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Anastasia
climber
Not here
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Topic Author's Original Post - Feb 13, 2009 - 03:20pm PT
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MAN TEST
1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.
2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your ass over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun,come to daddy, snookums!' Jeeezus, you're pitched, you're so queer.
3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or piss in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free ass passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is & nbsp; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are a poofter.
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-ass driver or to cut the prick off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, or hold his beer.
(Funny thing is... One of my gay friends sent this to me!)
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Feb 13, 2009 - 03:27pm PT
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I think that post falls into the category of "I can talk bad about my family, but no one else can...."
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, Ca.
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Feb 13, 2009 - 03:54pm PT
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Now that's pretty damn funny!
"If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too."
Bwahaaahhaa
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Ksolem
Trad climber
Monrovia, California
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:07pm PT
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" (Funny thing is... One of my gay friends sent this to me!) "
Gay guys are better at making fun of themselves than anyone. I went to an AIDs fund raiser here a while back which was one of the funniest shows I have ever seen.
The test:
1. Way over 40. Give me one more month of Pilates and I'm there.
2. No cats.
3. No sucking things.
4. The world is my...
5. Triple grande non-fat latte?
6. busted
7. guilty again
It's nice to finally have clarity on this issue. Just don't tell my wife...
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Ghost
climber
A long way from where I started
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:09pm PT
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Damn. I always thought I was straight, but it looks like I've just been fooling myself. Seven out of seven! How am I going to break this to my wife?
"Not tonight, honey. I've got to color coordinate my tights with the new tank top if I'm going to have any chance of sending the lavender route at the gym tomorrow."
Or "How do you expect me to lead this with taupe draws? Find someone else to climb with, cuz I'm going to go home and play with the cat."
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Mtnmun
Trad climber
Top of the Mountain Mun
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:09pm PT
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I'm sitting in the gayest coffee shop in Palm Springs right now. The boys here would be totally in agreement.
I know how you women feel now, being straight and being trolled by the fellas. Bwahhaahahaa
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divad
Trad climber
wmass
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:25pm PT
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Hey, thanks for that. I'm startin' to feel better about myself.
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'Pass the Pitons' Pete
Big Wall climber
like Ontario, Canada, eh?
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Feb 13, 2009 - 04:32pm PT
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I once scored 33% gay on a Gay-O-Meter. Can't find the link now. I was pretty bummed.
Heh heh ... I said "bummed".
Laughed my ass off at your post, Anastasia.
Heh heh .... I said "ass"
Dr. Piton Rule #1: No poofdahs
Dr. Piton Rule #2: I don't wanna catch anyone not drinking.
Dr. Piton Rule #3: Lesbianism is not only tolerated but encouraged
Dr. Piton Rule #4: No climbing before noon
Dr. Piton Rule #5: No coffee after Changeover Time
Dr. Piton Rule #6: The is NO rule 6.
Dr. Piton Rule #7: No poofdahs.
etc etc
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Jaybro
Social climber
wuz real!
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:18pm PT
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I only feed non fat soy latte to my cat.
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F10
Trad climber
e350
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:23pm PT
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Guess I will have to give up my green tea
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SammyLee2
Trad climber
Memphis, TN
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:51pm PT
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A OK, on all but number 6. I grew up in a southern mill town. I know thread counts, material and what a fabric "hand" means. My mother was a cloth inspector. As a child, we'd go to Sybil's fabric shop and I actually enjoyed it. I'd run my hands over bolt after bolt, even smelling the fabric.
I know what a "Super 120" suit means. I like my suit pants to feel like high end pajamas. Women in my office tell me often, "Sam, you're such a sharp dresser!" I buy most of my wife's dress clothes. I can pick out a nice outfit for her in one tenth the time it takes her.
As far as being gay is concerned, not a problem for someone else. You do what you want to do. As for me, I always say, "Come on over here and try to fuc& me, and see how that works out for you."
Edit to add, my line works for both men and women.
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bluering
Trad climber
Santa Clara, Ca.
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Feb 13, 2009 - 06:59pm PT
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As for me, I always say, "Come on over here and try to fuc& me, and see how that works out for you."
I almost shot Pepsi out my nostrils....I gotta remember that one!
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scuffy b
climber
just below the San Andreas
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Feb 13, 2009 - 07:11pm PT
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sounds like a good icebreaker
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Reilly
Mountain climber
Monrovia, CA
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Feb 13, 2009 - 07:18pm PT
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1. Safe as houses, I can just see the ends of my feet.
2. Cats are for trolling for 'gators...
3. I eat my crab legs whole like a real man.
4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom ...
You been in a public crapatorium lately? Besides, they ain't got shite to read.
5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee,
Wait a minute! The chocolate and foam in my mocha are to prevent washboard abs. Make up your mind!
6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colours or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard,...
I'm safe as long as creme brulee is in the custard family, right?
7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle...
When people who know me see me put both hands on the wheel they usually say something like, "Oh gawd preserve me!" Besides, it just isn't safe to drift an F150 with only one hand.
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quartziteflight
climber
Who knows?
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Feb 13, 2009 - 08:19pm PT
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I pass what do I win?
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rich sims
Trad climber
co
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Feb 13, 2009 - 11:03pm PT
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#3 Had to be written by a gay dude
even a lesbian would not have missed the three most important objects to suck on.
T&A
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Mighty Hiker
Social climber
Vancouver, B.C.
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Feb 13, 2009 - 11:12pm PT
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1. Over 40, no washboard. Ixnay.
2. Cohabitate with and dominated by ferocious miniature tiger. Check.
3. Ixnay.
4. What about airport bathrooms frequented by Republican legislators?
5. Ixnay. Though I had a mucky foofarino once, or whatever they call the things - someone else (female) bought it.
6. Having a background in history, the sciences, and writing should allow me to be excused from knowing more than six colour names. Ice cream is a dessert. Anything with chocolate in it is a dessert. Steak is a dessert. Custard is for poufters.
7. My car has a he-man standard transmission.
And where do men fit in who watch the food channel, the home renovations channel, and who know the names of all types of pasta, and which is which? (No TV here.)
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10b4me
Ice climber
the sads
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Feb 14, 2009 - 01:25am PT
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Anastasia,
this is funnier than hell.
I was laughing so hard, I almost woke up the cat.....the one that belongs to the next door neighbor.
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Anastasia
climber
Not here
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Topic Author's Reply - Feb 14, 2009 - 01:29am PT
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Happy Valentines Day to all you fantastic "men!"
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dmalloy
Trad climber
eastside
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Feb 14, 2009 - 01:39am PT
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yikes, I'm 4.5 out of 6 in the Queer column (under 40, so despite the recent return of visible ab muscles, I get a pass) - only missing the lollipop and 2 hands on the wheel comes and goes....don't tell my wife either
that would be my wife, who spent 3 weeks splitting all of our wood with maul, wedge and ax, when I offered to rent a power splitter and do it all in one day....I guess we know who wears the pants in this family.
So many pants....
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