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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:17pm PT
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Two old dears in the back row of a cinema.
"Ethel"
"Yes Clara"?
"The young man next to me is masturbating".
"Ignore him Clara".
"I can't, he's using my hand".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
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A Texan walks in to a pub in Ireland and clears his voice to the crowd of drinkers. He says, I hear you Irish are a bunch of hard drinkers. I'll give $500 American dollars to anybody in here who can drink 10 pints of Guinness back-to-back.
The room is quiet, and no one takes up the Texans offer. One man even leaves.
Thirty minutes later the same gentleman who left shows back up and taps the Texan on the shoulder. Is your bet still good? asks the Irishman.
The Texan says yes and asks the bartender to line up 10 pints of Guinness. Immediately the Irishman tears into all 10 of the pint glasses, drinking them all back-to-back.
The other pub patrons cheer as the Texan sits in amazement. The Texan gives the Irishman the $500 and says, If ya dont mind me askin, where did you go for that 30 minutes you were gone?
The Irishman replies, Oh I had to go to the pub down the street to see if I could do it first.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:29pm PT
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A woman and a man are involved in a car accident on a snowy, cold Monday morning; it's a bad one.
Both of their cars are totally demolished, but amazingly neither of them is hurt. God works in mysterious ways.
After they crawl out of their cars, the man is yelling about women drivers.
The woman says, 'So, you're a man. That's interesting. I'm a woman. Wow, just look at our cars!
There's nothing left, but we're unhurt.
This must be a sign from God that we should be friends and live in peace for the rest of our days.'
Flattered, the man replies, 'Oh yes, I agree completely, this must be a
sign from God! But you're still at fault...women shouldn't be allowed to drive.'
The woman continues, 'And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is
completely demolished but this bottle of wine didn't break. Surely God
wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune. She hands the bottle to the man.
The man nods his head in agreement, opens it and drinks half the bottle
and then hands it back to the woman.
The woman takes the bottle, puts the cap back on and hands it back to the man.
The man asks, 'Aren't you having any?'
The woman replies, 'No. I think I'll just wait for the police...'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:38pm PT
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Aussi chat up :
"Fancy a f*** Sheila"
"Not really Bruce, but seeing as you've talked me into it you silver tongued bastard ....."
___
Aussie foreplay: "Brace yourself Sheila!".
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 06:50pm PT
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An Aussie ventriloquist is holidaying in New Zealand.
While driving past a farm on the South Island he sees a farmer on horseback rounding up sheep. Stopping to say hello he soon realizes the farmer has no time for Aussies and decides to have a bit of fun.
Aussie ventriloquist: “Sir, you seem to run a good farm here, can I speak to your animals?”
NZ farmer: “They’re animals you dumb Aussie, they can’t talk, but go ahead anyway”
Aussie : “ Hey horse! What’s it like working here?”
The Aussie then throws his voice to the horse and says....
Horse: “Yeah it’s not bad here, I get to run around the paddock, get good rub down, foods good and the barns warm at night”
The NZ farmer is completely stunned, he can’t believe his ears (and eyes)
Aussie to farmer: “Mate can I speak to your dog?”
Farmer: “Don’t think the dog can talk but go ahead anyway”
Aussie: “ Hey dog! What’s it like working here?”
Dog: “Yeah it’s not bad here, get to chase sheep all day, the foods good and the doghouse is warm at night”
Once again the farmer is amazed.
Aussie to farmer: “Mate can I speak to one of your sheep?”
Farmer: “The sheep are all damn liars, now bugger off.....”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 07:05pm PT
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What is the difference between a lawyer and a rooster?
When a rooster wakes up in the morning, its primal urge is to cluck defiance
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Mar 21, 2018 - 08:03pm PT
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Q: What do you call a kickboxer with no arms or legs?
A: Anything you want
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Trevbo
Trad climber
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Mar 21, 2018 - 09:08pm PT
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How come there’s no trees in Afghanistan?
Cuz Osama been loggin’
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Mar 21, 2018 - 09:32pm PT
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Did you know Helen Keller had a doll house?
Neither did she.
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Ricky D
Trad climber
Sierra Westside
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Mar 21, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
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What did Helen Keller say when she skied off the cliff?
Nothing, she was wearing mittens.
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Mar 21, 2018 - 11:24pm PT
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Patrick Fitzgerald and Gerald Fitzpatrick.
Seems legit.
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hamie
Social climber
Thekoots
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Mar 22, 2018 - 12:43am PT
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Why do Aussie males have girlfriends?
They're too lazy to masturbate.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 22, 2018 - 05:49am PT
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BILL GATES AND GENERAL MOTORS
Bill Gates is hanging out with the chairman of General Motors.
"If automotive technology had kept pace with computer technology over the past few decades," boasts Gates, "you would now be driving a V-32 instead of a V-8, and it would have a top speed of 10,000 miles per hour. Or, you could have an economy car that weighs 30 pounds and gets a thousand miles to a gallon of gas. In either case, the sticker price of a new car would be less than $50."
"Sure," says the GM chairman. "But would you really want to drive a car that crashes four times a day?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 22, 2018 - 06:01am PT
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JAN KAREM: PRE-HISTORIC DATES
In prehistoric days, they had no time-telling devices. How did you get it together for a date? You don't know when to be somewhere. You show up at your friend's cave; he's all upset. 'Where were you? You were supposed to be here before.' 'I didn't say I'd be here before. I said I'd be here later. It's barely now. I'm early.'
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 22, 2018 - 06:04am PT
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THE PRESIDENT'S DOG
Why did President Clinton name his dog Buddy instead of Spot?
Because he didn't want people running around the White House saying, ''come Spot, come Spot!''
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 23, 2018 - 06:20am PT
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THE BUSINESSMAN'S MEDICAL PROBLEM
A businessman returns from the far east. After a few days he notices stange growth on his penis. He sees several doctors. They all say: “You've been screwing around in the Far East, very common there, no cure. We'll have to cut it off.” The man panics, but figures if it is common in the East they must know how to cure it. So he goes back and sees a doctor in Pakistan.
The doctor examines him and says, "You've been fooling around in my country. This is a very common problem here. Did you see any other doctors?”
The man replies, “Yes a few in the USA.”
The doctor says, "I bet they told you it had to be cut off."
The man answers, "Yes!"
The doctor smiles, nods, "That is not correct. It will fall off by itself."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 24, 2018 - 10:27am PT
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JOHN MULANEY: WOMEN FRIENDS
I think that women can be friends with each other, but I think it can be tricky sometimes when you try and force women to hang out with each other. You could never put together a heist of women. Like 'Ocean's 11' with women wouldn't work 'cause two would keep breaking off to talk sh*t about the other nine.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 24, 2018 - 10:29am PT
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A CRAZY PERSON IN THE WOODS
Q: How does a crazy person travel through the woods?
A: They take the psychopath.
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JC Marin
Trad climber
CA
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Mar 24, 2018 - 10:32am PT
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DR: I've good news and bad news...
Patient: OK--what's the good news?
DR: You only 24 hours to live
Patient: Oh my God...what's the bad news?
DR: I forgot to tell you yesterday
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Mar 24, 2018 - 12:30pm PT
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DISNEY WORLD & VIAGRA
Q: What do Disney World and Viagra have in common?
A: They both make you wait an hour for a two-minute ride.
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