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ncskains
Trad climber
Nome, Alaska
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Jul 15, 2012 - 04:58am PT
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Two funny as hell ones...
3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form
Price: $114.00
Availability: In Stock
4 used & new from $114.00
11 of 11 people found the following review helpful
Our Testes, Ourselves, March 27, 2012
This review is from: 3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form (Misc.)
I must say, this is BY FAR the greatest pair of simulated disease-infested balls that I, for one, have ever owned (I'm a collector). The W43014 is such an improvement over the W43013 that it's hard to believe they're even made by the same company.
Other simulated disease-infested balls that I've owned covered some of your more baseline diseases, like the clap, or herpes, or maybe an HPV wart outbreak... but none of them have ever gone the extra mile and simulated life-threatening testicular cancer! A fine pair indeed!
Another bonus - I discovered last week (when I had taken my son to football practice and grabbed the wrong gym-bag on the way out) that the 3B Scientific W43014 Testicle Self Exam Form is ONE HECK of a mouthguard. My son plays center, so gaurding his teeth/jaw is especially important. Well... he must have really looked fierce, because just the look of him with his war face on and the W43014 stuffed in his mouth was often enough to make the opposing lineman fall to the ground, bright red with fear. DE-FENSE!!!
If I had to pick something I don't like, it has to be the lack of complexion options available for this product. Look, most days the standard color ("Suburban White-Guy Pink" I think they call it?) is fine, but sometimes, well, I just feel like hunting for tumors in a less familiar beanbag. I think an African-American model, or perhaps even a nice olive-complected mediterranean look would be nice additions to the W43014 simulated disease-infested balls family.
Good nuts though, seriously!
Club Clean Club & Ball Cleaner
Price: $39.95 - $69.99
Availability: In Stock
 of 1 people found the following review helpful
Man am I Embarrassed!, March 26, 2012
This review is from: Club Clean Club & Ball Cleaner (Misc.)
So I get this ball washer, in camo, for my birthday. The thing is I guess the box wasn't attractive or something, because my wife had taken it out of the box and put it on one of those foo-foo sparkly bags with tissue paper(the ones that everyone acts like they paid five bucks for at Hallmark but actually bought by the dozen at the dollar store).
So at any rate, I look in the bag and I see this thing. The first thing I think is it's like a joystick for my old Atari, with like an ashtray on it or something (because heLLO that would FREAKING RULE!), but after looking for the cord I realize it's probably(?) not electrical in nature. So I look at my wife, and I'm like: Hey honey, WTF???
So she looks at me with this DUH look, and says, "Honey, it's a ball-washer..."
So my inner dialog is like: A ball washer? Why would she get me this? I mean, I know I could be cleaner... but I do try most of the time, and when we're like "together" she usually never says anything or like winces or anything when she's in "the area" or whatever.
So at this point it's my birthday, and the last thing I want to do is talk about my hygiene. Besides, Jersey Shore is starting and that situation guy makes me chuckle. So I give her a kiss and accept the ball washer, I just want her to be happy, ya know? So I throw it in the den by my chair and forget about it.
Ok, so like three weeks later I'm sitting there watching Columbo, and well, I gotta be honest: I smell something. I had been sitting there for awhile, like two days, so was I really that shocked? Not really. So I just happened to look over and there's my camo ball-washer just staring at me, like HELLO STINKY BOY! All I had handy was some of that blue carwash stuff from Pep Boys... the stuff in the big jug that's like four bucks. So I pour a bunch in there, add some hot tap water, shake it up and bada-bing-bada-boom I am in business! "Those are gonna be some clean balls" I remember thinking... man, hindsight really is 20/20.
So I "do my thing" with the washer and I've gotta say that using that ball washer was more painful than just about every single thing I've ever done with my balls. Well, there is this other time, but this review is already too long. So I jerk this thing around, the bristles man... just OUCH!
Here's the thing though: when I was all done... my god man you shoulda seen them balls! I mean they were sparkling like Kay Jewelers! Magnificent, really good stuff. I was in a lot of pain, true, but the glossy shine was off the charts!
So now I'm standing there and I start thinking that I should put some of that carnuaba wax in there and do it again, you know, make the water bead off them puppies, when I realize my wife has been standing there watching me. Honestly I figured it was a little weird, but she should be happy I'm finally using something she bought me, right? Not so. She had a look on her face that pulsated between astonishment and terror. It really was something, that look. New one on me.
So she starts screaming at me what the bleep this and what the bleep that (I really wasn't listening, Jersey Shore was on by now), and I'm like "Honey, I'm using the ball washer! What's the big deal!" So now laughter is pulsating in between the terror and the astonishment, and she tells me what we all now know: It's a golf-ball washer.
A golf ball washer. Go figure. And here I am so proud of myself... I mean, I didn't have the paperwork or anything, I'm thinking I did ok? So now I realize just how crazy this all must look, and I put it down on the carpet and start putting my pants on, trying to play it off somehow.
Well I blame her for what happened next, because she's the one that chose the camouflaged finish on this thing, not me! She walks over to call me more names or something, doesn't see the camo ball-washer right in front of her, kicks it over, spills the dirty ball water all over the place, and goes for a foots-in-the-air slide right into the dirty ball-water and carwash puddle. I noticed that smell was back a little too.
I guess the point of this story is that them foo-foo bags, while they may look nice, can cause real issues if you throw away the original packing material of the gift inside. We spent all day with a wet-vac, and my wife had to go to chiropractor five or six times before everything was ok again.
OH, I almost forgot, this ball washer does a GREAT job on golf balls, although I keep losing the thing.
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philo
Trad climber
Somewhere halfway over the rainbow
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Jul 15, 2012 - 08:49am PT
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Too freekin funny!
With this impeccable logic in place, the first thing I did was to ignore the warning and liberally coat my gentleman's fruit basket and crevice with the creme and wait for the desired effect. After 4 minutes however I realised, in part, the beginning implications of my mistake. It felt as though fire ants had taken up residence in the area and were now at war, and I had tears of agony rolling down my face. At 5 minutes it felt like I had painted my scrotum in a mixture of meat juice and napalm and then dipped them lovingly into a ravenous piranha tank, and by 5 minutes 58 seconds I was positively deranged and on the verge of blacking out.
I had tears of laughter rolling down my face.
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Rick A
climber
Boulder, Colorado
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Jul 15, 2012 - 11:57am PT
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Thanks, Steve!
Just the euphemisms alone were downright hilarious, as if written by a raunchy PD Wodehouse or Monty Python.
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Blakey
Trad climber
Newcastle UK
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Topic Author's Reply - Jul 15, 2012 - 01:42pm PT
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Rick,
A bit off topic, but still humorous....
Evelyn Waugh was capable of some good stuff, this was a letter penned to his wife while he was posted to No 3 Commando during WW2. (Apparently he was moved frequently, being simply too clever!)
No.3 Commando was very anxious to be chums with Lord Glasgow, so they offered to blow up an old tree stump for him and he was very grateful and said 'don't spoil the plantation of young trees near it because that is the apple of my eye', and they said 'no of course not, we can blow a tree down so it falls on a sixpence' and Lord Glasgow said 'goodness you are clever', and he asked them all to luncheon for the great explosion.
So Col. Durnford-Slater DSO said to his subaltern, 'Have you put enough explosive in the tree? 'Yes, sir, 75lbs'. 'Is that enough?' 'Yes sir, I worked it out by mathematics, it is exactly right'. 'Well better put a bit more'. 'Very good sir'.
And when Col. D Slater DSO had had his port, he sent for the subaltern and said subaltern 'Better put a bit more explosive in that tree. I don't want to disappoint Lord Glasgow'. 'Very good sir'.
Then they all went out to see the explosion and Col. DS DSO said 'You will see that tree fall flat at just the angle where it will hurt no young trees' and Lord Glasgow said 'Goodness you are clever'.
So soon they lit the fuse and waited for the explosion and presently the tree, instead of falling quietly sideways, rose 50 feet into the air taking with it ˝ acre of soil and the whole young plantation.
And the subaltern said 'Sir, I made a mistake, it should have been 7˝lb not 75....... Lord Glasgow was so upset he walked in dead silence back to his castle and when they came to the turn of the drive in sight of his castle what should they find but that every pane of glass in the building was broken.
So Lord Glasgow gave a little cry and ran to hide his emotions in the lavatory and there when he pulled the plug the entire ceiling, loosened by the explosion, fell on his head.
This is all quite true.
I used to lecture on a demolitions course and gave the anecdote to dems wing, who framed it and displayed it as a salutary lesson to check, check and check again.
Off topic I know - someone post up a Marmot,
Steve
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