Discussion Topic |
|
This thread has been locked |
NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
|
Divorce has been the most painful and regretful thing in my life, and the legacy and details of it are still demanding my attention 5.5 years later. But, the only thing worse would have been not getting a divorce!
Hang in there. As much as it sucks, learn from it and move on. Peace, contentment, and happiness can be yours!
Edit: If you have kids and want to remain engaged in their lives, and if you have any doubts about reaching an amicable agreement with your ex (or if there are any signs of vindictiveness in their character), consult a lawyer BEFORE you move out of the house.
|
|
jonnyrig
Trad climber
formerly known as hillrat
|
|
Get the best attorney you can afford.
I didnt. It cost me $45k.
Then, I got the attorney. She cost me another $23k.
All in about four years. Its finally done.
Would have been easier with the good attorney at the beginning. Live and learn.
|
|
NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
|
If things are ugly and you have a bad attorney or no attorney, and the other party pays for a good attorney, there's a reasonable chance you'll end up paying the bills for the other party's good attorney. Provable facts are pretty irrelevant if you aren't playing the court game by the proper rules and if you don't have a good enough lawyer to stop the other party from violating the rules and getting away with it.
|
|
ThomasKeefer
Trad climber
San Diego
|
|
|
Topic Author's Reply - Oct 8, 2013 - 02:06pm PT
|
I am not planning to get divorced... but I am curious about this since I know plenty of people that regret getting married in the first place. I was seperated a while back and in the end we worked it out.
Thought alot about the "grass is always greener" argument during that time and in end was pretty convinced and oddly, I have very few friends who are divorced.
Thanks for the perspectives.. they are interesting.
|
|
JEleazarian
Trad climber
Fresno CA
|
|
I'd be curious about the feelings of children of divorced parents. As soon as you have children, the equation changes, because your own happiness is not the only consideration.
I personally don't know. I'm a month from my 30th anniversary, and my younger sisters have been married 39 and 41 years. My parents marriage lasted until my father died. For all of that, I'm exceedingly grateful.
John
|
|
NutAgain!
Trad climber
South Pasadena, CA
|
|
Kids do change everything.
My parents divorced when I was 4. I saw my dad a few times per year. I'm 40 now, and I see my dad once a month. Ironically, my own experience with divorce and children has given me a lot more perspective on how my dad handled things, given me more respect for him, and our relationship now is stronger than ever.
But not having a deeper connection with my dad, and the access to the wisdom that could have provided, was a factor in me making the biggest mistake of my life and repeating the cycle in a marriage doomed from the start. C'est la vie.
As soon as kids came in the picture (5 years after the marriage), my earlier reasons for not divorcing seemed stupid and petty and childish. After years of consideration and reflection, the decision to divorce hinged on choosing the lesser evil for the kids.
|
|
j-tree
Big Wall climber
Classroom to crag to summer camp
|
|
When my parents got divorced, my two siblings and all all thought the same thing, "what took you guys so long?"
|
|
Willoughby
Social climber
Truckee, CA
|
|
marriage is like climbing:
some people flash it
some people redpoint it
some people never get it
and some people like off widths
Cracked me up.
|
|
mechrist
Gym climber
South of Heaven
|
|
I split up with a girl I was considering marrying. One of the worst decisions I made in life. But whatever... things worked out okay.
|
|
Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 05:03pm PT
|
I've just been booted from my home of 15 years with 2 kids. 'Tis a dark day...
|
|
MikeL
climber
SANTA CLARA, CA
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 05:42pm PT
|
This will probably get me in trouble with the women here, but it seems to me that men lead to break-ups differently than women. It seems evident when men are starting of thinking of quitting their roles.
On the other hand, women suffer for long periods of time in silence with themselves, not confiding in their husbands or mates until the scales have irrevocably been tipped. When they do finally tip, the deal is done emotionally. It's over. Their mind changes, and in almost no instance that I've seen can they go back once they've disconnected emotionally. Then there's nothing that men can do to change or rectify any problem that's been eating away at their woman.
The point of saying this is that men need to know that women can be suffering and not talking about it, especially if men are strong-willed, and confident, and are not adept at picking-up on weak signals.
Talk to your women, listen to them--and really hear them, and do it on a regular basis. Don't assume that if something critical is clear to you, that it's clear to them.
"So, how have you been feeling these days?"
These days I'M the one who demands conversations, and I stick with them until they are resolved--although I may have to make that happen in half-steps until we're done. I don't give up until we've finally come to an understanding that leads to a plan.
|
|
Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 06:02pm PT
|
you hit the nail on the head Mike.
|
|
Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 06:33pm PT
|
I found, when I told my previous husband that I was leaving, he was STUNNED. STUNNED.
And that stunned me.
How could he have not seen it coming? I mean, I talked to him about issues. I told him clearly that if X didn't change, I'd have to go. We'd gone to counseling. (He quit going). I don't know how else I could have expressed that this was S.E.R.I.O.U.S.
He continues to tell folks that he never saw my departure coming. He was 100% shocked by it.I can't see how that's the case, but I honor his reality. Still baffles me though.
edit: And I'm sorry to hear about what you are going through Lambone. It isn't easy leaving or being asked to leave.
|
|
Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 06:48pm PT
|
though i have flashes of brilliant contribution,
mostly i've been a mean and under-accomplished drunk
for the past handful of years.
my wife finally drew the line and
started packing.
i realized that my fears were materializing
in front of my eyes.
i pleaded.
she was done.
i promised.
she wanted none.
i threatened, but i had nothing to work with.
finally i offered her a hope:
i'll not sip a booze for a year.
i'll not offer a mean word or jesture for a year.
if, in the next year, i breach either of the two above referenced thresholds, i'd pack for her.
i'd sign over my half of our equity to her,
and i'd continue to work and pay towards her well-being
(not that she needs it.)
i'm hanging on by a thin cord,
though in the past two weeks,
i see that she is proud of me and my progress.
if you got any options left, lambone,
throw yourself at them.
you seem like a tough dude.
|
|
ms55401
Trad climber
minneapolis, mn
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 08:02pm PT
|
Mugs Stump on women: "The f*#king you get isn't worth the f*#king you get."
|
|
splitter
Trad climber
SoCal Hodad, surfing the galactic plane
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 08:25pm PT
|
"Tis better to have loved and lost than to have never loved at all."
|
|
jgill
Boulder climber
Colorado
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 08:43pm PT
|
On the other hand, women suffer for long periods of time in silence with themselves, not confiding in their husbands or mates until the scales have irrevocably been tipped. When they do finally tip, the deal is done emotionally. It's over. (MikeL)
Exactly.
Here's a quote from someone: "Men view marriage as women view having children"
|
|
wilbeer
Mountain climber
honeoye falls,ny.greeneck alleghenys
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 08:52pm PT
|
How is it about when you come home one day after framing a house and there is a note"I have left for 2 weeks to go to europe,I am not coming back".
Shock in relationships was nothing new to me.
Deceit was.
Standing in the Jefferson River,Montana,mending flies,my best friend approached with a joint in his hand,saying "We've gotta talk".
It turns out another close friend had been with my wife,for over a year.
It was bad enough,for sure.But knowing my good friends had known[for awhile] floored me.I not only lost what I thought was a caring wife,I have lost a couple of friends to boot.
So here I am,on a saturday night,sitting home with my 3 dogs.
The house that I built will be sold soon,somewhere around Christmas.The whole deal was built around 2 incomes,I cannot sustain and will be moving on in the dead of winter.
I will be OK.I have a piece of land,and will begin again.
Thank You for all that you have shared on this deeply personal subject.
It has sincerely helped knowing I am not alone. Terence.
|
|
BLUEBLOCR
Social climber
joshua tree
|
|
|
Oct 26, 2013 - 11:56pm PT
|
Best day EVER on this thread!!!!
Maybe on the Taco!
I'm shoulder to shoulder with you all ( except for what "Jim Thinks").
Sully: I DIG URS!
Weeg: UR BEST EVER!!!! LUV YA BRO!
MikeL: ALWAYS LOVE URS!!!!
Lambone: I'm swing'in right with ya! I gave her the house. But I refuse to give up "the Home" I built with my daughter. EVERYTHING is FOR the children!
I jus got in a big aurguement with the "X" over what our 7yro daughter was going to wear for Halloween. Can you believe that a mother would dress her daughter up as a "Vampire Crack Whore" copying the "Monsters Inc." thats crippling our children today.
And.. Why are schools, and Cummunity Centers, starting Halloween today? On a Saturday, and Halloween isn't untill next Thurs.????
Edit: Now; back to a REALLY good baseball game go'in on.
i wanna watch the World Series.
Jack Nicholas in "The One Who Flew Over The Cokoo's Nest"
|
|
|
SuperTopo on the Web
|
Let us know!