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wootles
climber
Gamma Quadrant
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the multitude of bumps designed specifically for her...
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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Well not long after she noted the bumps the minster, Rev. Russ Walling, appeared to remind everyone: there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
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Mimi
climber
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"There are pitchers and there are catchers," the Reverand added.
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WandaFuca
Gym climber
San Fernando Lamas
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Meanwhile, Charley Porter was racing across the barren icy wastes near his lonely Antarctic research station. Charley was in pursuit of a band of terrorists intent on destroying all civilization on Earth.
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WandaFuca
Gym climber
San Fernando Lamas
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For these terrorists none of the doomsday scenarios were playing out fast enough, so they had develped an allotrope of water which they called Steam-9.
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WandaFuca
Gym climber
San Fernando Lamas
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But just as Charley was closing on the terrorists in their rocky stronghold in the Orvin Fjella range, he was surrounded by thousands of murderous Peng-bots and Alba-troids.
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WandaFuca
Gym climber
San Fernando Lamas
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Charley thought to himself, well, I guess the gig is up, but unbeknownst to him his earlier message to Patagonia had gotten through and now a host of ambassadors in wingsuits were flying to his rescue shouting . . .
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MisterE
Social climber
RimDweller, AZ
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"We just got fired! Got any work?"...
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Steve Grossman
Trad climber
Seattle, WA
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or "Wanda, you really are supposed to wait for the other kids you know?" At any rate, Porter's winged henchmen swooped down grabbing Batso and Beasto and spirited them upwards to the Notch where they were horrified to find......
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Tarbuster
climber
right here, right now
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yet even as Wanda prattled on Beasto had unintentionaly yielded a sliver of that marvelous cleavage to Glen Denny (or so she made it seem), only then did the firm snap of his shutter interrupt the quiet breach of camp 4 air, at that hour breathed heavily by the guys stepping out of...
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WandaFuca
Gym climber
San Fernando Lamas
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Steve Grossman's spleen.
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Tarbuster
climber
right here, right now
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bwahaha!
Screached Industrial Sue, who'd been dreaming all of this at that very moment, yet in truth to the wider view it was a shard of imagery drifting from...
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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a wet t-shirt contest.
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Tahoe climber
Trad climber
a dark-green forester out west
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which she won, her industry being silicone...and then:
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nature
climber
Flagstaff, AZ
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she noted the Muffin Man, who turned to her and spoke: "Some people... some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say there is naught nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of gods grey Earth as that prince of foods... the muffin!"
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Mimi
climber
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Girl you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didnt know nuthin
Girl you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin
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Chico
Trad climber
Mt. Shasta, CA
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All of a sudden the telephone rang...
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Ed Hartouni
Trad climber
Livermore, CA
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ok... this has gone on a long time... here is the whole text, make of it what you will...
by the way, it is damn hard to get the tape off the "5th appendage" without doing serious damage.
The SuperTopo story... warning, explicit
The ranger wouldn?t listen to reason, and cited me for
Having a gun in the vehicle.
luckily, he didn't find my other one.
when all of a sudden
and kidnapped el capitan!
Bear 46 hopped in the ranger's cruiser and started chasing him around the Camp 4 parking lot.
then I said to myself..."damn i really need a Maitai!"
to go with my inflatable sheep
So off we went to party in the trunk of Werner's Falcon, but someone had
closed it for nesting.
Just as we were walking over to rob the Mountain Room bar, we heard
el cap crying out for help!
And a roar went up, "Free El Cap."
Half Dome, still distraught after being fired, was drunk and thought El Cap was taunting her
with the terrorists
Meanwhile Middle Cathedral had been watching this whole scene unfold and
took the opportunity to...
dislodge a rock onto Werner's car, causing him to
light up a cigarette, shrug, and say "karma happens". Meanwhile...
When Half Dome suddenly returned to the Valley after being kicked out.
So we all grabbed our biggest tri-cams for weapons and
headed down to Stoney Point...
to consult with Largo.
But Largo was strung out in Nicotine withdrawal, so we
loaded up more tri-cams.
So we called "Offwidth Ed"
Meanwhile, Half Dome...
for his serious scientific intellect
but he was busy phucking the inflatable sheep for his webcam. Alas we had to call in...
Juan de Fuca and his fleet of intrepid avatars...
the Cathedral Spires.
I tell you we all laughed till we cried.
Especially at the inflatable sheep. They were all....
getting a bit jealous of the attention to the rock
the rumored to be hardmen were paying to said rock...
because Offwidth Ed was jamming with his "fifth appendage"
which he taped methodically
without a helmut
but at least he had lube!
scince Ed didn't show we called the Fish
And then the Cathedral Rocks suggested a four-way with the Lower Brother.
Which got the attention of Werner and his YOSAR team...
Which caused Hawkman's Escape.
Ed's lube proved useful for El Cap to effect a slippery, but sccessful escape from the terrorists. Meanwhile,
but intneso man realized there was only one way to clear this up-
"Okay everyone, take off your ..."
pants! But my ass was still sore from the sound tri-cam thrashing it had received!
#46 had run out of gas and become hungry
That's when Lower Spire, for once, became, well, the HIGHER spire, if you know what I mean.
Then Bear 46 spotted the inflatable sheep.
and SS gave it to him and gave it to him good! Meanwhile offwith Ed and his webcam...
sought the advice of a shrink
had found crimpy and HER webcam which caused
Everyone to want to find some Sushi...
Whilst everyone was distracted by the said goings on, the terrorists had seized control of?the entire Valley supply of Old E 800
and Elephant Malt
Luckily the potent brew was too much for the terrorists...
thus there was a nice surplus of milk for poor little Werner
who smoked all the camels
then hurried over to see what was up with Lower Brothter...
Who by now was feeling pretty low, knowing there was no malt liquor left in the Valley.
Unbeknownest to el cap and half dome and right under their very eyes, the inflatable sheep had a two headed baby whose father was either bear 46 or one of the terrorist who turned out to really just be wankers from rockclimbing.com who wouldn't really know how to terrorize anything except children and potbelly pigs.
At that very second two base jumpers, with a cadre of lammas in drag jumped from that way sketchy spot on
Woody's Crotch.
Just then, Medium Sue showed up for a photoshoot-off with the terrorist, trouncing them soundly
She had really big tri-cams, too.
When from on high was heard a mysterious sound, a sound unlike anything they'd ever heard before, and so they all froze.
froze the way they did before, the way they always will... the way they do when OUCH! fires up photoshop
while snorting substance 42 off a truck stop tranny's taint
is that the twhap twhap twhap of a Navy Ship overhead?
Meanwhile, back in the Valley, the Llamas make their way to the base of El Cap
only to find 42 eating porcupine rolls
and smoking Salvia Divinium
The llamas were really undercover FBI agents looking for a crashed helicopter purported to be loaded with green bud which was headed to the.....
land of the unknown
Supertopoian Censor
The land of the unknown was reputed to be the secret rendezvous point for a group of gun toting drug crazy nymphonmanical climbers known to ingest raw fish by the boatload while.....opps wrong storyline
goal was to set the story straight.
Unfortunately, someone had already infiltrated the ST offices, and all off the ?delete? keys had been stolen! To make matters worse, Chris Mac had been stuffed into...
a sushi roll to be consumed at sushifest
with copious amounts of wasabi
and with loads of white juicy
and sticky...
horseradish to give it the double whammy.
The inflatable sheep begin to salivate
and of course we all laughed till we cried once more.
however tears turned back to joy when Lois arrived with the cheese.
The cheese had a green rind
which was the first clue that it was not, in fact, cheese.
but it had a certain texture, like tiny little nativity scenes....
Then out of nowhere, someone *cut* the cheese
"you better be the ONLY son of god" Joseph says aloud this time.
And Joseph disappeared along with the cheese-cutter, leaving only the cheese miracle behind in his wake. The onlookers stared at it, El Cap now seeming insignificant by comparison...
at which point Werner, Bear 46 and Ouch realized they might be related
We'll need a sample, said the District Attorney
as the jury sat stunned in the courtroom, faced again with the trial of the century - with only the cheese miracle, El Cap's disappearance, and the Werner-Ouch-Bear 46 DNA match as evidence.
if But the DA had it all wrong! Poor Werner had been set up and while he faced the possibility of life on death row, Michael Jackson continued to piddle poor PTPP.
which, in a moment of irony, gave the remaining Jacskon 5 the crabs
Then post-coital depression set in and Bear 46 and Ouch both slumped in their chairs towards Werners middle.
"The Crab" was rather crowded with the Jackson 5 all on PTPP's ledge, and all the El Cap bigwallers turned off their boom boxes that day and listened to a stunning live performance.
Right about that time, Werner solos by, and with a side glance at teh ledge party...and comments..
" Have you seen Ammond?......I got a bad case of the karmas!"
And then..."my karma ran over your dogma...mama..."
However, Werner's strength slowly saps, falls into metabolic distress due to last nights Twinkie soiree' and ....
Werner awoke in time to be Mimi's defense attorney so that she could get her weapon back to force all of the above to a tight huddle on top of the angry Lost Arrow.
Then Werner truly awoke...and found it was all a dream within a dream within a Freddy Krueger movie...
..and at that very moment, Dan Blocker arrived with lasso in hand.
He was singing the theme song for "Branded," too!
Hoss and Little Joe were amazed when Mimi shot the inflatable sheep from a thousand yards with her mighty .22 revolver.
Blocker said "i'm ready to climb El Cap with my lasso and I've got a haul bag full of ESS's for food"
Naturally, Pa breaks out a big ole' tub o' ESS and starts up the chow line.
we got people to do that pa, says little joseph.
when a sudden roar penetrated the valley as the Lost Arrow grew a pair of balls, sending Curry Village into a pack of fleeing lemmings..
unfortunately, being lemmings, they ran straight to Glacier Point Apron.
and in the riot trampled over fifty stoned climbers in a secret OB location under Green Dragon...
And as a dozen Park Rangers handed out tickets to the illegally camped dead bodies...
They also fled in horror as the Lost Arrow began to swell and grow taller, rattling the valley to its bones.
Meanwhile Chongo bummed a ride from Europe to Vegas (took 37 hops through 19 countries and 7 weeks to complete and didn't cost him a dime, meals included), walked into the Luxor and with a borrowed dollar hit the Lucky 7 jackpot.
Werner then asked Chongo to help defray his legal expenses. Chongo said...
"who took down all my haul bags man, i was working my way up that route, just on a few rest days to get a shower, hoping to find a 'cook' for the final push. hey, wanna buy a book? let's make a deal, i'll trade it to you for..."
Chongo takes his winnings and buys out the Delaware Company. As a result, chocolate torte' is a Main Entree at the almight Yosemite cafeteria (now renamed 'Chongo's Feed Bag')....and Pa has a new set of chaps ;)
Meanwhile, Tom Frost had managed to distract the terrorists with one of his droning slideshows long enough for their time in Camp 4 to expire, thus they were promptly expelled from the valley.
In fact, Chongo bought the whole Valley from the government!
But Chongo feels sorry for them, and gives them all jobs at the ?feed bag?
Chongo's also planning a new museum in the park to showcase Ouch's greatest works. The entrance fee will be by donation of deli leftovers in an effort to raise the "dirtbag" standard of living...
As the new owner of "The Valley", Chongo declares "Free Pizza and Beer for a week" and the denizens of C4 begin to riot in Currry.
Chongo also enacts numerous new policies. For starters, the rangers are forced to exchange their old uniforms for?fig leaves...
...and python boots.
Then Chongo and Bear 46 had a secret meeting with an international delegation of virgin inflatable sheep. The goal of their meeting was...
...to create a race of robotic self-aware sheep (a la Johnny-5) to replace the standard inflatable sheep, and thus rid the world of that heart-breaking *POP* that can plague the inflatables.
Chongo sent rangers to tell Half Dome that she would be re-hired, but she . . .
had already been hired as a WalMart greeter in Clovis.
But not before having already rented space for franchises to all the Big Boxchains on every square foot of her self, closing the deal just before Chongo signed the dotted line to "The Valley."
The terrorists now had their Target.
And again we all laughed till we cried.
...because the terrorists tried to blow up el cap, w/ a van-bomb in the parking garage, one that had been installed back when...
...U2 was actually cool . Anyone remember that?
So, donning the new required uniform of fig leaves, python boots, and an ample aplication of sun screen....
and quitting his job as a volunteer fireman in PA,
The rangers attempted to thwart the assault on El Cap with their new government issue (Chongo tested & mother-approved!) double-sided Dildos!
Only to realize a little too late that they were too late. And so were also blown to ...
the Twilight Zone (10d), where they were met by
.their turn in the next life as...
William Shatner and the entire crew of the USS Enterprise...
including Mr. Spock in his anti-gravity boots...
High up on the Shield Headwall a climber falls from the Groove.
with his pants around his ankles
he was dry tooling and met his demise when...
..he heard some sort of squeal coming from the soloist next door. one can only assume this means the robotic sheep are working properly.
Shatner declared
Spock! You can't! hover just behind! me like that!
Out of nowhere Mr. Sulu and PTPP emerge from the bushes, looking annoyed - as if Spock & Shatner had interrupted something.
Many miles away something crawls from the slime at the bottom of a dark Scottish lake.
It was then that Chongo came up with the mind-melding conclusion that Rutger Hauer must have sh#t on the ropes used for the WoS FA. That's when El Cap.....
...went into the first aid room. Apply this ointment twice daily for about a week, said Werner, and then...
blew his nose ...
...all over Bear 46's fur, which....
was already matted with the goo from the inflatable sheep orgy.
"Would you mind dear sir" said Bear 46, "would you mind if I asked you to...
...didn't like that one bit, and immedeatly went to the base of the Leaning Tower to shread a haul bag that someone had stashed. Unfortunately...
at this time, El Cap had the geosurgeons attach the greatly engorged Lost Arrow and its new balls to its...
chin. Then
taunted Yosemite Point about her big Butt dress.
Excited by all the slander, the two slammed together for some serious sex but caught the poor rangers between them. When they were done all that was left was...
...a big sticky puddle that slightly resembled Newt Gingrich when viewed from...
space. However, El Cap and Half Dome hooked up to make a bunch of little EC's and HD's, destroying Basket Dome in the process.
Old lady Glacier Point lifted the hem of her apron and...
Meanwhile back at the Ahwahnee Juan de Fuca entertained his coeds...
but, thankfully, all were thrown into a vat of fermenting OE800 which
tasted like sh!t with Juan in it, but the girls were really tied up behind the vat and being saved for later use as ....
contestants in the Sushi fest
Little did they know that one of the coeds had cut herself free. She rescued Juan. They all quickly returned to the penthouse for more .........
hours of mundane conversations. Damn that Zoloft!!!!!
After a few hours, the coed turns to Juan and says...
Will you lick my balls?
Juan of course complies, as that is his nature...
By this time, the rangers were exploring deep federation space with Hoss and Little Joe, all but a few he-she coeds remained with the dirtbags and BASE jumpers. There was much rejoicing, and out of the anarchy, Bill Russell was appointed to the new post of...
At this point Mel rips out Juan's Heart
Bill Russel was appointed to the position of being Mike Reardon.
But I digress, Mel ripped out Juan's heart when Juan recognized a mole on the coed's left nut, and as he did so he screamed, "AHA! you are no coed, you are . . .
...my father! I'd recognize that mole anywhere!
Give me back my velcro gloves, you theif!
I got some virgin inflatables to defile!
Upon hearing this, A. Crowley started suddenly, strode quickly from the room, all 8 tentacled arms dragging behind as he...
burst into a tremendous purple flash as he suffered spontaneous human combustion. There was nothing left but a little stain..
and so went the last drummer of Spinal Tap.
After a lifetime of deleting posts, he had finally deleted himself.
Many miles away something crawls to the surface of a dark Scottish
lake.
A fish like no one has ever seen before
The newfangled fish said "andanotherthing!".
Which reminds me, my python boot is too tight.
And thre's only one person who can explain it all, and that's Mimi, who said . . .
"what's up! s'almost m'birthday so i'm celebrating every day from now until then - yes i mean a bender! i have glitter, vodka, mansluts, and a camera! let's go, dooodz!"
and then standin' strong was like, "yo! i'm coming with. time to find the dance flo'!"
but the "flo" was shut off, and instead he was sent to.......
Ron Kauk and..
his unholy army of gym rats. Soon the gym rats ate Standing Strong and Mimi and began their march to the valley. It looked as though the valley might be lost, unless Largo could finally manage to pull off the first unicycle decent of El Cap and?....734th rebolt of OZ and the unholy baptism of Chongo in the Merced. By a strange act of God, Largo....
parted the river.
And as the river parted, eKat embarked upon it for a long, long . . .
canoe and the rushing sound woke up the Lower Brother, who decided to snort up all the tricams and become the Higher Brother as he cast a malevolent eye across the Valley.....
"yea, though i walk through the valley of the shadow of the death of the cannonites"
....I will fear no El Cap. For thine is the most kick ass Tri-cam snortin' mo fo in this ditch! It was then that Bernie....
awoke startled and ALIVE in a posh beach condo, with that big hunk 'o man meat Andrew McCarthey, and......
I asked myself "what did Neil and the Cannonites ever do for me or the Higher Brother?"...soon the answer came in the form of an...
...adulterating muffled voice, coming from Star Jones licking Bernie's #12 Valley Giant. "Keep......uuuu...Higher Brother.....mmmmmmm.....outta this.....GAG!" As things became heated, Bernie's cell rang, displaying the mobile number of the Huber Bros.
additional act of God by Largo, for he was angry that the gymspawn had eaten SS and me. So he forced them to regurgitate us and voila! We can both continue the story. So then the angry gymspawn began the rebolting effort on OZ and...
Spewing how they flashed that V5 in the bolder cave (you know, the red route, not the yellow one. The yellow one is for posers)?Suddenly from the depths of the cave came a strange sound, spurring the spawn to action...
It was then that, in one Herculean effort, Chongo silenced them with a flatulation of the Century. The results left many of the gymspawn piled up at the base of OZ, with one clinging to life (Bosch still on hand) and one more yards short of Dale's 1970 Chevy Impala (with freshly broken windshield)....
(the result of an errant pig)....meanwhile........ALLEZ! ALLEZ! ALLEZ!, thanks for the hollllllllllds brah!........came the chant from the cave.....
They were politely asked to fill out a customer satisfaction survey before the electrodes were attached and the needle jerked to the right.....
....lest we forget that only one was left on life support and could only sign his name with an "X"....
The sparks flew and the lights flickered...combined with that distinct smell of burning hair. The deed was done. Just then..
...Glacier Point dropped a load on the tourons in Curry....and there was much rejoicing!
Yaaaay!!!
we all cheered as we added the tourons to the fire, so we could snort their ashes like Keith Richards did with his father
But the rest of the Formations were still very concerned about the immense size of the Lost Arrow (with balls!) as it towered above all else.......
for there was fear that it might 'blow' because of the provocative advances by the Cookie. She worked as a fluffgirl for years in the LA porn industry. So Half Dome...
[queue voiceover] PAGING DR.PHIL!......PAGING DR. PHIL!....DR. PHIL, please use the cafeteria courtesy phone.....
picking up the phone Dr. Phil instantly recognized Lois' voice...
he listened for a while, then asked Lois to PLEASE stop repeating and paraphrasing herself over and over while...
he tried in vain to extricate himself from the conversation.
Meanwhile, back in the Valley...
....Star Jones was working over Bernie's #12 Valley Giant! It was then Dr. Phil broke out into a jealous rage and....
a stealth submarine made entirely of hemp, powered with old french fry lard and manned with dreadlocked Earth Firsters, settled under the lower falls..awaiting a long stroking session with the Lost Arrow, because their healing crystals told them too...
and that's roughly the time Mimi walked by and said, "If it was left up to me, I'd . . ."
...stroke Werner's karma for a dollar.
twist a fatty and consult those crystals s'more...
But the NPS, not realizing that Arrow spooge was actually a rare panacea, saw it as a potential environmental disaster. The Earth Firsters called a meeting to edumacate the rangers about why it was necessary to continue with their plan. So...
after the valley was buried two feet deep by LA spooge, the divisive topic of did you spit or swallow created a deep rift among...
among the spectators until someone noticed a dinosaur egg in the rock rubble ...and it was hatching!
That baby dinasaur tore through the crowd like a hobo through ham sandwhich., until..
he found chongo secret sleeping area the dinasour and chongo sat down talked about
hauling until eventually, it found itself alone at the base of the Great Long Dong, disappearing into the mist.....
of quantum mechanics and rifts in time. Blink blink Chongo was back in Eruope and the ham sammich was gone.
But there was a wiggling in his belly...had he eaten the dinosaur?
Half Dome and El Cap quickly reminded the spectators that the Cookie could no longer swallow after having half her head blown off last time she did Watkins. The Merced was never the same. Then the Rostrum pointed out that...
Not being chronsynclastically infundibulated, the baby could wait. A loud voice blared from the gloom "Yabo! You know what you must do!"
So, springing off , knowing he was more fun than a greased up midget....
Before anyone realized what was going on, democracy spread across Iraq and GWB was recognized worldwide as the greatest leader in history?(ah forget it, that?s way too unrealistic. Let?s get back to a more reasonable storyline)?Yabo gathered up some tricams and began to climb.....LOL
...then he realized he'd planned to solo the thing, so he threw the tri-cams from a great height and they bonked on the heads of...
alfredo garcia, and the now pregnant and even creepier middle brady girl, causing Alice.......
to go into a fit of rage and kill all the other belay babes that were hanging around, and once more TR and Mimi were killed.
When Alice finally came down off the euphoric buzz of the killing spree...
everyone was left to ponder and face the aftermath of the demon tricam addiction which soon spread to.....
France, where they need all the lessons in "clean " they can get (stanky bastards).
Meanwhile in the Dolomites, Sylvester Stallone, armed only with his trusty bolt gun? had Jessie on the ropes.....
until a sudden buckle failure sent the entire party plummeting headlong into....
the tallest summit beneath, where Jessie would steal yet another summit register...
which had only two listings....some Beckey guy, and Frank and Hal '91 sleeveless.
Meanwhile, the Higher Brother, who had leveled off a bit to Middle Brother status, slid into a funk after waiting eagerly for the offering of tricams from Yabo only to see him pitch them off irreverently early on, sending the now Lower Brother into a vengeful rage as he pondered Yabo's climbing...
...shitting on all the ropes of the WoS FA team, filtering out the blame on some "fish-dude".
. . . and the remarkable resurrection of Mimi once again, made so by an extremely thin man in a Yankee's cap whose incantations raised the woman straightaway, to say nothing of the powdered rhino horn he sprinkled over her chiseled brisket, the effect of which . . .
were as Ecstacy, but resulted in a Wicked Benito...
chiseled brisket????LOL
Soon, an ASCA rehabilitation team was sent in to deal with the rampant and various addictions, first focusing on the leader Baron von ..........
Buzzkill, from a position high in the pines, tractor beam initiated, going hot pickel...
...when Lost Arrow heard "hot pickle".....hot pickle juice spewed into the air (with a pH balance of 1), it burned the living hell out of Mimi and TR.......leaving them dead.....AGAIN!!
The Arrow then went straight into Degnan's, first encountering the already seething.......
Mike Corbett, who was planning a revolt against the Valley Straussians...
As the plan took shape, he patiently tuned the non-linear brainwave device to render babble coherent....and aimed it at the TACO....trying to understand what the hell it all meant..
he was shocked to see that Locker actually made sense when he posted...
And that crimpy was really a man...
that could lick his own balls.
And that my friends, is a real treat on a rainy afternoon. Don't care who ya're.
sending a tidal wave of a gender crisis throughout the interweb and spiking toothpaste sales in the greater st. louis area...
(Holy shite! Nice Rally!!!)
Not to mention the resulting collapse of the stock market and day-traders running out of their high-rise windows like lemmings by the dozens?Is Mimi still dead ?!
Thanks to the rhino horn and chiseled brisket, I made it back just in time to help direct the shitfest on the WOS boy's ropes....only to find a party of Valley locals chopping the route and....
...yelling at me, saying "How could you vote this way?"...
day-traders running off of El Cap like lemmings by the dozens?
Because if you're going to lick balls, you want your teeth to be the whitest & brightest!
This has been a pubic service announcement, now back to our regularly schedule program
And the sun was obscured by a mighty fog, and rain slanted down from a black cloud, and vulturs circled overhead and a voice was carried on the wind, and it was Mimi's voice, and the voice was wise and sage and smart and randy and brassy and recalcitrant and secure and remote and husky and sexy and strange and self-contained and the voice said:
'''"Oh Gawd, Dubya...Save Us!"
Then she noticed a hair... a hair between her teeth, quickly she...
...used that curly black pube to floss the rest of her teeth and...
tongued her tooth gap and said hey swee'thang, can i buy you a fithsh sandwich?
All the while thinking to herself.... "Holy sh#t Largo...that was one hell of a sentence!"
followed by, "Uh, was yo' father a meat burglar...? Here'sth why I ask, sweet thang..."
Then Condi arrived, with Fatty on her ankle...
At which point, Crest sued the living hell out of PTPP for using "ball sack hair" for screamers on WSR. Then Barbella followed up with a clean sweep by sueing him for his copyrighted "Baaahh-sque Velcro Gloves"...
But defended by Dirtbag , ST's resident attorney, PTPP got off with a light sentence...
At which point he got that fish sandwich...
of 4000 years to life in the psych ward with....
...Jody's Evil Twin. Meanwhile, Delicate Arch was crying foul for...
for being portrayed as a friend of Dean's. In an interview the Arch was quoted as saying:
...Bloody Revenge.
and "Blood Meridian"-judge.
The Arch stoutly defended that Dean was not an operative of Al-Qaida but rather was double agent acting in behalf of the "Tool Shed" (Yosemite Park Division). Potter was later heard to say, "All I ever did was wear those 6" stillettos and goosestep for those park Nazi's like they told me to!"
But, truth be told...no one was buying it.
To make matters worse, Stuffed Anus left him over the affair!
And the crowd said:
"Huh?"
...just as Nature parachuted in, California roll in one hand, Gitzu Sushi knife in the other, and a glint in his eye, and shouted:
"This town needs an enema!"
Turning to the Post Office wall, the Drifter noted his own resemblence to public enema #1, the famous crack torturer Brunhilda.......
whilst simultaneously recognizing a familiar odor....yes, *sniff sniff*, that's it, the essence of.....
a slightly 'off' tuna scent, and though he hoped that Nature had simply discarded yesterday's catch, his jaw dropped when he turned to the smell (now an ungodly...odor...) and saw.....
... Pepe Le Pu mixed delicately with rotting cold shower maggots , scooped atop a lovely pile of two day old CORNPOO!
too late, he said...
Brunhilda has struck again! "So its true " thought the Drifter as a devilish smile overtook him....
....a horse whinnies in the distance.....
"Miracle Whip really DOES taste better than Mayonnaise!" he thought outloud
"Not only that , but it appears the Soaring Arrow may still have one glorious weakness, the Arrow Chimney" mused the Drfter...........
"But I *really* would have to pretty much *be* a greased up midget to get up that thing... "
and so, off he went, to subsist on Miracle Whip for a month, in order that he might at least be of midget girth.
but the Drifter soon came across tracks in the Miracle coating belying the presence of another.....
...a dark and deadly presence...
Yes, the Delicate Arch had come to prove it wasn't so delicate at the Rock Showdown...
But hunched and poised in the notch, where the spray was most intense stood a slimy but proud Yabo, the baby dinosaur...
named Mimi, who had been reborn, and walked the Earth sagely and savagely at the same time right up until she met ANOTHER reincarnation of herself! And when Mimi met Mimi, she first brushed her teeth (it seemed that she had a run-in with the she-male crimpy, too) she exclaimed:
"Where's the Super Pube? I need to floss!"
Many miles away, there's a shadow on the door of a cottage on the shore of a dark Scottish lake.
Both wrestling over the super Pube, trying to simul-(floss), one of the Mimi's fell, and was hung by the neck by the super Pube until she died; thus leaving only one Mimi alive on the Earth...or was there?
Aye, there was, and as her shadow crossed the threashold of that scottish cottage.....
..the shadow was quite largo...
...the voice of Sean Connery drifted above the noise of Nessy and said, "Miss, you've got a small pubic hair in your teeth..."
At which, she gave a crafty grin, then pursed her lips as if to whistle, but instead projectile spit that pubic hair directly into the forehead of the Sean-like sounding one, the force laying him flat on his back.
"Damn-you, John Bolton!"
. . . and Mimi said, get you mind outta the guttah. And so she called her friend Wendy to sew her shadow back onto her very own self but the shadow, like most shadows, had been so long ignored that it . . .
Seeing this, Chongo leaped out of the scottish loch and devoured the Sean Connery-like being - but left Mimi the phuck alone!
was merely a shadow of it's former self.
Meanwhile, in an ice cave on Mt. McKinley, surrounded by 90 mph howling winds and 15 feet of snow, two shadows hunch over a bunson burner...
...whose fule had died out decades earlier, about 3 hours after the pair expired, apparently from hunger/dehydration, as they had lost the pot to melt snow or cook in.
One says: "Are you Crowley?"
The other replies: "Don't think so..."
"Are too!"
"Ain't!"
At least that's what the medium, who had been called in to decipher the clues, siad "they" had told her.
Meanwhile, on the east coast, Chiloe exclaimed, "OK, water and power are back on, I brought all the refrigerator stuff back in out of the snowbank, woodstove is warm, wine is red ... life's looking better tonight. But just then...
Warren Harding showed up and drank all of the wine, exclaiming...
"This is a fine farcing expedition, first rate! Our next enterprise should rightfully be to tie-off this overly Long Dong before it's too late for the beloved Ditch below".....
Warren quite pished however, upon stumbling to the loo for relief neglected to notice someone sitting there before his back teeth started floating.
It was......
the end. .....
"The End..."
--Borat
Or was it just a brief pause before Warren headed up into the mayo clinic to achieve the Notch and survey the situation with respect to an encirclement by means of......
a tightly woven net of pubes. Once his trap was sprung it would enable Harding to . . .
hurl Yabo the young Dynosaurus with an old crusty hemp rope tied to his waist out onto the first in a line of holds leading out beyond the safety of the pube net into the air....
..where he was surprised to meet John Salathe, or was that Royal Robbins, who said "boys and girls, it's time for you to go to bed, and stop desecrating the divine ditch". Soon after, a deus ex machina appeared, and...
lowered a giant vacuum truck into the Valley to remove all of the Lost Arrow's errant spooge and return the sacred ditch back to a pristine state. And Royal said....
"Nighty night John Boy" and even Yabo cammed a couple of claws and settled in for the night behind a horn high above the Valley floor......But Royal reconsidered....
.."I'm getting tired of all this s***talking and lack of respect, and things are going to change around here. First of all, those bums need to change their clothes, but we'll have to get an EIS before they can wash in the Merced", at which...
Warren guffawed and said, "Royal, you can..
..lick the Lost Arrow's balls, if you know what I mean, but the ghost of Salathe was lurking ominously in the Chimney,...
"Get yo mama to wash yo car!" Salathe responded before remarking...
..listen to zee Verner, children. Ya, you vil all awaken in zee next life as poop tubes for zat route zee Zodiac. And it von't be nice...a lot of pooping goes on over zat way...
and in any case the Golden Age was not a reference to any sort of shower, smacking more of the Dance of Shiva really, which at the time was brought about through the indelicate ministrations and auspicious arrival of...
Batso (reborn), who...
along with his sweetie Beasto began to eye the Notch and the goings on above causing Beasto to squeel........
like a person hauling a stuck pig.
But with more delight as she pondered the lofty Arrow and its many possibilities, the most exciting being........
the multitude of bumps designed specifically for her...
Well not long after she noted the bumps the minster, Rev. Russ Walling, appeared to remind everyone: there's a big difference between kneeling down and bending over.
"There are pitchers and there are catchers," the Reverand added.
Meanwhile, Charley Porter was racing across the barren icy wastes near his lonely Antarctic research station. Charley was in pursuit of a band of terrorists intent on destroying all civilization on Earth.
For these terrorists none of the doomsday scenarios were playing out fast enough, so they had develped an allotrope of water which they called Steam-9.
But just as Charley was closing on the terrorists in their rocky stronghold in the Orvin Fjella range, he was surrounded by thousands of murderous Peng-bots and Alba-troids.
Charley thought to himself, well, I guess the gig is up, but unbeknownst to him his earlier message to Patagonia had gotten through and now a host of ambassadors in wingsuits were flying to his rescue shouting . . .
"We just got fired! Got any work?"...
or "Wanda, you really are supposed to wait for the other kids you know?" At any rate, Porter's winged henchmen swooped down grabbing Batso and Beasto and spirited them upwards to the Notch where they were horrified to find......
yet even as Wanda prattled on Beasto had unintentionaly yielded a sliver of that marvelous cleavage to Glen Denny (or so she made it seem), only then did the firm snap of his shutter interrupt the quiet breach of camp 4 air, at that hour breathed heavily by the guys stepping out of...
Steve Grossman's spleen.
bwahaha!
Screached Industrial Sue, who'd been dreaming all of this at that very moment, yet in truth to the wider view it was a shard of imagery drifting from...
a wet t-shirt contest.
which she won, her industry being silicone...and then:
she noted the Muffin Man, who turned to her and spoke: "Some people... some people like cupcakes exclusively, while myself, I say there is naught nor ought there be nothing so exalted on the face of gods grey Earth as that prince of foods... the muffin!"
Girl you thought he was a man
But he was a muffin
He hung around till you found
That he didnt know nuthin
Girl you thought he was a man
But he only was a-puffin
No cries is heard in the night
As a result of him stuffin
All of a sudden the telephone rang...
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Chico
Trad climber
Mt. Shasta, CA
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It was Janet Reno. "You think you can just wine me, dine me, 69 me, and get away with it scott free? I don't think so Donny. I challenge you to a winner-takes-all steel cage match, two men enter, one man leaves". Well, needless to say...
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NeverSurfaced
Trad climber
Someplace F*#ked!
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Topic Author's Reply - Apr 7, 2007 - 09:34pm PT
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Janet won – and in victory dined on the bloodied, mangled, alien-like corpse of Donny. But little did she know, in eating Donny's entrails and genitalia, she also unwittingly ingested…
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