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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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Feb 12, 2014 - 10:15pm PT
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Happy Valentine's...err 14 years Sober Day!
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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i've experienced a few wet dreams, of late.
ones where i give the shaft to sobriety
and frolic in the foam of a good draught.
the first pint always feels good,
the second one showers me with guilt,
and i'm upset, in my dream,
that i'll have to tell my wife that i spilt beer down my gob.
i'm about 6 months deep in this
sucker hole of reality.
i was probing around in the dark,
trying to find a soft place to park,
for it was cold and lonely and overly dramatic, out there.
i should have waited for light before committing
to absolute clarity,
but now here i find myself,
still lonely, overly-dramatic and broke; underinspired.
but fvck it. right. fvck that false hole,
i'm gone and i'm right here at the same time,
kinda torn between existences.
since i'm my own design,
i assigned myself a proper modulus of elasticity,
which quantifies a resistance to bending.
mine is, rightfully, quite low.
yesterday i was at the pub with my daughters
and i had a good bottle of n.a.,
they had gelato.
the fine gals around me were having the perfect.
pints, good shares, laughter, social shine, and big smiles.
i shared in their conversation, and i felt a tinge of yearning for the pint.
but overall, this has been quite enjoyable.
the emotional glissades are still there,
but i've found other ways to jumar back up my hope-rope
that don't leave me with a sideways glance and hung over.
i'm excited about the potential beer that i'll crack
on my 40th, next october, closing a sober year.
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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So I go to the Banff film fest the other night.
At intermission, they do a door prize drawing. About 4 different prizes they draw for. I tell my friends, "I never win these things, have never won one anywhere". So the last prize they draw is a growler with some free fill-ups from a Redlands microbrewery. I lean over tell buddy "watch this, I don't drink, never win these things...5:1 they draw my number"
"568..."
"I'm gonna win"
"2..."
"You've got to be shitting me, I'm going to win"
"8!"
Yes, I won the beer. WTF?!
Friends I went with don't drink either. Plenty of people from my climbing gym were in attendance, so I passed it off to a friend once the thing was over. Kept the brewery t-shirt though, a man can never have too many t-shirts.
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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i'm calling it my seven month milestone.
it is merely a coincidence that today is april fools,
so this morning i asked my wife for an appropriate gift:
me: "will you drink a coors light so i can steal a nip?"
she: "no, i don't want a beer right now (it's 7:00 am)."
me: "where's the love?"
so i'm dry.
5 months until my 1-year goal is complete.
i'm kinda excited to lip up to that can of real.
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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Four years, just last week.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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So, it's Monday night. I don't have to work tomorrow and I've decided that I want to drink to the point of being buzzed, tonight.
When I found out that I'd have tonight to myself I thought, 'Sweet, I can have a cocktail.' {total red flag, if you ever want to find one}
Well, I'm doing it right now, and it feels shitty, like I'm just going through the motions and getting nothing back in return.
I'm listening to Bob Marley preach greatness, and I portray greatness when I can, but I am not a great man. I am a flawed man.
There are no more lies in our relationship, so I'm telling you that I'm f*#king up tonight.
I'm not getting wasted, but I've got a little buzz.
Tomorrow I'll wake and accomplish things on my list, but I'm slipping a little bit tonight. It's not indicative of anything larger, but I want to be super honest with you.
I've found a space in my being that is all love, and it is so damn good. You've been the impetus for so much of my change.
I'm telling this to you because I care about us.
I've quit drinking for both of us, but I'm falling back on old habits tonight, three beers, bad news.
I hope you can forgive me. I did what I said I wouldn't do.
I love you.
F*#k.
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Brandon-
climber
The Granite State.
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I wrote that to the woman I love.
It's such a struggle, now that I have someone else in my life.
It's easy when she's around, but I give in to addiction more often than I should when I'm alone.
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SC seagoat
Trad climber
Santa Cruz CA
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Brandon, think of the views from Cone Peak we were just e-chatting about. Substitute those memories for the beer....and forgive yourself for the relapse...
Susan
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Sanskara
climber
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Yikes man just stop now,
This only has to be as bad as you make it.
If you stop with this three beers and having had written this letter regardless of how she reacts you don't have many pieces to pick up at this point if any,
Worse case move out, find your own place, learn to get used to being alone again and make sure you don't drink. Sure that might be a sh#t ton of work and you can't see from here how to get there from where you stand now but its nothing like the damage a full on bender will create,.
It can get much much worse real quick and chances are will. Nothing quite sucks like picking yourself up off the ground when nothing is left, there is no where to turn and not a soul willing to help and or wants anything to do with you.
That sh#t takes years to rebuild from. This "what you are dealing with now" drinking a few beers, hurts like the hurt everyone has to deal with that does not self medicate. You back peddle out real easy still.
A few beers, cut yourself some slack. Get up tomorrow figure out what is not right in your life enough to motivate you to pick up and start walking in the opposite direction of it and don't look back.
If you hesitate you could end up f*#ked real fast. If you just don't drink again this can be a little tiny blip in the grand scheme of things..
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Flip Flop
Trad climber
Truckee, CA
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Man the custody battle really changed my drinking habit. I've been a 1-3 beers 3-4 nights a week drinker forever. Social beers. Big euro guy with no DUI's. I don't like being drunk. For the first time ever, and for a year now, I think about beer every day. That's probably bad. I'm just heartbroken and miss my kid and really want a break from the hurting most evenings. I'm uncomfortable with the new normal. I should take a long walk and clear my head. Jail is the other real possibility as I've been served with an arrest warrant by my baby mama. Dark days.
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Sanskara
climber
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Hope you guys are just f*#king around,
I would think if you know enough to worry about a few drinks you dam well know the difference between a momentary lapse in judgment and being scrapped off the ground and dumped in detox.
The later you pay the price for and feel the pain for years, the prior hurts now but subsides in hours, days, weeks, worse case months.
Putting yourself back together after you let everything go is a big f*#king job!
Wishing you both the best.
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Elcapinyoazz
Social climber
Joshua Tree
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Many ways to get a break fellas.
Occupy your time, tire yourself out. The gym works for me, but I grew up training in one kind of gym or another from about 13yo, so I feel at home in them and if I go after work, train til 8, drive home, cook dinner, eat...then it's bed time. No time for temptation.
Not a long term solution, but it can get you through some of the rougher spells.
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Sanskara
climber
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Been sober about 6 years man,
Sadly not a substance known to man I have not had to kick at some point in time...
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Sanskara
climber
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Yeah too many years f*#king around when I shoulda been learning to spell. Well there is more to it than that but whatever.
36 and been fighting this fight since 13. My neighbor at the time an old timer brought me to my first AA meeting at 13. As she said it was clear I was not just experimenting like other kids. By 15 I had my first year. I won't go into much more than that but let's just say I got many a 24 hr chips before I got it. Then I got it for many years in a row and gave it away, then I took it back you get the idea.
Now I suppose I am addicted to recreating but I consider that pretty productive by comparison. And at least thus far my addiction has very little negative impact on me those who love me or society. It's a hell of a lot more than I use to be sold to say. Maybe not much to some but tell that to anyone who loves me and has seen me in through tuff times.
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Dr.Sprock
Boulder climber
I'm James Brown, Bi-atch!
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do you have to finish all the booze in the house?
do you drink til blackout?
you might be an alcoholic,
if that is the case, then a few drinks will cause a physical craving for more alcohol
this physical craving is driven by a mental obsession to drink,
i never went out for a drink, i went out for a drunk,
if you are an alcoholic and want your life to turn out great, then you must quit completely and forever,
this will prevent the positive feedback cycle that drives the physical craving,
how do you avoid that first drink?
remove the mental obsession.
you need help with this obsession as the urge to drink can hit you out of nowhere, just like a lightening bolt,
but doctors agree that no human power can completely prevent this obsession from leading to relapse,
if you are ready to surrender and do anything to stop the torture, then you will open your mind to the Great Spirit. this is the only thing known to man to cure people of the disease of alcoholism, period.
if you are not ready to surrender yet, then just stay home and drink until you really get beat down, but do not drink and drive as you could end up getting sober while behind bars.
when you know you are really ready, then go to an AA meeting and listen.
ask the person in charge about how to find a sponsor.
they will help walk you through the big book of alcoholics anonymous.
you will love the results you get if you do this.
good things will start to happen that will turn your life around.
if you just sit in meetings, you will feel better, but you will still be subject to relapse.
what the sponsor will do is sit down with you and help you make a list of people you hate and things you are afraid of.
if you are full of fear, guilt, shame and remorse, you will be willing to pray for the people you hate. this will replace the hate with love. sounds corny? fine. go find out what it is like to die an alcoholic death.
after you make progress, you will turn you thoughts and actions over to the Great Spirit instead of your self. you will ask Him how he would handle certain situations instead of using your own self will.
then you will make amends to people you have screwed over in your life.
by this time, your mind will be free to do prayer and meditation on a daily basis, which was hard to do with a mind full of resentments,
now you are making real progress. you are removing the reasons for the mental obsession to drink, and maintaining this state of mind by attending meetings of people who you share a common goal with.
you will feel so good that you will be able to help others.
you are now a recovered alcoholic and will stay that way if you do not drift back to your self centered ways and lose contact with AA.
you keep working the steps until you die a sober death,
think you have problems that make you want to drink?
listen to this story. if you do not feel like a complete wimp after you do, then i will pay you one million dollars>
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=W_EBujROSeM
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
www.climbaddictdesigns.com
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i never went out for a drink, i went out for a drunk,
That was me, except I rarely went out. 17 years,7 1/2 months after getting sober, I am still more comfortable with solitude than society.
if you are not ready to surrender yet, then just stay home and drink,... but do not drink and drive as you could end up getting sober while behind bars.
I've met a few who did that, and if that's the way it goes, it does make for compelling qualifications. But I wouldn't suggest it just to have a hold-onto-your-seat, this-is-gonna-be-a-good-one story.
I don't know I have been so lucky to have, as they say, "had the obsession lifted," but have to wonder if it is because I would not make it if tempted by the thought of a drink. In some ways I am a true Taurus. I joke: "When I make a decision I STICK to it. Even when I'm wrong." But on other things, I have so little tolerance for discomfort that I give up without even trying. That's why I don't climb very hard - I "can't go through with it" when reaching past my comfort zone. Without being one of those lucky ones who doesn't get tempted, I'd have hang-dogging sobriety that tired even the most patient belayerrr...I mean sponsors.
For some reason, I want to add that with all the luck of easy sobriety that I have, sponsorship/being sponsored has never been a strong part of my story. I have had sponsors/been a sponsor, but it has never been one of those close relationships that some people talk about having. It is hard for me to be vulnerable(as a sponsee), and I also haven't got very much tolerance for people's drama(as a sponsor).
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Jaybro
Social climber
Wolf City, Wyoming
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I just realized it's been four years, as of a couple weeks ago (3/24)
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Dr.Sprock
Boulder climber
I'm James Brown, Bi-atch!
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Happy Birthday Jaybro!
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Norwegian
Trad climber
dancin on the tip of god's middle finger
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Apr 22, 2014 - 10:30am PT
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i spent last night on the wrong pillow.
when i awoke, i felt like shite.
for the first few blurry moments
i thought, with neutral emotion,
that i must have imbibed the evening before.
then clarity reared it's ugly head
and i knew that my pristine behavior
was not only upheld, but promoted to new
heights last night: my evening cocktail was
organic aloe juice cut with a nip of coconut water for flair!
in fact, my recent conduct has been so commendable,
that it can reach right into my dark past and rip
from it's concrete stance,
all of the ill-guilt of my naughty soul.
i'm sober today, and i've sworn off all future sin,
and then i went on executing myne demons and every
drink that i ever took has been exorcised from my past
so i never was even a drunk, i might as well apply for saint-hood;
and now,
my cleanliness is astute today, and probably will be tomorrow too,
so that i'm storing up a surplus of righteousness that i'll surely need
some day soon when i'm a f*#k-up again and i'll blanket that passed out
bastard with some protective cloak that i weave today,
as a respectable sober citizen with upstanding pen strokes
that scribe calculations which orchestrate the erection
a soul's superstructure.
ahem, pass the duct tape,
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