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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Well nature, we're trying our best!
_
The room was full of pregnant women with their husbands.
The instructor said, "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier."
"Just pace yourself, make plenty of stops and try to stay on a soft surface like grass or a path."
"Gentlemen, remember -- you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her. In fact, that shared experience would be good for you both."
The room suddenly became very quiet as the men absorbed this information. After a few moments a man at the back of the room, slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?" said the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right, if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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What has 60 legs and no pubic hair ?
The front row at a Bieber concert.....
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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If you lock your dog and your missus
together in the trunk of your car for
3 hours straight, guess which one's
going to be really happy to see you
when you open it?
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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^^^^^
I just got that one.
Why did the Romans never use motor oil to grease the wheels on their chariots?
...they obviously preferred martyr oil.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Not to pick on blondes, but....
Blonde: "What does IDK stand for?"
Brunette: "I don't know."
Blonde: "OMG, nobody does!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Continuing the 'Blond' theme........
A blonde, out of money, and down on her luck after buying air at a real bargain, needed money desperately. To raise cash, she decided to kidnap a child and hold him for ransom. She went to the local playground, grabbed a kid randomly, took her behind a building, and told her, "I've kidnapped you." She then wrote a big note saying, "I've kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and leave it under the apple tree next to the slides, on the south side of the playground. Signed, A blonde." The blonde then pinned the note to the kid's shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents. The next morning, the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the apple tree. The blonde looked in the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, "How could you do this to a fellow blonde?"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Well, not a dumb blond joke, but still there is a blonde......
A virile, middle-aged Italian gentlemen named Guido was relaxing at his favourite bar in Rome when he managed to attract a spectacular young blonde woman.
Things progressed to the point where he led her back to his apartment and, after some small talk, they retired to his bedroom where he rattled her senseless.
After a pleasant interlude, he asked with a smile, "So, you finish?"
She paused for a second, frowned, and replied, "No."
Surprised, Guido reached for her and the rattling resumed. This time she thrashed about wildly and there were screams of passion. The sex finally ended and, again, Guido smiled and asked, "You finish?"
Again, after a short pause, she returned his smile, cuddled closer to him and softly said, "No."
Stunned, but damned if he was going to leave this woman unsatisfied, Guido reached for the woman yet again. Using the last of his strength, he barely managed it, but they ended together screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping the bed sheets.
Exhausted, Guido fell onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looked into her eyes, smiled proudly and asked again, "You finish?"
Barely able to speak, the beautiful blonde whispered in his ear,
"No, I Norwegian."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Guess I'm on a blond run....
__
A blonde was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the sales counter, to ask what it was.
The salesman said, "Why, that's a Thermos! - It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
"Wow!", said the blonde, "That's just amazing! I'm going to buy it!"
So she bought the Thermos and took it to work the very next day.
Her boss saw it on her desk. "What's that?", he asked.
"Why, that's a Thermos! - It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold", she replied.
Her boss inquired, "So, what do you have in it?"
"Two popsicles and a cup of coffee!", said the blonde.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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My last.
_
A blonde goes into work one morning crying her eyes out.
Her boss asked sympathetically, "What's the matter?"
The blonde replies, "Early this morning I got a phone call saying that my mother had passed away."
The boss, feeling sorry for her, says, "Oh, I'm sorry to hear that. Why don't you go home for the day? Take the day off to compose yourself."
"Thanks, but I'd be better off here. I need to keep my mind off it, and I have the best chance of doing that here."
The boss agrees and allows the blonde to keep on working as usual.
A couple of hours pass and the boss decides to check on the blonde.
He pops into her office and finds the blonde crying hysterically.
"What's so bad now? Are you gonna be okay?" he asks.
"No!' exclaims the blonde. I just received a another horrible phone call! - from my sister. Her mother died, too!!"
I'm outta here.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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A brunette was shopping at Walmart and came across a shiny silver Thermos.
She was quite fascinated by it, so she picked it up and took it to the sales counter, to ask what it was.
The salesman said, "Why, that's a Thermos! - It keeps hot things hot, and cold things cold."
The brunette thought about that statement for a little while, then asked:
"How does it know?"
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Last night I got into a cab. The cabbie asked me if I had any naked pictures of my wife. I said, "No!" He said, "You want to buy some?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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WANDA SYKES: ARE THEY SUPPOSED TO BE THAT BIG?
One night, we watchin' some porno, I just thought I'd joke around a little bit. So, I was like, 'Wow! Will you look at that? I have never seen a penis that big before in my life. Woo! He is huge. Hey, are they supposed to be that big?' And he was like, 'Uh, uh -- don't pay that any mind. They just do that with lights and stuff, that's all.' I was like, 'Well, shoot, we need to get some lights up in here.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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BLONDE PAINTS A PORCH
A blonde canvassed a wealthy neighborhood looking for odd jobs. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had anything for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
She replied, "How about $50?"
The man agreed and told her the paint was in the garage. A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked.
"Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats." Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50.
"And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porsche; it's a Ferrari."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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RENE HICKS: AMISH IRONY
Now that's an extreme religion: Amish. Oh my God, it's against their religion -- it's a sin for them -- to ride in a car. Then I heard an Amish guy got hit and killed by a car. Isn't that ironic? That would be like a Jewish person being electrocuted by some Christmas lights or a Catholic choking on a condom -- just ironic.
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Roadie
Trad climber
moab UT
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So I was walking along the river the other day and I saw this blonde girl across the river, she looked pretty good so I yelled, "Hey, how do I get to the other side?"
She looked around, she looked at me and yelled back, You're on the other side."
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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Dating for me is really rough. I dated this girl who was so fat that whenever she put on high heels she struck oil!
She was so fat that when I met her at the Macy's parade she had ropes tied to her!
She was so fat that the day I took her to the beach people asked, "What did you use for bait?!"
She was so fat that she was standing on the street corner and the cops told her to break it up!
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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What is the Amish word for a guy with his arm up a horse's ass?
Mechanic.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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John was in a bar looking very dejected.
His friend, Steve, walked over and asked, "What's wrong?"
"It's my mother-in-law," John replied, while shaking his head sadly, "I have a real problem with her."
"Cheer up," Steve said, "Everyone has problems with their mother-in-law."
"Yeah," John answered, "But not everybody gets theirs pregnant."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine
restaurant.
They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The
waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly
noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair and under the table -
but the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and
out of sight under the table. Still, the man stared straight ahead.
The waitress, thinking this behavior a bit risqué and worried that it
might offend other diners, went over to the table and tactfully began
by saying to the man "Pardon me, Sir, but I think your wife just slid
under the table.
The man calmly looked up at her and said, "No, she didn't. She just
walked in."
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