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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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She won't, she's gone. I'm standing for our marriage and family but it's futile, she's checked out in the fantasy...convinced I am the one to blame for her fundamental unhappiness in life. Will likely never understand that another person can never bring you complete happiness within yourself, though she thinks she's found it. Oh well, it's a shame.
She's giving me a fair enough deal and joint custody. I'm getting tons of support and am doing pretty good. Bringing it home and finding myself again...my home is in my heart, not her house. Realizing how lost I've been in her world. Getting to know myself again and becoming a better father for it.
I am a man that, despite all the sh*t she's throwing my way... the disrespect, the secrecy and the blame..., who is still willing to love her, stand by her side and be the husband and father I am supposed to be. Let that eat at her very soul as she vainly tries to find a replacement that can reach such a high standard. As she wanders aimlessly through the fog, giving up our family and dreams...even her own dreams by leaving me...I'll keep the lighthouse lit. But there is no telling for how long, it's likely my shining beam of light will be pointed toward someone else in the future.
Love this quote:
"I might not be someone's first choice, but I am a great choice. I don't pretend to be someone I'm not, because I'm good at being me. I might not be proud of some of the things I've done in the past, but I am proud of who I am today. I may not be perfect, but I don't need to be. Take me who I am, or watch me walk away."
Talking to a random guy on the street the other day about my sitch, and he told me, "don't ever take no tattoo to eat." Took me a minute to wrap my head around it. But he's right, there ain't no such thing as a free lunch...and homey will soon enough see her mark upon him, as mine quickly fades away.
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO
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"don't ever take no tattoo to eat."
OK. I'll bite. What does that mean? Sure it wasn't just the whiskey doing the talking?
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speelyei
Trad climber
Mohave County Arizona
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12 or 13 years ago, after a particularly long (months, maybe a year) period without sex, I sat my ex wife down and said "we need to talk".
We met when she was 18, and she had a two year old daughter, Josie. I was 22. We got married a few years later, and had the sort of speed bumps you'd expect.
So we talk, and her response, five years into our marriage, "I'm not in love with you. I never was."
So we decided to not do anything immediately. We'd stay together, and "work on things". For her, that meant going out and getting laid that very night. The best part was? Everybody else knew before me. Turns out she had been prowling around, for months, maybe years, and nobody had been friend enough to clue me in. I thought I was being supportive of her career and aspirations!
Well, I did me some thinking. I divorced her immediately. And then I cried and cried. Not about her, but about the disintegration of our little family and the failure of it all. Had myself a good old cry and about a year of solitary living. Moved out to the coast on my little sailboat, finished my apprenticeship and got my Journeymans card, picked up surfing, quit climbing...
I'm not somebody who likes to make the same errors twice.
I realized what I was mostly missing was the image or idea that I wanted to see... When I met that chick, I imprinted all the good qualities I was looking for on her, and ignored a lot of serious red flags. That also meant I must be ignoring the "real" person that was there...
To cut this personal melodrama down to size... Josie still calls me Dad, and has grown ino a beautiful, smart, healthy young woman herself.
The ex-wife met someone as materialistic, short sighted, and dysfunctional as her, and they spend most of their time soused in West Portland at cheesy social engagements where they talk about everything except where their kids are.
I met that small town girl who doesnt know what a catch she is... We have two daughters (Josie makes three), and my life now has so totally eclipsed my old marriage, it almost seems like it never happened. I identified shortcomings and bad behavior in myself and corrected some and am working on the rest. Thats really all you can do.
Everybody's personal opera is different, so I'm not offering advice. I post my tale as an example that things will pass with time, and likely get better. Good luck to you. Focus on your kids. And I guess I will offer some advice. Dont talk bad about your ex to your kids. Dont talk about her at all unless they ask, and then give only honest and neutral answers.
Good luck to you.
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TWP
Trad climber
Mancos, CO
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speelyei
Great post four or so up.
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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The best revenge it is said, is living well. Git yerself a smart fun smoking well built young hottie who likes nothing more than banging you 24/7 and fulfilling your sick fantasies till you cry uncle and the ex will be about as noticeable as a tick on an unmentionable place and she won't even be noticeable in yer rearview mirror except when you see yer kids.
Good luck!!!
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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TWP,
The guy that told me "don't ever take no tattoo to eat." Was a divorced ex-con, and also one of the most amazing strangers I've ever met. We had a loooong talk and yeah drank a little ;)
I think his phrase was something he picked up in the pen, and probly had something to do with the gang culture in there.
Basically he was saying, don't ever be someone's bitch just so you can live. Make your own way.
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WBraun
climber
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There's only one side to this drama you are presenting here Lambone.
Your side.
I wanna hear her side here.
Will this be happening to balance the scale?
Doubt it ......
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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she's checked out in the fantasy...convinced I am the one to blame for her fundamental unhappiness in life. Will likely never understand that another person can never bring you complete happiness within yourself, though she thinks she's found it. Oh well, it's a shame.
Whoa.....that's creepy...Deja F*#kin' Vu!!!
Dude, you just described exactly, my break up.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Well Werner, fair enough...
I spent too much time on El Cap for one. And I know how you feel about that. I spent too much of her money on myself. She says she has no trust in my or faith in my ability to provide for her. (As if that's changed since she first met me)
I was poor at communicating with her about these issues. Felt criticized and stonewalled her and things went south quickly. Heard of the Four Horseman of the Appocolypse in regards to relationships? Criticism, Defensiveness, Contempt, and Stonewalling. They were all present on both sides. I learned a lot through self discovery analyzing these behaviors.
Yet while I wanted to get professional help and work on the marriage, she was already in the next pasture. Too little too late. I'm still working on myself with a professional, to avoid these mistakes in my next relationship.
I made mistakes, owned up to them, and repented. In her eyes it was all too little too late, even though we still have 15 years of raising children together.
So that's the gist. I will not shoulder all the burdon of her blame and judgment for breaking up our family.
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donini
Trad climber
Ouray, Colorado
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Very honest sounding self criticisim on your part Lambone.
She had likely decided to move on before you were aware there was a major problem.
Time to move on, sounds like you are still holding on a bit.
I've been where you are, you will be amazed at what is out there waiting for you.
I'm currently 17 years into a wonderful relationship.
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Gerg
Trad climber
Calgary
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Sorry to hear Lambone, but as time goes on it will get better.
Divorced twice. Was with the first lady 12 years, have a 10 year old son together. First two years rough now we are better friends than before, son was 3 when we split so he only remembers us apart and seems fine.
Second together 5 years, glad that is over.
Now I found my soulmate, been together 14 months, neither of us want marriage, more kids, live in seperate homes, never fight, just love each others company, and I climb she goes and jogs. Met online dating, i could not be happier, she is awesome, glad I logged on one night to the internet!!
Good luck and don't let her take your home, get her to buy you out for sure if that is in the cards.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Ck Lewis is super funny. That divorce bit has nearly saved my life a few times.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Lets hook up sully!!
In preeeetty sure that she'd be more then happy to give me the kids on Valentines Day, I think it's already scheduled even. I could give a F about that day anyway.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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what better place to display your vulnerabilities
than on an infinite landscape comprised of complete
strangers?
i like risk, so
my wife and i are reducing our love to utility.
i've got a cute cabin out back that is mine;
she the main house.
f*#k it, it's affordable and we share the rearing
responsibilities and hopefully don't have to
tangle our vines much.
i know it won't work, i've seen it attempted
around the community. ugly separation
and division of assets is really the ultimate
destination for us.
but i'm game to entertain sugarcoated disasters.
i considered hanging my self from a meat hook,
but that'll shatter my darlings' hearts.
so i'll be warm for a while more and
scrape a smile from the burnt emotions that are
mine, overcooked.
it's cool it means i can drink again.
the only reason that i was clean was in attempt to salvage my failing marriage.
i can't wait until all the money's gone.
liberations and libations'll abound.
like they did before i subscribed to this domestic discipline.
growing old and weak with no one by my side,
is exactly the compromised stride
that i fear but it is the one that i'll author.
slack,
norwegian
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Leggs
Sport climber
Tucson, by way of California
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Weege... {{sad face}}
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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i still turn 40 next october.
the gig is still on, though slightly modified.
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apogee
climber
Technically expert, safe belayer, can lead if easy
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Sorry to hear this, weege. Careful with the self-medication, though. We need you here.
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anita514
Gym climber
Great White North
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sorry to hear...
we should all be hermits. to hell with love and companionship. that's what pets are for.
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