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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Feb 28, 2009 - 04:52am PT
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HI, I'm answering to end a few misconceptions and that's about it.
I'm not in any real pain. I have enough ilquid diluadid on hand to do myself in if it came to that ,but I'm not interested in checking out til the better better end.
''Dilaudid and I get along very well and I don;t want to abuse teh relationship LOL< it works, doesn hot constipate of r give weirdhalucinations (l=ike I get from morphine) and I really don;t need stronger, althoug hI can easily get anything I want for pain relief. I am not in pain.
I am not afraid to die, almost did that when I had the reaction to cmeo monoclilal antobidl several yearesa ago, and death is just suprisingly not that scary, even when you KNOW it is coing asn can see and feel it happening, as in. body disconnectl ;ligkt h at endo of tunnle and aoo taht stuff you hear, well it's true, but it aint spirirual at all, and it does not hurt, It;s like a conversation with yourself reviewing your life, and agreeing to try not to die but accepting the very real possibility thtaiit is about to happen. Not jesus, no devil, no god made any appearnce I am glad to say. IT woudl be hard since they do not exist so there, that's that.
reapeat: death is not scary, but I'm really not willing or ready to go, I just hav no choice.
Both lobes of htmy liver a "full of cncer" is the lastest report. I am in hopsice, but the ocologist is workign overtime to fond a possible treatment. O do meed a miracle, but I feel that if prayer worked I'd be well by now with all the people who say htey are prayijng over the matter.
Too bad god does not exist, cause I could use the help, even from a jerk like I imagine him to be. If yo uare offended by my views on god and religion, too bad, deal with it. I do. It woudl certainnly be nice to beleive, but that is about as effective ad beleiveing in the easter bunny. It's really too bad that this life is all there is, but that IS life, so LIVE the one you GOT RIGHT NOW. That;s what I try to do, although a bit badly lately, for obvious reasons.
I really feel like wrigning this is a bit like catering to rubber neckers at a wreack on the highway, and that is about all I really am to most of you. NO offense inteneded, that's just hte way life is.
THos of you I have actually met, maybe it;as little different and I am sure many of you are sincere peopple in your depth of concern, but the reality is I am just words ona screen, not real person, although I would have lieked to meet many of you and been real friends.
maybeone or two will learn something about early detection adn warning signs from aall I ahve e=written about cancer, I really hope so, because then my time here woudl haer been well spent if just one peron could avoind what I amd going though. that would be meaningful.
I do think we all want to do something meaningful, at least I hope that's true, because I woudl rather the world not be such a cynical mecenary me me me place.
one is in life alone no matter what it seems.
take it for what it's worth.
As for climbing i was very lucky to have the rihgt mind and build for it, and to meet all the right people ant the right time. I realrely ever had a bad partner, and I count among my frineds in climbing, my good friends who I got do to probably more FAs that most givent hte number of years and time out, shannon stegg and jim Corbett amd Jeff Noffsinger, and the late great Jim Okel truly a great climber adn a great human being, and Bob COrmany, the reclusive hobbit like creature who told John sherman to get lost when sherman called about putting bob in one of his books, LOL-- don;t worry, they later bacame good pals, but what a funny story it is. Somehao again Bob and I just hit it off from first contack, nad I am prooud to say that he showed me a few of hse secret problems and I was actually able to do a few of em, and then whe nhye fould out how sick I was he went back and did em a few weeka ago a aa sort of memorial to me, whic h is touching , nad a much nicer way to be remembered that tha guy dyong from cancer. And one friend I learned a great deal from Arno,who is problaby the best climber with the fewest natural physical gifts I ever saw, who accompishes wonders based on his thinkng ability and being efficient and is truly gifted at passing what he has learned on to others. make no mistake, This is a HUGE compliment in my book. I give Arno far more credit that someohe who has a lot of natural pysical gifts.. what arno does is what we could all do if we are willing to learn. That is the highest position one can have- to realise one's full potential, and Arno definately has a good grip on how to do it himself as well as how to help others do the same.
Jeff Lowe is another climber I did get to meet, although we never got to climb togather, and I ahve to say he impressed me as a great and noble and ala round incredible human being, a pleasure to meet and talk with, and someone I wish I could have been long term friends with.
And or course htere is my pal RRK, who if I had listened to in the 70]s adn treind theis idiotic sport of climbing we'd both be long dead, becase he can't place gear as well as a retarded cockroach and at the time he first asked I was weighing 118 pounds and was fearless and stupid, prone to wreaking sports cares and walking away unhurt like a real dumbass (which I was ans still am only to a slightly lesser degree) and would have tried anything just because it was there.. RRK is the funniest man laive and you ahve tobe carfeul not to die laught when in hos presence, but if you do go climbing with him DO NOT trust his gear placements, periond, and DO NOT let him fall oh you, ans he is a big boy climber and can do considerable damage with a little help from gravity.
Jeff, about the guitar playing, you'll either haveto come visit, and you are welcome to do it, or you can try to get a copy of a cd or two that are inexistene, you might know someone hwo has one, and I'll allow you a copy. Try Mark blanchard, I beleive you might know him. I'd rahter you visit are get the new one as it will be a lot longer and better, or you could try toget the last htree years of the Fretted Instruent Cheistmans CD, whicn I am on wiht one track each year. THowe carols are pretty good, and although the arrangenemts re min the music is public doman adn the CD is normally free for the asking nad invitation only to the players, so tyeh are not bad, but or course my track is usually the best LOL, of course. Fretted Instruments is a music store in Birmingham alabama run by nasty old (but livable curmudgeley) Heb Trottman, who cant retire bacuse nobody could ru the store like he does, (famous quote: " I'll do the right thing, I may not like it but I'll do the right thing" and he always does. Everyone who like guitars and curmdgeons shouodo at least visit Fretted instruments and meet Herb, it's an experience to remember. NA you cna tease him about beinga bajo player, which is almost mandatory, ans bajo player need constant reminding of their inherent inferiority ort they don't feel right.
OK , what a long ramblind screed this turned out to be.
maybe simene laughed, maybe you found out what you wnated to knonw, and I hope I pissed of some holy rollers cause htey need it, but enough for now.
maybe I cna get back and write some more if anyone in interested adn I feel up to it.
Frankly I di not liek the ywa super topo had gone the last few years, it had gottne too big and full of too many topoics for me to keep up with.
I really do wish I could meet mighty Hiker AKA anders, and give him more crap about trip reports and hiw wimpy cat, and make no mistake, I really di like anders, I think he must be e fine fellow, who probably would not lieke a dedicated curmudegeon (that worda again, how it fits, liek a glove, TI badn I will never gaing the age needed to gain exalted grand high cretchety old cumdgeon status, alas)) like me very much, but I'll take my chances there.
And to all those guys who offe3red to do climbs if I coudl get out west , I am sorely sad that it isn't going to be possible. I would have loved to do it, and I really would have liked to struggle upthat hourglas thing wiht Tarbaby, but, that's life.
I do wihs those whi give Jennie crap woudl stop, whidh will ahve all theeffect of farting into a hurricaaane, but I'm pretty sure Jennie as a good person, who just needs to ditch the damend momons nad persue her raltioship wiht her god on her own.
And I ahve to say poor lois, doomed to be a blindered republocan dimwit, is otherwise probably fine, if a bit thick headed on almost avery thing , and truly the emily latella of ST. Etertainement value like no hter is Lois, if yo ucan bear the frustration. I still feel pain for poor Karl over the Loising point.
Ack, it got even longer and more rambling.
Oh well, jsut remember, I am calvin, of calvin and hobbes, just bigger and older, with out that tiger. sand more complicated, unfortunately.
Don;t strain your brain worring overme, i'm not worth it. But I do make a fine cartoon character, if you know hte whole story.
UNfortuantely I can;t blame this oddddddd thinc called dirtinieye on drugged behavior, I'd be even worse without hte drugs, I make no exuses and no appologies, I come as I am, take it or leave it, but generally unless you are a hard core right wing nit republican I and harmeless.
I hopw you are aas thouroughly confused now as I am, which was not my intent, but somehow it workes out htat way most of the time.
Have a nice life, in fact, try tro make your life nice, that's my parting advice, because if you don't nobody else will.
Ind Fish still smells. bastard never did answer my questions about his gear, whic as ti turend out I never woudl hae used anyway, whihc is sad, cause I bet some if ot is pretty good, and If I were well I'd bend over and by the double rope bag even though the guy is a jerk, so there. yet another curmudgen, nad we soert of have to stsick togeter admiiting it as litle as possible, as it were.
Yeates gear is better, and he was nice to me, so Nyah. hah. Shameless plug for bets harness ever yates shield, nad here to the yeats three aider system, nad his wall ladders. my they never twist and talnge, wihch they don't ine are now the property of Shannon stegg, along with allmy other good gear, including the famous TI pins, which will dpoubltless be stolen but cluesll f*#king idiots, of which htere seem to be an unending supply coimging into climbing from gymes nad sprot areas every day.
A hearty hurrah for all adventureclimbers everywhere who don;t geive a fukc about hte guid bookds or being inone, even though they tend to wind up there. YOu are tghe heart of climbing.
A pos on healy J for not fininshing the stupid be all end all hammer of doom beifer I die, so I could actually use one at least once, even though my specialty was alwasy to trcik the other duy into doint hte nailing and drilling. I still wanted that stupid hammer. Just in case thereis an after life, womoen let me know if the theing is orgasmic to swing, that is if they ever do come into existance.
Anyway, I'm aboout dead for real. So sorry to dissapoing all those whit thought i was faking, LOL. I wish htat were so. I'd rather be a lying manipulative scumbag that dead, given the coulce, but, I'm not nad I'm not.
YOu'll just have to find womeone else to think your stupid thoughts about.
Poor HK, please don;t driver yourslf nuts. dearst G gordon Liddy,aka Pito ron, yeah, you suck, but problably not taht bad, we actually could be friends if you could stand me out shooting you with ease. Would live to have had hte chance to demonstrate. DHooting is fun, and most people who shoot are reasonably decnet folk I;ve found. hey that includes you! I still don;t see you you reaiseds such ire in some ofhte denizens of ST, I thought they were unduly harsh to you at leasst a few times, but, that;s the interenst and people. so f*#k em.
If I elfet anoyon out, I'm sorry.
Sctually there's a good chance that if I left you out it cause I really didn;t ahve anyting good to say so you're better off.
There's also a chance that I left out people I pretty much loiekd as much as you can like someone from internet only conteact , so I'm sorry for that. THe truth is I really try to like most people, and usually succeed in person, . though you'd never guess from how I post on teh internet.
Oh well, nobody's perfect.
Good bye.
Oh yeah, beare gossip. it rarely is true and usually leasds to wrong conclusions. BUt peopel do love it. Go figure.
Bye forreal now.
Of course I was goingto call mine (Healy J hammer) Molinjar. I guess I tend to think of myself as some sort of god after all LOL.
OOPS specoal poke at Jim ewing , for never making the magic doubles that hold tons of falls, give a soft catch and wont; cut. I really wanted those ropes dude. Shame on you.
Special thanks ro Rgold for all the really good math explanations of climbing stuff, once upon a time pre cheom I was an up and coming mathenmatician, but chemo and a bad choce adn anti depressanted ended tath. Ling live PDE and all that new stuff with fraectals and strange attactors and fractional exponents, I could have lived that stuff if only I'd made a few beter choices. At least I got to hang with a few real world class mathenaticians thanke to a department head who had more faith im me that I deserved. It's wild to be surroudned by guys who were the first to do soehing ina field, to discover new ideas in varousl aspects of math, wow. Glad I at least got to be there for a bit.
OK, REALLY bye now.
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healyje
Trad climber
Portland, Oregon
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Feb 28, 2009 - 05:10am PT
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Damn, Dirt, sorry we didn't get to meet - I would have liked that as one sandstone curmudgeon to another. Yeah, the damn hammer thing has been moving at a glacial pace - but it is still creeping along - finally have the real handle factory now and will be having Ajax requote the heads shortly. Have to say, though, I'd feel guilty about arming you for the voyage into the great unknown given you're already dangerous.
Where is this hospice you're at...?
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Hardman Knott
Gym climber
Muir Woods National Monument, Mill Valley, Ca
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Feb 28, 2009 - 05:13am PT
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Curt - I will always drive myself nuts - it's the only way I know.
As one Creepy Old Guy™ to another - you better knott die just yet you bastard,
because you will be missed very much - whether you believe it or knott.
I've always respected you, although I disagreed with much of your bombastic prose.
Hang in there, bro - there are still plenty of naive nubiles to terrorize!
David Buchanan
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Blowboarder
Boulder climber
Back in the mix
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Feb 28, 2009 - 05:44am PT
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Curt, reading that was hard man, really hard. Shame you never made it out to the PNW, I had a route picked out we could go FA and call Revenge of The Clown Suit or some equally silly sh#t.
Not much for prayers but you're in my thoughts.
Cheers,
Pasha
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darod
Big Wall climber
South Side Billburg
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Feb 28, 2009 - 09:58am PT
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Dirt, thanks for the post. Brutal honesty doesn't come any better than that.
Rubbernecker i might be, who gives a sh#t.
I wish you peace.
darod.
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noshoesnoshirt
climber
dangling off a wind turbine in a town near you
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Feb 28, 2009 - 10:03am PT
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You seem to be strong.
As Robinson Jeffers said, he would rather drink life to the bitter dregs than end it willingly.
Fight the good fight, there is always hope.
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hossjulia
Trad climber
Eastside
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Feb 28, 2009 - 10:11am PT
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ditto darod, I felt privileged to be able to read this post.
Curmudgeons are worth listening to, they speak from experience.
Thanks Dirt, and have a good one, OK?
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survival
Big Wall climber
A Token of My Extreme
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Feb 28, 2009 - 10:58am PT
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Thanks dirt, it's not often that you get to read something like a friend letter/manifesto.
I don't want to call it a final goodbye, but I guess in truth, it might not be far from it. I'm glad you're not in pain. It is weird to see the drug waivering your consciousness, or at least your care in typing, because I can see it move back and forth.
It was readable none the less.
Thank you.
Bruce Birchell
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Dick_Lugar
Trad climber
Indiana (the other Mideast)
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Feb 28, 2009 - 12:54pm PT
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Hey Dirt,
I really enjoyed your letter above. You may have just been words on the computer screen, but we all have gotten to know you through your brute honesty and entertaining personality. We all know there's a real person behind the words dealing with a real disease. The greatest gift you've given to me is to remind me that we are all mortal and as you say "Live life NOW". Thank you for that gift. Your attitude and courage facing bleak odds is both inspirational and humbling. I'm glad you're not in much pain and hope the rest of your journey is pain free and peaceful.
Frank
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:00pm PT
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this stuff is making me cry.
thank goodness that one person did benefit from this, good luck with the scope. I'm a little happier for that.
I really did love climbing I hat e to leave it.
gotta go
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Jello
Social climber
No Ut
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:03pm PT
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Damn, Dirt, you've got me laughing and crying, thinking and sighing, cursing and praying (in my own fashion - for you), all at the same time. The Curt shines through the Dirt! You, my friend, are the proverbial one-of-a-kind (thank the God that doesn't exist). Thanks for the tips on obtaining some of your tune-magic; I'll follow through. But, I'd really like to see you before you go. If RRK or someone could meet me at the airport with a wheelchair and chauffeur me to and from the place where you are, I'd love to come out and hang for a bit with you. Pass a little time, as it were, since we both have so much of it...hehehe (of course, in truth, none of us has very much time in this life).
RRK, can you help me out, or help me find someone who can?
-Jeff
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Jaybro
Social climber
wuz real!
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:10pm PT
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That was as poignant as it gets, Dirtman!
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Dropline
Mountain climber
Somewhere Up There
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:15pm PT
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Curt, maybe not just one person will benefit from your experience and words.
A friend and I have been working on a new business idea that's essentially about informing people of the heretofore unpublicized risks of many products that are legally on the market. It's a color coded product awareness system that would help consumers make quick informed decisions about the risk level of products when in the grocery store, hardware store, garden center, or wherever.
We don't yet know if we can get the idea to fly or not, but a major motivation is our desire to help people reduce their risk of cancer, and your story adds a lot of fuel to that fire.
Thanks for the inspiration.
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dirtbag
climber
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:21pm PT
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Wishing the best for you, Other Dirt. I hope things work out as best they can.
If this is goodbye, know that we will miss you and think fondly of you.
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Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:33pm PT
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I'll morn you when you actually check out, Dirtineye... until then, I count on you to give me a bit of hell...
I will wish you good luck with the current crisis. Sounds like that's what it will take.
Keeping it real for us, in your own distinct style.
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RRK
Trad climber
Talladega, Al
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:35pm PT
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Jello - can do - make your travel plans and I'll make the catch. Huel Love Jr., PO Box 1079 Talladega, Al 35161 (256) 761-1863 hueljr@bellsouth.net
I'll get back with you in a second - I've got dirt on the phone trying to educate me on his guitars
rrk
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:42pm PT
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Hmmm.... this inspires me to go brew some coffee.
Locker, want seconds? ;-)
seriously though... keep those pipes clean.
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Jello
Social climber
No Ut
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:43pm PT
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Cool, Huel! My daughter's here for the weekend, so it'll probably be Monday or Tuesday, or soonest I can get a cheap flight. Check your e-mail a bit later.
-Jello
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RRK
Trad climber
Talladega, Al
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Feb 28, 2009 - 01:56pm PT
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I've got Wednesday blocked off to go over early and stay late being dirt's sound engineer but anytime is ok
Kenny
back now from my 1-900-EATDIRT "dirt-lesson" both older and wiser (today's subjects were wide-ranging, from guitars to Republicans). I would disagree with Dirt's assertion earlier in this thread that nothing lies beyond this life. I may have said this before. Much of what we do not understand can be explained in terms of our observation of natural processes which we do understand. My model for whatever lies beyond is based upon the life cyle of the butterfly (or as much of it as we know). Does the caterpillar know that it will become a butterfly? The fact is that when the metamorphasis occurs the life that was the caterpillar is gone, yet the life that was in the caterpillar lives on as the butterfly. Our own "metamorphasis" may follow a similar path and yet be as uknown to us as the butterfly is to the caterpillar.
If the Bhuddists are on the right track then I predict Dirt's return as a fire ant. (That ought be good for a dirty rant)
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Feb 28, 2009 - 02:34pm PT
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sounds like this is going to happen and that will be great. it seems we are both on really short time, we'd better go as soon as possible. there's a wheelchair here and a nice bed too come on down fast.
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