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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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I hope you don't take it as being trite....there is wisdom in it.
Susan
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nita
Social climber
chica de chico, I don't claim to be a daisy.
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*
My heart bleeds for you folks that are suffering with depression...I don't really know what to say except...you are Loved...hang on....hold on..hold on.
[Click to View YouTube Video]
Over 26 Million views... .
Breath....
Breathe..
Much love..
Nita..
Mr B....call me..please.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Thank you Susan and Nita. Although yesterday is gone, my heart and my mind are still heavy. Most people would balk at what sent me into a downward spiral, perhaps i should do the same; but i can't.
The inability to cope with this ordeal stems from my struggle with the dog and the fact that the evil canine created the mess to begin with.
Besides the chemical chaos of one's mind who has to go through life constantly battling the dog, the long chain of both similar and dissimilar life events such as Friday's, are just one of the central factors that leads oneself to have such a vehement disillusionment with their own life. At least i believe it to be that way, for me and others as well.
i am straining to put my thoughts in words. i can't concentrate enough to see if i am making any sense at all.
i know i have to let my life run it's course; but i can't wait for the hour it all ends. That may sound absolutely pathetic and it may very well be; but i can't see it any differently than just that. i'm happy for those who can't identify with this perspective of life. You are truly blessed.
i hate to post this as it will put this thread on the front page and for me it is back page stuff, especially when i am speaking about myself.
Ward, interesting article, from what i could understand. i live at 743 above sea level.
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MikeL
Social climber
Seattle, WA
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[Click to View YouTube Video]
Get things in perspective. To hell with what others think. THAT includes you. It's just thinking, it's just feeling, it's just seeing. Try not to take any of it too seriously or concretely.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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rad, nita.
i clicked michael's video
and then i grabbed my daughter
and we danced together,
for 1/2 a song.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Tobia, don't worry about the way you come off, you write very well. I only wish there was something I could do.
I have a very close friend that suffers daily. When we climb and listen to music and talk about the good times, I am able to pull him up into the light for a few days or hours. But then he has to go back to living his life, in his head and heart, and I can't do that for him.
How many of those who have posted here actually go to a therapist for help? It seems like I haven't seen that referred to much.....
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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mikeL, i wish it were that simple.
Survival, thanks for caring to share your encouragement and thoughts. That is one thing i love about this forum, for all the hate and insults aired, there is so much caring and concern that shines far brighter than the negativity (maybe CMac's advertisers will notice this fact).
i've been in a shrink's care since i was 20 years old and have done therapy off and on for those 38 years as well. Therapists (sometimes) teach you coping skills and methods of channeling or controlling thoughts and feelings that can send you into a downward spiral. i can do that sometimes. Anti-depressants do not work on me, or any combination of.
Most of the time i wake up depressed, even though i went to bed in a normal state. It is also a very cyclic event for me; about 4-5 days a month i experience this darkness and despair. A state i can't really describe except to say it is utter hopelessness and i have the strongest desire to be among the deceased; anything to end the pain. i can't do the suicide thing, so i pray to die.
This Friday i let something send me down to the dog and all my "preventive strokes" failed me completely. To be frank, i learned that my ex-wife had remarried, something i knew was coming up on the radar sooner or later. i am happy for her, i have no ill will against her, i never have.
i am sure that would cause anyone to experience some sadness; however, sadness doesn't describe the emotions of Friday night, Saturday and the early hours of this morning.
i believe that bit of news reminded me of the darkness and despair of her leaving; which may have been due to my struggles with depression. i know that wasn't the only reason; but i am sure it was a major factor.
The strangest thing about depression for me personally is that i feel that there are two of me and neither recognizes or remembers the emotions of the other. i can't describe my thoughts of yesterday, they seem surrealistic. And yesterday seemed like every hour of my life - past, present and future.
i've come out of it now, hopefully for a long while.
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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Tobia- I feel for you bro. It certainly sounds like what you deal with is many many times more intense than my own struggles.
I hope you feel even better again tomorrow.
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Tobia
Social climber
Denial
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Big Mike, it is all relative. It is no picnic for anyone. i appreciate the caring attitude.
Timid, thanks also, make that a double thanks at that* My dogs are a big part of my life. i spoil them something awful. They sense when i am down, so much so that they give me a break on the usual hysteria (barking and nudging) that occurs at their normal feeding time. I'm not sure which one has the watch. I had a black lab that was more of a therapist than a pet for 17 years.
i grieve for the people that never come out of it, the institutionalized people who just stare at the wall all day, everyday. That makes 25 days of freedom seem like something i should celebrate! Also for the people who are ashamed of their plight. i am very shy in many ways; but trying to make people aware of what they or others are suffering is not one of them.
Hopefully i am accomplishing something beneficial to others here; so that they will feel free to vent and seek help.
Admittedly there is some personal therapeutic value as well. I have written pages and pages in dozens of notebooks; but that did not help like posting here.
Yes indeed, it will pass, as all things must. George Harrison told me that.
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab or In What Time Zone Am I?
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Hopefully i am accomplishing something beneficial to others here; so that they will feel free to vent and seek help.
YES! Keep coming here. You voice what many others feel and just can't express.
Susan
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Tobia, I have avoided this thread probably because of the pain I have seen depression cause people close to me.
You are courageous in both your fighting an invisible, intractable foe and in your frank and impassioned explication of your trials. I think you have done good service for some people here.
I wish you the best.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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hey there say, tobia... may you find one good thing, each day... perhaps just a nuzzle with the pupdogs... or the smell of fresh air, as you take them out side, etc...
you are in our thoughts, hearts and prayers and well wishes, so just knowing that folks care, no matter how you feel at each moment, we hope this helps, if even, just a bit...
say, johntp, been thinking about you and almost emailed... oh my, still that same job... i keep hoping and praying that a better new door will open...
this IS a good thread for folks to share on, it is bets to get the feelings out, so that there is at least bit more room for perhaps a glimmer of hope... hope, ads fresh new molecules of like...
keeping thoughts non-stagnant... :)
keep on keeping on, there are days, that you will be glad, that you did, even though they may be hid, among the bad days...
each little victory does do some good... :)
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Big Mike
Trad climber
BC
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I think it honors Juan's memory, that we keep using his thread for this discussion. Thanks for everyone's input.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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long on hope,
short on horizons,
we are left with
an empty bag of resolve
so let's get magical
and cut tricks into
the black sky
thru which bleeds
solutions outside of the heart,
and these plug
the impending hole in the head,
because we've been everything
inside of evil,
but we have never been evil.
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Stevee B
Trad climber
Oakland, CA
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I've been following this thread on and off for years. It's difficult to speak into as it's so personal, everyone responds differently, but I would like to offer my experience as someone who's suffered from depression that it can get better. Much better. Don't give up.
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MikeL
Social climber
Seattle, WA
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Tobia: mikeL, i wish it were that simple.
Tobia, thoughts about thoughts is a kind of insanity. Most everyone takes themselves as real as they think their thoughts are. Feelings are just like thoughts: they manifest, but you will find that you can’t pin them down. They are not concrete, but they can affect you and create the world you live in.
I think I had PTSD for at least 15 years, leading up to a 15-minute suicide consideration. On that day, I realized what was going on at that moment, called my mom, she called my dad who was closest to me, and he showed up and just sat with me. There was nothing that could be said. The feeling, like all feelings and thoughts, passed into nothingness. Leading up to that bout was a 7-month period of depression where I cried uncontrollably, spastically every day. I went insane, and I had no control over it. As it’s been said here, things pass, and what goes around finally comes around. I found it helpful to have folks to talk to, just as you appear to here.
In the later moments of emerging sanity, I began to read everything I could get my hands and eyes on the matter, counseled myself, and forced a kind of discipline (diet, exercise, meditation, learning to live with suffering-as-a-discipline). In time (maybe over 2-3 years) I saw that every passing day my concerns died their own little deaths, one at a time. In 7 years, I returned to what I considered wholeness. That was the first day when i didn’t think about my condition of “broken-ness.”
I think that history was a comforting narrative. Thirty-five years later I found freedom in letting go of that thing that used to be the most important thing to me—me. Don’t get me wrong: life is not heavenly clouds and sugar plum fairies. Nothing has changed but the viewpoint, and I finally saw that “I” is nothing to take seriously at all.
(BTW, melancholy can be a very creative force.)
Much love, and be well.
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squishy
Mountain climber
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I wish it were depression for myself but I sort of skip that and go straight to despair or panic..I have not read this thread and have been avoiding it for years. Mental illness is not socially acceptable yet, even by those who have it..it's a struggle for me every single day..and it's not something I will share here or ask this audience to understand..I am glad to see it talked about though..maybe the next generations will have a more educated perspective.. ;;;
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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I too, have avoided this thread because it strikes a nerve.
Six years ago, I tried to off myself, halfheartedly. It was undeniably a cry for help.
My partner at the time shipped me off to my parents in NH and dropped me like a bad habit, and things got worse.
It's been a struggle, but I decided that life is amazing despite the hardship, and I persevered.
Fast forward three years, and I'd hardened myself, dulled my emotions if you will. I had less sympathy and empathy, but I was pushing forward. Then, I met my wife.
I had no idea how much a human could struggle, but Llama showed me that, for better or worse, people suffer more than I do.
She's not depressed, but struggles with anxiety on a daily basis. It doesn't take much for her to spiral into a very bad place, and I've been put into a place where I have to talk her down. Remember that I've dulled my emotions.
It's been so hard to empathize, but I should, because I've been in a dark place.
Now, when she spirals down, I harden myself and have huge trouble showing love and caring.
This causes problems, obviously.
It really sucks to feel weak (which I still do) and be the stronger partner at the same time.
Life is hard sometimes, I feel for all that participate in this thread, depression really changes you.
FWIW, I beat it by feeling less, as I stated above. It really sucks to feel less, I was once a more compassionate, present individual.
It is not where I want to be as a human, but it is what it is.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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I have not read this thread and have been avoiding it for years.
Squishy, you should read it. Maybe you will read something helpful, or something that makes you want to share and get feedback?
Good luck bro.
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