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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Nov 10, 2016 - 10:00pm PT
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Live every day like it's your last.
Sooner or later you'll be right.
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Nov 21, 2016 - 06:35pm PT
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You know my doctor, Dr. Vinnie Boombatz?
I was at his office, he told me he needed a stool sample, a urine sample and a semen sample. So I left my underwear and went home.
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Nov 21, 2016 - 07:17pm PT
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On my occasional shopping trips to Boise, I've been enjoying a great new supermarket.
It has an automatic water mister to keep the produce fresh. Just before it goes on, you hear the sound of distant thunder and smell fresh rain.
When you pass the milk cases, you hear cows mooing and there is the scent of freshly mowed hay.
In the meat department there is the aroma of charcoal grilled steaks with onions.
When you approach the egg case, you hear hens clucking and cackling, and the air is filled with the pleasing aroma of bacon and eggs frying.
The bread department features the tantalizing smell of fresh baked bread and cookies.
I don't buy toilet paper there anymore.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Dec 17, 2016 - 12:32pm PT
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What did the cowboy say when he walked into the German car showroom?
Audi!
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 22, 2016 - 12:05pm PT
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A blond is on trial for beating her husband to death with his guitar collection. The judge says, "First offender?"
She says, "No, first a Gibson, then a Fender!"
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Dec 22, 2016 - 12:12pm PT
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A guy walks into a bar, sits down and says to the bartender..." I'm a narcissitic bully and totally unqualified but I can become President of these fair lands even if I get 2.9 million less votes then my opponent."
The bartender replies..."get outta here, you're already drunk."
And the joke is on who?
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:08pm PT
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Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the
boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential
downpour. The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather
would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back;
now with a different anticipation,
and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:16pm PT
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rockermike
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:17pm PT
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EdBannister
Mountain climber
13,000 feet
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:22pm PT
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two Irish men walk out of a bar...
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:27pm PT
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One Irishman to another:
"Mate, when I'm dead and gone, will you pour some fine whiskey over my grave on Saturday evenings?"
"Of course, my friend. Will you mind if I pass it through my kidneys first?"
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Reilly
Mountain climber
The Other Monrovia- CA
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Dec 24, 2016 - 09:35pm PT
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Y'all think that shiz is funny, eh?
My great Uncle Jimmy worked at Jamison's. One day he fell into one of the big vats.
He bravely fought them off til the end.
When I went off to university me mum would write:
"Dear son, I know you can't read very well so I'm writing this slowly."
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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Dec 26, 2016 - 10:10pm PT
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"Daddy, how do stars die?"
"Drugs, normally."
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Dec 26, 2016 - 10:39pm PT
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How can you tell Santa is a climbing bum?
A beard
Always the same clothes
Works one day a year
Sticker on sleigh: I do it in chimneys
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Gary
Social climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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Dec 27, 2016 - 06:57am PT
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There was a knock at the door.
"Mrs. Brennan, we have terrible news for you. While working at the brewery your husband fell into a vat of Guinness and drowned."
"Oh! My poor husband! It must have been horrible!"
"Ay. We pulled him out three times."
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Dec 27, 2016 - 04:31pm PT
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A couple of old jews are in the rest home, a widow and a widower. One day they get married.
On their honeymoon night, they begin fooling around, when the old window pulls up and says, "Now-a wait a minute Howie. There's-a one-a thing-a I gotta to tell-a you, Just-a so you-a know. When you're-a feeling up-a for a little hokey pokey, you-a know" and she knudges him, "you-a gotta a-squeeze-a my-a right-a tit. You-a squeeze it a-three-a times. OK. And-a if you-a don't-a want-a hokey-pokey, you-a know, you-a squeeze-a my left-a tit. a-One-a time. OK?"
"Yes, I think-a I understand-a you. OK, I-a squeeze-a your tit. Three times. Uh-huh, OK."
"And-a Brandy, there's-a one-a more thing-a for-a you. When you feel-a like-a little tussle, you-a know, you-a reach-a down here," and Howie puts his hand on his member, "and-a you-a know, you-a pull me, like-a two times, OK, when-a you-a wanna do it. You-a pull me two times." He nods. "And-a if you-a don't-a feel-a like-a messin' around, you-a know, you-a reach-a down and you-a pull-a me, like-a seventy-two times, uh-huh."
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Fritz
Social climber
Choss Creek, ID
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Dec 27, 2016 - 05:12pm PT
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The elderly couple explained to a divorce lawyer, that due to irreconcilable differences, they wanted a divorce.
The young lawyer, was somewhat surprised.
He asked how old they each were.
They explained that Pa was 88 & Ma was 87 years old & they had been married for seventy years.
The lawyer asked: "After being married for seventy years, why do you want to get divorced now?"
Ma leaned forward and replied:
"We were waiting for our children to die."
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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Dec 27, 2016 - 07:47pm PT
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That reminds me...
Customer in a restaurant: How do you prepare your chickens?
Cook: Oh, nothing special really. We just tell them they're gonna die.
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