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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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"Knock, knock"
"Who's there?"
"Interrupting cow"
"Interrupting c--"
"MOOOO!!!!"
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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After a few shots in a bar, an irate man stands up and yells, "All lawyers are fukcing as#@&%es!"
Another pipes in, "I resent that!"
"Are you a lawyer?"
"No, I am an as#@&%e."
What do you get when you cross a poodle with an elephant?
A dead poodle, split in half.
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mike bodine
climber
bishop, ca
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what do you call a prostitute with a runny nose?
full.
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Pennsylenvy
Gym climber
A dingy corner in your refrigerator
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For Nature.......
Why did the chicken cross the basketball court????????
........because he heard the ref was blowing fowls..
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Evel
Trad climber
Nedsterdam CO
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how do you stop a dog from humping your leg?
pick it up and blow it
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JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
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How do you get two violists to play in tune?
Shoot one.
John
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Mighty Hiker
climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Nine out of seven economists agree on the causes of the recession.
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Gary
climber
Desolation Basin, Calif.
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I'd post a joke, but I'm busier than a one-armed sheila with crabs.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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"I got me one of them ant farms?
Them fellas didn't grow sh1t!"
--Mitch Hedberg
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Reeotch
Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
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What's the difference between Sarah Palin's mouth and her vagina?
Only one retarted thing has ever come out of her vagina . . .
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Reeotch
Trad climber
Kayenta, AZ
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The republicans are changing their symbol from an elephant to a condom, because it stands for inflation, stops production, protects a bunch of pricks, and gives you a sence of security even though you know you're getting screwed . . .
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Peter Haan
Trad climber
San Francisco, CA
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I am surprised no one has cited the great comedian Steven Wright yet. King of the short surreal joke.
Plan to be spontaneous tomorrow
The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
For every action, there is an equal and opposite criticism.
Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
Dancing is a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire.
If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
Everyone has a photographic memory. Some just don't have film.
Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
OK, so what's the speed of dark?
I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time". So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
Cross country skiing is great if you live in a small country.
If God dropped acid, would he see people?
When I turned two I was really anxious, because I'd doubled my age in a year. I thought, if this keeps up, by the time I'm six I'll be ninety.
I had my coathangers spayed.
Droughts are because god didn't pay his water bill.
I took a course in speed waiting. Now I can wait an hour in only ten minutes.
If you were going to shoot a mime, would you use a silencer?
You can't have everything. Where would you put it?
A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feel so good.
Half the people you know are below average.
Drugs may lead to nowhere, but at least it's the scenic route
I hate it when my foot falls asleep during the day because that means it's going to be up all night.
When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me, "Did you sleep good?" I said, "No, I made a few mistakes."
My girlfriend does her nails with white-out. When she's asleep, I go over there and write misspelled words on them.
One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said, "Didn't you
see the stop sign?" I said, "Yeah, but I don't believe everything I read."
I love to go shopping. I love to freak out salespeople. They ask me if they can help me, and I say, "Have you got anything I'd like?" Then they ask me
what size I need, and I say, "Extra medium."
I was in the grocery store. I saw a sign that said "pet supplies". So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said "compact cars"
http://www.weather.net/zarg/ZarPages/stevenWright.html
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Weenis
Trad climber
Tel Aviv
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Q: What does a sixteen year old girl from Mariposa say after her first sexual experience?
A: Get off me dad, you're crushin' my smokes.
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originalpmac
Mountain climber
Anywhere I like
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Chicken and an egg are lying on a bed. The egg is sobbing, and the chicken is smoking a cigarette, Chicken says, "Well, that answers that question"
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Chaz
Trad climber
greater Boss Angeles area
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"Wnere do you think I got the twelve inch pianist?"
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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^^Dude - I already said that one! ^^
A horse walks into a bar, the bartender says: "Hey, buddy! Why the long face?"
Where does the one-legged waitress work? IHOP!
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Brokedownclimber
Trad climber
Douglas, WY
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Only 99% of the lawyers give all the rest a bad name.
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MisterE
Social climber
Bouncy Tiggerville
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Jul 10, 2010 - 01:53am PT
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I had to quit watching public television...
too much sax and violins.
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T2
climber
Cardiff by the sea
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Jul 11, 2010 - 04:03pm PT
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What kind of bears have no teeth?
Gummie Bears
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Jingy
Social climber
Nowhere
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Jul 12, 2010 - 12:17am PT
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brains are never a handicap to a girl if she hides them under a see through blouse.
I wasn't kissing your daughter sir......... I was whispering in her mouth.
Women who can, do. Those that can't become feminists.
An open marriage is Nature's way of telling you that you need a divorce.
What do I think of Volkswagons? I've been in bigger women.
The trick with a woman is to get rid of her while sge thinks she's getting rid of you.
Men who don't understand women fall into two groups: bachelors and husbands.
If it's wet dry it. If it's dry wet it. Congratulations, you are now a gynaecologist.
Outside every thin woman is a fat woman trying to get in.
The most difficult year of marriage is the one you are in.
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