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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Dec 24, 2015 - 09:07am PT
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I got 2 weeks sobriety today, ready for Christmas.
I'm lucky though, my wife's family doesn't drink. They're coming to our house for Christmas.
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Happiegrrrl2
Trad climber
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Dec 24, 2015 - 09:14am PT
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Good for you, Bluering! I am sure they will be very supportive of your decision. But be sure to take care of yourself in any event. I have no idea of your extended family relationships, but if there might be stressfullness involved, could be a good idea to have a sober friend you can sneak off and call.
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
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Dec 24, 2015 - 09:23am PT
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Happy, got to try and mend it with the family. Alcoholics can get super defensive when one of them quits. It seems like a betrayal to them. Try to tell them that you love them but you are an alcoholic and afraid of what will happen if you are arround that much booze.. Or better yet get strong enough to visit them. keep that seltzer in your hand at all times!
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H
Mountain climber
there and back again
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Dec 24, 2015 - 10:24am PT
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I wonder how Hankster is doing? Glad your still at it Bluey. I really like what everyone is saying here. Family gatherings, company parties, new years eve parties etc. can be hard. Stevee B has some good wisdom.
Around here there are Alcathons; meetings around the clock. So you don't have to wait for a specific time to go to a meeting. I get a lot out of being with a group of like minded folks. Drunks and normies don't really get it so its nice to be around people who do.
I wish everyone a safe and healthy holiday.
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Happiegrrrl2
Trad climber
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Dec 25, 2015 - 12:34pm PT
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I was feeling sad yesterday and so did the smart thing and went to an AA meeting. It had three people who had at one time lived in New York at it.
It was just a normal old meeting, but I was asked to chair, being the stranger off the street with enough sobriety to follow the instructions text.... Anyway, it lifted me right out of the morass.
Today my little luxury is hat I am going to the movies. It is raining like crazy here these last few days.
Merry Christmas to all who are reading this thread, and here's to adding a few new sober posters in 2016!
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tradmanclimbs
Ice climber
Pomfert VT
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Dec 25, 2015 - 06:57pm PT
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Hope everyone had a great christmass and got through it ok.
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Bushman
Social climber
Elk Grove, California
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Dec 25, 2015 - 07:28pm PT
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Yeah, aside from sticking my nose where it don't belong, and eating too many tamales and too much chocolate, I survived. Now I'm down for the count, goodnight everybody and Merry Christmas to all!
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Dec 26, 2015 - 08:05am PT
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Glad to hear Christmas was well for everybody. Happie, good for you at the meeting!
I had some issues with my in-laws who came over. Nothing bad really, just everything they all talked about seemed stupid and boring, cracking/laughing at each others stupid jokes.
I seemed to have grown very intolerant of other people in my sobriety. I'm too serious all the time, even with my wife. I find myself just nodding, yes, uh-huh. Hard to describe. I just wish people would only talk to me if it's something somewhat serious and relevant, and stop all the un-necessary side chatter.
Weird...
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Gearhead
Trad climber
Novato Ca
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Dec 26, 2015 - 08:11am PT
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Alcohol seems to buffer the idiotic background noise at most family gatherings. I about went bat sh#t crazy my first sober Christmas. It gets better though
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Bushman
Social climber
Elk Grove, California
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Dec 26, 2015 - 09:36am PT
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Stuck on Family Holiday Party Street Again
Incessant blithering mindless drivel
Blathering on with a whining snivel
Pompously blowing the blowhards song
Broadcasting potty mouthed all night long
These are the things our relatives do
From the boring vacations to Juniors first poo
Nothing is sacred from gossiping aunts
The in-laws or sisters or your underpants
You might as well show up and wear your best face
Because if your not there it would be a disgrace
To miss how some loved ones could sink to such lows
Just be sure the car starts and there's no chance it snows
-bushman
12/26/2015
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, CA
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Dec 26, 2015 - 09:45am PT
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Gearhead and Bushman, I hear ya. After drinking heavily for 20 of so years, it just took me by surprise. It's uncomfortable, yet tolerable I suppose. I can deal with it, it's just annoying.
I had the same thing happen last Wednesday when we had our Christmas party at a restaurant with 20 fellow co-workers on my crew. I work with everybody just fine, even joke around a bit, but in a setting where you are 'forced' to sit and socialize with them, it's just unpleasant.
I'll get over it, it's just new to me to not be able to drown out the mundane with alcohol.
It really is a whole new thing to me.
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overwatch
climber
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Dec 26, 2015 - 10:11am PT
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Alcohol makes your brain blend with the mundane.
I am a white knuckler that quit for health reasons years ago. alcohol was THE gateway drug for me. There was nothing I wouldn't do and I still learn of things that I did back in the day that I obviously suppressed because I was never a blackout drunk.
I did however have what I called the 13th beer syndrome. (the number is an approximation) I was a happy drunk all up until a certain point when a switch was flipped in my brain and I violently hated everyone. alcoholism runs in our family
vvvvvvv same here. A touch of social anxiety disorder
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Happiegrrrl2
Trad climber
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Dec 26, 2015 - 10:26am PT
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I needed the booze to feel comfortable in any social situation, to the point where things were "best" if I could have a few drinks before having to have people imposed upon me...(!) When I got sober it was really hard to bring myself to go to these things. Even my good friend, who invited me to their country house for the weekend. I made up an excuse and ditched out at the last minute and still regret it to this day. She never invited me again. And drinking was not even something we did at her place! I just couldn't take the discomfort of having to "play act" at having an enjoyable time in a situation I knew I wasn't going to enjoy(because it would mainly revolve around her toddler son, and really - what do I have in common with that? Now I could do it, but probably not for a long weekend - hahaha).
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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Jun 18, 2016 - 04:04pm PT
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With respect to her privacy, I can only say a family member is going through an addiction related trauma at present. She has been in the hospital for a week with C diff and other illnesses. Yesterday she lapsed into a coma. We were at the hospital most of yesterday and she is being transferred to another hospital today for more tests.
I was home for awhile and wrote this down to quell the nagging anxiety of the unknown.
My Eyes open like a Child
When I was just a child
I was wild and free
In my spirit and my body
but the powers that would be
Tried to tame me and to form me
and to bend me to their will
Then there came a day
when I'd finally had my fill
And I lashed out at the world
and tried throwing off the yoke
Showing bitter disappointment
against authority I broke
And I was pummeled in turn
but some still showed me human kindness
And helped to save me from myself
for to find love I had blindness
Seeking only for myself
to satiate the flesh
With all manner of debauchery
for my soul to refresh
But my cup was always empty
so I sought solace through near death
In such risky behavior
I could hardly catch my breath
And the world of friends and family
were repulsed or pushed away
And in lonely desperation
I saw myself one day
Like a bright shining light
the deception was stripped away
I'd been punishing myself
along with everyone in my way
And for the first time in my life
I understood that I was home
With everything I needed
and I would never be alone
There was a child inside me
who was worthwhile and was fun
Who only needed the love
that he could give to anyone
That's why I still talk to strangers
I’m rarely stoic or too shy
I don't expect reciprocation
or need an answer why
Every human in their heart
at one time held the keys
Whether they wild or had forgotten
that to get down on one's knees
It can help for the moment
when we can't answer or produce
When there's no human vaccination
that we ever could induce
When the chips are truly down
and life slaps us in the face
When our grief or pain surrounds us
in the deepest darkest place
But there's a beacon of hope
that I've carried from that day
I have cradled it in my heart
rarely barring the way
Of accepting others as they are
with what my tolerance will take
Understanding they're in pain
which might be too hard to take
I can show some understanding
and assistance when it's right
When some others like me
have reached out into the night
To say that they are tired
of the addiction and self blame
Only serving to postpone
the denial and the shame
Of the what, the why, and how,
it doesn't matter in the end
But it takes massive humility
to turn around that bend
To ask of yourself
and to whoever you think can hear
What it means to go on living
and retain what you hold dear
Until the grace of acceptance
opens up our eyes
That nothing is for certain but
only of this have I surmised
I don't know if there’s a god
and I don’t believe in hell
Except the hell we can create
which is sadder even still
I have prayed to the rocks,
to the trees, and to the birds
To unburden my heart
of anger or sorrowful words
For we can manufacture pain
and suffering to kill
Expecting all the world
to bend to our will
Until there comes a day
when the best that we can do
Is to rise upon the morn
and see the morning anew
To stand beside our loved ones
and our friends when they're in need
Being glad of every new day
and to silently do good deeds
St Francis said it best
it's impossible to hate
When you give yourself
to others and are willing then to wait
Expect nothing in return
then no one can disappoint
Until breathing becomes enough
with no fingers left to point
Now whenever I accept
and I go about my day
As if whatever might go wrong
was my fault anyway
'Cause I happen to exist
and have troubles as we all do
Then I work at the solutions
until each day is through
And this way I'm preoccupied
without feeling singled out
Like bad things only happen
to a fool like me no doubt
And that thought makes me laugh
that such illogical thinking
Would enter in my mind so easily
like my penchant was for drinking
So times when I've tried honestly
and my best to put things right
Though trying days have come
I’ve often slept through the night
And am willing now to set
my spirit free to flight
And loose my imagination
beyond thinking and just to write
Because there's a new world everyday
when we open up our eyes
To put all our fears behind us
and that's when I realize
Though there's trouble and heartache
in the present and the past
In the end it will be over
and our human problems never last
And in the interim there's a chance
to find beauty, hope, and grace
In the sunlight of each day
where I always find that place
It's the place I like to go
where the world is fresh and new
With my eyes open like a child
It’s what I really love to do
-bushman
06/18/2016
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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Jul 30, 2016 - 12:33pm PT
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A Very Fine Wine
There was a time,
In life I tried,
Every nectar sweet and crystal dipped wine,
And herbs afire did drift their scents,
I found them most delightful,
And thought they opened up my mind,
Then life and death came down to me,
To brush at me and nuzzle softly,
In shuddering throes so sweet and cold,
The knife edge rattled me as I grew old,
Strange death to me was worrisome,
Tried as I did not lose my grip,
I said farewell then just in case,
"Goodbye dear world you dear sweet gal,"
I knew I'd miss her most of all,
The surgeon's knife was beckoning,
Kissed all farewell,
To wake the punch-drunk sailing man,
But barroom days were over then,
Escaping now the moldering grave,
And swearing off was nothing then,
The air so sweet,
The night so cold,
I gazed at worlds afar and knew my place,
In Galileo's looking glass and just in case,
I wrapped my cloak and warmed myself,
This world my chalice and my vase,
The universe was still a place,
As comforting as love's embrace,
But coldly she's mysterious,
For angered hearts won't solace find,
In so immense and vast a place.
-bushman
07/02/2015
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Happiegrrrl2
Trad climber
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Aug 22, 2016 - 08:50am PT
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Twenty Years sober coming soon! I'm embarrassed to admit that I could not remember if it was 8/23 or 8/26 at first. But, I looked up the date, in the year 1996, and the 26th was a Monday. That makes sense....
On Saturday night that year, I had my last drink, which was a sip off a disgusting warm can of Budweiser. Since it was about 3am, it was technically Sunday, and I remember well the wake-up hangover.
So, my first day without a drink of alcohol was Monday, and that make my anniversary the 26th. Twenty years, one day at a time.
This is also the first year that I didn't go into a funky state of mind for the three weeks beforehand. I always felt sort of a hopelessy sensation, which was how I was feeling during my bottom. I figured that somehow my body was having some sort of memory. This year I just kind of was excited about the idea of it being twenty years.
I feel good, and intend to enjoy this last week of countdown to my anniversary on Friday. WOOT!
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz, Moab, A sailboat, or some time zone
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Aug 22, 2016 - 09:05am PT
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Happie....that makes me happy!
Wonderful accomplishment. You have to wonder if you'd even be alive now.
Thinking of you and Lucas and hoping our paths cross sometime soon.
Susan
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Happiegrrrl2
Trad climber
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Aug 22, 2016 - 09:20am PT
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Thanks Susan.
When I was in early sobriety, I told my sponsor that one morning,in the final weeks of my drinking, I woke up to a feeling that I described as if my soul was like water swirling around and down a sink drain.
I had also told her about a friend I was hanging with at the time, who was into some weird stuff and trying to convince me to come along to a party which would include some of this behavior. Because I was not into having anonymous people pawing at my body, I wouldn't go. But - there was a part of me that knew if she kept at me, I would eventually go with her.
When I told the feeling of the drain, my sponsor's face turned white and she blurted out "Oh my god, you were going to die." It was a very weird moment, but when she said that, I had a flash in my mind that "showed" me myself in the moments of death, in relation to that kind of party. And, it was horribly not pretty.
Who knows, of course. Our minds tell us things all the time. But, I chose the path less traveled - sobriety - and that has made all the difference.
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canyoncat
Social climber
SoCal
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Aug 22, 2016 - 11:38am PT
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That's a pretty significant thing Happie. I'm sure it wasn't always easy, but here you are. Thumbs up and high fivin'.
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Bushman
climber
The state of quantum flux
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Aug 22, 2016 - 05:29pm PT
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Thanks Happie and everyone here for helping me to remember where I was when alcohol completely quit working and the bell began tolling for me.
It's still out there (the drink and the addiction), but I see the disease for what it is now, and I know I won't ever have to walk this path alone again. Friends in Sobriety are everywhere we look for them if we really are serious about long term recovery.
Jus sayin, knowmean?
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