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Brian
climber
Cali
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Topic Author's Original Post - Jun 20, 2007 - 12:08am PT
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A week or so ago I posted a message/thread/whatever you call these things about a lame-ass SPAM email I got from Rock and Ice. I just got another one (cut and pasted below) and what really chaps my ass is that there are instructions for how to sign your "friends" up for this noxious crap. Signing a friend up for this is like sharing your water bottle while you have a open herpetic sore on your lip. Actually, in that case the victim would still get to slake his or her thirst (which is good), so signing someone up for this email stuff is more like sharing your empty, useless water bottle with someone while you have an open herpetic sore on your lip...
What lame person signed me up? Did I Bogart too many leads? Fart too much at the bivy? What did I do to deserve this?!?
I noticed how to unsubscribe at the bottom of this message, so this is the last time I'll subject y'all to this rant. I just had to share how lame these messages are...
LAME ROCK AND ICE EMAIL FOLLOWS...
THE MANLIEST E-BLAST YET
Climbing trends are always a few years behind the rest of this stupid society, which never fails to make me feel inferior … you know, like I don’t have balls.
Right now, I’ve noticed that climbers are just starting to pick up on the whole “metrosexual” trend, which actually jumped the shark three years ago when JLo turned Ben Affleck into a giant metrosexual pansy and his career failed like copperheads in an A5 seam. Never before had humanity witnessed such a menacingly misshapen monster as “Bennifer”—what with Affleck’s “five-head” (one more than a forehead) and Jlo’s big fat ass. It was like one of these TNB e-mails—unnecessarily exaggerated and perhaps a bit grotesque.
Manhood used to be a much bigger deal. Men were once expected to suffer and endure any amount of physical and emotional pain without much more than the occasional grunt and whimper. But now, it’s a much different world, especially for climbers. We take rest days. When our climbing muscles are sore, we get massages. We sleep in new-age sleeping bags that are the equivalent of 1,000-count Egyptian silk sheets instead of butt-naked in the dirt/snow where we goddamn well belong. We clip into anchors instead of just relying on hip belays and our belief that we’re solid enough to hold any fall unanchored. We have homeopathic creams, Ibuprofen, tape gloves to make crack climbing less painful and helmets just in case a rock falls on our head. It’s pathetic.
“No one has balls anymore,” Duane, my boss, said to me mournfully.
“Or brains, for that matter,” I said.
“Well, at least that’s always been the case,” Duane said.
It’s strange to feel remorseful over something as comical as balls, but I assure you, there is nothing funny about big, sweaty balls. Duane and I were contemplating the current state of climbing and the noticeable lack of manly stories coming in these days. What do I mean by manly? Take Chuck Pratt’s first ascent of Twilight Zone, the slippery 5.10 Yosemite offwidth that he established in the 1960s, over 40 years before retards like Ben Affleck started putting make-up on their mongoloid five-heads. During the ascent, Pratt told his belayer to go back to the car to get him a piece of protection to put in. His belayer left him precariously wedged into the crack 60 feet off the deck, and probably didn’t think anything of it. How could Pratt endure such anxiety, trying desperately not to fall, and the sheer full-body pain of pressing yourself between two rock walls?
It’s called balls, man. Whereas the liver filters alcohol and other toxins, balls’ role is to process things like pain, emotions, feelings and all the uninteresting garble that other people in your life feel is important enough to tell you about and bore you with. Balls also aid in the body’s ability to climb scary pitches and pull cruxes without all the goddamn encouragement that gets shouted at you by “friends.” What is with all the encouragement, anyway?
Good job! You got it! Stay Tight! You can do it!
Jesus, just shut up and leave me alone! I know I “can” do it, but I didn’t do “it” this time—now I’m pissed off and, congratulations, it’s officially your fault. And get a new chalk bag—one that doesn’t match your climbing shoes. It’s embarrassing.
Sign up your friends, or yourself, here. Do it now!
We will send TNB E-Blasts every Tuesday to anyone, for any reason whatsoever. Go to this link and enter as many e-mail addresses as you can: www.rockandice.com/tnbemail.php
Learn elitist opinions you can pass off as your own and impress your friends. Classics include: “Of course those bolts should be chopped, gumby!” and, “In-a-day-light-n’-fast-warm-when-wet!” Subscribe to Rock and Ice.
"TNB the E-Blast" is to "TNB the magazine column" as Swan Slabs are to El Cap. Don't miss out on what's bigger and better. Please visit our soon-to-be-pimped-out website www.rockandice.com and click on "Subscribe."
Catalog World
Imagine everything that you’ve ever wanted all in one place. No, it’s not Target, Wal-Mart or heaven. It’s this website: www.rockandice.com/freeschwag.php Visit this site At Once and you can order catalog’s from our many climbing partners that showcase all the stuff you need to go climbing. Catalog’s are useful and you need them now.
Support America. Buy Stuff.
Check out the Rock and Ice store at www.cafepress.com/tnb_shop. You can get shirts and other cool shwag with the special TNB logo printed on it.
Thanks for all your support!
Send feedback, topics you'd like to see written about or your own deranged climbing experiences to me. abisharat@bigstonepub.com
Happy Climbing
--Andrew Bisharat
DISCLAIMER: The information in this e-mail may contain rare, paranoid and potentially lucrative information. Regardless of what you can sell on ebay, this content is only intended for the use of the person(s) named. Distribution of this content, on the Internet, and especially to the FBI, is strictly prohibited.
--- You are currently subscribed to rimag as: btreanor@lmu.edu To unsubscribe send a blank email to leave-rimag-22256324E@lists.sparklist.com
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Mungeclimber
Trad climber
sorry, just posting out loud.
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Jun 20, 2007 - 01:54am PT
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Didn't I post about this before?
I feel your pain.
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Russ Walling
Social climber
Out on the sand.... man.....
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Jun 20, 2007 - 01:58am PT
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It must be some sort of self destruct mission they are on. That drivel is just terrible.
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Standing Strong
Trad climber
look around look around, tell me what you've found
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Jun 20, 2007 - 02:27am PT
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"and Jlo’s big fat ass"
whoever wrote this is an a s s h o l e.
i don't care who you are or how hard you climb. if you're a jerk, your miracles mean choss to me.
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wootles
climber
Gamma Quadrant
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Jun 20, 2007 - 09:11am PT
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THAT is some funny sh1t. Totally inappropriate and annoying for them to be sending stuff like that but... damn.
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couchmaster
climber
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Jun 20, 2007 - 11:05am PT
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Damn that sucks, not your description of it though, thats funnier than hell.
Like....
"Signing a friend up for this is like sharing your water bottle while you have a open herpetic sore on your lip. Actually, in that case the victim would still get to slake his or her thirst (which is good), so signing someone up for this email stuff is more like sharing your empty, useless water bottle with someone while you have an open herpetic sore on your lip... "
As far as that goes, thats great stuff in the junk too, it just blows donkey dicks that they stuff your email inbox without permission.
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Karl Baba
Trad climber
Yosemite, Ca
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Jun 20, 2007 - 11:23am PT
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Both climbing and rock and ice seem to have made this attempt to be "young, hip, fresh, sassy and up-to-date" but wind up sounding "Posed, insincere, lame, and wannabe."
Kinda like if Dick Cheney gave a speech flashing some gang signs, busting some rhymes, and wearing a cap sideways.
Peace
Karl
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happiegrrrl
Trad climber
New York, NY
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Jun 20, 2007 - 11:53am PT
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....and who's to say hat Brian isn't actually part of this viral marketing campaign...hmmmm????? I mean, he shows up here, all pissed off(with excellent writing skills, mind you - his herpes analogy is sort of like the R%I crap, only.....good....).
hahaha - just kidding.
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