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o-man
Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
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Sep 11, 2015 - 10:12pm PT
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Bob and Jill are on their first date.
Bob: Tell me something about your self Jill.
Jill: Well Bob, I don't have AIDS.
Bob: That's a relief, I sure would hate to catch that s..t again !
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o-man
Social climber
Paia,Maui,HI
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Sep 12, 2015 - 11:06am PT
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George Carlin:
The paradox of our time in history is that we have taller buildings but shorter tempers, wider Freeways, but narrower viewpoints. We spend more, but have less, we buy more, but enjoy less. We have bigger houses and smaller families, more conveniences, but less time. We have more degrees but less sense, more knowledge, but less judgment, more experts, yet more problems, more medicine, but less wellness.
We drink too much, smoke too much, spend too recklessly, laugh too little, drive too fast, get too angry, stay up too late, get up too tired, read too little, watch TV too much, and pray too seldom.
We have multiplied our possessions, but reduced our values. We talk too much, love too seldom, and hate too often.
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mouse from merced
Trad climber
The finger of fate, my friends, is fickle.
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Sep 12, 2015 - 06:29pm PT
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The science teacher calls on MooseDrool to tell what he's learned about bees and wasps.
"First, the bees pollinate crops. Then you can make honey. Bees help to improve the environment. And bees are reluctant to sting."
"Very succinct. What have you to say to us about wasps?"
"Oh, they're just as#@&%es."
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Larry Nelson
Social climber
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Sep 12, 2015 - 08:51pm PT
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Bubba was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the shadows.
'Twenty dollars' she whispers.
Bubba had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the heck,it's only twenty bucks, so they hide in the bushes.
They're in there for only a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer.
'What's going on here, people?' asks the officer.
'I'm making love to my wife!,' Bubba answers sounding annoyed.
'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know'
'Bubba says, "Well, neither did I, til ya shined that light in her face.
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d-know
Trad climber
electric lady land
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Sep 13, 2015 - 07:47am PT
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The chief.
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clinker
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, California
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Sep 13, 2015 - 08:28am PT
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A guy makes a trip to China looking for relocation sites for his company to lower labor and production costs. Shortly after his return he comes down with a severe rash and immediately sees a physician. "The prognosis is not good." says the doctor, "it will have to be cut off". Horrified, he seeks a second opinion but gets the same diagnosis.
Desperate he decides to go to the source and sees a Chinese doctor. With a strong accent the Chinese doctor informs him "I have seen this before".
"Well, can you do anything?" "The other doctors said they would have to cut it off!"
"These American doctors, are always cut, cut, cut."
"So you can do something?"
"No, it will fall off by itself."
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stunewberry
Trad climber
Spokane, WA
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Oct 10, 2015 - 11:25am PT
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Two potatoes are standing on the corner. How can you tell which one is the prostitute?
It has a sticker that says "I DA HO"
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philo
climber
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Oct 10, 2015 - 11:33am PT
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Elderly couple is sitting in a crowded church during a sermon when the elderly lady leans towards her husband and whispers "I just had a silent fart".
The elderly man leans away from his wife and says " change the battery in your hearing aid".
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Jay Wood
Trad climber
Land of God-less fools
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Oct 11, 2015 - 04:55pm PT
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A priest, a rabbi, a lawyer, a blonde, a redneck, & a dog walk into a bar.
The bartender looks up and says "Is this some kind of joke?"
What's the quickest way to a man's heart?
Through the chest wall with a sharp knife.
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whitemeat
Trad climber
San Luis Obispo, CA
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Oct 11, 2015 - 05:27pm PT
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Joke 1
Wanna hear a joke about pizza?
Na it's too chessy.
Joke 2
What did the two oceans say to each other?
Nothing, they just waved..
Joke 3
You ever hear the one about the broken pencil?
Aw, there's no point...
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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The joke's in your hand.
Seen adorning the walls above many urinals across the land.
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Scott07
Sport climber
SugarPine
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What did one hat say to the other hat? You stay here I'll go on ahead
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insatiable
Mountain climber
santa cruz, ca
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Why was the math book depressed?
Because it was full of problems.
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H
Mountain climber
there and back again
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I was just sent these. Very clever:
I tried to catch some fog. But I mist.
When chemists die, they barium.
Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.
The soldier that survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.
I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid. But he says he can stop anytime.
How does Moses make his tea? Hebrews it.
I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me.
This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore.
I'm reading a book about anti-gravity. I just can't put it down.
I did a theatrical performance about puns. It was a play on words.
They told me I had type A blood, but it was a typo.
A dyslexic man walked into a bra.
When you get a bladder infection, urine trouble.
I didn't like my mustache at first. Then it grew on me.
A cross-eyed teacher lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils.
What does a clock do when it's hungry? It goes back four seconds.
I wondered why the ball was getting bigger. Then it hit me!
What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary? A thesaurus.
England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool.
I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest.
I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx.
All the toilets in London police stations have been stolen. Police say they have nothing to go on.
I took the job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.
Broken pencils are pointless.
Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy.
Velcro -- what a rip off!
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7SacredPools
Trad climber
Ontario, Canada
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Not sure if this has been posted...
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh...ok
God: holy sh#t, I'm joking!
Abraham: umm...
God: I'll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Dec 10, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
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Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Dec 10, 2015 - 01:47pm PT
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What did the leper say to the hooker?
"Keep the tip"
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NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
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Dec 10, 2015 - 01:49pm PT
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What did zero say to eight?
"Nice belt"
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