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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Paul, I like reading all of your posts, no matter what kind of space you are in. I was very much hoping to meet you in J-tree. But relaxation is good. Recuperation as your medicine works for you. I hope you are feeling some relief. I hope you are feeling improvements. I look forward to your next post. Continue fighting hard!!!!
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Paul, Don't give up! My greatest "fear" during difficult times in my life has been that I would discover I "gave up" and "turned back" just before I found "the answere" which was "just around the next corner" or "bend in the road". Keep your eyes, mind and heart open...the "answere" may be closer than you think!
Love to you, Ruth and all your incredible friends!
Dad
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Moof
Big Wall climber
Orygun
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Paul, you truly are one of the best people to hit the Taco Stand in quite a while. I truly hope you find a positive outcome, you've truly added a bit of charm to the lives of this community. Oh yeah, beat the hell out of #13 for me whenever you feel able.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 2, 2011 - 12:57pm PT
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Hi all. Hanging in there. Thanks for all the shout outs.
Got an e-mail from a friend. Needed to post here too. So to save time I cut and pasted my response to his e-mail:
Hey Paul
Though I haven't posted, I check STopo for updates.
I'm really sorry about your pain. I think of you often and try to send you the strenght to keep fighting.
Some Humboldtians are heading to yosemite mid-May.
Any interest?
Wishing you well.
Hi!
Who's heading to Yo, and what are the exact dates? We have access to a house in Wawona in the park. If I get the dates I can try and reserve it.
I would also like to go back up to Humboldt this month (is the landslide I heard about blocking us off?) It all depends on cancer issues.
We go to UCSF for PET scan Monday, then back for evaluation on Wed. My groin tumor is out of control. It has pretty much taken over down there. I think it is disgustingly interesting in one way, and would post up pix, but that would freak people out. One way or another, It has to go. So I am pushing for that at the next Doc visit. This might mean going off the study I am on. But even if that means the other tumors will grow again, I feel it is better than leaving the big bastard in me. I think that tumor will kill me before the others could catch up. Total bullshit decisions. I want surgery AND experimental meds, but that is not in the 'Protocol". F*#k the protocol. If I lived in Europe I could do both. The USA's health system kills people.
It has been VERY hard lately. I am not sure if I am dying or if there is hope still. I must gain control over my digestive system. If so, the plan is always to show up and try. Nearly every day lately there has come a moment when I think or scream "Just kill me already!" Things hurt that bad. But it is only an overwhelmed moment. I'm glad I'm not a gun owner though, because a bullet is to fast, a lot like a hammer drill, and things can happen quicker than you can take them back.
I don't want to die. Just don't want to not live either. Oddly, many, even family have expressed their support for me going out however I choose. "If the pain gets too bad", that sort of thing. But I just don't see it... Mom tried to kill herself. It did not work. No sense trying something like that without a guarantee. And even if there were one...I think I'm just too belligerent. But, God, I just want to feel nothing often these days.
I got new shoes on sale on line. I feel like an idiot. I can't walk a block. What the f*#k am I doing? I guess its my way of saying No to this Bullsh#t. Perhaps they will be used in Yosemite when I see you there. Perhaps I will not strengthen. Who knows. Who cares. They're cool shoes.
My big personality is contained too tight in this trailer. I am such a loud as#@&%e when frustrated. Everyone that knows me as more than an acquaintance knows this about me. Why do you guys still stick around? Ruth deserves a medal for most hours spent in closest proximity to me under pressure.
The problem with having your eyes opened is what you have to See. The problem with living is sometimes you just have to Be. The problem with my mind is excepting every version of Me. Wait and see what will be with me.
C-ya my man,
Paul
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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I'll be thinking of you and keeping my fingers crossed for you Monday through Wednesday. Once you get through that, you'll have a better idea of which direction to go next.
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Carolyn C
Trad climber
the long, long trailer
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I am a stranger to you, Paul, but I sure am wishing the best for you, and something positive for next week. And, my husband and I live in a trailer, so I know what you are talking about!! Sending you and Ruth good thoughts,
c2
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Gene
climber
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ThaDood,
Thanks for your post. Ain't lame at all.
g
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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ThaDood ~ Not lame at all, I am always amazed at how lame our medical system is and how much we suffer from it. Glad to hear someone figured it out for you.
this forum is amazing and I really enjoy reading the stories of inspiration and encouragement of each other. One never knows what small gesture can make a huge difference on someone else's life, nothing is ever too small or lame. It is all up to us to care for each other.
Peace, Love, and Light
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Paul
My thoughts are with you.
Hang in there--you're an inspiration to us!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, paul and ruth...
just letting you know, i'm remembering you both...
thanks for letting us know how you are...
always hoping for a new open door, that may help you...
god bless...:)
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Jerry Dodrill
climber
Sebastopol, CA
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Hey Paul. I'm pulling for you. Let me know if there is anything I can do to help.
Best, Jerry
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blackbird
Trad climber
the flat water trails...
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Paul -
You remain in my thoughts and prayers... I'm rapidly approaching the anniversary of the first time I went to the Dr. for my (surprise!) initial diagnosis (how many years ago now..??) Climbing today at that particular crag and with intentions of hitting that one route where the strange, twisted, enlightening journey all started for me not so long ago.. Seems that I just have to stand and stare that demon in the face occasionally to remind my self of what all I have gained as a result of my own battle with cancer.
Sending that route and setting up the anchor for you today...
bb
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bixquite
Social climber
humboldt nation
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hey paul and ruth you are in our hearts
think of you often paul and your laughter. do they still have your
engraved beer glass at lost coast brewery? get up here bro
spring is on. tasman is growin like a weed, i put a little
bloom booster in his cereal, he's charging. the surf has been good
all winter and i got three trips out to big flat. spent some time
in kauai, it's paradise. lets go up to the mouth of the klamath
when you get here. 101 will open tomorow. hang in there jedi.
get up here, bro. all our love
biscuit, simone and tas
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Hi Paul, thinking of you as I am drinking my tea. I'm powering down lots of green tea these days. I am amazed at how lucid you are given all you are going through. New shoes? Not silly at all. An affirmation of a goal towards which you can strive. Hoping for good news for you this week. Susan
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okaythatsme
climber
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Found this image--you may already have. That camper sure took you places to nice climbing weekends and other trips.
I'm feeling sorrow at that what's going on. Your statement, "I don't want to die. Just don't want to not live either," hits home -- I don't know your pain, but I can understand that statement. Being, accepting, and not knowing what is to be also resonates.
You should have new climbing shoes. Why not? You've always incorporated climbing and you'll need shoes ready to go.
Remember we are all with you. We are all connected.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, SCseagoat...
check your email...
:)
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aka....Laura Lawyer
climber
Humboldt
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Paul....
I would love to talk to you or Ruth on the phone...there is someone coming to Humboldt 4/15-4/17 that could really really help you if you are open...(personally know his work & he will be staying with us) If you are open, please call....I can tell you more and if you need more info than I have to offer....you can call him directly...he has helped tons of people survive with cancer, Paul.
Lots of Love & Light to you and Ruth...
Laura (Adventure's Edge & Old neighbor) 707 407-0162
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yllw2lip
climber
Orange, CA
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I have no idea what to post. It sucks to hear bad news from my brother. He is off the clinical trial and is considering the radiation treatment to shrink that tumor in his groin. I guess we are waiting to hear if that is going to happen or not. I really wish he wasn't in so much pain and there were better answers for him.
I love you Paul! Maybe me and the fam can come by and visit soon??? I am waiting for an update from Dad and what your status is/ what the plan is for the next step. I could always hitch a ride with him and take the baby and have KT stay with the grandparents. I really would like to see you soon.
XOXO
Your lil' sis
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Very sorry to hear that Paul is off the trial. But if something can be done, radiation or surgery to address the large tumor and relieve some of the horrific pain that may be worth it. Hoping some of the next options will relieve his pain. Susan
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labrat
Trad climber
Nevada City, CA
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More good thoughts going your way.........
Erik
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