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clifff
Mountain climber
golden, rollin hills of California
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Apr 22, 2018 - 10:03am PT
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The Ig Nobel Prize
Ig Nobel Prize Winner Dr. Elena Bodnar demonstrates her invention (a brassiere that can quickly convert into a pair of protective face masks) assisted by Nobel laureates Wolfgang Ketterle (left), Orhan Pamuk, and Paul Krugman (right). Photo credit: Alexey Eliseev, 2009 Ig Nobel Ceremony
https://www.improbable.com/ig/winners/
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Apr 22, 2018 - 01:30pm PT
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A little boy writes to Santa
Dear Santa I would really like you to send me a little brother or sister for Christmas next year but my mother says I have to ask you. Santa replies, OK send me your mother.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Apr 23, 2018 - 04:14pm PT
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I'm not making this up. Really. Sarah Palin actually said this.
MALAYSIA FLIGHT THEORY by Sarah Palin
“I see all these smarty pants people on CNN saying that it was terrorism or a fire in the cockpit,” she explained to a bewildered Hannity, “but I don’t hear anyone talking about the God possibility. I mean what if they accidentally flew too high and got stuck in heaven?
“I’m no expert on international aviation. But I do know that God is up there looking down on us. And everyone knows that once you go to heaven you can’t come back. This would explain why we haven’t found any wreckage in the ocean and why no one saw the plane land."
“Sean, I think it’s incredibly arrogant for us as humble human beings to claim that we know how heaven works,” Palin responded. “How do you know there’s not a door to heaven in the sky between Malaysia and Vietnam?” —Sarah Palin
How do we not know indeed?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 23, 2018 - 08:42pm PT
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MITCH HEDBERG: BUYING DOUGHNUTS
I bought a doughnut, and they gave me a receipt for the doughnut. I don't need a receipt for a doughnut. I'll just give you the money, you give me the doughnut -- end of transaction. We don't need to bring ink and paper into this.
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Apr 23, 2018 - 08:45pm PT
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Wino, I thought this was a joke thread? That ain’t funny, it’s sad, if it ain’t fake.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 26, 2018 - 07:41am PT
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VINCE MORRIS: DON'T DIE DOING SOMETHING YOU LOVE
You ever hear people saying things like that? 'He died, but he died doing something he loved.' Like that's the best time to die, when you're doing something you love? No, you want to die when you're doing something you hate. I mean, if you're going to take me, take me in the middle of an audit.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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Apr 26, 2018 - 07:56am PT
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Every dead body on Everest was once a very motivated person.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Apr 28, 2018 - 04:09am PT
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SHREWD INVESTMENT
A woman walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000. The bank officer tells her that the bank will need some kind of security for such a loan, so the woman hands over the keys to a new Rolls Royce that's parked on the street in front of the bank.
Everything checks out, and the bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan. An employee drives the Rolls Royce into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the woman returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41. The loan officer approaches her and says:
"We are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we're a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked out your accounts and found that you were a multimillionaire. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
"Well, where else in Manhattan can I park my car for two weeks for fifteen bucks?"
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Kauait
Big Wall climber
salt lake city
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Apr 28, 2018 - 05:47am PT
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What do you get when you eat Beans and peanut butter?
A fart that sticks to the roof of your ass.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.
The first one tells the bartender he wants a beer.
The second one says he wants half a beer. The third one says he wants a fourth of a beer.
The bartender puts two beers on the bar and says
“You guys need to learn your limits.”
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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^^^^^ That’s more like it! 😜
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Michelle Wolf:
“There’s also, of course, Ivanka. She was supposed to be an advocate for women, but it turns out she’s about as helpful to women as an empty box of tampons. She’s done nothing to satisfy women. So, I guess like father, like daughter.”
On being 32 years old:
“Ten years too young to host this event and 20 years too old for Roy Moore.”
On Trump missing the dinner:
“Of course, Trump isn’t here, if you haven’t noticed. He’s not here. And I know, I know, I would drag him here myself, but it turns out the president of the United States is the one pussy you’re not allowed to grab.”
On the vice president:
“Mike Pence is what happens when Anderson Cooper isn’t gay.”
On Mitch McConnell:
“Mitch McConnell isn’t here tonight. He had a prior engagement. He’s finally getting his neck circumcised. Mazel.”
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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I went to a bar to get a drink. I asked the bartender to surprise me. He showed me a naked picture of my wife!
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Timbers of Fennario
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^^^ Dangerfield!
My wife is a terrible cook. She made chocolate mousse, I got an antler stuck in my throat.
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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I can't win for losen'. I went to the bar last night to pick up a chick. She gave me her address and said "Come on over, there's nobody home". So I went over. There was nobody home!
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear."
"Of course, John" his wife said softly.
"Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob."
"But I thought you hated Bob," she said..
With his last breath John said, "I do!"
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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My wife told me she was going to cut back our sex to a couple of times a month. It could have been worse. A couple of guys I know she cut out all together.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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An elderly man lay dying in his bed. While suffering agonies on his way to his final moment, he suddenly smells the aroma of his favorite scones wafting up the stairs.
He gathered his remaining strength, and lifted himself from the bed.
Leaning on the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, gripping the wall; he slowly makes it to the kitchen.
There, piled on a tray are his favorite scones.
Was it heaven? Or was it one final act of love from his devoted Scottish wife of sixty years, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?
Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself towards the table, landing on his knees in rumpled posture.
His aged and withered hand trembled towards a scone at the edge of the
table, when suddenly his wife smacked it with a wooden spoon.
"F**k off!!!" she said, "they're for the funeral."
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clode
Trad climber
portland, or
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My wife and I always smoke a cigarette after sex. I'm still on the same pack I had two years ago! But what really bothers me is my wife is up to three packs a day!
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nature
climber
Boulder, CO
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Topic Author's Reply - May 1, 2018 - 03:11pm PT
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when this sucker hits 1K what's my prize? There's tons of quality jokes in here.
^^^ that one is hillarious
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