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nita
climber
chica from chico, I don't claim to be a daisy
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Mar 15, 2009 - 02:11am PT
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Dirt, I hate to think about you in pain....
Fukk Cancer !
Sending good thoughts, a hug & some prayers
sweet dreams , xo ..nita
ps, Lynne lives in Southern cal.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Mar 15, 2009 - 07:27am PT
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Dirt wrote
"damnit all my religious nutjob friends, pray harder!!! "
Eye Captin' I'm given her all I got!!!!
I've seen that people know inside what's up and what's to come. That's good cause it let's you make your peace and feel that what's to come is not pain but release and renewal.
However, and whenever it shakes out, you've done a courageous and noble dance with us here on the titanic deck.
A heartfelt salute and you're lucky I'm not there to hug you.
Peace
Karl
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Mar 16, 2009 - 03:05am PT
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hey there dirt/curt...just checking in to see if you'd posted.... welcome back home...
say, just... will be praying... have no job, so i can pray for days on end now, for a bit... :)
say, prayer work in more ways than one, too... so if they seem to fail, they are working for you in ways you just dont SEE yet....
god bless... say, step out under the stars and have a little talk with jesus, when you get a chance...
or even tap him on the ol shoulder when your hunkered down in the pillows for the night...
meant it all very kindly, dear sir... :)
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Mar 16, 2009 - 01:25pm PT
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Keeping the Dirty Flame lit out here in the hinterlands.
Salute
Baba
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survival
Big Wall climber
A Token of My Extreme
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Mar 16, 2009 - 01:37pm PT
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Curt, it is so good to hear that you are not afraid.
I'm sorry that there is pain too.
Be at peace in every way that you can.
Supertopo is thinking of you, and hoping for any miracle or pain free moment that we can get.
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JuanDeFuca
Big Wall climber
Stoney Point
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Mar 16, 2009 - 02:34pm PT
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Dirt,
Sorry you are suffering. You are on my prayer list and I think and pray for you often.
Good Luck.
Juan
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nature
climber
Tucson, AZ
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Mar 17, 2009 - 12:28am PT
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bump....
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Jaybro
Social climber
wuz real!
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Mar 17, 2009 - 12:50am PT
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random acts of kindness...
hang in there Dirt, you have fought the good fight.
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Mar 17, 2009 - 03:51am PT
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thank you all, again, so much. this site has become a big help, I never expected that. Dick Lugar, I sad don't embarrass me, LOL!!! too much!!! thanks y0ough, I guess your evaluation of the work made me realize something I never really thought about, so, thanks again.
TR, it meas a LOT more to know it came frome you, really. I hope you will wind up where you want to be one day soon. You deserve it. Meanwhile, are you any good with Vanagons, 91 model carot?
WIll try to write more later, over did it today, in fact, first good day in a while, but now i'm paying for it, haha.
HEy, I can DRINK WATER AGAIN!! first time in a long time that water has been good to me, and I (pre cancer as in, three or almost 4 years ago now) used to LOVE water! a silver lining of sorts.
Lately I've bee nmaking death jokes, if any turn out really funny and nnot just morbid, I'll post em. you GOTTA enjoy this, else cry all the time. and as for fighting, ywah, I fight, but denying or ignoreing pain I have reacently learned is a bad thing to do. turns out your body just does some other thing, that can be lashing out at peopl;e or being agitated or shallow rapid breathing, and several other things I forget. Since I have been taking the hospice nurses advice, I've been lot easier to gegt along wth (damn it) and it's better for my parents, who are really too old to go though this, and it's killing them almost as much as it's killing me.
Like the t-shirt says, (someone gave me one) cancer sucks. well actually it's worse than that, as I've ahd a LOT of blow jobs that were better than cancer by far.
Bye now.
PS Karl, thanks man, you are a hoot!
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Dick_Lugar
Trad climber
Indiana (the other Mideast)
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Mar 17, 2009 - 07:31am PT
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Curt-There's an upbeat tone in your voice...that's good to hear. Been holding my breath the last couple days, good to see you writing again. I see you got my reimbursement for your CD. I thought at the least, you could buy lunch for at least a couple friends or family members.
Water...I can't even imagine not being able to drink water. What a great gift to be able to do that again. That's great to hear Curt...take care.
Frank
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Zander
Trad climber
Berkeley
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Mar 17, 2009 - 03:12pm PT
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Dirt, I misread a line of your post above. I read;
"Since I have been taking the hospice nurses aside, I've been lot easier to get along with"
I'm thinking for a minute, "Whoa this could be interesting"!
All the best,
Zander
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Mar 17, 2009 - 04:21pm PT
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hey there dirt... wow, you can drink water... folks really dont always understand how wonderful that can be!...
say, very happy to hear that bit of joy, is yours, now, dirt...
more god blesses, to you... :)
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scuffy b
climber
just below the San Andreas
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Mar 18, 2009 - 04:28pm PT
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Thanks for posting up, Dirt.
It makes ME feel a lot better to be reading you again.
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Off White
climber
Tenino, WA
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Mar 18, 2009 - 04:41pm PT
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Reading through your travails with your attitude still intact, somehow this old Weird Al song, I'll Be Mellow When I'm Dead popped into my head:
Youtube link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LW4ih5Hdtf4
Lyrics:
I don't care about your karma
I don't care about what's hip
No space cadet's gonna tell me what to do
I won't swim in your Jacuzzi
You can't make me settle down
I'd rather kick and jump and bite and scratch
And scream until I'm blue
I may as well be hyper
As long as I'm still around
'Cause I'll have lots of time to be laid back
When I'm six feet under ground
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
x6
When are you
Cosmic cowboys
Gonna get it through your head
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I can't stand the smell of incense
I don't really like to jog
No Joni Mitchell eight-tracks in my car (ooh)
I hate anything organic
Even health food makes me sick
You won't catch me sipping Perrier
Down in some sushi bar
I tell you, now's the time to go for
All the gusto you can grab
You'll have plenty of time to be low key
When you're laid out on the slab
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
When are you
Cosmic cowboys
Gonna get it through your head
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I don't want no part of that vegetarian scene
I won't buy me a pair of designer jeans
No redwood hot tub to my name
I got all that I want
And if it's all the same to you
I don't need a course in self-awareness
To find out who I am
And I'd rather have a
Big Mac or a Jumbo Jack
Than all the bean sprouts in Japan
So don't ask me what I'm into
I don't need to prove I'm cool
I'll break your arm
If you ask me what's my sign
I won't tell you where my head's at
I don't need to see no shrink
Psychosis may be in this year
But I'm really not that kind
And I'm in no hurry to be casual
In fact I think I'll wait
Until I'm pushing up the daisies
(Like, wow, man, can you relate)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
I'll be mellow when I'm dead (I'll be mellow when I'm dead)
etc...
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Mar 21, 2009 - 05:32pm PT
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I wonder how the dirtster is doing today? Apart from peeing in lexan bottles, that is.
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Mar 22, 2009 - 02:29am PT
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hahaha, anders, I am not the lexan pee bottle man, tpo be honest, I never thought of it, and the fact taht the lid is wide mouthed and seals makes those lexan bottles perfect urinals.
But since you asked, I'm doing OK after a 24 hour period of drain tube blockage, which is quite annoying, disconcerting, and downright scary, not to mention, it hurts a lot.
IN fact the damned thing still hurts, still feels like back up pressure or the begining of infection, so, not out of woods yet. damned thing had gotten infected twice, and it's miserable, partly bacuase it hurts and partly because Hospice does not pay for antibiotics, ever, so it xosts me 100 bucks for 7 days lvaquin, thanks tpo GWB and the rethuglicans passing that pile of shyte drug bill in 05, and W overriding the democrat attempt to change the idiotic paragrah that drug companies asked for and got that makes it illegal for madecare and medicad ( the two largest medical insurers in the country) to negotiat prices on drugs-- although EVERY OTHER INSURWANCE COMPANY DOES negotiate price, because it just makes sense. Too much sense for rethuglican shill of business though, god damn them all to hell.
But anyway, I'm not sure what to do with this thread any more. as long as poeple respond or ask questions, I will answer, but I feel funny about just posting 'trip reports unbidden, so, leet me know what you want. I was ttally umprepared for the overwhelming response s from ST members and shocked that many people like to read what I write. BUt if you want, I'll do it as long as I can, whcih unfortunately may not be much longer. they put you in hospice for a reason-- death is close. Oh well, that's life.
I want to say again how gratifying it is for me to know that some have benefited from my cancer threads and taken action for screening. That at least makes me feel like I've done something good and that this way too early death is not meaningless.
I am also happy that most people seem to think I tell the truth, which is extremely important to anyone with a math background, and I at one time was a pretty good math guy, at least when it got to logic nad theeory and away from arithmetic and stuff. I still can't add and subtract nubers very well, LOL. One time I had this cal 4 test where I did everythign right, solved every problem correctly, understood the material very well, but I got an 87 insttead of a 95-100 because in 5 places I did things in the final tally like adding 9 and 7 and somehow getting 15 or 17 or anything but the right answer. talk about chagrin. I just spaz on simple arithmetic, haha.
Did stuff in advanced calc proofs that amazed the profs-- they remembered it ten years later-- but I can't add and subtract, LOL too funny. Too bad I made some bad choices in the early 90s, and by the time I did take their free ride to grad school, chemo and anti depressants and time had all taken thier toll and it was just too late. wouldn't be so bad if I had not wasted 9 years and given up everything to be with a type a alcoholic mega-b1tch, but again, that's life.
Let that be the thought for the day from dirt: if something is really bad, get out soon, don't waste your life staying. Life is short, and it's good to make the best of it.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Mar 22, 2009 - 02:43am PT
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Hey DirtBro
Thanks for the update. Keep em coming. We're listening.
You could send me an email or post up here if you get stuck on that forgiveness thing. Wondering if you got any juice from it but didn't want to press you.
Thanks for keeping it real
Much love
Baba
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Mimi
climber
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Mar 22, 2009 - 02:47am PT
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Hello Curt. Really sorry you're in such a state. It doesn't even bother me when you say those things about the previous administration. LOL! Meaningless stuff when compared to what you're going through.
Where do you want your spirit or energy to go when you pass? Have you thought of that much? If you've written about it already, I missed seeing it.
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Mar 22, 2009 - 03:36pm PT
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thnaks to all those above Imissed, last few days have bee nroguh.
Karl, I am stuck for the moment, but things seem to be working out. I have a feeling it will all come out OK before the end. something about approaching death makes you want things to be OK, ans the less important things fall away. you'd be suprized what falls away.
recently I had a changes of heart about getting too decrepit to do anyting and pulling my own plug while still able.
I recalled my almost death with the monoclonal antibody reaction ( which is partly thanks to GWB banning stem cell research Mimi-- a mouse protein has killed some and almost got me, with all human cells that woudl not happen.)
but anyway, the point is that in the so close it was almost curtains event, things did not go as you might think. even though I knew I was dying, it did not hurt, there was no panic or worry-- no it was really calm and I just had this little conversation with myself, like, too bad I didn't see my parents again, that's bad. too bad I ddin't finish the music, that's bad. but I did get to see DR larson again, I like her, that's good... and as it got a lot worse and I was realy out o body Ia little voice (mine) said Try not to die then, and I said OK I'll try, and then the frantically pushed in several times over crash cart drugs worked and I was coming back.
I discussed this wit ha friend who had a similar experience wiht a surgery, and he said, after that happened I was not afraid of death anymore, and I said me too, but I'm not in a hurry to do it again, and we laughted.
BUt it was an interesting experience, and I think as long as there won;t be a lot of misery attached, I will just ride it out and see what happens, which I would not get to do with a self inflicted violent sudden death. so I guess that's out. woulda made a big mess anyway.
Death is not so bad, there are things a lot worse than death-- I've had to endure a lot of em!! some chemo is worse than death especially when it does not a bit of good, and all yo ucan do is wish you were dead, it makes you so miserable for weeks and weeks.
having your true love dump you in a rather mean way right when you need em the most is almost worse than death, it sure hurt more, but you can at least get over that in time. I guess you cna get over just about anything with enough time as long as you don't do anything permanently stupid.
Oh well, one other thing that botheres me is, my poker playing SUCKS right now!!! LOL too many drugs! too many undisciplined moves. too many suckouts!!! heart is not in it either. I gotta ask Barry Greenstein if he would give me a good talking to LOL.
A friend got him to call me, I was blown away. the man is really a nice guy. probably in the top 30-50 in the world, took teh time to call me. I hope I was not too drugged up to make any sense, LOL.
Damnit I 'd really have this perfect life if I didn;t hvae terminal cancer. COmeon all my religious nutjob pals, pray harder!!!!!
Curt
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Jello
Social climber
No Ut
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Mar 22, 2009 - 06:19pm PT
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Hey, Dirt-friend, thanks for the call yesterday. Sorry I haven't called back yet, but I'm still working to defeat the respiratory infection I've been fighting ever since I came back from visiting you two weeks ago. Trying to talk really ends up in a coughing fit.
As far as that pee-bottle goes, although I only used it a few times while I was there, I only rinsed it out and didn't wash it with soap, so it probably still exudes a certain "essence of el Jeffe". I don't think it's going to bring you much at open auction!
One thing I have to mention that I'm very happy for you for, is the fact you have such wonderful parents. I really enjoyed getting to know Sally and Jim (I kind of wonder how two such kind and generous folks produced such an irrascible curmudgeon as you, though, hahaha!). I know this is a difficult time for them, but also I felt how much good comes back to them for loving you through all this. In a somewhat similar but less acute, fashion, my visiting you is already returning far more positive energy to me, than it took from me to make the trip.
You are one interesting and worthwhile individual, mi amigo. Stay open to miracles - they do happen - but I'm glad you're at peace with the inevitable outcome that we all face: none of us is going to get out of this life alive!
-JelloFriend
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