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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months.
Nurses were in her room giving her a bed bath. One of them was washing her private area and noticed that there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite movement.
They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral sex' will do the trick & bring her out of the coma.'
The husband was skeptical, but they assured him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally agreed and went into his wife's room.
After a few minutes the woman's monitor flat lined, no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses run back into the room. 'What happened!?' they cried.
The husband said, 'I'm not sure; maybe she choked.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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ARJ BARKER: FREAKY SIGN
I was actually in my car today, and I was just driving, and I noticed a guy on the sidewalk holding a cardboard sign that said, 'Where will you spend eternity?'. And that kind of freaked me out because I was on my way to the DMV.
DANE COOK: IN THE YEAR 3000
In the year 3000, everything will be instant... but the DMV will still take, like, nine f**king seconds.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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NO BACKSEAT BLONDE
A blonde goes on a hot date and ends up making out with the guy in his car. The guy asks if she would like to go in the backseat.
"No!" yells the blonde.
Things get even hotter, and the guy asks again.
"For the last time, no!" says the blonde. Frustrated, the guy asks, "Well, why the hell not?"
The blonde says, "Because I wanna stay up here with you!"
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frank wyman
Mountain climber
montana
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My wife and I are trying to teach our dog to dance,He is not that good, He has two left feet...
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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MYQ KAPLAN: FIGHT IGNORANCE
I do try to fight ignorance and stereotypes and racism with karate -- like the Asians do.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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What's the differnce between Sarah Palins mouth and her pu ssy?
Only one retarded thing ever came out of her pu ssy.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the fortune teller delivered grave news, "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the young woman stared back at the old woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her shaking hands. She took a few deep breaths to compose herself. Her mind raced. A question forced its way out... she simply had to know.. She met the fortune teller's gaze, tried to steady her voice and asked, "Will I be acquitted?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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TALIBAN SNIPPET
How come the Taliban are not circumcised?
It gives them a place to put their bubblegum during a sandstorm.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Two men break into a distillery. One turns round to the other and says "Is this whiskey?"
The other one says "Yes, but not as wisky as wobbing a bank"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Me great-uncle Paddy worked at Jameson's. One day he fell into one of the large vats.
He bravely fought off all attempts to pull him out.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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If you ever feel powerless , just remember that a single one of your pubic hairs can shut down an entire restaurant.
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EdwardT
Trad climber
Retired
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May 10, 2018 - 05:31am PT
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If you encounter a bear in the woods, stay very still and try to look like kale.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 10, 2018 - 07:11am PT
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It is very important to hike grizzly country with folks who run slower than you.
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hamie
Social climber
Thekoots
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May 10, 2018 - 02:14pm PT
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What are the three biggest lies in the world?
1. The cheque is in the mail.
2. I love you.
3. I promise that I won't come in your mouth.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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May 11, 2018 - 06:05am PT
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JULIAN MCCULLOUGH: BRAIN CAN'T DREAM
Did you know that if you go to bed wasted, your brain can't dream? It's like a medical thing. I have my own theory and that's that your brain is like, 'Dude, I'm not going to entertain you after what you just did to me for the last six hours. Oh, you want feel what it's like to fly? Go f**k yourself. I'll be up all night with your liver, figuring out how we're going to make it to 50.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 11, 2018 - 06:23pm PT
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The vet comes out to the waiting room. "Herr Schroedinger, about your cat." "I have some good news and I have some bad news..."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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May 11, 2018 - 06:29pm PT
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Werner Heisenberg gets pulled over by a traffic cop.
Cop: Excuse me Sir, do you know how fast you were going?
WH: No officer, but I know exactly where I was!
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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May 11, 2018 - 07:25pm PT
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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May 11, 2018 - 08:08pm PT
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a pizza can get to your house faster than an ambulance.
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