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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:37am PT
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Mrs.Blanchett’s furnace stop working so she calls a serviceman. Since she has to go to work the next day, she tells him, “I’ll leave the key under the doormat. Fix the furnace, leave the bill on the counter, and I’ll send money to your account. Oh, by the way, don’t worry about my doberman; he won’t bother you. But, whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, talk to the parrot!”
When the serviceman arrives at Mrs.Blanchett’s flat the next day, he discovers the biggest and scariest doberman he has ever seen. But just as she said, the dog just lays there on the carpet watching him go about his business.
The Parrot, however, drove him nuts the whole time with his incessant yelling, cursing, and name-calling. Finally the serviceman couldn’t contain himself any longer and yelled, “Shut up, you idiot ugly bird!”
The parrot responded, “Get him, Apollo.”
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 06:43pm PT
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I went into a cafe on the way home as I was a bit peckish, and ordered a hamburger.
The big fat ugly woman who was serving leaned into the deep freeze and pulled out a hamburger patty and stuck it into her armpit, smiled a toothless grin at me, and said : "Just defrosting it for a minute, young man ...."
A voice beside me pipes up : "Cancel my hot dog order then...."
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I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry
because she was a trained professional and said I was in good hands.
Then she asked me : 'Has your plane arrived yet?'
_ _ _ _ _ _ _ _
So after landing my new job as a Walmart greeter, a good find for many retirees, I lasted less than a day...
About two hours into my first day on the job a very loud, unattractive, mean-looking woman walked into the store with her two kids, yelling obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.
I said pleasantly, Good morning Madam and welcome to Walmart, nice children you have there, are they twins? The ugly woman stopped yelling long enough to say, no, they ain't twins.. The oldest ones 9, and the other one is 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Are you blind, or stupid? So I replied, I'm neither blind nor stupid, Madam, I just couldn't believe someone slept with you twice. Have a good day and thank you for shopping at Walmart.
My supervisor said I probably wasn't cut out for this line of work .
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thebravecowboy
climber
The Good Places
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Feb 12, 2018 - 07:21pm PT
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dude walks into a bar, holding out his upturned palm to the bartender.
"Look what I just almost stepped in!"
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 07:27pm PT
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Cardiologist's Funeral
A very prestigious cardiologist died and was given a very
elaborate funeral by the hospital he worked for most of his life...
A huge heart covered in flowers stood behind the casket during the
service as all the doctors from the hospital sat in awe. Following
the eulogy, the heart opened, and the casket rolled inside.The heart
then closed, sealing the doctor in the beautiful heart forever.
At that point, one of the mourners burst into laughter. When
all eyes stared at him, he said, 'I am so sorry, I was just thinking
of my own funeral... I'm a gynecologist.
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 07:51pm PT
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The pastor asked if anyone in the congregation would like to express praise for answered prayers.
Suzie Smith stood and walked to the podium.
She said, "I have a praise. Two months ago, my husband, Tom, had a terrible bicycle wreck and his scrotum was completely crushed. The pain was excruciating and the doctors didn't know if they could help him."
You could hear a muffled gasp from the men in the congregation as they imagine the pain that poor Tom must have experienced.
"Tom was unable to hold me or the children," she went on, "and every move caused him terrible pain." We prayed as the doctors performed a delicate operation, and it turned out they were able to piece together the crushed remnants of Tom's scrotum, and wrap wire around it to hold it in place."
Again, the men in the congregation cringed and squirmed uncomfortably as they imagined the horrible surgery performed on Tom.
"Now," she announced in a quivering voice, "thank the Lord, Tom is out of the hospital and the doctors say that with time, his scrotum should recover completely."
All the men sighed with unified relief.
The pastor rose and tentatively asked if anyone else had something to say.
A man stood up and walked slowly to the podium. He said, "I'm Tom Smith."
The entire congregation held its breath. "I just want to tell my wife...... the word is sternum."
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 12, 2018 - 08:02pm PT
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This is a handy guide that should be as common as a driver's license in the wallet of every husband, boyfriend or significant other.
DANGEROUS: What's for dinner?
SAFER: Can I help you with dinner?
SAFEST: Where would you like to go for dinner?
DANGEROUS: Are you wearing THAT?
SAFER: Gee, you look good in brown.
SAFEST: Wow! Look at you!
DANGEROUS: What are you so worked up about?
SAFER: Could we be overreacting?
SAFEST: Here's fifty dollars.
DANGEROUS: Should you be eating that?
SAFER: You know, there are a lot of apples left.
SAFEST: Can I get you a glass of wine with that?
DANGEROUS: What did you DO all day?
SAFER: I hope you didn't over do it today.
SAFEST: I've always loved you in that robe.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:21pm PT
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Winemaker, that got a few laughs from my wife. I'm sure she thinks the $50 seems low :)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:28pm PT
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WIDOW'S FUTURE
A woman visits a fortuneteller who tells her, "Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year."
Visibly shaken, the woman takes a few deep breaths, steadies her voice and asks, "Will I be acquitted?"
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 12, 2018 - 10:30pm PT
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MARC MARON: NOT BUYING MY WIFE A GUN
There is no way I'm getting my wife a gun because there is no way I'm not getting shot with that gun. Buying my wife a gun is sort of like me saying, 'You know, I kinda want to kill myself, but I want it to be a surprise.'
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Winemaker
Sport climber
Yakima, WA
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Feb 14, 2018 - 05:29pm PT
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Flynn staggered home very late after another evening with his drinking buddy, Paddy. He took off his shoes to avoid waking his wife, Mary.
He tiptoed as quietly as he could toward the stairs leading to their upstairs bedroom, but misjudged the bottom step. As he caught himself by grabbing the banister, his body swung around and he landed heavily on his rump. A whiskey bottle in each back pocket broke and made the landing especially painful.
Managing not to yell, Flynn sprung up, pulled down his pants, and looked in the hall mirror to see that his butt cheeks were cut and bleeding. He managed to quietly find a full box of Band-Aids and began putting a Band-Aid as best he could on each place he saw blood.
He then hid the now almost empty Band-Aid box and shuffled and stumbled his way to bed.
In the morning, Flynn woke up with searing pain in both his head and butt and Mary staring at him from across the room.
She said, "You were drunk again last night weren't you?"
Flynn said, "Why do you say such a mean thing?"
"Well," Mary said, "it could be the open front door,
it could be the broken glass at the bottom of the stairs,
it could be the drops of blood trailing through the house,
it could be your bloodshot eyes,
but mostly.....it's all those Band-Aids stuck on the hall mirror.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 14, 2018 - 06:38pm PT
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Dirtbag funnies.
Q: How can you spot a trad climber at a party?
A: Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
Bouldering is like masturbation:
not as good as the real thing but you don’t need to worry about pro.
Q: What do you call a climber who has recently been dumped?
A: Homeless.
Q: How many climbers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: Climbers don’t screw in lightbulbs, they screw in sleeping bags.
Q: How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A: He’s got a beard, always wears the same clothes, and only works one day a year.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
My favorite?
Q: How many boulderers does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
A: 7 — 1 to actually screw in the lightbulb and 6 to cheer him on.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:22pm PT
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MOUSE DROPPINGS
An eagle swoops down from the sky and eats a mouse. Three hours later, while the eagle is flying, the mouse sticks its head out of the eagle's butt and asks, "How high up are we?"
"About 2,000 feet," the eagle replies.
The mouse replies, "You ain't sh*ttin' me, are you?"
(Thought Mouse might enjoy this one :)
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:29pm PT
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JORDAN RUBIN: DRUNK DRIVING TEST IN KENTUCKY
They got all these new drunk driving tests, these sophisticated tests, breathalyzers. I got pulled over in deep rural, backwoods Kentucky. They don't have sophisticated tests for drunk driving there. They just pulled out a wallet-sized photo of Rosie O'Donnell. They're like, 'Is she attractive?'
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dfrost7
Social climber
Long Beach, Ca
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:31pm PT
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What's the difference between a Kleenex and a tablecloth?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
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Snot alot?
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:38pm PT
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TEXAN POETRY
The finals of the National Poetry Contest last year came down to two finalists. One was a San Francisco State University graduate from an upper-crust family; well-bred, well-connected and all that goes with it. The other finalist was a redneck from Texas A & M. Go figure.
The rules of the contest required each finalist to compose a four-line poem in one minute or less, and the poem had to contain the word “Timbuktu.”
The San Francisco State graduate went first. About thirty seconds after the clock started he jumped up and recited the following poem:
“'Slowly across the desert sand
Trekked the dusty caravan.
Men on camels, two by two
Destination -- Timbuktu.”
The audience went wild! How, they wondered if the redneck could top that?! The clock started again and the redneck sat in silent thought. Finally, in the last few seconds, he jumped and recited:
“Tim and me, a-huntin' went.
Met three whores in a pop-up tent.
They was three, we was two,
So I bucked one and Timbuktu”
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Feb 14, 2018 - 07:43pm PT
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THOSE LOVELY FARMER'S DAUGHTERS
A farmer had 3 beautiful daughters who were getting ready to go out on dates. The first beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Eddie, I'm here to pick up Betty. We're going for spaghetti, is she ready?''
"No," the farmer said.
The second beau came to the door and said, ''I'm Joe, I'm here to pick up Flo to take her to the show. Is she ready to go?''
"No."
The third beau came to the door and said to the farmer. ''Hello, my name is Chuck.''
The farmer shot Chuck.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 14, 2018 - 09:33pm PT
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A parrot wound up in a bird rescue. A woman came in looking to adopt, and was told, "The police brought him in after they shut down a brothel and nobody claimed him. He's tame and friendly but his language is a little, um, colorful..." She said, "Oh, I don't mind at all. Poor bird, he doesn't know what he's saying. We'll give him a good home."
She brought him home and set him up in a new cage. He climbed into his perch, preened, looked around and said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam! Hi, madam!"
Her two teenage daughters came home from school. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores! Hi, ladies!"
Then her husband came home. The parrot said, "Hahaha, new house, new madam, new whores, same old Larry! Hi, Larry!"
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DaveyTree
Trad climber
Fresno
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Feb 15, 2018 - 03:52pm PT
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I hate being bi-polar is awesome
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RURP_Belay
Big Wall climber
Bitter end of a bad anchor
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Feb 15, 2018 - 06:27pm PT
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I went to a fight once
and a hockey game broke out!
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