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salad
climber
San Diego
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Mar 23, 2007 - 07:03pm PT
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no nic here since 12/31/06. no cravings. have run 373 miles since 1/1.
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Largo
Sport climber
Venice, Ca
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 23, 2007 - 08:18pm PT
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One of the amazing things for me is how the stopping of something (in my case, nicotine) can fire such an incredible amount of energy into both my mind and my body. This is like twelve days after I quit and last night I just lay and bed and buzzed till about 2. I'm not freaking out too much over feeling this late night manic hum but I think anyone coming off a really strong and genuine addiction has to be on the lookout for mental hyperactivity and to not take the content seriously. It's just a ton of white noise and it helps to go back to just breathing.
The thing about addictions is that you can have several but there's usually one that you use to sort of arbitrate both your self and reality. Even though I used rec drugs (like 20 years ago)and smoked vast tonnage of weed, and have had a few thousand drinks along the way as well, my mainstay was always the nic. So when I quit, it was in a sense like starting my life over. I love where I'm heading and I've never once had a strong enough craving to get close to going back to chewing, but the transition to the new world has been unexpectedly sketchy and weird. But let me tell you something that has set me straight --seing others still strung out. To wit - I just saw a neighbor of mine sitting on his front porch. He was huffing on a reef, had a soda on the step along with a pack of smokes and a big bag of junk food. Dood, that guy's got no shot at knowing what the hell is happening inside or out.
Decellerating into reality is a great adventure but I wouldn't go planning on too fast or too soft a landing if you've been into the substances like some of us who are still babbling on this thread.
JL
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Raydog
Trad climber
Boulder
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Mar 23, 2007 - 09:54pm PT
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Cool Largo.
Did I miss the unicycle story?
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Raydog
Trad climber
Boulder
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Mar 23, 2007 - 11:50pm PT
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I saw a pic of Juan the nic free Largo man on a Mountain Unicycle on the "Who the Hell are you People?" thread.
I figured there must be a story and that link is part of it I guess - just never heard of a mountain unicycle.
Thanks for the link Mimi.
Hey Hank Caylor how are ya?
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Mar 24, 2007 - 12:00am PT
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I remember being about 45 daze sober, and feeling as if I were walking a tightrope; that's how precariously I was stepping out in my new world. I really felt that, with one misstep, I'd come crashing down.
A few weeks later, I had a visceral sensation of having difficulty coordinating all my bodily motions,ie; walking, talking, and navigating the sidewalk I was on at the same time.
That feeling lasted for a few days. Then there came a moment where I felt SO raw, as if the air I was breathing was a foreign substance, and I intuituvely felt this must be the way a baby feels about oxygen when transitioning from the womb. At that time, I had yet another bizarre, yet incredible, sensation of my psyche sort of moving through a tube, sort of like is described in near death scenarios(only in reverse!) This happened while I was sitting in a room full of people(at an AA meeting). No one else was aware, of course, but I felt like the Red Sea had parted, and I was walking through. Reborn....no sh#t.
Pretty intense....
I also had a marvelous experience at about 3 months sober, where I was walking alongside Bryant Park at night. It was a very dark night, and a winter snow had fallen. The tree branches were coated with crystallized ice and snow was falling. I looked up, with the streetlights catching all tha light, and I felt - FELT - the awesome beauty of it. At that moment, a sense of such joy welled withim=n, and I heard myself yelling(inside, though I really wanted to do it out loud!) "I'M ALIVE!!!! HEY - I'M ALIVE!!!"
I can still feel that now, when I remember it.
And then....there ws the day I looked at a wondow box of flowers I had been passing daily, and I said to myself "wow, those leaves sure look more green toda.... Oh My God. They have ALWAYS been that color. It's ME who has changed!"
Clean is a pretty cool place to be. I got an incredible bargain when I signed on the dotted line about quitting. Haven't regretted it for one second. Even if those stupid "what if" thughts pop in my head, I am so lucky to have had experiences like the ones I wrote abut above. They tap me on the shoulder and say "Are you NUTS? Don't even THINK about it!"
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Raydog
Trad climber
Boulder
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Mar 24, 2007 - 12:07am PT
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Ok, mountain unicycling...thanks again Mimi.
edit: what a beautiful story happiegrrrl.
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healyje
Trad climber
Portland, Oregon
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Mar 24, 2007 - 12:27am PT
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I'd have to quit as I could never chew and ride a single wheel at the same time. Bravo for you...
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Largo
Sport climber
Venice, Ca
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Topic Author's Reply - Mar 24, 2007 - 01:07am PT
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Happygirl, that's a great story and very powerful. It also underscores a basic and little spoken fact about coming out of any hard core addiction - you have to gradually wake up to reality, and there's some real weirdness along the way. Funky sensate stuff, preception stuff, all those blunted and muted faculties coming back on line and you wondering if it's all real or just -- something.
Nobody does any of this alone, without community. That's the joy and the blessing of it all.
JL
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paganmonkeyboy
Trad climber
the blighted lands of hatu
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Mar 24, 2007 - 01:29am PT
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ya know what ? i *don't* want a cig...
my addiction wants one, but *I* don't...
spot the difference and it suddenly looks a little easier...
(i, however, want a bong hit...grmble grmble...i reserve the right to fall off that wagon for sushi fest...)
nice, happie - many thanks for sharing that. it's personal for sure...
-tom
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Mar 24, 2007 - 10:23am PT
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You're welcome.
Welll - I'll be riding my wagon for the sushifest. The good news, for me, is that everything I had hoped to find in the use of alcohol and pot(never did much other stuff) came to me through sacrificing those substances - cammeraderie, the "instruction manual to life," comfort in being myself, the ability to interact with people without being hypercritical of myself to the point of shutting down.
People always said I was great fun at parties; a good hostess, funny, interesting. But without the substances....well, I wouldn't have been AT a party without them! And I cerytainly wouldn't have thrown a party without getting mellow first. Luckily, I had a hefty tolerance, and even sloshingly drunk, I never passed out or threw up (well....once, I threw up, and it was a doozy).
As for the waking up - it was truly a gift for me, because I had never known these things to begin with(beauty in the world around me, subtle but powerful bodily sensations). I had been "in my shell" way before I ever picked up a substance and remember having those feelings of "not fitting" in this world even at about the age of 4.
I THOUGHT I knew psychic sensation....hahaha. Self-delusion. A way to keep myself cloistered from others was what it amounted to.
Anyway - alcohol was the "big" addiction for me, even though, by a lay person's standards(well, a drinking layperson, I should say), it didn't seem like I had a problem. Anyone in the know would have known differently.
So, I went lukewarm turkey with sugar several weeks ago, but haven't found grave changes like I mentioned above. Maybe it is because I didn't cut 100%, or maybe it is a different deal. My mind HAS sharpened back up, and that has been a huge relief.
But I know I am still having some nutrition addiction crap(not anorexia/bulimia or something like that; a more subtle gig, where I keep too busy/don't allow time to have nutritious foods. Then, I find myself in "sustenence crisis" where I need to eat "now," and go for the old stand-bys of take-out restaurant, sugar-laden muffin from the deli for breakfast, emergency snack of chips or chocolate energy boost, eating dinner at 9 or 10 pm.....
I am not prepared to commit to that one though. My life seems too hectic, the leap seems to span too wide a chasm. Yet I know the processed foods/sugar/salt hold me back in two significant areas of my life. Hopefully some day I will be able to walk through that, too.
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juneau
Mountain climber
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Mar 25, 2007 - 07:55pm PT
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Yeah Largo,
Around this time of year I tell myself "i'm not gonna spend another rock season puffin' butts and I make a passive attempt at quitting only to give in in fear of life w/out nic. Yet now that I see there are fellow nic veterans toughing it out I am inspired to see what that white noise at 2am is all about and hang on!
-best regards
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Raydog
Trad climber
Boulder
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Mar 25, 2007 - 08:42pm PT
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RE:
"That's the joy and the blessing of it all. "
this really is the new Largo
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John Moosie
climber
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Mar 25, 2007 - 09:37pm PT
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" this really is the new Largo "
Or another way to look at this is that this is the Real Largo that has been hidden under the crap. The detritous of past decisions hides the Truth of who we are. The trick is to seek the Truth about your inner self. Scriptures describe our composition as one of Love. The question then becomes, if we are Love, then why is my life so messed up or why is the world so messed up? The answer exists in the realization that we have Free Will. Our choices create our experience and our experience comes from having more then one physical lifetime. Over lifetimes, they add up to either ease of living or hell.
When you start to realize this, you can take back your power to be Love, to enjoy Life, and to live Large. This is not usually an instantaneous process because of the laws of karma. You must first balance or at least begin to balance your Karma before fully enjoying the fruits of True Freedom.
I have a bit of Karma to balance and a number of untruths to uncover within my psyche to finally experience True Freedom. Meaning, haha... that right now I still experience some considerable hell. OH well, I am awakening.
Keep going Largo, Sparky, Hankster and anyone else who is quiting an addiction. Victory is possible. How about an update?
Moosie
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paganmonkeyboy
Trad climber
the blighted lands of hatu
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Mar 25, 2007 - 11:33pm PT
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excellent post moosie (tips hat...)
-tom
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Raydog
Trad climber
Boulder
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Mar 25, 2007 - 11:33pm PT
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Cool Hank - we should have coffee at the Roma sometime - I live on the hill.
Take care man.
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John Moosie
climber
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Mar 26, 2007 - 12:04am PT
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Beautiful Hank..... You are on belay. Climb on Brother.
And yes, the waves are trippy. Just watch out for that sleeper wave. It can certainly trip you up if you aren't alert. The best part is, if it gets you, you can still right the boat and keep on going. I have been put in the drink many times by my addictions. haha....Just keep getting up and it gets easier. Of course, it can help to look into why you thought you needed a drug to feel better. That is the path to complete victory over these types of things.
Ugh...I just reread my post and I sound like a brochure....hahaha.....I like laughing at myself. One of Lockers attributes that I admire. His ablitiy to laugh at himself.
Edit:
Send for my Booklet,
"12 steps to Freedom from Addiction" by John Moosie
Step 1. send John lots of money.
Hahahahaha........
Peace,
Moosie
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bvb
Social climber
flagstaff arizona
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Mar 26, 2007 - 12:12am PT
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largo, "decelerating into reality" perfectly describes my own slow-motion, self-imposed detox from alcohol.
on the positive side, waking up every morning feeling fresh, going climbing every day with no hangover, damn, talk about positive reinforcement...
you just gotta do what you gotta do, at your own speed, and under your own steam. no amount of badgering from freinds and family will ever change that.
i'm just glad to be alive, glad to still climb at a level that satisfies me, glad to have such wonderful children, happy to have a mate that loves me.
now if i could just do a few one-arm pull-ups again, well, then it'd ALL be good...!
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Raydog
Trad climber
Boulder
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Mar 26, 2007 - 12:21am PT
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I'm just glad to be alive to and I can't climb at a satisfying level, have no family and no one who gives a rats ass about me but I'm still psyched to be here and be functional.
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