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John M
climber
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Putting someone in a home is a tough decision. Especially if they have times of lucidity. But sometimes that time comes. I hope that you are preparing yourself to make that decision. Your life is just as valuable as hers.
Take care Patrick. Not just of her, but of yourself. You sure bit off a tough one.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Hardman Knott, Survival, Clode and others, thanks for the feedback and I do take on board what you say, but i hope that I can work it out, with the help of the pros.
Cheers
DPatrick (my original handle on the Taco Stand until I asked ChrisMac to change it to me, Patrick Sawyer) and Douggie, which will not be used again.
Yours
Douglas Patrick Sawyer
EDIT
What a forum, the best. If I was religious, may the heavens look favourably on you all.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Patrick, if you don't mind me asking, exactly what would it take to sort out the rent situation?
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Crock, I get you and I understand. Heads up and positive thinking. You, and others, have helped me to clarify my mind and my duty.
Now it is up to me.
Cheers Crock. Best wishes and good vibes.
Paddy
EDIT
Patrick, if you don't mind me asking, exactly what would it take to sort out the rent situation?
Survival, winning the lottery, but I am not holding my breath, just fingers crossed.
I'll survive (my mom's favourite saying... "I'll survive".)
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Hankster, yeah, I seemed to be caught up in the moment on that one. I do not have to reread my posts on that topic, it was just knee-jerk reactions. It taught me a lesson.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Hankster, you have nothing to be sorry about. I sent you sent an email. In cyberspace, messages and meanings can be misconstrued.
I have some issues, and I hopefully I will work them out. Cheers dude. If you do not object to calling you dude, I know that it is informal, and we do not know each other, but...
EDIT
Okay, here's the plan, Jennie has a week of respite care coming up (when? don't ask me). So I load the kayak with my climbing gear and head for Gogarth (Dream of White Horses, a biggie on my tick list) across the Irish Sea, the Stena Ferry would get me there faster, but the kayak is a less expensive choice, and I'd be in better shape when I reached Holyhead.
I just have to make sure that the sea will be calm. Yeah, right.
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
the crowd MUST BE MOCKED...Mocked I tell you.
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Focus on just one thing at a time. The background noise is just that.
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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Douggie,
I, for one, have been there. Please remember..this too shall pass.
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Mungeclimber, the background noise?
Is that the Stena Ferry's 'wake' as it washes me overboard in my kayak? I Dream of White Horses.
Best wishes to you all, Taco Standers.
Damo62, Douggie, that was just a user name, once and for all. Patrick. Though when my mom was mad at me she used to call me Douglas. Then I knew I was in trouble.
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just a guy
Sport climber
yucktown
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Patrick,please read my original post here. After years of lurking here and getting to know people, I thought I'd had enough, too. The people I lived with and climb with on the Eastside weren't even aware of the things that I was going through. I felt exactly like what you described. The folks here ARE great. Grab onto anyone of them and you will find a caring and helpful soul. You are stronger than you think.....
Quick edit-things got even worse after my original post.....lost that house,moved into a 27 ft. travel trailer with my 16 yo son and 80lb dog(when one of us stood up, we ALL stood up. Gave the bed to my son and dog and slept on the floor for three months. Volunteered alot for my welfare money, but that led to a small part time job. Was able to get a 1 bd mobile home, small steps, brother. If I had taken the out that I had planned, my family would be coming up on the anniversy of my planned "act". Instead, thay have a family member who is alive and gratefull for everything that he does have. No matter how small or insignificient it may be to anyone else. Don't give up 5 minutes before a miricle can happen!
While I don't have much to give, whatever I do have is yours. Time,a few bucks, an ear, a place in Cal to stay, whatever.
Just A Guy......(who took a similar journey)
P.S. I also haven't been on any rock since this started, if ya stick around I'll save my first trip back out there to climb with ya. Deal?
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Patrick Sawyer
climber
Originally California now Ireland
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Just a guy, thanks. Your travails speak volumes. You give me hope. I lived in a trailer (after the English authorities kicked me out of Britain), on my mom's property in Walnut Creek, with my Welsh dog, Ci (border collie and lab) as I was finishing my degree at Cal State Hayward (now Cal State East Bay), using the showers in the actors' dressing room in the theatre.
We people have to stick together. And the the time I was busted for using the Curry employee showers back in... oh forget it, first and only time I had a gun drawn on me (by a Yosemite ranger).
Taco Standers are great.
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Spider Savage
Mountain climber
The shaggy fringe of Los Angeles
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Patrick, You may have a pretty rough life right now, but that will change some day. You have many warm friends, here and elsewhere. You have a wide open future.
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Michelle
Social climber
Toshi's Station, picking up power converters.
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I had a feeling this was you Patrick. I'll pm you since I'm not going to air everything here. However, as one who nearly succeeded, TWICE ( no joke, I was gone), I can tell you that NOTHING is worth that decision. We can all type words of encouragement, love and support until our hands fall off, but none of that matters until YOU make a decision. I found that yes, I really REALLY!! want to live. Right now, a lot of my life sucks balls, but I remind myself, often, that it WILL change. 2 steps forward one step back, but no matter how slow, the progress comes.
And seriously, I doubt you're going to sail out into the sunset bro. Drowning is painful.I think you are desperately depressed and overwhelmed. I get that, but SAY that, not these suicide words. If you really wanted to suceed, you would. Reaching out for help is great, but take that one off the table, lest people keep hearing it and stop giving a damn. I've seen that happen too. Get therapy or spiritual guidance. Consider that you CANNOT effectively care for someone else while not taking care of you.
namaste
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kennyt
climber
Woodfords,California
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Do you think anyone in your life would be better off without you? I doubt it.
M man, Maybe some people are just better equipped to handle certain things.
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Leggs
Sport climber
Home away from Home
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never give up.... ever.
count to three... it makes a difference.
~peace to you...
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damo62
Social climber
Brisbane
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So Manzanita Man, on your journey from homeless to carnival to where you are now(?)... you've not learned compassion?
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Hey Patrick, hang in there, bro. It saddens me to hear your depression. And I think that's all it is. This talk of riding off into the sunset is counter-intuitive.
I'm sorry for your partner. I really am. I said a prayer for the both of you. You cannot give in though, my brother. Take a trip, get some sun, or just do something to get yourself right again.
I know how ya feel about winter and all. My wife hates me in winter because I become bitchy and miserable. I'm a sun-boy, always have been. Even in California I get bitchy when sh#t goes south of 55F.
Try and be bold. You have a good spirit and this talk of giving up is no-bueno, and not the Paddy I knew.
If you guys wanna come to this side of the pond, I have a room you could occupy. And I have a young 4 yr old spirit (my son) that would blow your socks off. He's a blast!
Hang tough, Paddy. Your friends love ya~!
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Life is tough...EVERYONE has issues, really tough problems that they think are unique to them. Always remember....you are not alone and you can get through your troubles. Persevere, be patient and seek help from friends and loved ones.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Manzanita, I kinda agree with you and your plight. And God bless ya for persevering, but sometimes compassion is warranted.
Sometimes a man (or woman) gets pulled down through no fault of their own. This is when society and charity should pull up the slack, get these people back on belay.
Have a heart bro, it sounds like you endured some hard times yourself.
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John M
climber
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My sister still blames my parents for her attitudes. I told her a couple of years ago that she left home at 18 and has lived on her own for 32 years. Sure those first 18 years are important formative years, and it truly sucks if you had abusive foster parents, but I quit blaming my parents for my attitudes a long time ago because I didn't want to give them that power anymore.
I don't know how old you are manaznita man, but its something to think about. Do you really want to continue to give your foster parents the power to form your attitudes?
And yes.. I do fully understand that those are powerful years and its difficult to rise above the things that we are taught and the things that happen to us during those years, but I also know that its possible to take back ones power and to put an end to it. It takes a lot of work, and sometimes some serious help, but it is possible. A counselor who does EMDR work would be very helpful in that.
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