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bldrjacsis
climber
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A Mother's View
Sitting in her rocker she looked outside to see yet another day of snow. She had dreams that night. She couldn't shake them. They were pleasant dreams of her son. He came to her and held her hand. They walked together and sat upon a boulder throwing rocks into the stream. How nice that was.
She remembered doing that with him when the family took all those camping trips. Jack and Chris would run to the streams and swim in them, Jack ever a watchful eye on his little sister. Yes he is good son. He had grown into quite the man. He was always such a sweet boy. Never any trouble, except for his birth. Twenty hours of labor and forty five stitches later he was born. No "C" sections back then, he was big too, ten pounds. Then he had the nerve to be colicky. Two years of sleepless nights and then the tonsils. He just couldn't win. She remembered when he started to walk, he seemed so clumsy, couldn't get his bearing. Took him to the doctor and said, "He's pigeoned toed, switch his shoes". So she did for three years and that straightened him out. She cried on his first day of school wondering how he would do. He was fine, he had lots of friends, but then trouble started and those bigger boys picked on him. He came home crying and his Father told him to fight back. Jack didn't understand his son. He was special, he was never a fighter. He joined the Cub Scouts. He was so happy. He made new friends and started to learn more and more about the outdoors. He was so proud when he made Eagle Scout.
She remembers all the times when Jack and Chris would play together and he would let her win. But as they grew older they played less and less together. The nerve of him joining the Rock Climbing Club when Jack told him not to. He did get a spanking that day. Jack not only got a whipping but his hair was cut as well. Serves him right for disobeying his Father. But Jack died too soon. They had plans to leave for England and never come back here. But that changed because of the children. Leaving them was not an option anymore.
Chris, thankfully, settled into a good job, but Jack was ever the dreamer and wanderer. She prayed every night that he would make it back from whatever god foresaken mountain he was on. She remembers the call from Mexico when Jack totaled out his jeep, the evictions and the time he slipped his sister magic mushrooms in her salad. She laughed at that, but then thought, "Can't he get a regular job?" She said this to him many times and he seemed to get so mad at her for saying it. It seemed like the reasonable thing to do, get a job, get married, have kids and settle down. "You won't go anywhere climbing, it's not a career, what don't you understand about that!", she told him. He did it anyway. he had a mind of his own, so stubborn. But what a gentle boy. My boy, the one that I love so much.
She remembers all the pictures and slide shows that he had shown her of the mountains that he had climbed. The pictures were so beautiful. He was so proud. "Can't you see how dangerous that is?", she said. His sister isn't any help, why doesn't she tell him. Can't she see the danger. She tells me she does, but say's you can't change him, he loves it so much. She tells me to leave him be about it. We'll see about that.
Finally he got married. He loves Pam so much you can see it in his face when he talks about her and is with her. I am jealous but understand that he is growing up. Maybe Pam can get him to stop. Maybe now he sees he has to get a regular job. He said that he loves Pam, she is his life now and that she climbs too. Oh my, but they both are so happy.
He comes to visit when he can. He calls all the time and sends flowers and chocolates on my birthday and Christmas. She misses him so much, she wishes he would live near her and she can see him more often, but then he couldn't do his climbing and that is his life. Oh how she prays for him when he climbs and her prayers were always answered. He would always come home and he told such wonderful stories.
Chris told her something the other day and she didn't understand. Something about him not coming home. Silly girl, Jack died a long time ago, of course he's not coming home. She had tears in her eyes and she said ,"Not dad, my brother."
She sits in her rocker looking outside, what a beautiful day she thinks. The sun is shinning, the birds are chirping and the flowers are blooming. Her son would say, "What great day to climb, bike ride or walk the dog" or whatever outdoorsy thing he could do. She could him see him taking the dog, Pisco or Bisco was it?, out for a run. He never had a dog when he was a boy. It wasn't allowed in the apartment, but he really seems to like them.
She had another dream last night, her son came to her , hugged her and said "Don't worry anymore, I love you Mom." She loved him too and couldn't wait to see him again.
Know that Jack's Mother has dementia and still waits for his calls
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Double D
climber
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That was beautiful Chris. I'm profoundly sorry for your family's loss.
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Bldrjac
Ice climber
Boulder
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Chris,
I had my first big meltdown last night....had a shaky day today despite making it to the gym and hiking with Pisco (or is it Bisco?:-) ) So now I"m crying again. God....I don't even know what to say about what you just wrote! I hope it helped you in some small way. I can't imagine how your mom feels, and it tears me up that I really can't call her, my mother-in-law who I love, because I'm afraid to hurt her yet again. That was beautiful, my dear sis...............I hope Jack can feel your thoughts.
much love,
pam
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Thanks for sharing that. I wish we could do something to help all of you.
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Rit
Social climber
Washington DC
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To Jack's many friends, and for Pam, my sister, this was my remembrance for Jack at his memorial in Golden a week and a half ago. Peace.
To Pam, to our families, Robertses and Rangers gathered here, to this community of friends of Pam’s and Jack’s.
I want to start by thanking Dougald for his wonderful memorial to Jack in Climbing magazine, and for your helpful reminder that as an editor of yours once said, if you don’t know where to start, start with the facts.
So I will start with some simple facts. It’s fair to acknowledge that many of you here knew Jack better than I did - whether from boyhood, or from early days at Yosemite or Joshua Tree, to climbs on routes on rock or ice from Foraker to Cerro Torre, from Chamonix to Pakistan, from bivouacs and camps and taverns from the foot of El Capitan to Bozeman to the Southern Sun. Together with Jack, you have looked to the mystery and challenge of mountains, and felt compelled to climb to places of encounter with creation that the rest of us only wonder about.
My story with Jack, and the one I share with our family, is simple. Jack loved Pam. So we loved him. And in that time he graced our lives with his warmth, his conversation, his kindnesses, and the inspiration of his spirit of inquiry and curiosity about the world. And he graced our lives with his love for my sister, and the model of a life together in which each was for the other - in the words of my faith tradition - a strength in need, a counselor in perplexity, a comfort in sorrow, and a companion in joy. And Jack, with Pam, offered the example of the pursuit of a simple and uncluttered life, built not just on the enjoyment of one’s passion, but in the preparation and training to pursue it. To possess the commitment to achieve excellence, matched with the humility and grace to be able to mentor others, and a heart to honor and maintain old friendships, and to continue to make new ones.
In Jack’s own words: “The lifestyle that has evolved around climbing has now become more important than the actual physical sensation of moving on stone or ice. More important than reaching summits is living an examined life, making every action count”.
The man we admire and so miss at this time was generous with his gifts and his spirit with others. He advanced the art of climbing, and reached to assist others to advance on their own journeys and callings through sharing the experience of making every action count - on ice, on rock, in mountains, in the world.
There is no one here who did not want to grow old with Jack, and to enjoy again his smile, his wit, his insights and his spirit over good coffee or fine whisky - or some other beverage - as always with Jack, well-considered and well chosen, just like his friendships.
A few days ago I stumbled into recollection of this quote from the chapter in J. R. R. Tolkien’s Fellowship of the Ring - the chapter called “The Shadow of the Past”. It is from the conversation between Frodo and Gandalf when Frodo learns the story of the One Ring. I think it applies to those of us gathered here, now.
“I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo.
"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.”
Those of us gathered here have been blessed with more time than was given to Jack. May we choose to do with our time remaining that which would honor the memory of our friendships with Jack in way that he’d acknowledge if he were in the lead. Because in a most profound and real way, he is in the lead.
Thank you, my brother, for your love for my sister and for your place in our family. And may God bless you and keep you in that place where the morning sun never leaves the highest peaks.
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Bob D'A
Trad climber
Taos, NM
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That was really beautiful Chris and it was an honor to meet you.
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Bldrjac
Ice climber
Boulder
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to both Rit (my brother) and Chris (Jack's sister).....I have no words to express my most profound thanks and love to both of you.....
xox,
pam
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Rit- really, really beautiful.
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Outdoorvangelist
Trad climber
San Juan Capistrano, CA
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Thank you for such a wonderful homage to a great climber, inspiration and friend to so many.
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Conner
Mountain climber
Donnelly, Idaho
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Thanks for sharing it here Rit. It was beautiful and poignant to hear you share it at the memorial. jeff got a chance to hear it on the DVD we got. He was awed. Hope to see you again soon.
Warmest Regards,
Connie
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Conner
Mountain climber
Donnelly, Idaho
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Wow Chris, that was awesome. What a perspective. Jack loved his Mom and you very much. I was lucky enough to live in Idaho and see Jack en route to see you a time or two. I wish you peace and healing... I know it is a sad time. I'm glad I got to see you at Pam's and the memorial.
Sending you much love,
Connie Self
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bldrjacsis
climber
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Feb 12, 2012 - 01:01am PT
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Thank you all for the compliments. I felt my Mother needed a voice and since she cannot recall Jack's death, a blessing in some respects, I thought I would recall what she had expressed to me over the years. She loved (s) him dearly and though he never gave up his climbing, much to her dismay, she was so very proud of his accomplishments. She loved his slide shows and photos. Mom loved to travel and envied Jack his view from the top of the world. Trust me, if she could climb those peaks with him, she would have.
I would also like to thank all of Jacks friends for coming, and those that couldn't come, for the kind words of comfort and love. It was an honor to meet all of you and maybe we'll see each other again. May all of your journeys and adventures be safe and with the ones you love.
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Conrad
climber
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Feb 12, 2012 - 08:09am PT
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Jack was a steller man in all aspects. While his climbing was visionary and consistent it was his personality that was the measure of who he was. Always warm, always welcoming and quick to bounce the question back to you. "Hows it going? Any neat stuff since the last time we met?"
We climbed together at the crags, from Eldo to the annual connection at the regional ice gatherings. Though never on a big route together, we had friends once removed, some with us, others now with Jack, that spoke volumes of his ability on the big routes. He was solid on all medium and was a committed climber. The pull of the vertical was his life source and, ultimately, his final calling. He was a lifer, climbing defined who he was. He didin't have to explain or posture to people that weren't within our circle that he was a climber.
We shared an interest in pens. From fountain pens to quality pens to functional pens. He liked these instruments. In 99 during a difficult stage in my life he gave me a pen. It was a fine momento and it's in the box of pens.
My heartfelt condolences to Pam, Jack's family and all of you that were close to him.
Claudia's fine photograph from December 2011. His smile says it all. Miss you man.
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Bldrjac
Ice climber
Boulder
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Feb 12, 2012 - 02:53pm PT
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Conrad, thanks for your posting. I know you understand better than some what I am going through, what we are all going through! Sure wish I could use those lovely pens of his, though, but being left-handed, fountain pens just end up being a smear-fest for me! :-)
much love,
pam
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Feb 14, 2012 - 01:36am PT
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hey there say, rit... thank you so very kindly for sharing these heartfelt words.... it helps us all to never forget not only a special climber, but a loving husband--the part that is not seen by all of us, in the far-outreaches of life... this is something that cherished family and friends, see, and THAT inspires others, in many ways, that make part of jack live on...
thank you for letting us that knew him, from online only, see so much more...
also:
pam:
please email me, soon, i have a question for you...
hope it is okay.... *i will also hit reply to jack's email here,
to share more...
god bless... and hugs...
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Bldrjac
Ice climber
Boulder
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Feb 16, 2012 - 12:02am PT
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neebee..my e-mail is srfrpam@aol.com.......I feel I am riding this wave with so many of you. Jack would be so surprised really to feel all of this. Isn't it strange that we live this life of not really knowing how people feel about us, and then when we are dead, to a certain extent it is too late? For sure makes me want to try to live the rest of my life with more intention. It's just so hard to say goodbye to so much love and time....Once again to all Jack's friends, especially his older ones where you have fallen out of tough...He talked about you all SO Much over the years, I feel like I know most of you. He loved his life so much.....xox
pam
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#310
Social climber
Telluride, CO
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Feb 17, 2012 - 11:21pm PT
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A Pam and Jack bump. I am hoping Pam had her "normal" Friday night margaritas out on the town in Boulder.
I0 started a long letter to Pam earlier this week - will finish and send it soon. The first year of loss hits way too many challenging anniversaries. Hang in there Pam. Valentine's Day and the 1 month anniversary of Jack's death in one week is big hit.
Someone please post some funny Jack stories or photos!
Huge hugs of support - Kathy in Telluride.
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Bequita
climber
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Feb 20, 2012 - 10:44am PT
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A more loving husband would be hard to find.... Jack making sure his beautiful wife had a water jug full of margaritas (being poured directly into her mouth) for her 50th birthday!!
Jack, we miss you dearly.
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telluridejon
Social climber
Telluride
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Feb 20, 2012 - 07:04pm PT
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I love the look of intense concentration on his face. Important job after all!
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Feb 20, 2012 - 07:15pm PT
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Great photo. Glad it was posted. Thanks!
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