Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:07am PT
|
DIVORCE & CIRCUMCISION
Q: What's the difference between a divorce and a circumcision?
A: In a divorce, you get rid of the whole schmuck.
DEFINITION OF DIPLOMACY
Q: What is the definition of diplomacy?
A: The ability to tell a person to go to hell in such a way that they look forward to the trip.
BILL CLINTON'S DNA
Dear Mr. Starr:
The test on the dress came back inconclusive. Everyone in Arkansas has the same DNA.
Apologies,
The FBI
THE JEWISH VOTE
I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
|
|
Gnome Ofthe Diabase
climber
Out Of Bed
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:41am PT
|
I'm still for hire, Cheap 'n wyde(Eye'd)
Oops . . .
I thought you were looking for short Johns
didn't have my glasses on
carry on
just don't shjt the mouse,
`
Oh -
& ya got that right Clinker;
`
O-b-lame-me? hah,it is all the bushes fault!
I asked a Jew who he was going to vote for as president.
He said, "Well, the last time Jews listened to a bush, they wandered in the desert for 40 years."
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 11:35am PT
|
How do you keep Canadian Bacon from curling in the frying pan?
You take their little brooms away. [badda-boom!]
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 05:02pm PT
|
A woman was sipping her glass of wine while sitting on the patio with her husband.
She says “I love you so much, you make my life so much better. I don’t know how I could ever live without you.”
Her husband smiles, touched by what he hears. He thinks “How sweet”.
He looks at her and asks, “Is that you talking or is it the wine talking?
She doesn’t look up but says, “It’s me … talking to the wine.”
|
|
Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 06:28pm PT
|
Paddy, who was on holiday from Ireland at Bondi Beach in Oz couldn't seem to make it with any of the girls. So he asked the local lifeguard for some advice.
Mate, it's obvious,' says the lifeguard, 'you're wearing them old baggy swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're years outta style. You're best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin' ya mate you'll have all the babes ya want!'
The following weekend, Paddy hits the beach with his spanking new tight Speedo and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as he walked by, covering their faces, turning away and laughing, looking sick! So Paddy went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, 'What's wrong now?' JAHEESUS!' said the lifeguard, 'Maaaaate. The potato goes in the front!'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
God was just about done creating humans, but he had two parts left over. He couldn't decide how to split them between Adam and Eve so He thought He might just as well ask them. He told them one of the things He had left was a thing that would allow the owner to pee while standing up.
"It's a very handy thing," God told them,"and I was wondering if either one of you had a preference for it."
Well, Adam jumped up and down and begged, "Oh please give that to me! I'd love to be able to do that! It seems like just the sort of thing a man should have. Please! Pleeease! Give it to me!" On and on he went like an excited little boy.
Eve just smiled and told God that if Adam really wanted it so badly, he could have it. So God gave Adam the thing that allowed him to pee standing up.
Adam was so excited he just started whizzing all over the place - first on the side of a rock, then he wrote his name in the sand, and then he tried to see if he could hit a stump ten feet away - laughing with delight all the while.
God and Eve watched him with amusement and then God said to Eve, "Well, I guess you're kind of stuck with the last thing I have left."
"What's it called?" asked Eve.
"Brains," said God.
|
|
Charlie D.
Trad climber
Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 07:12pm PT
|
Why does Trump have long orange comb-over hair?
To hide his circumsission.
|
|
Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
|
|
|
Feb 16, 2018 - 09:18pm PT
|
I fear for thou, Charlie D, thou hast incurred a most propitious post number,
or perhaps thou walketh a path immune to such mundane concerns.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 17, 2018 - 05:43am PT
|
BLONDE LOVE-HANDLES
A blonde finds a lamp with a genie inside. He says, "I will grant you three wishes."
The blonde says, "For my first wish, I want my love handles to disappear."
The genie replies, "Your wish is my command."
The blonde exclaims, "Holy s**t! What did you do with my ears?"
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 17, 2018 - 05:44am PT
|
MEN & LAVA LAMPS
Q: How are men like lava lamps?
A: They're fun to look at, but they're not that bright.
PS; The back story on this joke catching my eye.
Two ladies, before me in line at Home Depot earlier this week, were buying a lave lamp. I was surprise Home Depot was selling them. The checkout gal was saying how cool lava lamps are, the discussion carried on for a minute after the transaction was finished despite the three
of us guys waiting in line.
From Home Depots site: Product Overview
The Original Lava Lamp! Its everchanging patterns are hypnotizing, yet invigorating. It is an art form. Classic and at the same time progressive. It is pre-historic and post-modern. Lava is the core of Lava Lite. Our Lava Lamps range from small to gigantic; from subtle to overwhelming. Each lava lamp is filled with our hypnotizing mesmerizing lava blobatude (goo for those less technical). Simply stated if you need lava we have got one for every nook and cranny in your pad. You must wait 4 hours after initial plug in of your Lava Lamp for it work properly. Perfect for relaxing, decorating, or light up a party.
Watch the different-sized formations of the melted wax collide, flow, and split apart as they ooze their way up and down the glass globe
Provides relaxing, soft light
:)
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 17, 2018 - 06:30am PT
|
MICROSOFTIE
Q: What did Bill Gates' wife say to him on their wedding night?
A: "Now I know why you named your company Microsoft!"
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 17, 2018 - 06:33am PT
|
MIKE DESTEFANO: FUNDAMENTALIST CHRISTIAN
Here's how a fundamentalist Christian tells you to go screw yourself. You ready? 'I'll pray for you.' That means 'F**k you,' in Christian.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 17, 2018 - 07:22am PT
|
DEMETRI MARTIN: EMPLOYEE OF THE MONTH
I think Employee of the Month is a good example of when a person can be a winner and a loser at the same time.
JOHN OLIVER: GASTRONOMIC EVOLUTION
You're probably aware that Britain stopped evolving gastronomically around the year 1242.
JAMES PATTERSON: ASTROLOGY
That's just what we need because humans haven't made up enough reasons to hate one another. Along with race, nationality, gender, sexual preference, religious or cultural differences -- now, if you're born in June, you're a prick.
MIKE BIRBIGLIA: ILLITERATE PEOPLE
I shouldn't say bad stuff about illiterate people, though. I should write it.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 21, 2018 - 06:49am PT
|
KAREN ADDISON: WELFARE CASINO
They've opened up a new casino for people on welfare. When you put a food stamp in the slot machine and it lands on three babies, you win a block of cheese!
FRED STOLLER: USELESS FRIENDS
My friends -- they're useless. If I have a problem, they don't listen. They give me some stupid cliche expression. Like, I had a bad day. My friend goes, 'Tomorrow is another day.' Oh, thanks. I didn't know that. I was so scared. I see the stores closing, the sun going down -- I thought that was it. You mean there's more?
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 21, 2018 - 06:51am PT
|
DANIEL TOSH: TASTES LIKE ETHNICITY
If you had to eat another human being to survive, do you think they taste like their ethnic background? Mexicans are spicy? Do you have to have chips and salsa before you bite into one? Chinese people: are you hungry 30 minutes later for more? Let's go everybody -- black people: taste like chicken... I did that joke one night and, of course, a white lady came running up to me after the show. She goes, 'What gives you the right to do jokes about black people like that?' I'm like, 'Listen, lady, my best friend is Cuban and that's close enough.'
|
|
RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
|
|
|
Feb 22, 2018 - 05:26pm PT
|
...and then I scarbled the garble!!! HAHAhahah
Gnomean?
Cheers!
DMT
|
|
RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
|
|
|
Feb 22, 2018 - 06:45pm PT
|
Gnome would never make fun of himself like that.
Nice try, though.
|
|
RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
|
|
|
Feb 22, 2018 - 06:51pm PT
|
I am more trollish than gnomish.
|
|
RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
|
|
|
Feb 22, 2018 - 06:54pm PT
|
What kind of bees make milk instead of honey? Boobies.
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 23, 2018 - 05:56am PT
|
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle, he would take two steps, stop and turn to the crowd. Then he would put his hands up like claws and roar.
So it went, step, step, roar, step, step, roar, all the way down the aisle. The crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the time he reached the pulpit.
The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and he was also near tears by the time he reached the pulpit.
When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the ring bear."
PREGNANT WIFE
A man phones his wife's doctor and says, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor asks.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
|
|
clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
|
|
|
Feb 23, 2018 - 06:01am PT
|
ANTHONY JESELNIK: DIE A WINNER
About a month ago some kids in my neighborhood were playing hide-and-go-seek and one of them ended up in an abandoned refrigerator. It's all anybody talked about for weeks. I said, 'Who cares? How many kids you know get to die a winner?'
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!