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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Dec 20, 2013 - 04:21pm PT
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Still moving one day at a time...the hurt is still present but subsiding...I'm moving on with my life and know I'll be happier for it in the end.
The holidays will be tough as I've decided to go back to her house for a kids Christmas party and Christmas morning for the kids. Painful to be in my old home knowing its no longer something I can call home. I know her decision is a big mistake and someday she will be left to face that reality on her own...and relieved I don't have to shoulder that burden. Ultimately it's our daughters who will suffer the most heartache.
As sad as I am about the situation, it's a great relief not living a double life any longer...the Me I am vs the Me she wanted me to be.
I've been reflecting hard on the "whys" of how I hadn't been living up to her expectations over the last couple years. All the reasons she uses for ammunition against me now. And it comes down to the fact that I just didn't care anymore. I gave up trying to please her and make her happy because the reasons she isn't are out of my control. I know all she can do to justify herself is put it all on me now. And I won't carry her burden of judgment any longer. As I work toward detachment a greater sense of relief and calm comes over me.
I know it will take more time, but I also know that I am happy with myself in my own life. That I can be alone. That I will embrace and have more time for the things I love. And the people I love. And through this I have become a better father as well. So I need to view it as a gift.
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weezy
climber
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Dec 20, 2013 - 04:36pm PT
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you are a good guy, lambone.
remember, one pitch at a time...next thing you know you're heading down the east ledges, wondering what route to do next.
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Dr.Sprock
Boulder climber
I'm James Brown, Bi-atch!
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Dec 20, 2013 - 05:29pm PT
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you are not alone my friend, we all feel your pain,
holidays can be tough but there will be over soon,
when you get through this maybe you can help us when we feel the pain,
because life hits everybody,
it is what gets you up in the morning,
to see what the hell is next!
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MikeL
climber
SANTA CLARA, CA
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Dec 20, 2013 - 06:34pm PT
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Dr.Spock & Neebee +1
This can be a terrible time of year for anyone in your situation. I went through an Xmas period, and it was very lonely. Everything you put behind you gets you closer to being whole again, my friend.
Forget about taking the high road and being good, . . . be well. Just be well.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Dec 24, 2013 - 02:20pm PT
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omg, I can't wait until Christmas is over...
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Crimpergirl
Sport climber
Boulder, Colorado!
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Dec 24, 2013 - 03:31pm PT
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Lambone, if I could do it, you can do it.
Worth repeating as I'm part of that club. It is tough, but it does get better. Thinking of you.
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Willoughby
Social climber
Truckee, CA
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Dec 24, 2013 - 03:42pm PT
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Dec 24, 2013 - 12:31pm PT
Lambone, if I could do it, you can do it.
Worth repeating as I'm part of that club. It is tough, but it does get better. Thinking of you.
Ditto. There's a lot of internal work to healing, plus time, but there are gonna be periods where you just have to grunt through and survive. Especially early on, but holidays and other triggers will drag up hard feelings for a long while. The good news, hard as it may be to believe, is that these feelings eventually soften. So know that you have that to look forward to, resolve yourself to simply endure for right now, and you can do this.
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Dec 24, 2013 - 06:53pm PT
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hey there say, lambone...
like what tami said:
it can be even keeled, or it can be an emotional wound...
you have to look at christmas as just a day...
like when a party comes, or any celebration--it is just a
day 'set aside' to do what 'is varied, according to family'...
thus, when my ex son in law got divorced and his first christmas
came and all the OLD traditions of what he did his wife and her family and his family, he did not want to be hurt by them, emotionaly, so,
he MADE different new plans to be a treat for his kids...
he got his turn for the holiday and since he DID have time to plan ahead by a about 3 months, ? he was at least into NEW habits with friends...
and with his kids, when they came over...
he was everything he used to be for them, as to taking them to eat, taking them places to get things, etc.. and playing with them in the yard and letting them do karioki in the playroom/basement, etc...
so, on christmas, he enjoyed his brother's family first and then did things that made his girls happy and THAT was a christmas that 'locked in' the fact that his girls STILL loved him and that holiday would STILL be speical, JUST on his day, on his terms when they came over...
the old ways DO get washed over with CLEAN fresh water and the new ways become enjoyable, you will see...
but you have make a plan...
MAKE something special for when you have the kids... plan now...
get a model airplane? get a tea set, if a girl and learn how to make a 'daddies' tea for daughter, at teh house...
use your imagination... and have a second christmas at your home... EVEN if it is after the new year...
we are rooting for you... don't let the waves of dispair overwhelm... become master of your ship, and let god steer your heart...
you will learn how to manage storm seas, far too empty calm seas, and the new wonderful kid-time seas, as well...
god bless... happy NEW christmas and more to come...
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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Dec 24, 2013 - 08:08pm PT
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One of the most amazing things about human beings is how we can go through heartbreak and get up, dust ourselves off, and Love all over again. When in the depths of despair, that idea doesn't seem like any great thing, but truly, I believe it says huge things about the power of the heart to heal and to thrive.
I send Love to all reading this thread at this difficult time of year.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Dec 24, 2013 - 09:28pm PT
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Thanks everybody. Playing with my band at a local pub tonight. I'd rather be with my family, but in absence of that...music soothes the soul.
Sucking up the hurt to go back to my old house with stbxw and the kids in the am for "her" Christmas, then bringing them back to my place four ours. Got tons of cool stuff for daddies place!
Marry Christmas 'Taco brothers and sisters. Hope to see ya in the Ditch soon.
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johntp
Trad climber
socal
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Dec 24, 2013 - 11:25pm PT
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lambone-
Good for you for getting out there tonight and playing some music.
Keep that positive energy going.
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thebravecowboy
Social climber
Colorado Plateau
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Dec 24, 2013 - 11:41pm PT
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Lambone, I am pulling for you; you got it man!
Speaking about mine own life here - singleness can be shitty this time of year, and the near-loss of those associated with the union (for me, my dog-child) could be nearly crippling. But the dog-child loves me anyway: the rest is up to me. To be great or just to be?
Keep being the great father that you obviously are. Keep fueling yourself with climbing, music, whatever sustainable outlet you can find: because you ARE a valuable and worthwhile FATHER.
To myself, and to all for whom it applies: Keep doing it. It will get better.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Dec 25, 2013 - 07:24pm PT
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Working on it Warbler. One day at a time. Each day seems to get a bit easier.
Last nights gig was amazing!
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neebee
Social climber
calif/texas
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Dec 26, 2013 - 02:54am PT
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hey there say, lambone...
great to hear from you... and that you are 'doing, and letting yourself, be you' while the 'father part' of yourself, waits its turn, for the kids...
as to this, from thebravecowboy:
Keep being the great father that you obviously are. Keep fueling yourself with climbing, music, whatever sustainable outlet you can find: because you ARE a valuable and worthwhile FATHER.
To myself, and to all for whom it applies: Keep doing it. It will get better.
my ex-son-law, just came by, early eve, of christmas eve... (his second divorce and though BOTH hurt deeply and badly, this second he realy was shocked by) well--every time the kids are with him, they move as a UNIT and with a bond and growth that makes him 'feel like king of the moutain':
knowing he got through the other divorce, he manned up:
he has been the BEST dad... he knows that while relationships may not work, due to some 'things he wants to keep in his life' well, HIS RELATIONSHIP with his kids IS not AFFECTED if--but he worked at it:
he keeps himself strong, and open and THERE for them...
both times, the ex's and him, were seeking 'smooth sailing' and not
fights, so, THAT is a plus for them...
after the shock, the kids have had the nurture of the moms, daily, but:
every weekend, the dad is STILL there, still being 'the tree trunk' that they did (while mom's tend to be the meadows, etc)...
these kids love being with their dad so much that they have stepped over the past pain and 'grown new gardens with dad'...
the key here is:
for both sides to not tear down the bond that the kids ALREADY have...
so:
start your NEW garden, lambone... and one day, you will be so
surprised at the new crop, :O
childhood, growing bonds, will LAST through into their adulthood and after all, WE may get hurt, but we can work it out if we do so for them, first and ours WILL settle... when you HAVE kids, what we do IS for them:
with 'them' as your goal, you won't go wrong...
(well, unless you spoil them rotten, but then, that is a different story) ;)
god bless the new year with new and different ways to shine!!
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Dec 26, 2013 - 12:48pm PT
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Ya Neebee, DMT...
Being the best dad I can, it's not hard, comes naturally. My 3+4 year old daughters and I have a great connection. Taking them with my mom to Tahoe over NYE for a big family reunion. Will be the first time wife has spent 4 days away from her girls.
This is funny...
http://youtu.be/J1eAfpekWgQ
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Climber Joe
Trad climber
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Kids will be affected, but they are resilient and strong. I divorced when kids were 7 and 8. Now they are almost driving age. Tears at first. But they know deep inside that I am there for them. They have other things to think about. No longer we v. dad, but I v. life.
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survival
Big Wall climber
Terrapin Station
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Being the best dad I can, it's not hard, comes naturally. My 3+4 year old daughters and I have a great connection.
Gets trickier around 16........
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couchmaster
climber
pdx
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Damn it's nice that the holidays are over.
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Lambone
Big Wall climber
Ashland, Or
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Looks like I'll be divorced by the end of the month!!! Crazy stuff.
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Daphne
Trad climber
Northern California
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So sorry to hear that, Lambone. I had hoped she would come to her senses. Your kids are so lucky to have you. Hang in there.
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