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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 14, 2011 - 11:41pm PT
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Paul-
I got your address and forwarded it on to Lynne.
Now all I need is your last name ???
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2011 - 09:57am PT
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Details, details... it's Humphrey.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Feb 15, 2011 - 10:00am PT
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Hello to you and Ruth- hope to see you at some climbing venue this Spring.
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 15, 2011 - 01:28pm PT
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Got it. The check is in the mail.
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Feb 15, 2011 - 03:52pm PT
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Hey Paul,
Didn't see the PayPal message myself. Jeff and I would like to help. Email if you can and send your address.
Vicky
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2011 - 04:07pm PT
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Didn't see the PayPal message myself. Jeff and I would like to help.
Vicky,
Here is a re-post of the pertinent info. Love ya!
-Paul
I am so tired of not being able to contribute to the income of the house. Ruth is working herself ragged, Though she will say she is fine. Then she has to do most things for me.
When I was first diagnosed with this BS we set up an account that people could donate to. I feel the need to ask again for charity. This is not easy and entirly my idea this time around. But we need a little breathing room.
I have a paypal that can be donated to. This screen will tell you how:https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=ao8zNg5u-6mOU3khaxSR1GR8pEpy-J9CfIMY3f3vmcYrwa16VLrxJsAxZo4&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8df1d2b5c147af55b8d54f2944c97d2a2a
The email to use when asked who the $ is for is sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com.
I hate to do it, but could use any monetary help we can get.
That link again is: https://www.paypal.com/cgi-bin/webscr?cmd=_flow&SESSION=ao8zNg5u-6mOU3khaxSR1GR8pEpy-J9CfIMY3f3vmcYrwa16VLrxJsAxZo4&dispatch=5885d80a13c0db1f8e263663d3faee8df1d2b5c147af55b8d54f2944c97d2a2a
MY Paypal account: sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com
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hb81
climber
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Feb 15, 2011 - 04:34pm PT
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Paul, the link you gave will only work from your computer as it links into a secure part of the site (hence httpS instead of http) and has a "session id" attached to it.
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 15, 2011 - 04:39pm PT
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Well, paypal.com will get you there. Wonder what's up/
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO
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Feb 15, 2011 - 07:59pm PT
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Here is one more person reminding you that many people are interested in you and Ruth and send you white light all the time. Glad I can "stay in touch" through Supertopo posts. We talked a lot about yoga when we met. It might please you to know that I have continued to practice yoga and enjoy great benefits. I plan on practicing the rest of my life – and living a long, healthy and active life. Here is my email address if you want to communicate directly or plan a visit to my place sometime this Spring/Summer or whenever. twprice3@gmail.com
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Iclimb5.1
climber
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Feb 16, 2011 - 01:47pm PT
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Thanks, Paul.
It's pretty easy if you just go to PayPal.com, click on 'Send Money' and follow the links. As Paul mentioned, you simply type in the email address to get the money sent.
Glad we can help Paul. Hope you're day is going well.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 16, 2011 - 07:22pm PT
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Hi Paul and Ruth. We just got home and checked the site for latest info. Left voice mesage on both of your cell phones while on the road but just wanted update call if there were major changes or improvement from the new meds. Looks like you are feeling somewhat better but still waiting for tumor to shrink and DIE! Just the tunor, not YOU! Know that I can be at your side within 24 hours (or less) if you need me. Ruth mentioned that she has to come to LA early in March. I can come and hang out with you or if you come down with her I can meet you with my minni RV and you and I can hang out together in L A while Ruth does her coaching. Whatever will work for the two of you will work for me. If I come north to Santa Rosa Marilyn may come with me of may decide to stay here we will decide when the time and circumstances arrive. Loved your Valentine Tribute to Ruth. Glad you appreciate how great she is. Just one more thing we have in common, we both have FANTASTIC WOMEN in our lives who, wonder of wonders, LOVE US!! I can't imagine life without Marilyn and you would probably not have made it this far without Ruth. No words adequate to express my LOVE and APPRECIATION to both of them.
I think you are the Master of every Disaster! Keep climbing and know that GOD IS WITH YOU!
Dad
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Disaster Master
Social climber
Born in So-Cal, left my soul in far Nor-Cal.
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 17, 2011 - 01:11pm PT
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Man, I have been climbing a lot lately...in my head.
An explanation:
I seem to have reached a new place, past the bulk of the anger and despair; somewhere on the lit-side of pain. Misery remains, but it is accepted.
I built loops or programs in my mind over past years to process away other pain. Productive Denial, you could call it. Most people do it all the time to not think about things they wish were not reality...The bad pay, the beatings, the insecurities or what-evers of their lives. The thing is, they do this Automatically, without ever consulting the conscious mind. It is only when faced with a disconnect from their pre-programed version of "reality" that they realize they were manifesting behavior in their mind.
Think about it. Everyone has the built-in ability to process things away from the conscious mind. We would go crazy(er) otherwise. What we have failed to develop is the mental pathways that will allow us to Voluntarily access and use this skill.
Techniques such as meditation, once stripped of their religious over tones, are nothing more that a tool to do just that. I taught myself my own versions of various techniques over the years to put away pain. I had to after grounding from 80 feet and landing like an accordion, bursting my spine. The other choice is the normal one. Lots of drugs and not a lot of Life. Tried it. F*#k that!
So I stumbled on to, or made up, things that work for me. I built programs in my mind to take care of monitoring the pain. They would let me know if It was pain that meant I was injuring myself further, or irrational, chronic pain. If it was TRULY urgent, it would alert me. Otherwise I would not feel it, or much less of it. I made peace with my Pain.
Even with these skills pain is nearly kicking my ass again. It's secret weapon...change. It turns out my loops, my programs, are specific to a given pain. Not so good when Pain is always on the move and growing along with the tumors and disease. Even so I am getting a handle on it.
In the hospital they had me (eventually) on so many drugs they hesitated to give more for fear of overdosing me. Still the pain remained, barely diminished! Most people, it turns out, respond far quicker to these pain killers than I. Along with a cultivated ability to withstand pain comes an increased tolerance to pain controlling substances, it seems. Sounds strange, but these are results my own research on me. Ruth and others who have witnessed these things confirm it when I ask them what they observe.
So by the end of the latest hospitalization I was throwing up all the time, worse than when I arrived. I was on so much junk that later, after release, the pharmacy would not fill my scripts. They said it was way too much to take without overdosing. No one believes me...
All the hospital did was give me a rock-star drug habit in a hurry. Now my body was convinced it had to have the drugs. Yet it would reject them immediaty and hurl because my gut knows they are poison. What's a dude to do????
"Get the hell out! Go home. TAKE BACK YOUR HEALTHCARE, Paul." So said my mind. So we left.
Back at home, at first I went with the docs dosing. I let Ruth innocently feed me pills on time as prescribed. Hell and vomit continued.
MY turn! I got out my weekly pills planer box, read up on all meds, re-sorted, re dosed and restarted my own pain program. One week later I am taking less meds than most take for more minor injuries. My mind is clear and I am eating again. All things that got worse under doctor supervision.
I am still in a lot of pain. Much more than I want to be. But I am FACING it. It must be faced. Otherwise just hurry up and die already. Now that I finally am back to the simpler problem of Pain, perhaps I can make some progress.
As I said way up top of this post: "I have been climbing a lot lately...in my head." Still bed and chair ridden, I lie with my leg in the air. If I stand the pain hits me, I reach the wrong way...the same. So I find myself almost frozen, unmoving out of necessity for hours. Oddly, this is how you start to meditate, but usually in a more traditional uncomfortable position.
I find myself daydreaming a lot in my frozen positions. Otherwise it is too boring to bear. I climb past-climbs, find new ones. I have established several new routes ground up this week alone! Quality too, wish you could see them. But it is all in my head. That said, they seem today as real as any other memory of real routes past.
What's up with that?
If you hooked me up to a lie detector and asked me if the climbs and cliffs were real, it I did it, I would say yes. And the machine would believe me. That is how vivid some of these have been.
When I "return" to my chair, I notice changes in my pain, as if while I was gone my mind was also busy building pathways and programs for my new pain.
Trust me, I have not gone off the deep end here. I am just trying to get across some interesting stuff.
I hope that my pathways will clear further. I often visualize that I am following a young dear through tall grass over a landscape unknown to me. the deer is from here, though. It knows many ways around. So I follow the dear, and help widen the pathway with my footsteps, so later I can distinguish it again from the other game trails. I keep doing this until I map out a way to the place that can hold my pain for me. I am tired of it. Time to process it away...
Hope you get the point.
In other news:
Dad wrote: you would probably not have made it this far without Ruth For sure. When we talked last to our study coordinator at UCSF, she expressed amazement at Ruth too. According to the coordinator, many people in my situation are alone, or in denial, or with an ineffective, or in denial partner. She was impressed with the way Ruth and I are facing this head on, eyes open.
I would be dead now without Ruth because I would not ask for enough outside help. I would do it myself till I croaked. And I can't do a lot of things she does for me now. Besides that, Love buoys the weakest of souls. Gives them time to take another breath.
Terry wrote:Glad I can "stay in touch" through Supertopo posts. We talked a lot about yoga when we met. It might please you to know that I have continued to practice yoga and enjoy great benefits. I plan on practicing the rest of my life – and living a long, healthy and active life.
It was great meeting and speaking with you at Indian Creek. Still wish we had time to see your place. We think of you also. Live long and die quick, my friend,
Donini wrote:Hello to you and Ruth- hope to see you at some climbing venue this Spring.
If things shrink, I will climb real rock with you this year. Anywhere, when I can. Hi to you and Angela.
Vicky (?) Wrote:Thanks, Paul.
It's pretty easy if you just go to PayPal.com, click on 'Send Money' and follow the links. As Paul mentioned, you simply type in the email address to get the money sent.
Glad we can help Paul. Hope you're day is going well. OK Good explanation. The e mail she refers to is sticksandstones@cliffhanger.com. Enough begging now. If y'all can help, think of us from time to time.
Thank like crazy to even more donations! We feel like a pressure release valve has been opened. Cancer is expensive.
Hope you enjoyed my rambling today.
Off to put up a new route in my mind. I found it yesterday. Slightly overhanging, limestone with pockets. I think I can bolt it on lead to reach a thin crack. Otherwise i will dream of rap-bolting aid.
Mastering on, in my mind,
Paul
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 17, 2011 - 02:46pm PT
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Yeah, I got it...hardly ramblings, perceptive insights they are and I believe very helpful for others in suffering or pain, regardless physical, mental, emotional or spiritual. Sitting here with my cuppa tea, the real winter type weather has returned to Santa Cruz.
I return tomorrow for chemo hoping my blood work is good to go. Got kicked outta the chemo lounge last week (geez I can still stir up a ruckus!)...well only because my WBCs too low.
Ruth is to you what Michael (Ferretlegger) is to me. Yeah I am a fiercely independent person too, and it's been a hard but rewarding lesson to learn when to surrender. I'm always scoping out that continuum between dangerous pig-headedness and gracious acceptance of another's care taking. Hard stuff.
Thinking always of you Paul...When I started reading your posts late summer I was very touched and moved by them. Little did I know two months later I would cling to them in hopes I could muster up even a fraction of the courage and perseverance you have shown. You have helped me. Hoping we can both get to J-Tree to support Doug.
Clinking the virutal tea mugs, Susan
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Jan
Mountain climber
Okinawa, Japan
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Feb 19, 2011 - 03:04pm PT
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I saw you posted on Go-b's thread so I'm glad you're up and on the computer. I really liked your interpretation of Job. It reminds me a lot of karma.
Take care.
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Pastor Dave
Social climber
Yucca Valley, CA
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Feb 19, 2011 - 05:42pm PT
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Hi Paul, I checked out your comments on Job on Go-b's thread. You are right on as usual....way below and above most "surface" interpretations.
Saw you posted EARLY in the moening. Don't want to call you and jar you out of one of your mental climbs. Your explanation of how our minds work is way above what most PHD'S can comprehend. When you or Ruth feel up to talking please give your old Dad a call. Just like to hear your voice(s). The R.V. ran great on our trip to Truth or Consequences New Mexico. It is ready to head North whenever you need me. Just call and I will come.
Love to you and Ruth from Dad and Marilyn.
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ontheedgeandscaredtodeath
Trad climber
San Francisco, Ca
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Feb 19, 2011 - 05:56pm PT
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Disaster,
Thought I'd post a couple of tree climbing photos- I know from your posts you used to do a lot of that. I used to work up in Northern California for the forest circus. Part of my job was climbing trees for various reasons, one of which was to catch bald eagle chicks so the biologists could examine them and put radio transmitters on them. The nests were often up in massive doug firs. The nests are big platforms that we would have to get underneath, grab the lip and mantle up into.
Here's a self portrait of me laying in a nest:
The nests were stinky, and smelled like rotting fish. Lots of bones and bits of flesh, etc.
Here is one of the eagle chicks. They can't fly yet, so the trick was to get up into the nest and carefully get a hand on their backs so they didn't jump while at the same time defending ourselves from beaks and talons. Then we'd bag them up and lower them down to the biologists. They would do their science stuff and then we'd haul the birds back up.
One time I hoisted myself into a nest and found two chicks!
They almost got the better of me, one of them put talon scratch marks down the length of my face. Totally frantic in the nest trying to catch two chicks at the same time. Fun stuff.
Anyway, I hope you are feeling well and wish you continued strength.
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JOEY.F
Social climber
sebastopol
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Feb 19, 2011 - 10:08pm PT
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Paul, great update, I do not know how how you manage to write so eloquelontly in that much pain.
The only thing for me that comes kinda close is one of those mega migraines. For hours, I would rather die. I go all tripping away while the pain thuds.
Sending a mental belay while you are head climbing.
OTEASTD, cool story and pics.
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SCseagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz
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Feb 20, 2011 - 08:19pm PT
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Hey Paul and Ruth...Hope your Sunday is going well. Small break from the storm here in Santa Cruz. I just woke up from a wonderful nap, brewed my cuppa tea and thinking of you ... hoping you are getting some peaceful rest. During my recovery I haven't been able to do Bikram yoga but discovered "restorative yoga" ohhhhhhhh it's been wonderful.
Are the new meds helping to shrink the tumor? I so hope so. With all my heart and soul. Susan
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okaythatsme
climber
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Feb 21, 2011 - 02:39pm PT
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We have some strong built-in survival mechanisms. I remember yours to be pretty innovative in adapting towards situations: from your sense of humor to your high tolerance towards pain and medications. None of us can fully fit into the "cookie cutter" assessments of those professionals who have only known us for a few minutes (or seconds).
Your climbs you have taken are as real as anything. I wish I could see them. Actually, I probably will see them in my dreams. One may not feel it, see it or sense it (the body can only do so much) but I believe we are all connected beyond our understanding. Strangely enough, but I remember your telling me a story of a climber looking at the crux and saying, "Here comes the pain..." and going for it. Get through that crux. I wish the pain to subside and for you to be following that deer to some exciting routes to explore. With love to you and Ruth.
-marcella
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Gal
Trad climber
a semi lucid consciousness
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Feb 21, 2011 - 02:45pm PT
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I hope your new trial meds are beginning to take hold and make a difference. You keep upping the ante with your writing-insightful, and I don't know how to describe this, but once I start reading, I read from beginning to end... engrossing is the word. Keep fighting, and keep writing-you have talent!
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