumphantly over him.
With wonder in his voice, Jack lisped: “You really kicked my ass, who the hell are you?”
The hippie roared out: I’m Thor!
Jack weakly said: “Fuk man, I'm ------really thore too.”
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Denver, CO
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May 21, 2018 - 06:28am PT
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A philosophy professor was pontificating to his class about how logical negation works, and he said, "In every natural language, a double-negative is a positive. But in no natural language is a double-positive a negative."
From the back of the lecture hall was heard, "Yeah, right."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 22, 2018 - 06:21am PT
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LITTLE JOHNNY... MAKE A SENTENCE
Little Johnny's teacher asks him to make a sentence using the following words: defeat, deduct, defense and detail.
Little Johnny says, "De feet of de duck went over de fence before de tail."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 23, 2018 - 04:06pm PT
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Yeah, modification of a previous joke, but still, we are getting older...........
A 77-year-old man is having a drink in a Chicago bar. Suddenly a gorgeous girl enters and sits down a few seats away. The girl is so attractive that he just can't take his eyes off her. After a short while, the girl notices him staring, and approaches him.
Before the man has time to apologize, the girl looks him deep in the eyes and says to him in a sultry tone: "I'll do anything you'd like. Anything you can imagine in your wildest dreams, it doesn't matter how extreme or unusual it is, I'm game. I want $100, and there's another condition".
Completely stunned by the sudden turn of events, the man asks her what her condition is "You have to tell me what you want me to do in just three words.
The man takes a moment to consider the offer from the beautiful woman. He whips out his wallet and puts $100 dollars in her hand ---He then looks her square in the eyes, and says slowly and clearly: "Paint my house."
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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May 23, 2018 - 04:11pm PT
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^^^^^ HaHaHa! I thought you were going to say:
“Get me a bottle of Petrus!
(OK, so I can’t count)
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 24, 2018 - 03:39pm PT
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A 70-year-old man was requested by his Doctor for a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said,
'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 70-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day.
The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing' Then I asked my wife for help.
She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it between her knees, but still nothing ...'
The doctor was shocked ! You asked your neighbour?
The old man replied,
"Yep, none of us could get the jar open."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 25, 2018 - 09:05pm PT
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SUMMER SCHOOL FOR SLACKERS
Fail a class? Drop one too many? Don't worry about it. In order to keep money flowing into our institution we've created a summer program that any slacker could pass.
New Course Offerings for the Summer Session: THEORIES OF TIC-TAC-TOE: Should you pick X or O? The answer isn't as complicated as you might think once you've learned the theory. Learn techniques that the pros use, and play with confidence. Pre-Requisite: the movie "War Games"
THE DECLINE OF ROMAN ORGASMS: What happened to the pleasure of the Roman woman after 33 A.D.? Using archeological evidence and experiences from her own marriage, Dr. Lisa Cecil uncovers an entire era of faking it. Pre-Requisite: Bitter Relationship
DRAWING CONCLUSIONS: Using our creative instinct to doodle on things labeled "work," we'll literally draw conclusions. Pre-Requisite: Motor Skills
MUSIC TO THE EARS: Like the Sound of Music? How about the sound of doing nothing for two hours a day for credit? Pre-Requisite: FOOD TO THE STOMACH also, be on the lookout for . . .
THE ORIGINS OF BEGINNINGS -- An Introductory Course THUMBS UP, THUMBS DOWN: post-modern film criticism THE ECONOMICS OF ARCADES: finding change for a dollar THE STATISTICS OF POLLS -- A survey course.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 28, 2018 - 09:18pm PT
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CHRIS HARDWICK: PRIEST TEACHER
All boys' Catholic school is a lot like going to a regular school, except your teacher is a priest -- with benefits. No, I'm kidding. I was never touched by any priest in school. Which makes me think, 'Am I not attractive?'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 31, 2018 - 07:20am PT
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A driver is pulled over by a cop and the following conversation takes place:
Man: What's the problem officer?
Cop: You were going at least 75 in a 55 zone.
Man: No sir, I was going 65.
Wife: Oh Harry. You were going 80. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a ticket for your broken tail light.
Man: Broken tail light? I didn't know about a broken tail light!
Wife: Oh Harry, you've known about that tail light for weeks. (Man gives his wife a dirty look.)
Cop: I'm also going to give you a citation for not wearing your seat belt.
Man: Oh, I just took it off when you were walking up to the car.
Wife: Oh Harry, you never wear your seat belt.
Man: Shut your mouth, woman!
Cop: Ma'am, does your husband always talk to you this way?
Wife: No, only when he's drunk.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Pfizer and Jack Daniels have got together to produce a whiskey with Viagra in it.
That way, after a tough day, you can sit down and pour yourself a stiff one.
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i-b-goB
Social climber
Wise Acres
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Why is the Trump Russia probe taking so long?
Because the investigators are still muelling it over!
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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LITTLE JOHNNY... NAME THAT ANIMAL
Little Johnny's first grade class was playing "Name That Animal." The teacher held up a picture of a cat and asked, "What animal is this?"
"A cat!" said Suzy.
"Good job. Now, what's this animal?"
"A dog!" said Ricky.
"Good. Now what animal is this?" she asked, holding up a picture of a deer.
The class fell silent. After a couple of minutes, the teacher said, "It's what your mom calls your dad."
"I know!" called out Little Johnny. "A horny bastard!"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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B.J. NOVAK: LEARNED NOTHING IN COLLEGE
I learned nothing in college. It was really kind of my own fault. I had a double major: psychology and reverse psychology.
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pb
Sport climber
Sonora Ca
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recipe for toilet paper . . .
brown on one side
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Gene
climber
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Jun 11, 2018 - 08:18pm PT
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Justify has turned down an invitation to the White House.
When asked why, the Triple Crown Winner said "If I wanted to see a horse's ass, I would've finished second."
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