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perswig
climber
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Aug 18, 2011 - 06:53pm PT
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I think tolman_paul's point is valid. Don't miss the forest for the trees.
Dale
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Melissa
Gym climber
berkeley, ca
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Aug 18, 2011 - 06:57pm PT
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Happie pretty much said what I would have. You might not ever know what detail of your exchange was the straw that broke the camel's back (although hanging up on her probably counted for a few).
Different people can handle different amounts of insecurity/uncertainty in their life, and I won't presume to know what works for your wife. I can say that for me, I'd be freaking out of my skin if I had little kids and was $250 away from not being able to pay for the groceries. I'd behave like an animal in danger. It wouldn't be obvious when or why you'd get bit, but new situations where I feel damned if I do and damned if I don't are usually good triggers.
If your marriage was honestly on the brink, that's a big deal that won't fix in the hearts of most women overnight. I'm not a mom, but I'm guessing it's a MUCH bigger deal when you're thinking of your kids too. Even when things are on the right path, it takes a long time to have good reason to believe that the whole family is in permanently safe place and that the needed positive changes are here to stay. Staying the good course is worth a world of crooked ties.
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graniteclimber
Trad climber
The Illuminati -- S.P.E.C.T.R.E. Division
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Aug 18, 2011 - 07:16pm PT
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I understand what all women above are saying, as I'm saying the same
I'm a guy and I understand what all the women above are saying, and agree completely.
Still it always sucks when we do something that we are proud of and think of as a real accomplishment and all we get is grief. You were expecting praise and attaboys and instead she's threatening to divorce you. That's not quite the reaction you were expecting.
But look at it her way and you'll understand better.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Aug 18, 2011 - 07:27pm PT
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A steady, reliable source of income will probably cure this problem.
Good luck, dude.
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k-man
Gym climber
SCruz
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Aug 18, 2011 - 07:47pm PT
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Nor,
Congrats on your 5 months. Now that is sumpthin' !!
I like your style.
Sorry 'bout your SO troubles...
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Anastasia
climber
hanging from an ice pick and missing my mama.
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Aug 18, 2011 - 07:53pm PT
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All I know is everyone has their irrational moments. Now if I were you I'll wait a few days to let everything cool off and then talk about it. Time is a very magical thing.
In the mean time I will let her know that you care how she feels, her opinion matters and you are doing your best to do the right thing. You just need time in order to understand your own thinking, etc.
Never use the "you" word because, well... It's like declaring war and wanting more fights with the goal of "winning/defending" instead of understanding. "You" is an evil premises.
AFS
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Spider Savage
Mountain climber
SoCal
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Aug 18, 2011 - 08:13pm PT
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Weege, Women stress when you don't bring home the cash and love you good when you do. Be yourself, and be patient. Women are mostly right. OOPS, I mean always right. Men with right women get to go off into the mountains for days of fun. - Spider, married 28+ years to the right woman.
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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Aug 18, 2011 - 08:23pm PT
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Tolman Paul & Anastasia are wise. They're not the only ones, but they are noteworthy.
Sorry Chuck. Yer Gonna Die. (hehehe.)
Just kiddin'. Sometimes the less you say, the better.
Practice yer mumbles. If you're gonna be misunderstood, it should be for something you actually never said.
Mumble. Or work on the Vacant look. Huh? Wha? Me? I dunno.
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WBraun
climber
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Aug 18, 2011 - 08:48pm PT
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But .... didcha cut the tree down eventually?
Didcha sharpen your chainsaw chain afterwards.
Didcha let the kids pull on the rope, heh heh heh
What a stupid drama over nothing.
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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Aug 18, 2011 - 08:49pm PT
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Most drama is over nothing. Werner knows this...Insert Mona Lisa smile here.
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tolman_paul
Trad climber
Anchorage, AK
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Aug 18, 2011 - 09:08pm PT
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What Malissa said is likely a bullseye on the issue.
As to me being wise, nah. I'm a slow learner, and am guranteed to continually re-learn what little I've figured out regarding making a marriage work.
Oh, and asking her straight out what is really bugging her, will not get to the truth of the matter. Specially if she's still steamed, cause anything you say can and will be twisted and thrown back right in your face!
BTW, post fight sex is typically outstanding.
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reddirt
climber
PNW
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Aug 18, 2011 - 09:11pm PT
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Sometimes the less you say, the better.
that can seriously backfire too... Sometimes after the insult/injury (ie, cussing + hang up) you've got the relational equivalent of the "golden hour"... the more time that transpires w/o intervention, the worse it can get. YMMV.
Husqvarna vs. Stihl ... an even more endless debate. Stihl.
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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Aug 18, 2011 - 09:14pm PT
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Lose/lose? Then damn the torpedoes!
Oh, yeah, TPaul. That's wisdom, man. Slow learning usually sticks, eh?
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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Aug 18, 2011 - 09:41pm PT
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More wisdom. Good stuff, Dean. Here's a bit more, if ya don't mind.
Learn each others language. Seriously.
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drljefe
climber
El Presidio San Augustin del Tucson
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Aug 18, 2011 - 10:23pm PT
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There are some nuggets in this thread that I'll take with me.
Thanks for sharing some insight everyone.
And Nor, good luck brother.
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John Moosie
climber
Beautiful California
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Aug 18, 2011 - 10:35pm PT
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Only thing I can say after 17 years of marriage is, whatever the issue is that she freaks on, likely isn't what she's really upset about.
Good point!
and 5 months is nothing if she has been worried longer then that.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Aug 18, 2011 - 11:13pm PT
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Oh, and asking her straight out what is really bugging her, will not get to the truth of the matter. Specially if she's still steamed, cause anything you say can and will be twisted and thrown back right in your face!
BTW, post fight sex is typically outstanding.
All true. But the bitch ( the angry part of the other sex that is not 'a dick'") will be back. You have to solve the problem.
Women are relentless. But I love 'em.
Please, gals, understand my context...
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Captain...or Skully
climber
or some such
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Aug 18, 2011 - 11:18pm PT
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Sometimes the less you say, the better.
Just sayin'. No malice.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Aug 18, 2011 - 11:29pm PT
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Let me reiterate my point above. Chix get angry quick!
Women are emotional and they like guidance in a relationship. She wants you to get a reliable job. She, with your kids, may be in fear of her future.
She wants security, reliability, and a sense of family. I don't blame her, or you.
Work it out. You are a bold enough man to do this. You are almost there. Just be cool with yer wife. Maybe tell her you would like to spend some alone time with her. Don't emphasize the sex unless she mentions it, but make it more about just hanging together.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Aug 18, 2011 - 11:41pm PT
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hey there say, norwegian...
everyone has good advice and on many levels, and in differsity, as to which things could have set this off...
and, it could be any of these things, only YOU will know which feel to fit-the-bill, though, so sit back somewhere and try to see the whole picture from a few different angles...
okay, well, as to your post,
wive and moms, please chime...
this is my feelings, as me, being a mom:
1)now, me myself, from a mom point of view, i would get very upset if i felt my married partner was continually putting my kids in danger and not talking about what they choose to do with them, as to daily routines, etc..
unless:
i knew my man very very well, and had seen first hand that my kids and the husband were trustworthy... even then, i'd prefer to be there, as well, and see and understand for myself--being that KIDS are living beings and cannot be replaced, as if a play-thing, etc...
my standards are high, when it comes to watching children for safety issues...
2) as to the money needing to be earned and the drinking, type issues, this would depend on habitual false promises, or on self-seeking pleasure and the easy way out, on the man's part... if the serious tries, were genuiune and the relating to each other and family, was sincere, and solid steps were always made, even if a few slip-ups came, there would be no problem, such as happened in your situation that you just shared--if my family had gone through this...
3)there must be things that have reached a head by now, too... though, from this scenario, it seems from her point of view, so that means, that you need to try to STEP into her shoes, and take a walk, and learn to understand what it is: is it real and just? or... is it over-board and wrong? ... is it her? can you help her? or, is it you? and if it is you, can you step up to the plate, and humble yourself to her, and ask her to help you fix your wrongs?
*ps, the kids will be proud of you, if so, :)
OKAY NOW.... hre is one last thing that may not apply at all, but it still needs to be addressed, as it is a real trouble:
AND: i am NOT saying that this is stirred into your home, anywhere, but i HAVE seen it be so, in certain families that i have delt with...
here is a question:
is your wife at all, jealous of your relationship with the kids?
what i mean, is... can she tell that you are closer to them, in terms of how to relate, and how to enjoy time together and how to share a day?
for example:
if someone is, then, THIS may ALSO trigger anger-reactions out of someone, when they see-and-hear things "going on" on how certain folks (parent and kid) or any etc, seem to have repoir and trust, and can handle whatever a day may bring, and get through it, with a deep bond, WHILE they themselves lack this, or our OUT of the picture, or, feel that they are...
this could be a long on-going built up thing, on her part, if she is,
and...
the building of it all could have happened accidently, due to areas in your lives where you both did not have a common link as to life, philosophy, ideals, or any of the etc...
these things are very very hard to fix... :(
though not impossible... it takes a lot of love, hugs, and rebuilding the man and wife link, as to being friends... and, helping the kids be part of the whole family circle then...
*nothing is wrong to be friends with your kids, but if there was lost friendship with the wife, then it all snowballs into a: "what about me?"
"who am i?" "why am i here?" "what are we all about, anyway?" type-stuff, in the one that feels left out...
especially if they (he or she) had been trying to work hard to hold the fort down, etc, and had no time for anything else, due to emotional pressure to keep it going for all concerned, or, perhaps only for the kids, as they lost relationship with the man... and then, well:
then come to find out, through all this work, they'd lost relationship with the kids, as well, and the one that "failed" to help, NOW, has that very relationship... :O
OKAY:
i only shared this, as i have seen this happen a few times, to some friends, and in those cases, jealousy set in, later, too...
and jealousy never makes sense, and you can never make sense out of it... and since you seemed to really wonder what was wrong,
this is just another key to share...
do NOT use it, if it does NOT FIT the lock in this puzzle...
god bless, norwegian... i been rooting and praying for you for a long
time, and for you wife and kids...
i am so happy to hear that the drinking is getting pushed aside and that work is coming your way!!!
find some good buddies to talk to, too, if you can...
god bless you!
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