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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 23, 2018 - 06:09am PT
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LAWYER JOKE
A man went to his lawyer and told him, "My neighbor owes me $500 and he won’t pay up. What should I do?"
"Do you have any proof he owes you the money?" asked the lawyer.
"Nope," replied the man.
"OK, then write him a letter asking him for the $5,000 he owed you," said the lawyer.
"But it's only $500," replied the man.
"Precisely. That’s what he will reply and then you’ll have your proof!"
BOOBS JOKE
A man saw a lady with big breasts.
He asked, "Excuse me, can I bite your breasts for $1000?"
She agreed, so they went to a secluded corner where she opened her blouse and the man put his face in her breasts for 10 minutes.
Eventually the lady asks, "Aren't you gonna bite them?"
He replies, "No, it's too expensive."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 23, 2018 - 11:08am PT
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WHERE BABIES COME FROM
A little girl came home from school and told her mother that she just found out where babies come from. Her mother said, "Oh really? What were you told?"
The little girl said, "First, Daddy's penis gets hard, and then, he puts it in Mommy's mouth... ."
Her mother interrupted her and said, "Oh no, honey, that's where jewelry comes from."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 23, 2018 - 11:19am PT
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And you ask why the young heir bought his wife a solid-gold diaphram for birth control?
He enjoyed "coming into money!"
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Feb 26, 2018 - 03:31pm PT
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How do you get a nun pregnant?
Dress her up as an alter boy.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 27, 2018 - 05:35am PT
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FROG'S DREAM GIRL
A frog goes to a fortune teller and asks if he is going meet a young girl.
The psychic tells him, "Yes, you are."
The frog replies, "Where? In a bar or at a party?"
The psychic says, "In biology class."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 27, 2018 - 05:37am PT
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Q: What's round and snarling?
A: A vicious circle.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 27, 2018 - 07:57pm PT
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Having just spent some time in southern AZ & NM, I was fascinated by the history of the conflicts between the Apache & whites in the 19th century. I bought a book on the history of the conflicts & the Apache, that was recently written by an author, David Roberts, who has written two books on Anasazi culture & history.
Tonight, a childhood joke & Apache history came together on page 46.
"Apaches did not routinely name their babies at birth. Often two or three months passed before something in the child's behavior, or a significant event, suggested a name; even then it was provisional, and might be changed as late as the child's tenth year."
I then remembered!
A young Apache boy asks his mother about how he came to have a somewhat unusual name?
She replies: "Well, Two Dogs F*#king, it seemed like a significant name, at the time."
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 28, 2018 - 05:42am PT
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Nice Fritz. I will pass that on to the Apache in-laws. One Dog Leg Humping, might do for a certain individual. :)
ANDI SMITH: CAMPGROUND
I don't know if you guys have ever been to a campground or not, but it's pretty much a bunch of people who don't live in a trailer park, yet like to vacation there.
MIKE SWEENEY: CANNIBALISM AFTER A CRASH
If you eat someone else in your airplane, do you get all their frequent flyer miles?
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 28, 2018 - 07:21am PT
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I'll keep this brief.
What do clouds wear under their pants?
Thunderwear.
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 28, 2018 - 04:30pm PT
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Shannon meets with her lover Danny, who is also her husband’s best friend.
They make love for hours. After forbidden love, as they lie in bed, the phone rings. Since it’s the Shannon’s house, she picks up the receiver. The best friend listens, only hearing her side of the conversation:
“Hello? Oh, hi… I’m so glad that you called… Really? That’s cool… Well, I’m happy to hear you’re having such a great time… Oh, that sounds amazing… Love you, too. OK. Bye-bye.”
Shannon hangs up the telephone and Danny asks, “Who was that?”
“Oh,” she replies, “That was my husband telling me about the wonderful time he’s having on his fishing trip with you.”
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StahlBro
Trad climber
San Diego, CA
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Feb 28, 2018 - 05:02pm PT
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Big Moe walks up to the door of a brothel and says "Big Moe wants to get f*cked".
The voice on the other side of the door says "Slide $50 under the door".
Big Moe complies.
Nothing happens.
Big Moe says "Hey, Big Moe wants to get f*cked!!!".
The voice on the other side of he door says "What, again?"
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Feb 28, 2018 - 05:28pm PT
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How does a lawyer sleep at night?
First he lies on one side, then he lies on the other.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 28, 2018 - 08:35pm PT
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Donald Trump is walking out of the White House and heading toward his limo when an assassin steps forward and aims a gun.
A secret service agent, new on the job, shouts, “Mickey Mouse!”
This startles the would-be assassin, and he is captured.
Later, the secret service agent’s supervisor takes him aside and asks,
“What in the hell made you shout Mickey Mouse?”
Blushing, the agent replies, “I got nervous. I meant to shout, “Donald duck!”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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D.C. BENNY: RECENT TRIP TO JAMAICA
My most recent trip was to Jamaica. That was cool. I had a good time. I got stopped at customs, though. The lady was like, 'Are you bringing any drugs into Jamaica?' I was like, 'Drugs into Jamaica? That's like bringing Slim-Fast to Ethiopia.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Two nuns are driving through the forest in Transylvania in the fading light. Suddenly there is a SPLAT, and a huge hellish bat is stuck to the windscreen, blocking the view forwards. It has red eyes and pointed fangs.
They both scream and the driver slams on the brakes, frantically turning on the wipers and pumping the squirters. The bat very slowly works its way across towards the driver's window. "Nothing's working! Do something, anything!" shouts the driver. "Show it your Cross!"
Her companion rolls down the window, leans out, takes a deep breath and shouts, "Get the f&%ck off the bloody windscreen!!!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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A screwdriver walks into a bar.
Barman says, "Hey, we've got a drink named after you"
Screwdriver says, "You've got a drink named Philip?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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What's the last thing that goes through a bug's mind after hitting a car windshield at 80 MPH?
His arsehole.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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The Pope dies & of course goes to Heaven, but winds up dwelling in a small apartment with plain furnishings.
After a few weeks in Heaven, he runs into a Irish-American lawyer he had met during his time as a parish priest in the U.S. The lawyer invites him home for a drink & the Pope is outraged to discover this common man lives in a heavenly mansion full of beautiful women & fine liquors.
The next day the Pope seeks out St. Peter & complains bitterly about how a common lawyer is being treated much better than the Pope in Heaven.
St. Peter reaches out a big arm & kindly pats the Pope on the back. "My dear Pope," he says, "Please understand that we have dozens of Popes here in Heaven, but only one Irish-American lawyer.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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A man walks into a bar with his alligator and asks: "Do you serve lawyers here?"
The bartender says: "Yes, of course we do!"
The man says: "OK, I'll have a beer for myself and a lawyer for my alligator."
The past, the present, and the future walked into a bar.
It was tense...
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