Flatulance forced bailage...

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Trevor

Big Wall climber

Escondido, CA

Sep 22, 2007 - 03:03pm PT

DMT, YOU ARE MY BUTT HERO! I laughed soooo hard when I read your stories.

happiegrrrl

Trad climber

New York, NY

Sep 22, 2007 - 03:28pm PT

This summer, I hung out with a guy for a while at Camp Slime. he was a teacher on summer hiatus.

He had a green camp chair you know the type. Simple rectangle of nylon-type fabric with a folding X aluminum base.

So, we're all sitting around and talking, and teacher makes the slightest shift.

{insert whoopee-cushion fartish sound}.....

We all look at him and he declares "Oh! The chair! One of my students(5th grade) gave this too me for an end of the school year gift."

I ask...."So - do you think he knew the chair farted when he bought it?"

Teacher tell us that yes, in fact, the kid was aware. Tells us the story of the gifting at last class of the year's end, and how he is so moved by the gift. He wants the kid to know how much it means to him and so of course he deboxes the chair, sets it up and sits down....pfffffttttt....

The kids all laugh their hearts out.

Teacher is a GOOD one, and finds an excellent comeback....

The principal just happens to be walking by the classroom, and so he calls him in.

"Look at this!" he tells principal. "Little Freddy gave me this excellent camp chair, because he knows how much I love camping. Here -sit down, try it out!"

The principal sits....pffffffttttt.....

The teacher had no only passed the fake gas, but he also passed being the butt of the joke right down(or up) the line.

Later in the day, he asked the kid if he bought the chair because it farted, and the kid covered his mouth to stifle the laughter as best he could, and then broke down, admitting that yes, he had known.

Jay Wood

Trad climber

Fairfax, CA

Sep 25, 2007 - 03:55am PT

Many years ago, on the way to Tuolumne, we crashed at an un-approved place on Friday night. We set up tents for some reason- cold, I guess, and fortunately I was in the other tent.... John really had it going on, ripping loud and deadly farts at regular intervals. Bob protested, but I think he was overcome, as his replies gradually became weak groans, like you would hear from a semi-conscious victim of a vicious mugging. (Also Bob) and I laughed, of course, but with rising concern. Their tent seemed to positively glow with gas vapors, and the noxious cloud extended for many feet around it. I began to imagine the fireball that could result from a simple static charge- induced spark, and wonder about the severity of the damage that might result. Maybe just a lot of hair singed off, but then, the tent would also burn, which could cause 2nd degree burns, if not set off a forest fire! Miraculously, we all made it through the night, and, just like you now wouldn't go hunting with Dick Cheney, and despite his many fine qualities, I haven't shared a tent with John since.

Sparky

Trad climber

vagabon movin on

Oct 8, 2007 - 12:32pm PT

Scotland's ban on smoking in pubs has backfired, so to speak, on a regular customer whose constant habit of breaking wind has now resulted in his expulsion from his favorite watering hole.

Stewart Laidlaw, 35, is being barred from Thirsty Kirsty's in Dunfermline, Fife, for failing to control his flatulence.

"No one could smell anything when the pub was full of cigarette smoke," Laidlaw told Wales on Sunday. "I never used to complain about the smell of their cigarette smoke, but now everyone complains about me. It's just a natural thing. What can I do about it? I must be the first person in the country to get banned from a pub for passing wind. But it's not a title I want. I certainly don't see it as funny."

The pub's owner is crying foul, saying the stench has become unbearable since the country's smoking ban went into effect last year. He thinks drinkers could have been breathing in the waft for years without ever noticing it.

Laidlaw says the ban just snuck up on him, taking him by complete surprise.

"I went in and basically he turned round and said, 'Stewart, that's the last fart you do in this pub. Get out.' I didn't even have a chance to draw breath," he told the Dumfermline Press.

"I just walked in and that's all he said to me. I don't know if he meant I'd done it before or just then. He didn't let me ask. What I remember when I walked in was there was a guy playing pool and it was already stinking and everyone was laughing. It could have been anyone. I've probably done it in the past – when you're drinking and having a laugh you don't think about it – but that's not the point. I must be the first person in Dunfermline to get banned from a pub for passing wind. I'm really angry about the way I've been treated. He's making a mountain out of a molehill."

John Thow, the landlord at the pub, is blasting back, saying the long-term flatulence was beyond a joke.

"It is just disgusting," he told the Press. "He revels in this and does it all the time and it's absolutely foul, it would make you sick. Since the smoking ban he's made a career out of this. He has been warned and asked politely to stop it on many occasions.

"We are a bus station pub and trying to keep new customers. The final straw was when an old gentleman came in and had his gin and tonic and the old guy was almost sick.

"Other people have dropped handbags, shall we say. But when everybody's choking and I come out with the spray and say don't do it again, they will appreciate that and stop it.

"His defense is, 'It wasn't all this when I had to put up with the smoking.' Everybody can pass wind but when you make a hobby of it, it is going too far.

"He will clear the pub out usually and he thinks it is very funny. I don't have to give him a reason for not serving him but I did, maybe thinking he would learn his lesson. But if he can't see the error of his ways it's a lost cause.

"I don't want him back. I don't need that behavior. It has been detected for about a year [since the smoking ban], but it might have been going on for a lot longer than that.

"If we have to apologize to other customers for him, then that's too much."

Dick_Lugar

Trad climber

Indiana

Oct 8, 2007 - 01:55pm PT

That's why I always pack an extra bottle of "Beano" tablets or lactose intolerant tabs (not really, but if I had a hang-up with flatulence, I suppose I would)

Willoughby

Social climber

Truckee, CA

Oct 14, 2014 - 11:07am PT

Dingus, that was hikarious but it sounds like you may have a medical condition.

Jon Beck

Trad climber

Oceanside

Oct 14, 2014 - 11:21am PT

Seven years and it hasn't slowed him down, must have made him stronger, or made everyone else weaker.

Norwegian

Trad climber

dancin on the tip of god's middle finger

Oct 14, 2014 - 11:36am PT

dingus i totally got you one up
any ol' spanker can make 'is climbing mates puke,
but only a true master of flatulence can
make his pregnant wife puke in
a 40 mile an hour cross wind
on the golden gate bridge.

i paid hell for that,
i didn't mean for her to smell it.
she was all touchy in her gestating condition
and i thought i was safe in the
gale with car exhausts 2' away.

i shite you not i 'burped' one out
and it went straight to her
closest nostril and she leaned over
the railing and let thai food
free, only it didn't fall it flew
up and about and all over her
and a few Asian tourists to boot,
though miraculously none got on me.

despite your bowel inferiority,
i greatly enjoyed your story.

Charlie D.

Trad climber

Western Slope, Tahoe Sierra

Oct 14, 2014 - 03:24pm PT

Thanks Dingus!!! LMFAO here in the office, climbers are funny....I rest my case.

hobo_dan

Social climber

Minnesota

Oct 14, 2014 - 03:56pm PT

Farting--it's such sweet sorrow

E. Abbey

Barbarian

climber

Oct 14, 2014 - 04:11pm PT

If I recall, there was a story about Ament and Kor in the Black Canyon. I don't think it resulted in a bail, however, it did cause Kor to lead pitches with a certain "sense of purpose" (as if he wasn't racing up them already!).

Pat - You want to weigh in on this one?

whoops

climber

paradise, ca

Oct 14, 2014 - 08:08pm PT

LMAO over DMT's story. Read it again and laughed twice as hard. Then I got to this........

"The worthless child in the front row, who never so much as breathed the entire year, comes to life and shouts "he farted!"
The mob scene from frankenstein was calm compared to my students as they ran out of my room grabbing anyone and shaking them saying "Mr. hobo farted"

I was still trying to recover from DMT saw this and lost it. I was laughing, constricting my stomach muscles which caused me to fart, which sent me into gales of laughter, which caused my stomach muscles to constrict and you guessed it....more farting. Man I haven't laughed this hard in years. Felt really good. Thx guys.

Each to their own but if you can't laugh at a good fart or fart story you ain't been raised properly.

Brad