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Phil_B
Social climber
Hercules, CA
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FatTrad,
Holy crap! I dated that chick too. Scary, eh?
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drljefe
climber
Old Pueblo, AZ
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Personally, I've had super positive experiences with single moms.
They've both had their tubes tied!!!
Many single women(of any age) want kids eventually. I don't. That can be a major deal breaker for them. There is pressure there, a pressure you usually won't find with the single mom.
I love kids. I've realized that I can be a positive influence in kids lives without being their dad. Kinda like being the "cool uncle".
If you do end up in a relationzip(!)(doubtful, sorry bro) there are definitely issues that need to be dealt with concerning discipline, money, etc.
The baby daddy thing can be a trip too. Some are cool, some not.
What others have said about the kids being #1 always is true. Honor and respect that.
The age of the kids can also play a major roll on how things go.
My single mom girlfriends, both long term, had teens. Obvious pros and cons to that.
I love single moms. I was raised by one. Heaps of respect for 'em.
Lois- beat it.
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Lee Bow
Trad climber
wet island
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Wow, not surprised this got hot and out of hand...
Too busy to read all the posts, so I'll just jump in.
I AM a singlr father (special needs to make it spicy).
I'm not entirely certain WHY this is differnt than single mom, but the world sure thinks so. Any unfair advantage in my work situation (giggle) is more than off-set by public mis-perception. DO NOT go emergency food shopping after the kids should be in bed. REALLY one night at 9.30 pm I watched as one lady with crying child was offered assistance, then a few minutes later I was publically chastised...she left in a BMW, I walked.This is hardly the exception...
The rules of dating single parent don't exist, but if they did I would suggest these:
1) Do some god-dammed dishes
2) Dont' EVER leave so much as a pop can laying about
3) Don't judge the things left un-done/see how much did get done
4) Do not take the cancelled/missed/late date personally. See rule #1. Remember we are all human...she probably WANTED to be there more than you can imagine, it's just that she NEEDED to be else-where
5) The reason moms break down it tears at midnight just because the have to pick up a sock is because it's midnight and they are STILL working and NOBODY CARES (unless they stop)
6) all those mixed up 'rule' about sex suck! I went 10 yrs without even a coffee date! HURT like hell. None of got to be single parents cuz we dislike sex. Finally broke the dry by chatting up a sinlge mom at a parents group..."Stop wasting time...we only have an hour...my place is close". REALLY, that's what she said...
7) It's probably a bad idea to talk about the kids too much...a single parent's every second is about the kids.
Umm... just ran out of time/school just called (trouble). I'll try for more later if you like...or I'll meet Tami oput in the car,,,
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Kitkat wrote,
2. DO NOT TRY TO BE A PARENT. Be a fun buddy, don't try to tell the kid(s) what to do. There is a reason you dont have kids... if you are lucky enough to be invited into her kids' lives- realize that YOU ARE NOT THE DAD.
I would give a caution about this. You can be the fun person, Though you do need to remember that you are the adult and they are the child, because if you stay in the relationship, then you will need some authority over the children. You are not just their good buddy, but an adult. You protect the kids like you would any kid if you see them about to do something dangerous, but while stopping them, you don't undermine the mom. If you see the kid about to do something dangerous and mom is in the other room getting ready, then you stop the kid and if they complain, then you say you will wait on the final decision until mom makes it, but until she makes the decision, you will not allow them to continue in their behavior. This allows you to be an adult without usurping the moms authority. Kids will lie to you and test their bounderies, and tell you mom always lets them play with the loaded shotgun in the closet. ( outrageous situation here, haha,, I know.. just trying to make a point ) So you take the gun away and tell the kid you will ask mom.
Then, if things go past the first half dozen or so dates and you do start to get serious, then you will have set up yourself in a position of authority and you wont suddenly be the bad guy when you start enforcing rules. You will of course have to work out with the mom, just how much authority you will have, as they are her kids and she has the final say. If you married her, then you would not remain the fun buddy, so I don't recommend starting out that way. This sends too many mixed signals to children. Adults should be an authority figure, while deferring to mom.
I helped my sister raise two boys and I basically replaced the dad while keeping my sister in the top authority spot. I had lots of fun with my nephews and it was one of the best experiences I have had, though I don't want my own kids.
In the first few dates, until you get serious, you are an adult they can have fun with but is still an adult and wont allow them to do stupid things. Oh sure, mom lets me drive the car. Oh sure, mom lets me jump off the roof into the pool. Oh sure, mom lets me drink beer. ........ Uh huh, suuuuuure kid.. eye roll. We will wait and see what your mom says. haha.
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habitat
climber
grass pass
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Wow.
I'm a single mom. So I feel practically obligated to weigh in here.
I don't think your past is a liability, personally I think it is a positive, it shows you are selective and not a needy person. Great news for anyone, but especially a single mom! She's gotta love that.
The stereotypes presented here are just that. Be thankful you are not burdened with these prejudices and pity those that are. Their world is very small.
Kids are the best! They are a LOT of fun, at all ages! It sounds like it would be great if, at this point in your life, you could get to know, and maybe even love, some kids. And of course, sharing climbing with them is something you and they will always cherish.
Here's a little advice. These things have not been an issue for me, personally, but have for some of my friends:
-Don't be the one to suggest a babysitter. Ever. That's her call.
-If you have dogs, careful. Dogs are not children. They are not "kids" "boys" or "girls". They are dogs. And you do not love them like she loves her kids. Trust me.
The rest is like any relationship, part art & part science. Go for it and good luck!
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Hoh man! I remember that Mt Diablo, family incident, Fatty and Philb both dated her? This is getting too close for comfort! Cheers to both of you for going back out and finding more appropriate, fun, women to hang with!
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zip
Trad climber
pacific beach, ca
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Topic Author's Reply - Nov 9, 2009 - 03:18pm PT
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I don't have much experience with LEB, and was kinda under the impression she wasn't a real person.
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Binks
Social climber
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I'm married so this is a moot point, but I did get hit on by a single mother when I was still single. It was kind of creepy because I felt like it was all about money and it was very aggressive. I wouldn't want to date single mothers because I don't want any kids anyway. That's the main point. Not now and probably not ever do I want them. And if I did want kids, I probably would prefer not to be second place in importance to someone else's kid. It seems like a bad deal, a very bad deal for most any man. I can understand if someone is single and a friendship turns into something more committed, but why if you were single would you ever go looking in this category is beyond my comprehension.
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Obviously I missed some drama.......
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jstan
climber
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Zip:
In the lion family the males kill any cubs still with the female in estrus. Perhaps we might have expected some of the heat seen upthread?
A couple of points.
Might one not expect to assume second priority relative to one’s own genetic off spring?
If being first in priority is that important to a person, might they not be ready to have offspring?
Assume for a moment you are the biological father. How would you want any new suitor to relate to your children?
What should be your approach to relating to the father?
Without being too nosy, finding out a little bit about how the former mate failed his wife’s expectations seems a propitious course of action.
When an older man is dating, they are more likely to encounter situations where there is a large age difference. Upon the man’s death the wife is going to be advanced in age and also looking at thirty to forty years alone. You really have to think hard about whether that will be good. Do it early, Not late.
Take some time to become familiar with domestic law in your state of residence. Go see a divorce lawyer and have them take you through the many things often seen in divorces and how best you may prepare. Marriage is a high risk operation.
Oh, and children of fathers over the age of forty have a higher incidence of health difficulties. Best you look up the statistics or talk to a professional.
I assume you have run out the financial spreadsheets. If you don't have your own business, planning on being employed till you are eighty can lead to a problem. Expect to be supporting the children at least till they are through with college. Possibly even graduate school.
Finally an old wives tale that I suspect is not just a tale. Children get their intelligence
from the mother.
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WBraun
climber
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I have so much respect for single mothers and the hardships they encounter trying to raise their children and support them at the same time.
Here's too you, cheers ....
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Agreed Werner.
Heck, here is to all parents, single or not! Cheers!
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Many here on ST despise LEB for her conservative political views and are just pleased to heap on criticism for any reason.
Kiss my ass fatty. I don't dislike her for her politics. I like many people here who who have completely divergent politics from mine. Those I like are respectful, such as John Elezrian. ( Please forgive my misspelling of your name)
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Fatty, So you are saying that that slur wasn't pointed at me? Yet I am the one who took her on last night. How funny you are.
If you declare specifically that I was not part of that slur so people understand just who you are pointing it at, then I will apologize. Until then, my statement stands.
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dogtown
Trad climber
JackAssVille, Wyoming
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A wise person once sad and I quote; You can’t learn anything with your mouth open!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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A similar saying "you have two ears and one mouth for a reason".
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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Man oh man what a weird thread, I just kinda reviewedit and it's a lot stranger than it seemed yesterday when I was reading a couple of posts every few hours. There is job security in being a Shrink!
an interesting observation though, I am a single parent and have nothing but absolute respect for single mothers. but the only time I dated one was the absolutely most disasterous relationship of my life.
It wasn't however, because we were each parents.....
Moosie, if we can't climb, Maybe I'll just buy you a beer, sometime... promotes tendon strength, maybe...
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Sorry Fatty, but I don't believe you. I don't like broadsides. They are meant to hurt and I wont put up with them. What you wrote is a slur and you owe an apology. At least be man enough to speak directly to those you mean, so that they can defend themselves, otherwise stop the broadsides as it is too difficult to tell who you mean.
I would love to meet you sometime Jaybro. I don't drink anymore, but I would still buy you a beer.
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