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IntheFog
climber
Mostly the next place
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Jan 18, 2008 - 01:51pm PT
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I heard the FA team used a studfinder, too.
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Festus
Social climber
Enron by the Sea
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 18, 2008 - 02:02pm PT
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Not sure about figurines, but they may have left a couple Jack-in-the-Box antenna balls from the pre-launch feast.
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Walla Walla, WA
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Jan 18, 2008 - 07:08pm PT
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Ok, this thread has finally beaten the truth out of me. I'll own up to the figurines and stud finder. We weren't going to take the stud finder, but after more than 30 days without our horses, we felt the frequent need to ply it on ourselves to be sure. It always beeped. I'm not sure what that means.
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MSmith
Big Wall climber
Portland, Oregon
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Jan 19, 2008 - 08:06pm PT
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Ok, I've held this for basically my entire adult life. Time to come clean. The first couple of pitches went really well. The finest 9 ply ABX I've ever seen. Roofing nails felt like 16-penny sinkers. But then things started to change as everything turned over to CDX. Rich was leading and yelled down, "Getting sketchy here. This 'plywood', if you can call it that, is barely shop-grade. Unpatched surface knots everywhere. And worse yet, I'm hitting vacancies on every nail. I swear that last nail hit a two-ply void." But it got worse. "Mark, this is a sheet of freaking OSB!" "OSB?", I yelled back incredulously, "We're on the Great Sheet. There shouldn't be any fiberboard up here." Pretty soon he was working up through a patchwork of every kind of fiberboard and drywall that you can imagine when an entire sheet peeled off! The sheet bombed past my left shoulder with a whoosh. As one of those afternoon thunderstorms was rolling though a second and a third eventually fell, amazing landing roughly atop of each other as if guided in flight by a cosmic hand. As Richard put in the anchor the sun came out, creating a surreal scene of mist flowing off of every surface. I looked down to examine the sections of wall now stacked at the base as Rich yelled down, "This route is literally turning into a huge steaming sheet pile." We were in way over our heads, nailing up stuff we were clueless about. I didn't even know what a roofing nail was when left our ranch for this hellhole. But our egos couldn't admit defeat. What we needed was a competitive advantage.
When Richard got back to my anchor his eyes flashed a look of both frustration and determination. We'd been though enough sheets together that I knew what he was thinking. Without a word being exchanged, we rapped off and headed for the local general store. I approached the counter first and, in a slightly hushed voice, asked if they sold stud finders. The store manager gave a long stare. "Bingo," I thought, "They do have 'em." "You boys look a might young to be probing about with stud finders. What's you saddled up to?" Now I couldn't say we were on the Great Sheet, so I coyly said, "We found some new sheet over west of here we're checking out." But he sensed the truth and said, "Sorry, boys, we don't encourage stud finders in these parts." What a lie. No doubt that he'd have produced one if we'd been locals.
Another hour in the saddle took us to the big city where we blended in with the do-it-yourselfers at a Walmart. There it was, the economy stud finder, $12.95. Before I could pick it up Richard said, "Wait up, part'ner. This is what we want" as he reached for the Stanley Professional Deep Probe. I protested that the Deep Probe was taking things too far. But Rich said, "Look, a probe's a probe. It doesn't matter what kind of probe we use when it comes to the Probe Count Tally. "Probe Count Tally?" I queried. Then Richard elaborated, "Look, I know this Big Sheet climbing is all new to you, but we're not just dinking around on the backside of our own barn anymore. In these parts when you publish your topo, you give a Probe Count. How deep you probed doesn't mean squat, just how many probes you made. There's a local ethic brewing to go probeless and install T-nuts instead, but many of the hardest routes like the Sheet Of Dreams were built on deep probing."
So we got back to the Great Sheet, jugged our ropes, strapped on tool belts and went to work. It took awhile to learn how to probe, but with the right tool it was easy. The whole time, though, I knew it was cheating. I felt so dirty inside I couldn't sleep soundly that night. But after a month of doing it, I got to the point of not even thinking. Still, though, to this day the memory of beeping sounds still haunts me.
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E.L. "One"
Big Wall climber
Lancaster, California
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Jan 19, 2008 - 09:58pm PT
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Judas Priest! Festus, so this is what you do when I'm not watching. I will give you credit for injecting a little levity into the WOS thread, but your facts, as usual, are completely distorted. In fact, I was on the F.A. of WOP...solo, and built the damn formation it is on with hard work, a couple of tractors, and a lot of beer. In fact, WOP was a ground up affair, and my rack consisted of 6 three inch eye screws and a selection of large hooks which I gingerly placed in empty holes, drilled during construction, which didn't have T-Bolts. The first pitch ended at 22 ft. where I used a carpenters hand drill to bore holes into the wood where I threaded 9/16 webbing. The second pitch consisted of the hardest wood hooking I have ever done with only one eye screw in the 20 feet to the top. I owe my current success as a bigwaller to the aid skills I perfected while climbing trees and blank wood surfaces early on. There is nothing more satisfying than to rack up with a slew of half slings, select a nice large Oak tree with horizontal branches way off the deck, and girth hitch your way to the selected summit!! At any rate, the first ascent took 2 1/2 hours. Sadly, the route is now inaccesbile as I lost the house, property and climbing wall in divorce. Even sadder, this impressive wood tower is now a 42 ft high playhouse !!! On the second ascent, which is pictured, Jacko and Racko took two hours to get to the top of the first pitch, and the tower support cables were clearly stressed. They never made the top, which is a tribute to the difficulty of this route, and my lack of judgement in selecting climbing partners !!
Cracko
PS Long-standing rumors suggesting that Festus is my brother are simply not true !!
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jan 19, 2008 - 10:49pm PT
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The team, while slowly plying their way, took Saturdays off for the Sabbath. It's rumoured that their religious "observances" were a little out of the ordinary. Dressed in plaid shirts, caulk boots, and suspenders, they belted out a rousing chorus of "We're lumberjacks, and we're ok.", while doing a can can.
The Morals & Ethics Committee is investigating reports that the team wore frilly pink nighties, and included teddies in their 1,200 kg of luggage. A spokesperson said "What kind of style is that? They're making us real he man climbers look like a bunch of pansies. I mean, they don't know the secret password or have a decoder ring or anything." It seemed that (some of the committee's members) had either a chip on their shoulder, or possibly a woody.
All participants were shortly after sentenced to a visit to the Total Perspective Vortex http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Total_Perspective_Vortex
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IntheFog
climber
Mostly the next place
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Jan 19, 2008 - 11:00pm PT
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"Stud finder"? Where'd that come from?
I said, "studfinder," and I'm the FPTUAPWIAT (First Person to use a Particular Word in a Thread).
I hope the responsible parties will own up to what they did.
And while we're at it, how come everybody's talking about sinkers? Maybe I spent too much time on stairs and floors, but in my book, nothing beats hot-dipped zinc.
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MSmith
Big Wall climber
Portland, Oregon
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Jan 19, 2008 - 11:11pm PT
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the team wore frilly pink nighties, and included teddies in their 1,200 kg of luggage
THAT'S A LIE!!!!
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E.L. "One"
Big Wall climber
Lancaster, California
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Jan 19, 2008 - 11:14pm PT
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Mighty Hiker,
It is quite possible that either of the two members of the attempted second ascent of WOW were sporting wood, and I won't speculate as to why. A little more history on wood ascents.
While visiting brother Jacko in Grass Valley a few years ago, I suggested a first ascent on a 100 ft. Jeffery Pine in his back yard. He reluctantly agreed, and I quickly racked up with 8 eye screws and slings and cast off. During the gut-wrenchingly exposed first 40 feet, I was forced to place five eye screws in a row before the diameter of the tree decreased to a point where I could girth hitch a large sling around it for upward progress.
That led to the first branch which enabled me to free climb for another 20 ft. until I reached a suitable place for a belay. Some 70 ft off the ground I slapped in a two sling belay and rapped to the ground. Jacko then got out the jumars and attempted to clean the pitch but came to a grinding halt at the forty foot level due to brutal technique, and had to be lowered to the ground. Our plan was to add another pitch to the climb during my next visit which would entail chain-sawing off a few branches to clear the way. I suggested to Jacko that he "work" the climb a few times before my next vist to assure it's viability. Upon my return a year later, the first ascent eye screws were completely buried by tree sap, and the pitch was never "worked" after the first ascent. Damit! wood ascents are challenging affairs that require frequent maintenance and vision.
I am confident that the route will go to the 100 ft level, and hold my brother accountable for failure to maintain the project.
Fortunately, no one thus far has objected to the style of the first attempt, although my brother's Jack Russell did crap at the base of the tree !!!
Cracko
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Jan 19, 2008 - 11:23pm PT
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Mr. Smith has denied the part about the pink nighties and the teddies. Which must mean everything else is TRUE!
(Climbers at Squamish have front pointed up trees, and nailed them. It gets kind of rainy around here.)
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MSmith
Big Wall climber
Portland, Oregon
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Jan 19, 2008 - 11:26pm PT
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Mr. Smith has denied the part about the pink nighties and the teddies. Which must mean everything else is TRUE!
IT IS NOT ALL TRUE!!! For example, we only hauled 1,000 kg of, um, stuff, not the 1,200 kg you report.
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madbolter1
Big Wall climber
Walla Walla, WA
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Jan 20, 2008 - 01:03am PT
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I want to set the record straight about some of the speculations that have been appearing on this thread! I know it's a free country, but you people are NOT at liberty to spew all the CRAP there has been on this thread in the name of "free speech." There are LAWS against saying just any sort of wild thing that comes into your head, and, furthermore, lest I be completely misunderstood on this critical subject, there is a DEEP philosophical issue at play here, and I am determined to set you all straight about it!
It has been CLAIMED that we were singing, "We're lumberjacks, and we're ok." That paints us as arrogant jerks, which we are NOT!!! You are NOT at liberty to speculate about our characters like that. What we actually were singing was, "We're lumberjacks, and we're not too bad." There is a HUGE difference, and if we were singing the former rather than the latter, I would remember because of the meticulous records I was keeping!!!
Holy crapola, Batman! Find out the FACTS before you spew!!!
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Jaybro
Social climber
The West
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Jan 20, 2008 - 01:19am PT
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Hoh man, I'm going to pop a gut!
I'm sure you guys, all of you guys (wingers, porters, canadians, cardiac rehabers,... others)
will feel better and sleep sounder for this!
How did mr smooth, who surfs up the tallest plywood this side of Mavericks, miss this one?
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Festus
Social climber
Enron by the Sea
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 20, 2008 - 03:24am PT
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Talk about delusions of grandeur! While Cracko does, in fact, correctly identify the pictured FA team on Wings of Plywood, he goes on to claim that it was actually the route's second ascent, and that he not only did the first--solo--but built the tower it ascends??!! This claim is a bit embarrassing for me to discuss publicly, other than to say it is complete hallucination, and all the court needed to see to grant me power of attorney over my brother's affairs. That last fact doesn't commit me to much, aside from deciding who gets his Ugg boots when he croaks from a tainted corn dog at the Antelope Valley Spittoon Festival...or drunkenly stumbles into the monster backhoe semi-finals.
And I have no idea who MSmith and madbolter are, but for them to joke about this epic and respected climb, albeit of a lesser known climbing mecca, is, is--hey, wait a minute! I think they may simply have their climbs confused. Their accounts square with those from the first ascent of the WalMart of the Early Morning Light, in Victorville. If so, hats off, boys! That's a stellar route in them parts.
Everybody in Antelope Valley knows that the formation which Wings of Plywood ascends is a result of the food shopping habits of locals. No grocery store chain can manage a foothold in A.V., and the Wings of Plywood spire rose when an aspiring Arco station franchisee realized he could make a killing with a four-story AM-PM mini market. Alas, he lost the funds needed to finish the project when his meth lab exploded and his food stamps were revoked. As for the deluded Cracko, parts of his delusion are born of fact. He did lose the property adjacent to that on which Wings of Plywood rises, and in the manner he describes. Which reminds me of the old A.V. joke: What's the difference between an Antelope Valley divorce and a tornado?
Either way, someone is fixin' to lose a trailer.
Admittedly, Cracko has built a few half-ass wood test pieces, his finest effort being the traverse wall at the Quartz Hill Country Club (pictured below during the grand opening).
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Jaybro
Social climber
The West
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Jan 20, 2008 - 03:38am PT
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Not to break character or anything but... Any of ya'll have any insights on how to talk, 'powers that be' into the view that it's okay to have a climbing wall on a middle school campus and even pay for it? They've been doing it in the the Uk since Ron Fawcett was a tyke. can it be worse than a jungle gym?
anyway some places have them, if you know or hear anything please share.
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Festus
Social climber
Enron by the Sea
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 20, 2008 - 03:54am PT
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Dammit, Jaybro! You're forcing me to confess that my brother actually owns a legit climbing wall, and tows it onto his middle school campus for climbing competitions. I think he even started a climbing club for his students. But he does all this wearing Ugg boots.
You got any other inexcusable thread drift in mind, take it off forum!
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dirtineye
Trad climber
the south
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Jan 20, 2008 - 10:14am PT
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Any gutless wonder using eye hooks has sawdust for brains. Screw eyes are for LOSERS who should not be on the big sheet in the first place. Roofing nails should be used to keep the commitment level high. This is the way it has ALWAYS been done.
IF the figurines were not hand painted by native Americans, you're in a world of hurt there too.
Hell you guys are pikers at any rate. back in the day, I hitched and freed my way up to the top of a 5 inch sapling to rescue a cat, and didn't even bother to record the ascent. IT was TC, totally clean, rapped off a fork with the cat in a back pack. I'm calling it W5, for Wood 5.
See how much good your precious stud finder is on a REAL woody-- NOTHING but wood! Saplings, done free or at least metal free-- to the summit! THAT"S the real deal.
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Festus
Social climber
Enron by the Sea
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Topic Author's Reply - Jan 20, 2008 - 10:47am PT
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radical,
clearly you've never driven through Quartz Hill.
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MSmith
Big Wall climber
Portland, Oregon
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Jan 20, 2008 - 11:32am PT
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So saying that WOP is a mere W4 POS isn't good enough, huh?...Now you even deny that I FA'd the route, producing some carefully angled pics to try to prove your case. Hey, this thread is about Me, Myself, and I. My ego, my wounds, my feelings. Now you want it to be about you, your wall, your A.V. accomplishments. Fine, I'm outta here. This is my last WOP post. If you talk more trash about me and I don't respond, don't assume it's not because I don't have something to say. Humph.
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E.L. "One"
Big Wall climber
Lancaster, California
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Jan 20, 2008 - 12:28pm PT
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Jaybro,
I got the beta on breaking through the "powers that be" to establish a climbing wall on a public school campus, complete with risk management statistics (cheerleading happens to be the school activity with the highest per capita serious injury and death!), and a well written presentation to the School Board. Of course, a superintendent who's into off-road racing doesn't hurt !! Now let me get back to defending myself against those who wish continue to question my character and competence !!
Cracko
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