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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Paul, I just don't know what to say.
You are one incredible person.
Keep your strength up and do what needs to be done.
My prayers are with you.
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 2, 2010 - 10:58pm PT
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Paul here, still....
All these kind posts sure help both me and Ruth. We went to another crag neaar moab and climbed about 5 routes, 5.6 -hard 5.10. Ruth did her first desert crack, yummy. Swore at me the whole time, then loved it after getting to the anchors. We are climbing therapy patients lately. Get it out, work it out, climb it out.
Jim and Angela Donini invited us to Ouray, so we went. Jim is off to YO but Angela is here. We are in their guest apartment right now.
Travel day today. felt bad. Had to pull over and hurl at one point. I am a bit down.
The tumors are almost double the size as before the trip. I can barely digest now. The tumors push on my intestines and prostate. Pissing even sucks. got an apitite if I try to climb, otherwise not.
Tomorrow will bring new moments, some of pain, some of pulling down some more on new rock near town, I hope. Hot springs too. I feel sooooooo weak. All I want is time with my Love and a rock to top it off.
The tumors are also in my genitals. Can't get it up, but I can ctill get up. At least some muscles are working still. (Too much information?!)
I say these personal things to remind everyone that you can loose almost anything, including your wang, but not be impotent in the least.
Try till You Die, then one more time.
Love and redpoints to you all,
Paul
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landcruiserbob
Trad climber
Maui or Vail ; just following the sun.......
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Enjoy the wonderful SanJuan fall; the Ophir wall is waiting for you.
Be well & safe travels.........................
rg
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 2, 2010 - 11:57pm PT
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Ya know, the hang in there posts are great. But am I really that inspirational?
What sort of boring things do most folks decide to do while they die?
I am glad evryone is concerned. Just remember the point is not me and my "unique" way of handling things.
The point is that YOU TOO can live and die Your Way. So figure out what that is, LIVE your way as long as your body alows, then DIE, not with dignity, but with gusto.
Working on the LIVING part,
Paul
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murcy
climber
sanfrancisco
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Dude,
I don't know. But I am glad to be hearing from you now. Yes, it has been inspiring to hear about your climbs. And none of us knows how to die, so your trip report is on topic.
Mark
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Wen
climber
Jackson, WY
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Paul, Know that your words matter to those of us in the big bad world who have yet to experience life through your lens. You're offering us a window into the part of life we all fear. I for one appreciate your letting us look in. Are you inspirational? To me you are, because you're reminding me to live and love my life.
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Tony Bird
climber
Northridge, CA
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maybe a couple positive things to think about, paul.
not everyone gets to see their death coming. one of the memorials i went to this year was for john fischer, out for a fun day with friends, didn't know that deer was on a collision course with his motorcycle right on hwy. 395. the loss shocked those near to him, an immediate, dramatic loss.
we know we're losing you, paul, and you know it too. there's a chance here to say goodbye well. i remember the death of folksinger bob gibson, one of my favorite singers. i've made the study of song a lifelong study, and i think he had one of the best senses of song going. he wasn't an outstanding success in music, but he was pretty damn good and pretty damn influential too.
bob came down with a rather rare disease, difficult to treat, with the end fairly inevitable. he had led a good life, straightened out some bad habits, and when he knew the end was getting close he had a party, one hell of a party, and all the best of the folk music movement came to sing and to say goodbye. bob even tried singing then, but was too weak and it was a sad moment, but all much appreciated. he died a few days later.
you've got another good thing going for you buddy, believe it or not. you're not dying a shameful death or a despairing one. many people die such deaths, and those are perhaps the saddest deaths of all. think a little bit during quiet moments of all the sweep of the human race, the kinds of people out there, the good, the bad, the ugly, the beautiful. your life is sadly shortened, but you're not alone with that. i don't know you real well, but your life has obviously been decent, positive, clean, spirited. the indian's prayer is to "face eternity with straight eyes". i think you're doing that as well as i've ever seen it done. there are many who don't, who can't. you have a real advantage over them.
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico, I don't claim to be a daisy
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Paul,
I 've wanted to post on this thread since it beginning...not quite sure what to say.... I have been blown away by your words..your poems, courage, honesty and strength. ...Thank you..
Sending out prayers and Love to you and Ruth...
Saludos..
nita.
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Burt
Big Wall climber
Las Vegas, Nv
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But like my dad said once, no one learns anything by being comfortable. In fact those in comfort often seek only to maintain that bubble. Pop the bubble. Step out into the void and fall if you must. It will wake you up.
Paul nothing I can say or do changes anything. You lead by example and show tremendous courage in your fight. That is what is inspirational. You share the ups and downs, the successes and failures. While many of us will never know what you are going through, you give us a glimpse of how to "try your best" and to fight a good fight. Thank you.
Kurt "Burt" Arend
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 3, 2010 - 09:31am PT
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Some Supercrack photos I got from the Donini's.
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BrassNuts
Trad climber
Save your a_s, reach for the brass...
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Hey Paul & Ruth - It was nice meeting you at IC sushifest. I was tent camping next to you and sharing your parking spot - you may remember. My wife and I live in Boulder so should your adventures bring you here to B-town, feel free to contact us and we'd be happy to show you some fun stone or have you over for some dinner. Take care! Dave
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 5, 2010 - 07:47am PT
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Still in Ouray. We are soaking in the hot pools, great for the bones, and even climbing some more. Who knew there was so much to climb IN town? Went to the town park for no commitment sport climbing. Fun stuff, did a 5.4, 5.7, 5.8, 5.9+ and a 5.10c bam, bam, bam all in a row. Not bad!
Ruth's back has a pinched nerve now from bombing Oinion Creek near Fischer Towers on her old rigid mtn. bike. So that's why they put suspension
on those things!
The gimp patrol hobbles on. No doctor news. I think the yare waiting for me to die before they approove me for more tretment. Mean time, the bumps multiply. I have at least 20 tumors on my front and back now. Makes me a little self concience in the pools.
I was in the locker room at the hot springs and had to put on my compression hose for the lymphadema in my leg. Talk about some strange looks. A couple of kids whispered. "Look at that skinny guy. He's putting on panty hose!"
"No, gromet dude," I replied. "This is the latest in extream training tights. All the top athletes are wearing them."
"No way, do they work?"
I really had them going.
Climbing on,
Paul
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ncrockclimber
climber
NC
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I wish I had the words to express how I feel. All I can think to say is "Keep going, brother! KEEP GOING!"
Your posts and the spirit that comes through in every word you write reminds me to live every day with passion. Thank you for that gift.
Please continue to post. My thoughts are with you...
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 5, 2010 - 12:55pm PT
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God-damn! Never felt so tired after so few / easy routes. Guess I am resting today.
I never was an internet guy. Hate even checking e mail. But since this illness started, posting and reading on ST has giving me a surprising amount of joy and support.
All you guys are quite the motivational safety net for me right now. Your posts back inspire me as much as aparantly mine do for you. Who knew so many people could care about an un-met face / words on the net! I feel truly and bizarrly blessed by this wierd site.
Rock on!
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crøtch
climber
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Hey Paul,
Your attitude is an inspiration. I got a mole removed today. Thanks for the motivation to go to the dermatologist.
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Berdette Robison
climber
the present
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Paul -
Your bravery, spirit, courage and strength down this path are more than an inspiration. Your are facing your final journey with such grace and dignity. Your ability to share your thoughts with an unknown audience humbles me. You've touched many lives these past few weeks. Many warm thoughts to you and Ruth.
Berdette
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Disaster Master
Sport climber
Arcata / Santa Rosa, CA
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Topic Author's Reply - Oct 6, 2010 - 08:43pm PT
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HOPE!!!!!!!!!!!!
I got the test results back from the Doc today.
I AM A MUTANT! That's good. I tested BRAF positive, a gene mutation. Us mutants can (hopfully)get the latest PLX somthin' drug through a clinical trial. Short term positive results, tumor shrinkage occur up to 60% of the time! That's odds I like. Problems with long term effects, who knows, but HOPE my friends.
Mastering on,
Paul
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Footloose
Trad climber
Lake Tahoe
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Sending HOPE Positive your way!
Your ARE an inspiration, Paul, kick its ass!!
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Brian
climber
California
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Paul,
That's great news. For some reason I thought you mentioned that you were BRAF negative, which would be a bummer. I follow the melanoma news pretty closely, as I had a few very serious burns when I was younger, and the new BRAF treatments are the brightest news I've ever heard about melanoma treatment other than the fact that you can often detect early because your skin (unlike, say, your liver) is visible for checkups.
I really, really hope you get on the BRAF trials. The early results seem very encouraging.
I, like lots of other folks here, am inspired by your way of dealing with the hand you've been dealt. Way to keep after it and keep living.
Brian
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