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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Feb 26, 2011 - 07:41pm PT
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Hey Paul, how are you doing this weekend? Hope you're feeling better and doing some writing.
-C
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 27, 2011 - 09:31pm PT
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Paul you sure have a lot of great friends! can't hardly waite to see you. We are having some great conversations on the "spiritual trip report" I started. When you feel like it just click on my icon and you will find it.
Love again to you and Ruth from your Dad and Marilyn.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 27, 2011 - 09:56pm PT
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Hi all,
Well, it would be fun for me to give a blow by blow as to the last few days, but most of it involves obsessing over lumps in my belly and bowel movments. TMI already.
Today is Ruth's birthday! She is finally 18 so we don't have to live in hidding anymore. ;)
She got some gifts this year, and love them. So I am feeling like a good partner. Good thing I have the internet. Not moving well enough to window shop.
I can't figure out if I am getting better or worse. I am vomiting sometimes, and have pain still, especially standing. But not as bad. The lumps arn't bigger, but can't tell if they are shrinking or just morphing. They do that sometimes, change shape over the course of a day. Mutant wierdness...
I m bored. I want reief or a fight; not this seeming stalemate. Oh, well. Could be worse. I watched a program today about a woman who is a wolf biologist with brain cancer. They showed her interacting and tracking wolves, sometimes having to pause from pain from her illness. It made me prowd. It made me cry.
I want to be the Lance Armstrong of Melanoma. I want to be the one who comes back better and make a change. But it is a long climb, and it is getting dark again. Always this need, this stupid beligerant need to proceed. I've met those who do not possess it. And it sadens me. I do not want to see people failing to try. When will folks figure it out that to try as hard as you can IS to win. First, second, third, are only measurments of a moment in time. They have nothing to do with you , with your win through effort.
Will I be overcome by random clusters of biligerant cells? No, just eaten too soon. I still want to figure more out...before the battries die in the processor.
I wish only to continue in a comprehensible way, and not loose the insites learned. Various religions claim the way to this, yet it is all conjecture untill experienced. I have lost poems on this computor by hitting the wrong key. That data was emotion in letters that I can never recreate, only simulate. Is my present conciousness thus? On, off? Or will it remain...
Tripping,
Paul
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Omot
Trad climber
The here and now
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Feb 27, 2011 - 10:34pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Thanks for sharing all that you are going through. You're very courageous and very inspiring to all of us. Of course, life is difficult in the best of circumstances, but It is especially difficult for people going through illness like yourself. That you handle this challenge with such a upbeat attitude is testament to your inner strength and the peace within you. And that's the only way you can approach the challenges of your illness with any chance of success.
I'm just back from visiting my mother on the east coast. She was recently diagnosed with primary peritoneal cancer (lining of the abdomenal cavity) and is now in hospice after trying chemo, which very nearly killed her. At 86, she's just too frail to go through the chemical warfare that is chemo, and she has now recognized and accepted that her passage is imminent. She is not afraid to die, and is at peace with herself, with her God, and with the world. That's also very inspiring to me.
To die slowly does suck, but it also gives one time to make right all that needs to made right and say one's last goodbyes. I'm saddened that my mom has to go through months of pain, but grateful that she has had time to be with loved ones and say "I love you" one last time. That means more to me than anything.
I wish the same to you and your loved ones (but really hope you pull through so you can do it again when you're 86!).
All the best,
Tomo
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Fritz
Trad climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Feb 27, 2011 - 10:45pm PT
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Paul: I have not posted lately on this thread. I continue to wish you the best. I am impressed with your epic fight with Melanoma.
It makes my two recent Basal cell cancers, and the upcoming surgery, feel trivial in comparison with your suffering.
Fight on dude!
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yoginigirl
Social climber
Eureka
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Feb 28, 2011 - 01:07am PT
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Hey Paul ~ Tell Ruth I say "Happy Birthday"
So glad to hear you get to spend some time with your Dad, wish I could meet him, he always did sound like the coolest Dad ever. He definitely raised one hell of a son. Strong willed and full of piss and vinegar.
Here is to feeling better and smaller tumors,,, oh,,, check it out
http://bikramyogahumboldt.sports.officelive.com/default.aspx ~ I made a website, (check out news and announcements) if you don't like it let me know I will change it.
Peace, love and light
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 28, 2011 - 01:27am PT
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Hi Paul, sitting here with my cuppa tea...seems like I always have one near by....and wishin' I were sitting next to you and sharing it. Thanks for your thoughts. Susan
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 28, 2011 - 02:03am PT
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And Yes,
HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO RUTH !!!
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Gene
climber
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Feb 28, 2011 - 06:55pm PT
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Hi Paul,
Just a random 'thinking about you' note cuz, well, I'm thinking about you and the birthday gal.
Take care, my yet-to-meet friend,
Gene
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Zache
Social climber
Arcata, ca
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Thinkin about you Paul. This is Zach from Humboldt. Climbed up at Footsteps the other week. Lots of fun, osteoporosis , Radical Mouse Movement, what great routes and what a crazy peaceful place.
Also in other news, got permission from patricks point to rebolt some routes!
I hope those doctors are figuring out your pain.
Wish I could be there with ya.
-Zach (fellow P.K.)
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Bad Climber
climber
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Paul: We've never met, but you've inspired me no end. Keep sluggin'.
BAd
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 7, 2011 - 12:45pm PT
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Zack wrote:
Also in other news, got permission from patricks point to rebolt some routes!
That is great news! I tried hard to. Then did a bunch undercover when they said no back in the day. What routes? Clean up / finish the OP Wall. If / When I feel better I want to put a route up with you at Marble Caves I have scoped for years. I keep dreaming about it. I got a new hammer. Grab your drill! If you keep doing these re-bolt and new route projects, I'll have to give you one of my D5 hammers as a thank you gift...
Hi all. Here at my home with Dad. We are both typing away on ST now. What a visit. ;)
I am very nauseous lately again. Everything seems on hold or in slow motion. This does not fit my style. I am weak and tired, but not dieing quickly anymore. But now I would like to get a life I enjoy, not a shut in's.
Ruth is in LA at a Yoga Competition. Lonely. Dad's OK, but....
I'll see her again soon, though.
On we go,
Paul
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 7, 2011 - 12:57pm PT
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Thinkin about you Paul. This is Zach from Humboldt. Climbed up at Footsteps the other week. Lots of fun, osteoporosis , Radical Mouse Movement, what great routes and what a crazy peaceful place.
Here's what Zack's talking about. An old climbing area over the sea. Some of my first FFA's. ON TOPIC STUFF, EVEN. OMG!
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Hi Paul, I just sat down, with a cuppa of tea no less and was thinking about you...and whaddya know...you had recently posted some beautiful pics. Those climbs over the coast, well spectacular! I'm sorry you are "shut in" at the moment. Hopefully that will pass and you'll get some outside time soon.
Saw the thread your Dad started. So many times I started to post and then I would get confused because I don't know what my spiritual life is now all about since my cancer DX. Before it was rocks and ocean and sun and rain; while I was always introspective it was in relation to the world. It never occurred to me my health would get so seriously compromised (boy, do I know you can relate to that one). I assumed (I guess like everyone else) I would just grow old and fade off into the sunset or get swept overboard when we are out to sea. Next time we see each other I'd love to talk to you about the confusion/acceptance/fight/surrender/pissed off ... well you get it; the jangle of emotions that comes with this DX.
Sipping my tea...sharing it virtually with you... Susan
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Hanging out with Paul has been mostly mellow, Hard to see him in Pain, and feel his anger/frustration just can't do anything accept to keep quiet and let him deal with it in his own sometimes explosive way which seems to be just what he needs me to do. It is easy to say "I wish I could transfere his disease and pain to me" because I know I can't! The REAL TRUTH is that I could not wish what he is going through on myself or anyone else even if it could "cure him"....hmmmm...well there are a couple of people.... no, better not go there. Appreciate the hesitency some have expressed about posting on my trip report: Please don't hold back just let the words and emotions tumble out that's what I want that thread to be.... a safe place to look at my own emotions and beliefs and to learn from others.
Guess we are just two lonley men wanting to be back in the company of the wonderful women who love and accept us so unconditionally... Two VERY LUCKY/BLESSED/FORTUNATE/GOT MORE GOOD THAN WE DESERVED/ GUYS. Here they are in a picture from our visit last July
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Hey Paul,
Just popping in to say hi. Hoping you're having a good day pain/nausea/stir-crazy wise. Glad your dad is there to keep you company while Ruth is gone. He sounds awesome.
Cheers to you, Pastor Dave.
Good to see you posting Paul.
Vicky
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okaythatsme
climber
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Hi Paul,
Wishing you a good day, less nausea and more energy. Thought you may enjoy looking at this website, http://playingforchange.com/ where musicians from all over the world are recorded into a beautiful united chorus of voices and instruments. It's wonderful.
with love, marcella
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Mar 11, 2011 - 09:13pm PT
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Hi Paul, How did your latest Dr. visit go? Hope you feel up to posting an up-date soon. We are all hoping for some good news but will settle for a few words good or bad. I am sure all your friends join me in "hatting" this cancer.
BTW, I had my hearing checked. As you know I had to keep turning up the TV while I was there and I was saying to Marilyn: "I can't hear you" way to often. I will get my new hearing aids next week. Then I will be totally out of excuses. Wish it was that simple for you.
Love to you and Ruth I am here (on line or on the cell phone) anytime either of you wnt/need to talk.
Love you both
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Mar 12, 2011 - 03:03pm PT
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Hi Paul, Sitting here with my cuppa. Thinking of you. Had my last chemo yesterday...thought of you alot and all you've been through and how much your sharing with me meant during this time. I wished and wished and prayed and hoped that you will soon be on the uptick. I'm feeling pretty good and feel cheated that you are not. That bothers me greatly because you are so young. Susan
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