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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Paul, Angela and I are pulling for you. I was super impressed by you at Indian Creek. I've been around long enough to have met some impressive people and you're right up there at the top. Ruth is a marvel and your dad sounds like someone I would like to get to know. Our best wishes are with you......
and remember, tell the docs exactly how you feel. Their study protocol will be as messed up whether you have surgery or off yourself. You have leverage!
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 7, 2011 - 12:28am PT
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Very bad news. My tumor load is up about 40%. I am in scream out loud pain in my balls whenever I move. My demands for surgery were met with a review of images. The Doc will "Shop" it around to surgens, but does not think many will want the job. The tumor has invaded my genitals to the point where a "Penectomy" or some such thing, basiclly cut you genitals off, would be the result. It's in there deep. So, that's about every guy's worst nightmare.
I seem to be at a corner where many imposible decisions must be made.
Still here, believe it or not,
Paul
PS-Laura, We are in Santa Rosa now. Is your friend heading that far south?
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Paul: Best Wishes, as always.
I hope for the best for you, and give you positive thoughts for the future.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Paul-
I am so sorry that things seem to have taken a downturn for you. Only you can know what the next step should be. At least with your face-it-head-on attitude, the doctors will be telling you straight up what they think so you can make decisions based on facts and not euphemisms or evasions as happens so often.
You mentioned radiation and a friend of mine with a brain tumor was given another three months of life thanks to radiation of her tumor. It also got rid of her pain for most of that time.
Whatever you decide, please know that everyone here will support your decision. Try to keep posting if you can and know that many here are hoping and praying for the best.
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okaythatsme
climber
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Love and whatever support I can give is sent from here to you and Ruth. Continuing to think of you both.
 marcella
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aka....Laura Lawyer
climber
Humboldt
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Paul...
I can give you his number and you can speak with him directly....at this point there is no plan for him to be that far south...but that doesn't mean he can't help you still. He requests that we speak in person to give you his phone number...as he likes his information to be a more "live" energy...rather than the internet energy. You can call me or I can call you....I know it's probably not ideal to be speaking on the phone right now. However, I feel extraordinarly hopeful for you Paul, if you can meet up with him some how, some way. If you choose to grab onto this alternative light of hope from this very special man, call me at 707 407-0162. I too support you in whatever decision you make, Paul. I will back off if that is your wish as well.
Sending Heaps of Love & Healing Light your way....
Laura :)
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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"Why do you guys still stick around?"
Perhaps because we value genuine people.
I'm so sorry about the pain and hope with all my hear that this turns around.
We love ya Paul,
Vicky
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Paul
I hope your pain eases.
I wish I could do something.
Be well, you are an inspiration.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Paul and Ruth. Will skip church Sunday morning (a "special dispensation" moe like an "order" from my Pastor)and drive to Anna's in Orange, CA will leave our car with Jason who can not leave So. CA because he is officially "on duty" and could be ordered to report to the airport for an outbound flight with as little as a few hours notice. The five of us, Anna, Katie and Aiden, Marilyn and I will come up together in their SUV. Will stop overnight on the way and arrive sometime Monday. We will stay at the apartment there next to you. I have reserved it for us (April 11, 12, 13)
Will have to leave Wed. afternoon so we can get back home and then go to Clovis NM where I will conduct a memorial service for a very dear friend who was given another three years of life by radiation treatment of his brain cancer. He was also nearly pain free after the radiation so it is worth considering. No matter what the radiation or surgery does to your "junk" you will allways be the greatest MAN I or anyone else on this site has ever known!
BTW When we return from Clovis I will be free to come and help you and Ruth whenever and for as long as either of you need or want me. Do expect Nathan will fly out for a visit right after Easter. Also, don't dismiss the possibility of someone having a special "gift of healing". There are many things that I have seen that can not be explained by logic or science.
A personal note to all of your friends: THANK YOU for your love and encouragement. I refuse to rule out the possibility of a miraculous "cure" or extension of a period of quality time of earthly life. Hope you all will continue to attack this "climb" with us. Victory is as much in the willingnes to keep on trying as it is in reaching the top. (OK so I'm "preaching to the choir" again.) All I can say is you are the greatest "congregation" I have ever known!
Paul's Dad
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 9, 2011 - 12:47pm PT
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Hi All,
Here's a bit more info.
The talk with the doc at UCSF was hard. I argued my case, but was met with the fact that the tumor is taking over my groin and genitals. It will grow until I cannot crap or piss. My kidneys will eventually shut down and I will have to be cathedarized, etc in the hospital to keep the body barely alive. There are other treatments offered, but all have low success, involve a lot of pain, and will likely fail. The pain will increase, forcing me to accept more pain meds to the point of being out of it enough to take the process.
There are Many alternative therapies out there. Enough to go into perpetual debt and travel place to place until dead. But the "cures" take too long compared to the growth rate of my tumors, and I don't like the desparate "maybe this..." lifestyle.
All along I have tried to make treatment choices based not just on the fact that it exists to try, but also on my compatability with it. No use trying a radical food regimin if I just won't eat it, etc. No use in endless chemo when the odds to side effect ratio sucks so bad. Find the most likely FOR ME, that was my strategy. So no sense in regrets. I have been in full on fight mode.
There comes a time though, when the lines intersect, and it is clear that the odds have worsened. Perhaps it is time for a change of mindset. What is really important to me, in terms of how I leave this world? How do I want to go? Certainly NOT in a hospital bed. Nor a bloody delf-destructed mess. I don't want to stop before I'm ready to. Yet I would hate to "linger", a soul trapped in an overdue corpse.
When I broke my back, I was on a lot of pain pills. One night I took my dose and went to bed. As I fell asleep I thought: "Did I take that dose twice? Did I over dose? I better wake up." But I couldn't. I willed my body to move but it did not. I opened my eyes and tried to scream but no sound came out. I struggled again, it felt against chains or suckion holding me down. "My God, I'm dying!" With one more jerk I sprung up screaming and vomited. Turned out I had overdosed accidentally.
That felt horrible. I don't want that to be my last feeling. I want to smile when I go and know it is time.
So how will I accomplish that if my illness is the end... Don't know yet. Still working on it.
Today the pain is less. The antibiotics I demanded are helping there. I saw a 3D spinning scan of myself yesterday. The cancer lit up all through me like bright lights. It was sickening. But I will do better than most, in the end. I am the Disaster Master.
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Gene
climber
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But I will do better than most, in the end. I am the Disaster Master.
Paul,
You have done better than anybody could expect and will continue to do so. I speak for many who know you only from this site when I say that your spirit, honesty and openness have enriched my life.
Praying for you and yours,
Gene
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lyn
climber
humboldt county
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Paul - sending you lots of light and love from Humboldt County ♥♥♥
Lyn Jones
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Just brewed my afternoon cup of tea and logged on to check out your thread. It astounds me how you are able to write so lucidly knowing you are in such pain. Seeing those scans must have been heartbreaking as if you weren't going through enough with your pain...my thoughts are with you, as always, Susan
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Brian
climber
California
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Hard to know what to say here, as none of us are in your shoes. Hope you realize how many people here respect your courage in facing this fight, and how many people you've inspired. It's been a big, positive impact--and that's something pretty special. So sorry to hear that things are, if anything, worse for you. Thinking about how you want it to end is smart, and something that many of us in less desperate circumstances should also learn from you. You've got lots of folks thinking about, hoping for, and praying for you, and I hope that you can continue to Master this Disaster as long, and as well, as possible.
Brian
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Apr 10, 2011 - 11:00am PT
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Paul, will see you tomorrow. I am so proud of you! Just one more Rock to climb! I took you to your first climbs, hope I can help you get to the top of this one, even though, like those first climbs, all I could do was watch you go up and up until you were out of my sight but never out of my heart!
You have always been the "trail blazer" for others and you have been setting up some new routs for all of us!
Love you and Ruth beyond the limits of words or this "introductory period" of our lives.
Dad.
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Jobee
Social climber
El Portal Ca.
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Apr 10, 2011 - 12:27pm PT
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There are no words, thank you for sharing your incredible strength with us.
I'm am in awe.
xxxooo
Jo Whitford
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Moof
Big Wall climber
Orygun
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Apr 10, 2011 - 02:19pm PT
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If you've fought the good fight, get your plan B in order whatever it may be. I'm really sad to say that California doesn't make it easy for doctors to assist in this. When I was helping out during my Grandmother's final couple weeks (large liver tumor) morphine was her only real solace, both she and I wished there was a more humane plan B available than slogging through to the end, but alas it wasn't.
You stand as a great inspiration.
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Apr 11, 2011 - 12:37am PT
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I really hope that can make it up North here for a bit, we have all been holding you in our meditations. We would love to see you and Ruth and give you our love in person if at all possible.
Love and Light to you and your family
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bvb
Social climber
flagstaff arizona
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Apr 11, 2011 - 01:30am PT
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don't know if this has been mentioned yet, but alan nelson was diagnosed with MM in the spring of '84, underwent surgery, then went on to climb like a banshee for decades -- all the while under the influence of a deep spriritualty.
find your higher power, cling close, and climb hard! yesterday's history, tomorrow's a mystery...
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nita
Social climber
chica from chico. spring days..yeah!
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Apr 11, 2011 - 02:35am PT
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Paul, I'm always at a loss for what to say..... So i'm sending you some music, prayers, love and hope.
Today, i was listening to this song by Patty Griffin, and i thought of Ruth..your Beautiful Love, and the voices of all the people who are sending you Love and standing by you.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=knEnMCmTZGI
also by Patty..but words by Martin Luther King......this song is comforting to me.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rYX5o34U1YY&feature=related
Saludos..
xo
nita..
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