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Darwin
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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Dec 27, 2016 - 11:07pm PT
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^ Thanks Jim.
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kunlun_shan
Mountain climber
SF, CA
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Mexicans were asked what they thought of the proposed wall.
They replied.
"We are very upset about it, but we'll get over it."
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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*
Alternative facts thread gone..
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Stupid Merican
climber
Crankloon, OH
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Feb 18, 2017 - 03:29pm PT
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BUMP!
And so the Lord said unto John, "Come forth; and receive eternal life."
But John came fifth and won a toaster.
Did you know cats can jump higher than a house?
This is largely due to the cats powerful hind legs and the fact houses can't jump.
Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love, and got married.
The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was incredible!
I come from a mixed race family.
My Mum did the 800m, and my Dad's Indian.
What's red and bad for your teeth?
A brick.
9/11 jokes aren't funny.
But the other 2 are!
I still remember the last thing my grandfather said before kicking the bucket.
"Hey wanna see how far I can kick this bucket?"
Why does a chicken coop have two doors?
Because if it had four doors, it would be a chicken sedan.
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
Aye Matey
What's the difference between a well dressed man on a unicycle and a poorly dressed man on a bike?
Attire.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Feb 18, 2017 - 04:04pm PT
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A swami came untied from his rope and then he fell.
He should have used a bowline-on-a-coil, we could tell.
Now he's coiling kinky goldline down in hell.
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BigB
Trad climber
Red Rock
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Mar 16, 2017 - 03:11pm PT
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Q: Why don’t cannibals eat clowns?
A: Because they taste funny.
Q: What did Kermit the frog say at Jim Henson’s funeral?
A: Nothing.
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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Mar 27, 2017 - 06:42pm PT
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I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Mar 27, 2017 - 07:19pm PT
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7SacredPools! That's a good stab at an Epipen joke, but I'm not sure readers will get the point.
However, I've got nothing but cartoons tonight.
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SteveW
Trad climber
The state of confusion
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Mar 29, 2017 - 06:46pm PT
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Puns for Educated?Minds
1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.
2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .
3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.
4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.
5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.
6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.
7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart
8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.
10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.
12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'
13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.
14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'
15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
17. A backward poet writes inverse.
18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris , you'd be in Seine .
21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.
24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Mar 29, 2017 - 07:01pm PT
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Steve, this is a great collection!
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Aug 21, 2017 - 09:36pm PT
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Had a good chuckle with these...
I told my girlfriend she drew her eyebrows too high. She seemed surprised.
My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo. So I had to put my foot down.
What's the difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
I have an EpiPen. My friend gave it to me when he was dying, it seemed very important to him that I have it.
I poured root beer in a square glass. Now I just have beer.
What's the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy, and the other is a little lighter.
My friend says to me: "What rhymes with orange" I said: "no it doesn't"
And God said to John, come forth and you shall be granted eternal life. But John came fifth and won a toaster.
What's orange and sounds like a parrot? A carrot.
So what if I don't know what Armageddon means? It's not the end of the world.
A blind man walks into a bar. And a table. And a chair.
Why did the old man fall in the well? Because he couldn't see that well.
My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep. I said "40"
I've found a job helping a one armed typist do capital letters. It's shift work.
Communism jokes aren't funny unless everyone gets them.
What did the pirate say when he turned 80 years old? Aye matey.
Have you heard about those new corduroy pillows? They're making headlines.
I couldn't figure out why the baseball kept getting larger. Then it hit me.
How did the hipster burn his mouth? He ate the pizza before it was cool.
What's ET short for? He's only got little legs.
It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.
I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather did, not screaming in terror like the passengers in his car.
Some people think it's romantic to carve their names on trees in the park while on a date. I'm more worried about why they're bringing a knife on their date.
2 cows are grazing in a field. 1 cow says to the other, "You ever worry about that mad cow disease?". The other cow says, "Why would I care? I'm a helicopter!"
What's the difference between a dirty old bus stop and a lobster with breast implants? One is a crusty bus station the other one is a busty crustacean.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Aug 22, 2017 - 07:31am PT
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Do you know what it means to come home at night to a woman who'll give you a little love, a little affection, a little tenderness? It means you're in the wrong house, that's what it means.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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I told my psychiatrist that everyone hates me. He said I was being ridiculous, everyone hasn't met me yet.
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skitch
Gym climber
Bend Or
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A priest and a rabbi went on a long hike, when they get back to the trailhead they decide to skinny dip in the lake since no one is around... a bus full of the rabbi and the priest's youth congregation pulls up...so the priest covers his junk with his hands and the rabbi covers his face with his hands...the rabbi says "my congregation recognizes ME by my face...."
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L
climber
Tiptoeing through the chilly waters of life
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Sep 25, 2017 - 01:11pm PT
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Just received this one.....it's a little longer, but worth the read.
Cajones de Toro
A big Texan stopped at a local restaurant following a day roaming around in Spain.
While sipping his wine, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful.
He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied, "Si senor, you have excellent taste! Those are called Cojones de Toro, bull's testicles from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!"
The cowboy said, "What the heck, bring me an order."
The waiter replied, "I am so sorry, senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy."
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and that evening was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, he inspected his platter, and called to the waiter.
"These are delicious," he said,"but they are so much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday."
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, senor. Sometimes, it is the bull that wins."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 25, 2017 - 01:48pm PT
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Just heard this morning...
Los Cojones del Burrito
A turista in TJ sees Tio Che sitting in the shade of a wall. His burro, Burrito, stands languidly by, swatting flies with its tail.
She approaches and asks to take his photo. He holds out his right hand and says two dollars, por favor. She pays him and takes the photo, then asks him what the time is.
Tio Che reaches over to Burrito, lifts his ball sack a couple of inches, and proclaims it is a quarter to twelve. This amazes her no end.
She finds her husband and returns and gives Tio Che another two bucks and asks the time. It is now noon, according to the burro balls.
The husband asks Tio Che how he can tell the time this way.
"Easy, senor. There's a clock in the church tower down the street, but this burro is in the way."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Oct 15, 2017 - 06:52pm PT
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As a senior ST member was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him, "Honey, I
just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on the interstate between here & the city."
"Please be careful!"
"No Schist!" screamed her husband, "It's not just one car, there's hundreds of them going the wrong way, & they are all coming towards me!!"
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norm larson
climber
wilson, wyoming
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Oct 16, 2017 - 04:17am PT
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If you are going to take a Mormon fishing it's better to take two. If you take just one he'll drink all your beer.
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Jon Beck
Trad climber
Oceanside
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Paul Ryan, Ayn Rand and Rand Paul walk into a bar
Bartender serves them tainted drinks because there is no regulation
They all die.
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